Life as a Landlord
Expectation: make a few phone calls, reply to a few emails, sign a couple of forms, work my own hours, work comfortably from anywhere in the world, pay small amounts to various Eastern Europeans to deal with any manual labour that may crop up, watch the money roll in.

Reality: as above.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 11:45, 40 replies)

money rolls.

a role is something actors play. like, for example, pretending to be a landlord.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 May 2014, 11:52, closed)

Corrected accordingly.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 11:56, closed)

well, now my post just looks foolish
you dreadful human being
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:11, closed)

Their their, we still no you mad him luck foolish.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:16, closed)

^agent of capitalist oppression^
agent of capitalist oppression fantasist
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:02, closed)

Fancy a coffee?

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:12, closed)

You can afford coffee!

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:17, closed)

He doesn't need money, he gets his coffee from the future.
Why pay money for something that doesn't exist?

Having raised that question, our resident food trader can probably supply me with an answer.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:14, closed)

...yet the new stamp duty rules are going to affect you

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:22, closed)

Unfortunately, yes - as some properties remain un-tenanted.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:26, closed)

your investment strategy is a work of genius

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:30, closed)

Why, thank you.
The rate of appreciation is some parts has proved higher than any gains that could be made by short-term lets. As the mortgage is virtually non-existent, there is no relief to off-set against payments - so rather than pay 40% on sporadic rental income, I'll take the stamp duty any day.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:35, closed)

so thick

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:39, closed)

No, you moron. I said THIN crust.
Jesus, owns a pizza oven and can't even get my order right.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:41, closed)

your googling is impressive
Seeing as last time you were pulled up on this you had no idea about any of it.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:39, closed)

...but with short term lets you benefit from capital appreciation plus rental income.
A property standing empty generates no income to pay for the associated costs.

Christ, you're thicker than even Shambo imagined.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:41, closed)

In most cases, yes.
But locating tenants, paying agencies, repairing tenant-related dilapidation etc all adds up. It is far easier, in certain locations, to leave the property pristine and empty, allowing buyers to visit at any time without tenant interference. Which of course allows for a far quicker sale, without the hassle of waiting for tenancies to expire.

In the very short term, an empty property costs far less to run than a tenanted one. And in certain postcodes, the appreciation has provided a far simpler and more immediate source of income.

However, down in Abbey Wood, where I've picked up sitting tenants in two terraced houses, I hope they (or any future tenants) continue to keep those properties rented until crossrail completes in 2018. Renting is great for that part of the world, suicide in NW3.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:58, closed)

so very very thick

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:59, closed)

Hello? Hello?
Where's my fucking pizza?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:08, closed)

appreciation in an illiquid investment is not income

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:59, closed)

Of course.
So sell it and it becomes liquid. I've bought and sold within eight months and seen appreciation of over 15%. Why did I sell? The offer was too good to turn down and I needed capital.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:02, closed)

thicker than boiled mince set in blancmange

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:30, closed)

What's it like owning a pizza oven?

Do you flyer the local area under-cutting Dominoes? How long does it take to get the temperature right? Do you make your own dough? What, in your opinion is the best combination of toppings?

I'll happily advise you on maintaining and growing a property portfolio - but it would be decent of you to give me the heads up on how best to own and operate a pizza oven in return.

I'm genuinely intrigued. Do you have to wear a silly hat and apron when operating it? Is it safe to operate if children are present? How hot does it actually get?

Pizzas are great maybe once a month, do you find yourself eating far more pizzas to justify the investment? How big an area does it take up? Is yours wood-fired, or are there other fuels that can be used? How many pizzas can you cook at once? What's the biggest pizza you've ever made? Any pizza-related disasters you can tell us about?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:44, closed)

calm down, povvo

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:52, closed)

I know!
I'm almost as excited as you are about my property portfolio!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:55, closed)

we're not going to indulge the poor cunt in this fantasy _again_ are we?
he'll wank himself raw and his mum will have to do an emergency wash for his spiderman duvet cover
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:30, closed)

earning pitiful yields on interest only properties subject to heavy stamp duty on liquidation is infinitely preferable to the 15% plus returns available from retail investment funds.
Clearly.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:33, closed)

yeah ... but if he changes his fantasy investment portfolio now
he'll have to do another google search and the poor fuck has pretty weak comprehension skills ... it'll take him all week to cobble together a new set of incoherent lies
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:37, closed)

^puts me on ignore, then wets himself in excitement to reply^

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 13:13, closed)

as above still live with my mum and play out a fantasy life that manages to be both incredibly mediocre and childishly infeasible.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:26, closed)

I've tended to set my life-goals slightly higher than owning a pizza oven.

But well done on your over-achievement. What next, indoor plumbing?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:31, closed)

hey ... I'm not mocking your dreams, pet
I'm just mocking the fact that you prefer to fantasise about them on a dying messageboard rather than make any effort to actually achieve them
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:34, closed)

I'll have a thin-crust pepperoni please, do you have any artichoke hearts?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 12:40, closed)

the fact you specify a thin-crust sums you up rather well.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 9 May 2014, 16:24, closed)

Cutting down on the carbs, innit.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 16:31, closed)

The fact you say you are cutting down on the carbs rather states that you are one of those who
orders a THICK base, how gauche.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 9 May 2014, 17:31, closed)

Proper pizza has no 'thick' or 'thin' base - it's just a pizza. If you try ordering anywhere else other than Pizza Hut, you'll not find that choice on the menu.

But having looked at the embarrassments Dr. S creates with his £1,000 pizza oven, I'm asking for thin crusts. The less of that I have to eat, the better.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 9 May 2014, 17:36, closed)

Shittesst trying to get out of it ever. I would prefer to be gauche than come up with that cum stain
of an explanation.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 9 May 2014, 21:00, closed)

he'll soon google and backtrack

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 17:42, closed)

harsh
it's not his fault his mum can only afford Iceland Made in Germany specials.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 May 2014, 16:32, closed)