'Let's keep chickens' says the missus
'No' says I.
'go on, it'll be ace' and thus began a few months of persuasion and research and budgeting, until she's exhausted all my reasons not to fill our garden with noisy, shitting, smelly birds.
Of course, I'm the one that has to build the coop. I'm the one that has to go to the farm to buy 8 shit-covered and miserable birds 'for my birthday.'
And, when one's arse prolapses and it gets very, VERY unwell, I'm the one that has to do the 'decent thing'. Brilliant.
So my research begins. Google 'how to kill a chicken.' Really. There are a surprisingly large number of youtube videos (all horrible), and websites offering tips and techniques. And eventually I decide on my tactics.
I take poorly chicken out of the run and into my shed (out of view of the other birds - I'm nice like that). I soothe her, I calm her down, I try not to get prolapsed arse blood on my jumper.
I take her head between my index and middle finger (confused, low, squawking)
I brace myself, then jerk her head downwards and back sharply. This I understand will break her neck and kill her.
I withstand the attempts at flapping that buffet me, as I have been led to believe this is a chickeny death-spasm and is OK.
I wait a bit, then let go of the head, expecting a floppy bird. INSTEAD, she shakes her head, does a massive sick and looks deep into my soul with baleful and distressed eyes. SHIT! She's NOT DEAD.
I'm now in a world of fear. I had not expected mrs chicken to be alive at this point and I have no back up plan or indeed, coping mechanism.
Right, try it again. Snappy movement. Flapping. An alive chicken. FUCK!
OK just fucking strangle it! i bend her neck completely over and hold the neck very tight, and wait. 2, 3 minutes until, hoping desperately, it's dead. My fingers are now numb from the pressure, the chicken sick is dry on my boot. I'm shaking and, thank fuck, she's dead.

Anybody want to buy 7 chickens, and a coop? Going cheap.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 21:59, 9 replies)

Hilariously gruesome or gruesomely hilarious
I lolled and clicked. No, I don't want the buggers.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 22:09, closed)

This is very good

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 22 Dec 2011, 22:17, closed)

Not pleasant...
...but at least you didn't spend £150 on an emergency vet bill to save a chickens suffering.

Have a search around for a wall mounted chicken dispatcher, the sort that breaks necks not the cone/cut neck types.
( z0mb13e has a bee in his botnet, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 22:25, closed)

haha...
chicken choking eh?

Very provocative! (and funny too!)
( DanGleeballs Moist people don't notice spelling errors..., Thu 22 Dec 2011, 22:28, closed)

Poor cunts not 'going cheep' anymore is it?

( Major Turd for tonight only, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 2:35, closed)

I've got the chopping block ready.
The missus has researched plucking (no euphemism) and I've made room in the freezer.
I hope they're "cheep, cheep like the budgie"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 23 Dec 2011, 9:38, closed)

Durable buggers chickens
www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/

It's been proven a chicken can go on living without a head. Something to do with the memories of the muscles I guess.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 9:41, closed)

Nah
I remember this story. The chicken had enough of its brainstem still attached to control basic motor movements like breathing and heartrate, but not enough for anything else. But being a chicken, who'd notice?

I'm not sure if it would work on a human - you could probably stay alive in the technical sense of having working lungs and a beating heart without most of your brain, although I can't see any volunteers hurrying forward to test it.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 24 Dec 2011, 0:52, closed)