When i was born
me mam was a single parent.
When i asked- based on the precious little i knew- why my dad was my dad, if he didn't live with me and i didn't have his surname, she told me:

"well darling, when i knew i was going to have a baby i wasn't married so i asked around at work who would like to be your daddy and your father said 'i will""

i actually fell for that and believed it till i was about 7 when i thought haaang on...
(Ampersand, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 16:00, Reply)

I'm still not sure if this one is really a lie,
but I have my suspicions.
They said that pissing while in the swimming pool would make the water turn bright purple.
(you_can't_get_there_from_here, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:55, Reply)

Shut up!!!
My Dad who's an electrical engineer used to threaten me when I was little, that if I didn’t shut up he'd install a swtich on the side of my head so that he could switch me off and I wouldn’t be able to talk until he turned it on again. It actually worked until I was about 6 or so!
(lazura, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:54, Reply)

Oh yeah *reads below*
My sister also believed, after my mum had to agree with here in order to shut her up, she was the girl on the test card too.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:50, Reply)

That cow one reminds me of a similar one
My grandparents love in wales.Once when my sister was about 10 and me 8 at the most, my mum told us that the sheep born on the mountains have 2 legs shorter than the other and if they were put on flat land they'll keel over. Just 3 weeks ago when my sister was here for christmas (now 20) in a convosation, "yeah its like those sheep with 2 legs shorter than the other" to her boyfriend who looked at her like she was nuts. She still cat take it to be a joke.

Oh, and during the holidays my mum told me about how they had to break the news about santa to my sister before she started grammer school. After tones of tears and yelling "ok ok, I suppose I can believe santa doesnt exsit,(yeah right) but at least the tooth fairy does"

Idiot. She got another princess tiara for christmas. Shes 21 in april
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:47, Reply)

My Dad, Haggi and an animal expert.
I know the haggis one has been done already (left legs different length to the right), but my Dad took it a small step further... too far in fact.

When I was in primary school my class had a visit from a animal expert (from a Zoo I think), and in true primary school style, we all had to write about our favourite animals... I chose the Haggis, and based it soley on what my Dad had "taught" me.

So this article described how Haggis's (or Haggi for plural) are small, hedgehog-like animals that lived in Scottish mountainsm and how there were 4 different types of haggis:
Ones with shorter left-legs that could only run anti-clockwise round mountains,
Ones with shorter right-legs that could only run clock-wise,
Ones with shorter front legs that could only run up the mountain,
and
Ones with shorter back legs that could only run down.
Catching Haggi was incredibly easy. All you had to do was jump out infront of one, and it would be so scared it would turn around and try to run the other way, but, with the short legs on the wrong side it would unbalance and tumble down the mountain, where you have another man waiting with a giant net.

Not only was my teacher highly amused when she saw what I'd written, she showed it to the animal expert, and also, when my mum came to collect me, the teacher showed it to her. My Dad took a while to live that one down.
(minister of heresy, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:41, Reply)

i forgot!!
dont ever forget the one where my dad confirmed to me that if i just let myself go the bike would drive itself. So i shouldnt be scared and i should go for it.

Probably a great way to instill confidence.... or in my case putting me in traction for 3 months.
(Ush, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:39, Reply)

A lie and a comeback :-)
When I was younger, we were driving through the Kerry (county in southern Ireland) countryside when I saw a herd of cows grazing on a steep hill.

My dad remarked that they could walk easily on the hill as they had two legs shorter on one side than on the other.

Slightly confused I asked him "what happens when they turn around?"

He didn't have an answer. Hehe :-)
(sionnach, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:33, Reply)

Lying Goits
When I was a kid my dad told me that electricity pylons were actually called "lifters" and were used in extreme car crashes to lift wrecks off roads. Scared the hell outta me.

Also when I asked about why i had no money from the tooth fairy, he told me that there was no tooth fairy, but that Mr Jack (my goldfish) crawled out of his tank at night and stole the teeth. I hated that fish from then on until i found out the truth and then I had the biggest guilt trip.

Bastards.
(Ush, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:30, Reply)

Driving to see my Grandma...
...we passed a power station with the cooling towers belching out steam. When I asked why this was so, my dad claimed that they were, in fact, cloud factories, which I duly wrote up the following Monday in my news book at school.
(the_hammerhead_tart -- In love with a strict machine, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:26, Reply)

Cats and other things.
When I was a kid, our cat was taken to the vet's one day. Apparently the vet liked him so much he kept him.

Every Christmas Day, watching the Queen's speech with my dad, who was always very pleased that his Christmas card to her was on the table/desk/mantelpiece behind her.

When I was about five, Tom Baker was giving a free talk about being Doctor Who (cos he was at that time) and my dad took us to see him. That night Dad pointed out the window at a moving light in the sky and said "there's the Doctor going home in his Tardis". Which I told everyone at school the next day.
(Sleary, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 15:23, Reply)

Cats
I can't recall reading this one on the thread so far, and I can't believe I was the only one who fell for it as a youngun, so I hope I'm not spoiling anyones illusions:

We moved house when I was around 10, to South Africa in fact, but we had 3 cats that we couldn't take with us due to the quarrantine, etc. My parents told me and my brother that they took the cats to a local farmer, and that the cats were happy working on the farm catching rats and rabbits every day.

They lied.
(alfwine buggerbridge, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Parent 'Telly' Lies
Remember the old BBC (or ITV) test card, with the little girl standing in front of a blackboard? (also with the scary clown?)
Well when she was little my wife's dad told her that it was her... he convinced her that he'd sent in a photo and because she was so pretty they decided to put her on telly for everyone to see.

And Yes, my wife totally believed this for years - even proudly telling me about it not long after we first met.

Bloody Lying Parents!
(SproutsAreEvil, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 14:41, Reply)

when ice cream vans play that tune
it means they've ran out
(_Jon_, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 14:37, Reply)

standard parental lies
Every Year my dad would say that christmas had been cancelled. After about 12 years of him saying this, it had got to the Stage of his announcements would be met with a half bored 'yes dad, you say that every year.' The other lie he repeated to my mother and even to me, 'No I am not seeing that woman, margaret'. Then he fucked off to be with this woman when I was 13.
(Finn_coyote, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 14:26, Reply)

My parents told my sis
that electric pylons got up and walked about at night.
Shitted her up good and proper.
(jonnies, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 14:21, Reply)

air raid shelter
Another one my parents told me was that the previous owners of our house had had an air-raid shelter. My dad bricked it up when we first moved in. About 15 years later I found out that the air raid shelter was in fact a nuclear bunker!
(thrain, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 13:48, Reply)

sucking your thumb
I was told by my parents if I sucked my thumb I would get buck-teeth. -which is apparently true in some cases.

(btw I found this about swallowing chewing gum: ask.yahoo.com/ask/20010223.html
(thrain, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 13:43, Reply)

My dad
always said that telegraph poles were installed by dropping them from a great height from a helicopter. I believed him for years.
( splorp ®, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 13:28, Reply)

Slippery Chicken
I couldnt stand liver as a child - my devious parents used to call it slippery chicken. Needless to say, i wolfed it down at least once a fortnight
( lemoncurry alright., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 13:18, Reply)

For years, I genuinely thought a hard-on
was a type of rugby tackle
(Pooch, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 13:18, Reply)

Not so much a lie by my parents but still a lie nonetheless
My parents are fairly religious and thus I had a religious upbringing. When I was perhaps about 10 or 11 I had started playing D&D with a friend down the road. This was fine with them until some cretin from the church told them that it had the same effects as using a ouija board. When they passed this on to me I was savvy enough by then to know otherwise. However my dad stepped in during one of our games and told us to stop playing because it was evil. Of course I was used to this claptrap but I was still mortified at my friend having to hear my father's misinformed rantings...

We never played D&D again.

And thus were planted the seeds of cynicism against parental advice that later germinated and flourished during my teenage years.
Parents be warned, you reap what you sow!
(trollbite, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 13:15, Reply)

My birthday
My parents lied to me about when my birthday was.

I went into daycare quite young and my pre-school teacher suggested I might be bored staying for another year and that I was ready to start school (yes I must have been a monster). As I went to Catholic schools my parents simply tippexed out the date on my baptismal certificate and typed over the top adjusting my birth date by two months so I would make the cut off date for entry for that year.

So from 4 until about 6 or so I celebrated it then. However I think that on my 7th birthday I got a little confused about the date (and who could blame me) and insisted that it was the day before. When I have tried to piece it together I can vaguely remember as that was the only year I didn't have a proper cake. So from 7 til 11 I thought that this birthday was my real birthday when in fact it wasn't even my real fake birthday which was a day later.

That said I celebrated my birthday on this date til I was 18. I'm still a bit funny about my birthdays to this day. But I'm the only one that celebrates all 3.
(r0slynne, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 12:49, Reply)

Five-legged horse
"Why's that horse got five legs?"

This is of course because some horses mummys and daddys are magic, and so the baby horses have a special extra leg which it can use when one of the others gets tired. Not at all because it's got a frighteningly large cock dragging along the floor.
(ivor_the_injun, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 12:38, Reply)

My parents constantly wound me up
While out on our usual Sunday morning walk round the lodge, we spotted a goose with its head under its wing. 'Oh look a headless duck' says my Dad. After he satisfied all my questions (How does it eat, know where it's going etc.) I proudly informed everyone that I'd seen a rare headless duck.

My Mum told me the moon was made of green cheese, and forgot about it. Until parents evening, when my teacher showed them a large and elaborate project I'd done. It was so good it had to go on the wall. It was all about the moon. Being made of green cheese.

My (Iron Maiden) fan) uncle told me he couldn't have his hair cut because it bleeds.
I pointed to a badge thingy on his new telly asking what it was. He convinced me it was a self-destruct button and everything electrical had one. I then went round every electrical item I had, locating the 'self-destruct button' to make sure I didn't press it. It was years before I accidentally pressed one and nothing happened.

One last one. My Mum sent me on my first day at school having learnt the rhyme;
Little Jack Horner
Sat in his corner
Eating Christmas pie.
He stuck in his thumb,
An pulled out a plum,
And said 'What the bloody hell's that'.
Of course when teech asked if anybody knew a nursery rhyme my hand shot up. My rhyme was carefully and proudly recited to a group of 30 four-year-olds.
I usually got ignored by the teachers at primary school when I put my hand up.
(boukha, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 12:37, Reply)

"you don't know what they're called? I'll tell you..."
Somewhere along the line when I was v young, I was told that scones were called pickled onions and vice versa. You wouldn't think there'd be too much scope for this confusion to be embarrassing, but after a couple of choice getting it wrongs when I was about 3 or 4, I still get shit about it to this day. Suffice to say that every buffet I've ever been to has a jar of pickled onions in the middle of the table, as well as someone's poor, rock-hard attempt at fashioning a plate of scones, often specifically made so that my family can relay the tale to strangers.

Similarly my mum telling me that eyebrows were called "feathers", which every girl I've ever met has found completely precious, and every bloke that's been told has used as evidence that I'm secretly gay.
(ivor_the_injun, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 12:30, Reply)

continuing the "(x) is poisonous" theme...
My mum told me that the middle of a Ferrero Rocher was poisonous if you ate it too quickly. Every Christmas there'd be a token box from an unofficial auntie, and I'd be there spending 3/4 of an hour slowly licking mine into a gooey mush while fearing for the lives of my brothers and sisters, who between them were polishing off the remainder of the box without a care.
(ivor_the_injun, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 12:25, Reply)

Milk
..My father, when I was around 3 or 4, would regularly ask me where milk came from. Being an intelligent child, I replied 'Cows', which would appear to be correct.
However, my Father, being the 'funny bugger' that he is, would advise me that I was correct, but he enjoyed adding that it was possible to get milk from trees, and, in fact, that is where we got our milk from. 'Bollocks' (or some such 3 year old variant) I replied, "Milk comes from Cows and cows alone"

I went to bed one evening, and The Great Bald One (TM) had an evil gleam in his eye.

I awoke, refreshed from my peaceful slumber, and my Father, excited, pointed out of the window. "There" he cried triumphantly. "Milk. On the Tree. I'll go and pick it now". And there, lo and behold, milk bottles were hanging, white and proud from the tree. He had tied milk bottles to the tree.

After that day, for a good while after, whenever people would ask where milk came from, I would reply "cows. And Trees"

He's just that kind of man. And I have become him with my own son. Lying to children for your own amusement is very funny, it is big, and it is clever.
(V3lvetPresley, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 12:22, Reply)

lies cream
The worst lie I ever heard was told to an old flatmate of mine. Her parents told her that the ice-cream van only played it's songs when it had run out of ice cream.
Truly evil
(LAGERBOY, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 12:16, Reply)

Falling out with my elder sister. . .
was never a clever move. After one big argument, she came up to my room and told me I was adopted. Seeing I was not convinced, she made me look through the photo album for any photos of me as a baby. Not knowing she had taken them all out, I burst out crying. She then told me that if I ever mentioned it to "mom and dad" they would dump me back in the woods where they found me. Thanks sis!
(le renard, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 11:56, Reply)