How warped is this thread getting?
what began as a simple thread, asking about the joys of childhood innocence and the way in which our parents Begin to teach us that every fucker is a liar.

Now Clangers and Dark tales of Crocodiles and the planet Zack?
Hell some things are belivable, funny and touching in a way we can all relate to.

Maybe it is time to come back to Reality.

Or maybe you are all more crazy than me.

Considering I am currently downloading a combination of Nazi Black metal and Irish rebel music to play at the next Socialist worker rally.

As I sit polishing my DMs and cleaning my Grozny Widowmaker.

Still, maybe it IS time for a reality check.
(Finn_coyote, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 21:11, Reply)

Up Until Yesterday
I believed (for like 15 years... I'm 24) that the reason my uncle and his wife split was because she wanted to get a sex change, and that her name went from Charlene to Charlie. I also remember being told that she'd left him for another woman.

I'm not sure how this came up in conversation with my dad when he called me yesterday, or why they'd tell me something like that??

In other lies, my grandfather was a raging alcoholic (again, why lie??) and my grandmother had 3 ovaries.
(Ecclesia, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 20:59, Reply)

Sock shops
Dad - a tour guide in Belgium, informed me on a trip to Amsterdam that what we were passing were Sock Shops - it just so happened that 'sex' was Dutch for socks. The gaudy colours and strange zoning passed me by entirely.

Twenty years later a trip to Amsterdam with my girlfriend was educational and remarkably sock free....
(clopinettes, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 18:48, Reply)

Crocodiles
When i was about 6 or 7, i had a nasty habit of sticking my arm out the open window of a moving car. Probably liked the feel of the wind of something.
Anyway, my dad didn't like this, probably believing my arm would be severed by oncoming traffic.
But, of course, my dad didn't think to enlighten me of this fact. Instead, when we were on the motorway and my arm was fluttering about in the wind, my patriarch said "Wouldn't do that if i was you."
When I enquired as to why, he spun a ludicrous yarn about crocodiles (which incite and still do incite pant-browning terror in me)made of tar living in the asphalt of the road. He said they like nothing better than to JUMP and tear the arms off of small children who are cretinous enough to shove their arms out the window.
Now, my pater obviously was ignorant of the real, petrifying terror that crocs caused me, and upon hearing this i promptly shrieked, near pissed myself, yanked my arm in the window, and turned the handle to close it so fast that it almost snapped off.
Suddenly i realised the beasties were probably directly under he car, about 3 inches from my feet, and crocs in my fear-tainted mind possessing of the strength to pop up through the car's underbody like a jack-in-the-box, i drew my feet up onto the seat and sat there shivering for the rest of the journey.
I refused to set foot on a road for days afterward, and had howling nightmares for weeks. Even months later i still got nervous in cars.

First post, by the way.
(New Lassic; new danger, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 18:40, Reply)

The Bruce
My Dad once told me that our family descended from Robert the Bruce... I used to beleive him but then he told the Judge he wasn't a child molester so now i have my doubts.
(Stupot looks at his watch, and it says, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 17:28, Reply)

Troooo!
My dad told me the condoms he had under his pillow was there in case he needed a pee during the night .......... GROSS!
(Rod'z Mum, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 16:58, Reply)

Planet Zark
Mr insignificantsnivellinglittleturd.

I think our paths may have crossed somewhere back in my warped life because my mum did indeed, as a special Christmas treat, send me to the planet Zark. Anyway I’d like to share a story which still makes me laugh to this day. My Aunt Maisy, being a smoker herself, would warn me tirelessly about the harmful efects which smoking could lead to. To this day I love going around to hers and taking the piss out of the old bag doubled over and wriddled with cancer. Still, she’ll be dead soon……….Cow!
(Mapper, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 16:42, Reply)

<whispers>
louise doesn't like peas
(Rod'z Mum, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 16:37, Reply)

Ha Ha Bloody Ha
Caught you out Mr Mapper, you areswipe.
You have fallen for the oldest trick in the book.
Moira Stewart does indeed provide voices in the Clangers, but not for the Clangers themselves.

She stood in for Mother Theresa (who had herpes and couldn't get her lips into the right shape) on two episodes and plays the Iron Chicken:-

1. 'Chicken' transmitted on 30th November 1969
2. 'Vote for Froglet' the Election Night special edition transmitted 10th October 1974.

Clangers expert Gary 'Fiddler' Glitter states in the March 1979 edition of 'Clangers Galore'
that Moiras attempt at clucking was shite, and
that any 6 or 7 year olds that have photo's of themselves dressed as Clangers should send them in. The winner would get a very special 'secret' prize.

Where did your Mum pay for you to go last Christmas - fuckin planet Zark?
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 16:31, Reply)

soy sauce
My grandfather told my mom that soy sauce was pigeon blood.

I tell my children that the ice cream truck is the "happy truck", the music and images of ice cream are here just to make us feel good.
(katsdrama, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 16:16, Reply)

Talking about Eastenders
I’m sorry did I say I enjoyed peas? I meant wanking.
Anway on the subject of Eastenders, my mum once bought me a guided tour trip around the eastenders set for Christmas. I happened to bump into Little Mo and she did infact confess to doing the voice over for the clangers! ……..NOT
Of all the obsurd claims I have ever heard this has to be the worst Mr insignificantsnivellinglittleturd. Give it up man! It was infact everyones favorite Black newsreader Moira Stewart of ITN fame……Looser!
(Mapper, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 16:14, Reply)

My girlfriend's family
used to lie to her all the time.
Her dad told her that he used to collect his farts in jars and label them.
He said that he once flew in a plane over the Eiffel Tower and they flew so low that he stuck his bum out the door and scratched it on the top.

Her brother-in-law insisted that he had a plastic knee and then would remain stoic and straight-faced while she smacked him on the knee with the heaviest object she could find.
Her brother used to "swallow" his silver chain and then "regurgitate" it. she'd go mad trying to work out how he'd done it.
( Unglebunk, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 15:39, Reply)

Peas
Oh yeah that's right - jump on the bandwagon.

No sooner have I declared my interest in peas than 'Mr Believable' Mapper jumps in and says he likes them a bit too.

What's the likelihood of that?????

Two people having a conversation, one a pea lover, the other kind of likes them. I don't think so.
In all my travels I have only ever met one other person who kind of liked peas and he is now dead. (Well actually he's on a life support system but the Doctor's have said they'll have to unplug it on Sunday so they can watch the Eastenders omnibus).

Get real Mappers - I'm getting well pissed off with your constant lies.

ps - I'm going to watch the Eastenders omnibus as well. Did you know that Little Mo did all the whistling noises for the Clangers, and Jeffrey Archer did the soup dragon.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 15:25, Reply)

of the reverse piss-take kind
Me mum sometimes didn't quite get the lyrics for songs and was quite upset one day when listening to a Bonny Tyler song ('...I was lost in France, again') on the radio. She complained that it was such a nice tune, but why did she have to sing about '...I was dressed in drag, again'.

I subsequently managed to convince her that the words to YMCA were actually 'Why aren't you gay?'
(barrythesprout, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 15:18, Reply)

To insignificantsnivellinglittleturd
Ok OK, I did exaggerate the truth a little, but I need to pull you up on something here. The Dear old mint sucking Queen Mum was a joy to know. I first met her on an African Safari which my mum treated me to as a Christmas present. Old Queenie kept us entertained for hours by juggling rainbow Trout with her ears. Oh how we’d laugh!
NOW, If, (As insignificantsnivellinglittleturd would want us to believe) Queenie was infact a robot, how the fuck would she be able to sustain hours of constant battering from the afore mentioned fish without denting? This disproves your absurd theory and adds as a constant reminder to me not to hang around with fishy old Queens. (Not that I do)

Peas are ok I Guess
(Mapper, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 15:09, Reply)

mummy smells
I was "helping" my girlfriend at the time babysit her nextdoor neighbour's 3 and 6 year old angelic children. We had taken a break from "Helping" when the 6 year old one came down having had a nightmare. My ex went into the kitchen to heat some milk. ERROR!!!! It was at this time that I told him that "Mummy smells of Bollocks." Not knowing what bollocks were he didn't understand the implications of wht would happen when he repeated the phrase to his Mum. Poor thing got a hiding. Needless to say she doesn't smell of bollocks.
(coz, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 15:08, Reply)

AND
AND Twiggy was not born of human parents, but was created from an empty smarties packet and two green pipe cleaners.

no no no - I really do like peas.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 15:04, Reply)

I don't think so
Sorry readers if this is straying from the original thread but I have spotted a few glaring errors in Mappers latest

Firstly Tegucigalpa means 'Silver Mountain' and the nearest river is the Choluteca which separates it from its sister city Comayaguela.

Lastly Rodney Tarquin Hull was born in Belmopan in Belize and only moved to Tegucigalpa aged 6 after an unfortunate incident involving Ken Dodd and a variety of seasonal root vegetables. He is most famous for building the robotic Queen Mother that was wheeled out in public between April 1997 and July 1998.

I love peas.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 14:48, Reply)

Now then now then
. . . calm down calm down.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 14:46, Reply)

insignificantsnivellinglittleturd
Dear insignificantsnivellinglittleturd.
With Respect, i'd like to point out that during my somewhat disturbing coach trip to Peru, we passed through Tegucigalpa where i enjoyed the scenic views of this city. Tegucigalpa, the capital of Honduras, got its name from a very famous pig wrestler from the area. Nestling beautifully on the river Wet, this thriving metropolis also claims birth to Rod Hull (Of Rod and Emu fame) and Twiggy.....So there!
(Mapper, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 14:28, Reply)

Mapper
Does Mapper really expect us to believe that his Mum sent him on a coach to Peru.
I have checked with National Express and the furthest south they go is Tegucigalpa in central Honduras.
Come on Mapper if you're going to lie, at least make it believable.

ps - My mates mum used to tell us she was chewing her tongue when really she was enjoying one of Mr Wrigleys minty sticks.

Don't tell an 8 year old to try chewing his / her tongue - it frickin hurts. Whore
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 14:14, Reply)

Get the fuckers back
I have a charming 'reverse pisstake story'. When I was about 10 I had one of those radios that nerdies use to listen to conversations between pilots and air traffic control. We lived near Manchester Airport, so one night I waited until my gran was on her own, tuned the radio into the right frequency and told her that there had been a disaster at the control tower and she had to talk the planes in to land.

I left the room, leaving her struggling with oncoming hysteria and trying to talk to the pilot of an incoming 747.
(Sumo, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 14:12, Reply)

Good Ole Mum
When I was 10 I asked my mum for a MegaDrive for Christmas. She put me on a coach to Peru......Bitch!
(Mapper, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 14:03, Reply)

Avenue Kiosk
When we went to Whipsnade Zoo, my mum and dad kept pointing out the sign to the "Avenue Kiosk" and saying it was an enormous animal of some kind.
( giant_squid, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 13:56, Reply)

that in his day
my dad used to eat porridge with salt and water instead of milk and sugar. While this may be true, he pushed the credibility of his deception too far when he claimed that it tasted nicer made that way. I spat it out when he made it for me, so he said he'd eat it. He ate only half of it, if that, and I never saw him touch it again.

The same goes for tripe being nice. While we had chips for our dinner one night, he said he'd rather have, and tucked into, a plate of tripe, and only tripe. I've never seen him eat it since that day.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 13:14, Reply)