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This is a question "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

Celebrity autobiographies are filled to the brim with self-righteous tales of smug oneupmanship. So, forget you had any shame, grab a coffee and a croissant, and tell us your smug tales of when you got one over somebody.

Thanks to Ring of Fire for the suggestion

(, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 12:55)
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At The Moment
I think it's God who's having the last laugh.

It's been an interesting start to the year down here in Convictland. First Brisbane and most of South Queensland are flooded. Then Victoria has the worst floods for 50 years, then Cyclone Yasi roars ashore with 300k/h winds and now the outer suburbs of Perth are in flames due to a series of bushfires.

So this morning, I got up, made coffee and opened the back door to have a cigarette. Looked down and saw a 2 foot long Tiger Snake, one of the most venomous snakes in Australia, stretched out in the sun at my feet. He looked at me, I looked at him and I could see what was going through his tiny mind.

"Just how much do you want that cigarette, mother-fucker?"

Yup - definitely God.

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 7:39, 48 replies)
Holy sheet...
I take it after that, you NEEDED the cigarette?! As much as I am a snake nerd, can't say I envy you on almost stepping on one with your morning coffee.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:07, closed)

I decided that discretion was the better part of valour and backed off and had a ciggie out of the front door. As I didn't know what kind of snake it was until I looked it up on the 'Net I reckoned that best idea was to treat it as venomous until I was sure. Got a wee shock when I found out what it was. Luckily today was quite cold so I think it was a bit sluggish and not in the mood to bite. But I was far too close to it when I opened the door.

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:19, closed)
I would have crapped my pants
Those badboys can easily kill, luckily he was probably more scared of you. Count your lucky stars it wasn't a taipan, not even Steve Irwin would of picked them up.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:17, closed)
very careful with wildlife down here. I don't touch anything unless I'm positive I know what it is and I'm positive it can't hurt me. The amount of things that can bite you here is just ridiculous. Yo can pick up a shell on the beach and BANG! You're poisoned. You can even get poisoned by a bloody sponge! That would be a terrible way to die. Killed by a sponge. My mates would piss themselves laughing. Even the frigging ants over here can kill you if you're unlucky enough to be part of the 10 percent who are sensitive to them. Jumping ants I think they're called.

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:27, closed)
I love Oz
Been there twice, had a chance to move there for good 3 years ago but I wanted to have some roots in the form of a house here, I really regret it. went to that enclosed coral near whitesands, it was a real under water disneyland (great barrier.) The dive instructer told us never to pick up anything as even harmless looking things can kill you. To compound the story he told us of a german snorkeller that had picked up a small cone shaped shell fish and put into his speedo's so he could carry it to the surface, halfway up a poison dart flew out of said shell fish straight into German tourists bollocks. the poison was so bad he had to have them removed....Ouchy but a bit funny!! Nearly as funny as the ozzy instructors delight at telling the story, they love to scare us poms don't they? haha
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:50, closed)
That's up Hamilton Island way isn't it? I flew over it in a helicopter once. Supposed to be the softest sands in the world.

I did a bit of snorkelling up there on the Barrier Reef. Absolutely mind-blowing. Especially when a grouper swam up to me. The thing was considerably bigger than I was with the HUGE teeth. But they're friendly - this one even had a name.....

One of my best memories of Hamilton Island was on a fishing trip where the guide whistled an eagle in. No joke - he whistled really loudly and then pointed to some mountains a few miles away. We could see this huge eagle flying towards us. It hung back from the boat and we threw a big fish up which it caught in it's claws and then flew off. I got some great shots of it in action...

Happy days....
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 11:20, closed)
Madness Legless
You dived exactly where I did and yes it is near Hamilton, do you know what they called the grouper fish? Mick Jagger, because of the big lips thing haha!! I swam near it but it shit me up because hungry groupers, although rare, have been known to swallow people whole. Didn't get the Eagle thing though, how cool is that?!!
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 11:56, closed)
Queensland grouper?
Was it a queensland grouper? black and yellow? We got one of those at work, at 'baby' at 2ft long! Critically endangered apparently, and around 12ft long as adults :|
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:07, closed)
I think it must have been
2001 so my memory is a bit vaugue. 12ft. holy shit!

I couldn't find a live one but i am certain he was this colour -

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:14, closed)
Not a queensland. www.ladyelliot.com.au/uploads/floraFauna/Qld-Grouper.jpg there's a medium sized one. I should know the name of the red grouper mentioned, working with the lil gits and all, but alas, I have failed you all...
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:25, closed)
I found a list of them, there is loads so you are more than forgiven -
Black grouper Mycteroperca bonaci
Comet grouper Epinephelus morrhua
Gag grouper Mycteroperca microlepis
Giant grouper Epinephelus lanceolatus
Goliath grouper Epinephelus itajara
Miniata grouper Cephalopholis miniata
Nassau grouper Epinephelus striatus
Saddletail grouper Epinephelus daemelii
Scamp grouper AKA Broomtail grouper Mycteroperca phenax
Tiger grouper Mycteroperca tigris
Warsaw grouper Epinephelus nigritus
White grouper Epinephelus aeneus
Yellowfin grouper Myceroperca venenosa
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:34, closed)
I've been to the same spot in the Red sea a few times, mainly to catch up with my old mate Monty the morray eal. He's always there hanging around having his picture taken year after year.

There's a grouper call gordon that hung around in the gulf of mexico for a while, but I think he's in retirement in an aqarium now somewhere in Texas. He was fucking huge.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:48, closed)
You've never seen a helicopter! You've never even left the house! You're in a wheelchair!
And you can't swim!

How's Mrs Legless?
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:08, closed)
LOL - One of the best divemasters I ever had couldn't walk
she had no bother in the water.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:56, closed)
"Jumping ants I think they're called."
Jack jumpers. Aggressive little bastards. If you piss one off it will actually chase after you, trying to kill a thing thousands of times its size. And as you mentioned, they quite often succeed.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 11:28, closed)
'Cigarette' snail? hehe. Ah damn I wish I'd taken a pic of the big bastard stonefish we had in at work a few weeks back. No coming back from a stab from one of those, and you poor buggers have them down at your beaches! *shudder*
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 11:35, closed)
I'd assume he's not a few days out into the outback, which would make encountering a taipain (inland taipan, no.1 deadly snake in terms of the LD50 of the venom) near on impossible. If he walked out to one of them and got bitten, it's game over for sure.
Although I think in Aus, tigers are the no1 cause of death from snakebite - either that or they're close 2nd to browns. Snakes that is... not actual tigers!
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 11:34, closed)
Bite wise
I am not sure if Taipans are the most venomous (after googling, I think they are), but what makes these little buggers most dangerous, is that they are fiercely territorial, bite multiple times and have been known to chase people and they can out speed humans, most snakes will try and avoid humans as you know. They also have the costal taipan, which you're more likely to meet.

1.Inland Taipan (Oxyuranus microlepidotus)
2.Eastern Brown Snake (Pseudonaja textilis)
3.Coastal Taipan (Oxyuranus scutellatus)
4.Mainland Tiger Snake (Notechis scutatus)
5.Peninsula or Black Tiger Snake (Notechis ater niger)
•The first five snakes and most of the snakes on the list are Australian.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:04, closed)
Top 10
I think Aus has 9 out of the top 10 most venomous snakes based on the LD50 of venoms :| depending on who you cite as references of course. Most people view the Saw Scale viper as the worst, an African species. Mainly due to the aggressiveness, willingness to bite, frequency of envenomations (some species produce mainly 'dry' bites) proximity to people, speed of bite, lack of medical assistance in areas where bites tend to occur, and funds for treating a bite.

Thankfully Inland Taipans are quite shy and tend to live days away from civilisation :) Coastal's are the ones to watch out for - live near people and aggressive to boot, 'God' 1 - 0 Civilisation. God really does have it in for the Aussies it seems!
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:22, closed)
Yeah 9 out of 10 sounds right.
And sites do differ on opinions for sure, if we were going on venom alone, I suspect you're looking at some sort of sea snake, their venom is insane but they are mostly passive apparently. I agree it depends on access to treatment, if legless had been bitten by that tiger with no treatment, he would of had a 60% chance of surival -

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:28, closed)
Most snakebites in Oz are survivable even without anti-venom. As long as you know how to do first aid. The venom of Oz snakes isn't like things like rattlesnakes - which do a HUGE amount of tissue damage at the bite site. In Oz, as soon as you're bitten you need to pad the bite site and then wrap the site in VERY tight bandages. As most bites are to the limbs, you need to bandage, tightly, as far up as you can. Then sit or lie the fuck down and don't move for about 12 hours.

As far as I can gather, the venom affects, or is transported, by the lymph system rather than the blood stream. Bandaging tightly ( but not enough to cut off blood supply) will stop it getting to areas where it can kill you.

In other odd facts, apparently, most Oz snake-bites don't hurt much.

Disclaimer: All of the above is just what I've read and may be complete bollocks.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:59, closed)
I'd say that was about 99% right
however you have to take in factors like age of victim etc, also this is good first aid and never clean the venom off with water because anti-venom will still have to be used and they will have to identify the snake venom, without anti venom there is always a chance you could die. Treatment straight away could stop all the shit, so your spot on.

Found this about a guy that was bitten by a Browns -

Remember the man who was bitten by the Brown snake while climbing the cliffs at the rock pool? First he chased, caught and killed the snake. Then he swam back across the rock pool. He and his friends did not treat the bite at all, instead they all walked back to the car together, a walk involving 170 stairs! From there it was a 20 minute drive to the hospital.

By rights he should be dead. He very nearly was by the time they arrived at the hospital. His health was seriously affected, it took many weeks for him to fully recover. Correct initial treatment and behaviour probably would have avoided any symptoms and after effects altogether. Actually, it would have avoided the bite in the first place!

Well, as I said, he was back drinking at the pub two days later. Dumb luck. Don't you count on it!
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:35, closed)
Correct!.. coming from a venom-nerd. Have a gold star!
Most aussie snakes are elapids, so have mostly neurotoxin venoms - hits you where it hurts, shuts down your brain and paralyses you until you either have a heart attack or suffocate - basically complete respiratory failure. Doesn't take long either, it's all over and done with in 12 hours or so. Due to lack of tissue-damaging toxins (cytotoxins) in Aussie snake venom, yes, they very rarely hurt and have minimal swelling beyond what you'd expect from a puncture wound.

Rattlers are vipers and tend to have haemotoxic/cytotoxic venoms, which cause major swelling, hemorrhaging, heart attack, and tissue death. Mainly in your organs such as liver, lungs and heart, and it HURTS. It usually kills you from internal bleeding or organ failure. Thus, pressure bandaging the area is bad for these kinds of snakes, as you're just going to cause even more severe damage to the area affected. The more painful the bite, the more cytotoxin it contains. Tends to be long slow and painful too... can take up to 3 days to kill you. Even if you do survive it, you've still got to find a doctor who's experienced in snakebite treatment. You could end up with some eejit who's first idea of treatment is to cut off the affected limb (still happens A LOT in the States) due to compartment syndrome, or to fillet open the limb to relieve the pressure. You just got to damn hope you get a good doctor if you want your life back after a serious viper bite!

However, venom composition still varies between snakes - you could be uber unlucky and have a nice 50/50 mix of the two main types!
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 16:28, closed)
I followed a few of your posts on /links
Seems you upsidedowners are having a very bad time of things. I've been moaning about the slight chill in the air here in Blighty, while my mate has been moaning about the mildly uncomforable warmth in NZ. Hope things improve soon for you guys in Oz. From what I've read here the hurricane missed the most populated areas - not sure if that's a lucky escape or just makes it harder to get help to the outlying areas where it's needed.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 11:39, closed)
The Cyclone Was A Bastard

I was talking with some people in the hours before it hit and we agreed that anything under 100 deaths would be a win. Amazingly, we had zero direct deaths and very few injuries. It arrived almost exactly between Cairns and Townsville which meant that the big winds missed both population centres. A fucking miracle.

Yasi was a case of dodging the bullet. And good preparation..

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:28, closed)
You're making it up! This didn't happen! You don't even live in Australia!
Hello mate, how you doing - bin a while, huh?
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:07, closed)
Ello Mate..
Things pretty good. Running my wee company down here writing software.

Glad to see you're doing OK these days...

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:22, closed)
I'm doing very well (although I've upset people below with my trannie post)

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:01, closed)
Saw That
Ignore the fuckers. Good tale, well told.

Wicca'd Witch, Amorous Badger's missus, is a fag-hag. Well known for it. She had a pop at me a while ago over a post by a gay guy where I'd replied and she had me down as a homophobe, possibly a racist, probably a child-molester and, in any case, waay inferior to her brand of super sensitive, politicly-correct intelligence. Ignore her. Or, if she gets really annoying, throw a pie near her. Instinct will take over and she'll be too busy wolfing it down to bother you...

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:15, closed)
Have you noticed political correctness and pie-eating often go together.
I'm not fussed really, but I do dislike the guy with a jumble of letters for a name trying to attribute stuff to me. I don't really have a dislike of anyone or anything, but I do feel free to mock everyone without half-wit pc fools taking terms literally and as being serious.

I get grief for being slightly porky, bald, white (my black friends naturally assume I have a tiny willy) and you can imagine, in a salesroom, the grief I get with my dug and crime history. I find it fun, and banter, and the day I take the huff at being accused of selling my colleague's lost passport for crack, or for being a fat ginge, or telling me not to queue up twice for injections (vaccines), then that, my friend, is the day I see life as being colourless.

Mockery and teasing is an essential part of life. Even now, in adult life, a bad haircut can cause years of teasing and unflattering nicknames. And a good thing, too.

Do you remember that one of mine a couple of years back that caused all the kerfuffle?
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:44, closed)
Ahhhhhhh...the Top Gear defence.

(, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 9:59, closed)
A perfectly legitimate one (and the haircut reference is directly from Clarkson).
Teasing is fun. It keeps people sharp, and is tremendously entertaining. It is also a good way to ensure that people don't take themselves too seriously and become self righteous bores.

People take themselves too seriously, bitch about being insulted and having hurt feelings, and it's a crock of shit, and it means that people's opinions are given too much credibility. Respect is fine, but nothing in this world should be sacred and immune from mockery (although there is a fine line between that and bullying/abuse, on occasion).

Look at London's gang culture. People can't take a joke. Result - lots of shootings and violence.

In the workplace or general life; People get all arsey and try to sue for nothing. It's indicative of people's refusal to take responsibility for their own lives - instead of dealing with things between one another, this leads to people having pointless bureacracy, silly legal stuff and government legislation on issues that don't oncern them.

All in all, without teasing the world would be a poorer place.

AB - you tease people with clearly made up, terrible posts. Your mockery (while inspiring a load of divs that haven't got your ability, sadly) has got rid of a lot of the worst posts (and those from teens who have nothing to say). A clear benefit of teasing, from you, right there.

Your old posts about "rudder" - more teasing (and fairly hurtful to the victim no doubt, although very very funny)...

What happens at work - you're a nurse, in an NHS hospital, I believe; the people I know that work in hospitals are usually full of incredibly inappropriate jokes and comments, and are hideously rude to each other. This, I understand, makes a healthy working environment. Please do correct me if I'm wrong, but I cannot imagine you don't join in with banter; do you sit on the sidelines, making notes for the next staff meeting?
(, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 10:46, closed)
Hear fucking

Being offended is a symptom of lacking the wit to retort.
(, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 15:21, closed)
Might I remind the honorable gentlemen of
(, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:23, closed)
Still true, all of it.
You ruined this site for me and a lot of veteran regulars. You were never cruel enough to offend me --few people are-- but you relentlessly and expertly deepthroated the fun out of my posting-cock till it could only spurt a dribble of sadness and disappointment. Your endless war of attrition and obsession with calling out popular posters drove away some entertaining writers. You're consumed by the notion that exaggeration or an imagination somehow gets in the way of a good story. It's the fucking opposite, by the way.

Still, you've built a loyal cult of feeble sycophants devoted to the wretched mission. As I recall, cliquishness was one of your main complaints about the old regular posters too... funny old world, hmm?
(, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:01, closed)
I like the Archive, and it does highlight some shockingly bad posts, and it's funny
But I agree with almost everything you say - the real problem isn't the AB archive, but the knobs who try to jump all over things that aren't pc or are indicative of opinions/activities they dislike or don't "get."

Try not to get too wound up though, the idiots go nowhere, and we have an ignore button too, if we want to use it. I don't, because I realise that anyone who posts 10,000+ messages a year on a web forum really should get out more, and because most of the people who pick up on this nonsense are fucking geeks (look at their pics!)
(, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 10:07, closed)
You ain't kidding - you should have a look at flickr!

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:45, closed)
*runs off to read DP's trannie post*

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:13, closed)
God? Who he?
One of the Perth bush fires reached about 200 metres from our house. We're right next to Canning River Regional Park where the only fire NOT to take out a few houses raged. Like most of the locals, we went for a quick sticky beak and watched the firies put out a few blazes. We turned round to walk home to find a 30 foot high wall of flame blocking our way and the wooden walkway ablaze. We decided to take the long route home instead.

I'm going to get up early tomorrow and have a walk through what's left of the park. The place is usually crawling with snakes so I should finally be able to see one thanks to the lack of ground cover (if they weren't all cooked). 7 years I've lived here and I seem to be the only person not to encounter snakes every few weeks.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:34, closed)
I Live
in urban Melbourne. Shouldn't really be any snakes but I've seen three (including today's) in the last year. Admittedly, I live close to the Yarra and our yard backs onto fields. And, the bottom of my garden is a fucking terraced jungle.

The first snake I saw I'd like to know what it was. Didn't see it's head - only it's back as it slithered past me. Blue-black it was with more tendency to blue. At least as thick as my fore-arm and I know we don't get Pythons down here.

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:48, closed)
Could have been a tiger snake, they can be banded or non banded and can have steely blue colouration to them. And are quite the chunkster in adult animals! Easily arm thickness.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:01, closed)
You Mean.....?
I might family of the fuckers in my garden?

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:22, closed)
Yup, babies and all! All snuggled up in their slippery little love nest!
Or you could be colourblind :P
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 16:30, closed)
Chin up.

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:48, closed)
worse things happen at sea, wot wot

(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:47, closed)
I was thinking about maybe paying you a visit if the redundancy comes off...
Now I'm not so sure. I'd rather take my chances on a Saturday night out in the Booze Brothers pub up the road...
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 18:43, closed)
Ah the joys...
...of living in Australia. I'm on a farm, near a little place halfway between Melbourne and Sydney. Spiders (from tiny ones which fuck you up to massive ones which irritate), brown and black snakes, big bitey ants, pissed-off marsupials, drought, floods, bushfires and bracing cold are all things I've encountered in the decade I've lived here.

All good fun though; I'd never go back to the city.
(, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 5:28, closed)
I feel this is the right place to post this gem of a song.. www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmRexWQhs3M
(, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 14:04, closed)

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