Last!

#

##tumbleweed##
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 13:06, Reply)

I made some pictures of kids playing 'secret' games with well-known cartoon characters and marsupials.
But instead of posting them on /board I foolishly kept them on my hard drive.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 12:37, 1 reply)

This is like
a radio show where they've specifically asked people to phone in with their least funny stories. or The Danny Baker Show.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 11:39, 1 reply)

Fortunately, I have never tried to be funny.

(McChinaman banned, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 9:05, 1 reply)

Ringofyre's post-banning sockpuppet account.
I think he intends it as a Puckish and defiant gesture; acting on mod advice to put the bullies on ignore, while still serving as an outlet for his 'naturalistic' storytelling talents.

But all that's happened is that the weepy fuckwit can't even stick to his own self-imposed MO and is tragically logging and in and out to tussle with those very same bullies that he has on 2.0.

It's really quite something, isn't it?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 22:20, 17 replies)

Why are the mods who were so happy with the banhammer earlier convering up whether or not Dr Shambolic has said b3ta yet?

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 19:40, 15 replies)

She didn't shave under her armpits in that song.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 18:41, 5 replies)

Oh dear
I'm the manager at a shop with a team of about 30 employees. My regional manager was in my store doing a scored store audit where he checks my tills, cash flow, sales, budgets, merchandising, shrinkage etc. All of this is recorded on a standardised form for all of the company. I get a score and a pat on the back or a kicking.

One of the things tasks he has to perform to fill out the sheet is to speak to a member of my team and ask them how they are, how is morale and is there anything they would change. He wanders into the back of house where two of my staff members are. One is a pretty young girl and the other is a big black bloke. He proceeds to ask the girl his questions.

He comes to the question
"is there anything you would change?"
Before she can answer my assistant manager appears at the door, points at the black bloke and blurts out;
"I Know what he would change, He would be a white man if he could Ha Ha Ha"

*massively awkward silence*

When he was challenged about what on earth possessed him to say such a thing he set off on an awkward attempted arse covering rant about Michael Jackson.

He was fired the following week.
( You drive like a mong in a dodgem today is, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 18:15, Reply)

Just remembered this one...
On holiday a few years ago with some mates, when a young girl wearing a bikini walked down into the sea.

"Fucking hell" exclaimed one mate "She's a KILF"

I swear even the sun went a bit dimmer as he said it...
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 17:33, 17 replies)

Whatever happened to Legless, anyway?

(McChinaman banned, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:33, 9 replies)

Impressing Ben Elton
1983 - the heyday of 'alternative' comedy (based on storytelling not punchlines) and I go to the Winter Gardens in Bournemouth to see Ryk Mayall, Ben Elton and Andy De La Tour on their national tour. After the gig, my friend Richard (we've had to call him 'Ryk' ever since!) wanted to get Mr Mayall's autograph as did many others and we went backstage where he joined the queue. Not being so enamoured I found myself standing against a wall next to Messrs Elton and DeLaTour.
Well, what an opportunity! I had only recently heard what I considered to be a BRILLIANT joke. Made me chortle and was my current favourite. So I started to tell it to my new best mate Ben.
Now... although I was 18, I was VERY naive! I didn't even realise that Mr Elton was of Jewish descent. The joke consisted of some Jewish gentlemen discovering a German tank in the desert and one-by-one dying of exhaustion in an attempt to push it to a scrapyard to get some money for it. I must admit the punchline (head pops out of turret, looks around and says into the tank "Hey Hans I think we've run out of Jews") didn't go down very well.
After a few seconds of awkward silence B.E. turns to me, says "I don't do jokes" then walks off.
I don't to this day really know if he was being honest, utterly offended or whether he was just pissed off because no-one was queueing for his autograph.
(mikey2gorgeous4u, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 11:42, 8 replies)

Bad Taste party

My badge saying "Hiroshima was a dump anyway" didn't get the big laugh I'd expected.

I still think it's funny myself.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 11:36, 2 replies)

Have I said 'b3ta' yet?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 10:31, 4 replies)

In our student halls in first year...
we had a guy on our floor with a reputation as a bit of a troublemaker when drunk. His escapades varied from relatively light misdemeanors like theft of a bag of frozen chicken burgers from the local takeaway, to throwing an actual china plate out of an eighth story window near the entrance to the building. Despite coming close to killing people, he was a really nice guy when not massively off his face. Needless to say, he was frequently reprimanded for his japes, but since the girl at the head of the committee took a shine to him, he was always let off with a slap on the wrist. It was pretty much a weekly event that he'd go to defend himself and his place in the halls of residence, only to return back to his room unscathed after an hour of light grilling. It became a running joke that he'd be kicked out sooner or later, but he never seemed to come close.

Then one night he managed to get into the annex of our student halls, and caused some form of destruction. Being on his own, and pissed, he couldn't remember what he'd done, but it somehow involved the girlfriend of the student representative of our hall who'd been voted in a few weeks previously. Rumours spread that he'd been walking down the corridors shooting people with an air rifle, to smearing his own shit on the walls. Each rumour got more and more absurd, and the event gained some kind of legendary status around the halls. He got called up again for another council meeting, but this time the hall representative decided to join in the proceedings and flex his muscles to demonstrate his newly found power, possibly in order to defend his girlfriend and her friends, or maybe just to impress them.

A few hours later, this guy came back looking a little disheveled and lost. He walked down the corridor, and we gathered round to hear the usual verdict. This time however, he said quietly, "I've been kicked out of uni..."

Assuming that he was messing about like all the times before, I put my hand on his shoulder and jokingly shouted, "Good riddance! See you later you massive CUNT!" with a beaming grin on my face.

Apparently I'm not a good judge of emotions. He'd genuinely been kicked out this time. He looked at me and teared up a little, while everyone looked at me like I was some kind of idiot...which I suppose is largely correct.
( guffguff fuckes your gradeds balls!, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 10:18, 7 replies)

Really? No one's even looked at this one?
Mythbusters - Lead Balloon.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 8:32, 21 replies)

www.b3tards.com/u/23925b16ee60d4243068/moggy_naughty_step_me_b3ta_loves_child_fuckers.jpg
.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 1:30, 21 replies)

BOOMIER!
b3ta.com/questions/leadballoon/post2062300
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 23:48, Reply)

BOOM!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=PepKc6sPgjs
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 23:44, 11 replies)

No one mention sheds!

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 22:46, 2 replies)

Not my proudest moment
Many, many year ago I settled in a small South Cambridgeshire village. The community was predominantly singles and young marrieds and we soon got to know each other.
Every weekend after excursions to the local hostelries, we would inevitably end up in someone’s house for a continuation of the evening.

One of my neighbours (who was Welsh), had been telling us for the previous few weeks that his younger brother was coming to visit.
On this evening in question, I arrived a bit late and everyone had assembled. After the ‘Hi’s and ‘Hello’s, we are all seated and conversations resume.

I then noticed a pair of feet (obviously attached to legs and the rest of the body) stretched out from the far end of the sofa. On the feet were the most bleeding awful pair of platform shoes ever seen. They must have been at least 15 years out of fashion. Peering around, I also noticed that he was wearing tinted specs and a nylon bomber jacket.
This, I surmised, must be the younger brother, and fair game.

Half way through a sentence, I suddenly shouted “Uggi Uggi Uggi” and his immediate reply of “Oi Oi Oi” confirmed my deduction and I knew I had a live one.
The conversation went thus:
“From that little outburst, I guess you must be the younger brother”
“I am indeed, boyo”
“Well I am pleased to meet you, but I think I must take older brother to task for not preparing us properly for your arrival. Now I have noticed that you are not quite the same as the rest of us, how do you feel about that?”
“What do you mean, boyo?”
“Well you are different, does that make you feel awkward?”
“Do you want to waken up seeing Jesus Christ?”
(I became very aware that the neighbours were looking at me in aghast. Eyes as wide open as their mouths. Now this surprised me as they knew I remorselessly took the mickey from everyone)
“Don’t be like that, please. It is rather obvious and must be on the mind of everyone here but they are just being too polite to mention it”.
“You’ll be shitting teeth, boyo”
(Again, looking at the neighbours, they were all affected by total paralysis. Oh crap, this is getting to be a struggle, I thought, time to stop)
“Look, it is not your fault that you have two club feet”
He burst out laughing and there was a collective sigh of relief from the neighbours as the tension suddenly evaporated.

It was sometime later that evening the conversation got round to height. I was asked and replied “Something over 6’2””.
“I am 4”7”” says the younger brother who promptly stands up to reveal that, yes, he was 4’7” and had a hump on his back…

I felt like vomiting. I could have left that room by sliding under the closed door.

He stayed for years, we did become friends and I learnt to shut the fuck up.
(bof, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 15:14, 6 replies)

Has Dr Preference referenced Dr Shambolic's post yet?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 13:54, Reply)

Has Dr Shambolic said 'b3ta' yet?

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 13:52, Reply)

Has anybody said 'b3ta' yet?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 9:45, 34 replies)

Band goes down like qotw subject
Once upon a time a band I was in was invited to play at a pub in the wonderful* town of Melton Mowbray. It was part of the Melton Mowbray music week, there were bands playing all over town, publicity everywhere, it was shaping up to be a good gig - the local radio even phoned me for an interview, very exciting.

Come the day of the gig, the promoter phoned me, said it was a really good music venue, one of the best in town, she'd spoken to the landlady and it was going to be a good night, there might be a BBC camera crew there, sorry she wouldn't be able to make it herself but she had to be at another event that night which she couldn't get out of... excitement cranked to fever pitch now: a BBC camera crew!!

We duly arrived at the pub, to find 4 people and a dog, and the most miserable landlady I've ever met, who within 10 minutes of arriving proceeded to tell the singer off for calling her "love", chastise the bassist's wife for asking for a coffee, telling her "This is a PUB, not a coffee house!" (while drinking a cup of tea), and then tell me in no uncertain terms that we had to play covers only: if she heard any original material she'd kill the power instantly.

The 4 who were there stayed, but they obviously weren't out to see a band, they sat the other side of the fireplace and played cards. Occasionally they clapped a bit, but we definitely went down like a lead balloon that night.

tl;dr - my band played to an empty pub, sporadic applause occasionally ensued


*May not actually be wonderful
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 9:08, 1 reply)

Funeral-related pea roast
At the funeral of a young family member some years ago, when the car I was in drew up at the church I saw my helplessly-weeping sister waiting outside. I caught her attention and impulsively flashed her a V sign.

It's a family joke, we all do it, and the point is to get it in at the least appropriate moment. Think I'm still ahead on points for that one as my sister had to laugh, but everyone else who saw it was shocked.

It's what he would have wanted.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 11:07, 1 reply)

Disappear slowly into a neutral colour.
Many years ago...
I was a local manager "slash" roadie for a number of international touring acts. Part of my job aside from lugging heavy gear and bumping in & out was to organise the band's riders and on the odd occasion procure them something stronger. This usually entailed me approaching the touring co. & event organisers and sorting out a fridge full of beer at most stops & sussing out the local "reputable" dealers. Nothing too fancy but enough to keep those artistic types happy and quiet.

One particularly band, 'Extreme Voice' was fronted by a Scottish gentleman who went by the name of Backwards Jim, who'd been associated with other bands such as 'Petite Elizabeth' and 'The Overall View'. He was a rude, obnoxious cunt of a man who never failed to put off-side pretty much any of the professionals that had to work with him. As such many of these organisers and PR reps chose to take their revenge on him by doing spiteful little things, like - making sure that the fridge had been turned off several hours prior to our arrival, or ensuring that the only groupies in town were syphilis ridden crones who'd last serviced a pre-war era Prime Minister. You get the gist.
Anyway as we traveled the Hume Highway thru New South Wales into Victoria, one such tour promoter was waiting for us in Gundagai. Backwards Jim had managed to piss this guy off by fucking his girlfriend and then kicking her off the bus in the middle of fucking no-where (Cootamundra no less!). So this guy got his revenge by giving us the bands rider (as he was contractually obliged to do so) in 1 and 2 cent pieces - all $200's worth. About 10 mins. before the pubs were due to shut. Australia in the 80's was post metric but we still then used copper 1c and 2c in everyday currency - suffice to say trying to buy a pony at about 70c late on a week night in this country town probably would've seen us locked up, let alone a whole band's drinks for the night. I explained the predicament to Backwards Jim, who of course immediately flew into a strop and grabbed the heavy bag of money and hurled it into the road in disgust. Which then split spilling 10's of thousands of coins over the main road thru the small country town.

Realising very quickly that the other band members would not survive let alone not mutiny without their libations I quickly drew Backwards Jim aside and said to him in a hushed whisper - "Get those cents off Hume or fail, Ure!"

Apologies?
Hmmmm.

Nope, none.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 7:09, 9 replies)