I had ALL the Halifax Piggy Banks...
Then, my mother, in all her wisdom told me they were dust collectors and that i should give them away...

I gave all away apart from the baby... WHICH THE BITCH BROKE WHILST DUSTING!

the cow!
( likeajackhammer, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 15:25, Reply)

hehe, I love work emails
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to get over. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



The moral of this story is:



Always keep your collection of condoms in your car.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Breasts
One of my best mates likes to wear those cold chicken fillet- breast-enhancy things when we go out. Trouble is couple of glasses of wine and a few boogies later and they get less than comfy so I get the duty of carrying them in my bag as it is normally bigger than hers (fnarr). I have quite a collection of breasts now, all sans nipples though so perhaps not as exciting as it sounds.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 14:18, Reply)

my new collection is words that other people have made up
and i'm starting with "hopingless"

thanks to quibble for that one.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 13:49, Reply)

Normanator - that story knocked the wind out of me
to have an almost complete vintage starwars collection destroyed...I cant comprehend.

I think I am in shock...ubergeekshock to be precise.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 12:16, Reply)

not me but
mr happylittletulip is a classic hoarder. he has a compulsion to acquire copies of things he already has (blue check shirts, guitars, diy tools etc etc).

This includes loose change in little receptacles. One day I decided to round them all up and count all the money, like the King in his Counting House in that rhyme.

How can anyone just have £360 lying about their house in loose change and not notice!!!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 12:12, Reply)

Star Wars stuff
I was a fairly spoilt child. Over several birthdays and christmasses I managed to get almost every single bit of Start Wars stuff going, including all the original figurines like Han Solo, Luke Sywalker (Tatooine and X-Wing pilot), Leia, Chewbacca, Darth, C3-PO R2-D2, Yoda, several Stormtroopers and Obi Wan as well as a Millenium Falcon, AT-AT, X-Wing Fighter, Stormtrooper transport etc etc.

After I grew out of playing with that stuff I was still rather chuffed at having this massive collection and when e-Bay first started and all these rumours flew around about how much original SW stuff was being sold for, I thought "Sweet - that's the retirement fund sorted then!".

But no, this wasn't enough for some people. My dad decided to let my nephews play with it. And they destroyed EVERY. FUCKING. ITEM. I. HAD. Now they're not evil kids by any means, they're reasonably nice now that they are teenagers, but I have lost a fortune due to my dad and my brother letting them have anything they want. Bitter? Hell yeah.

I now collect obscure rugby jerseys. I got China for Christmas, currently trying to get a Pakistan one from my mate who played for them.

I'm off to cry over my AT-AT for an hour.

I also collect length and girth jokes.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 11:39, Reply)

Weird things that clients have sent me
I sell advertising space in classical music magazines. Advertising clients often operate under the misapprehension that I have a great deal of influence over editorial content, and send me stuff for review. Most of this is crap and not at all suitable for our publications.

On my desk for several months sat a CD of the Bach Cello Suites. Very nice, you might think. But not if they're transcribed for descant recorder.

Every so often I would get up from my desk and wave this CD aloft.

Me: Who wants a copy of the Bach Cello Suites?
Colleagues: Ooooh, yes please!
Me: Arranged for recorder
Colleagues: Oh...um...no thanks.

I couldn't get rid of it, and couldn't bring myself just to chuck it in the bin. Eventually I wrapped it up and put it in my mum's Christmas stocking as a joke.

So far on my desk this year: an entire catalogue of children's books, only one page of which is music-related.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 11:30, Reply)

Books
I also collect books. I have many of them. I especially like the really long ones that are full of factual information. My favourite at the moment is "The Yellow Pages" - so many pieces of true information in there. I recommend it
(angelica666, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 11:19, Reply)

Loose change
As a lad I was saving up for a radio control car. You know the type you make yourself and cost an arm and a leg. My Dad intervened with the bribe of going 50/50 on an Amiga computer so I never got one.

Anyway, whilst saving up I discovered the change machine at the local swimming pool.

Every time we went there for school PE I'd change my newest savings into copper coins.

SO, after many many months I had a shoe box containing £120 in copper coins.

This had a double whammy effect;

It was too bulky/heavy for me to spend any of it so I avoided temptation. Plus it REALLY pissed off the man at the local post office when I decided to pay it all in to my savings account :-)


On a side note, during one extended pillaging of the change machine I exhausted it of coins and to my dismay it only dispensed 2 x 1p coins for my 10p instead of 2 x 1p + 4 x 2p.

I was gutted at the 8p I lost for every one of the 5 coins I put in before I noticed. I think that was when I decided to stop with the copper coins.

Length? It took him about an hour to count it all and I held all the pensioners in a queue!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 11:06, Reply)

Morbid
When I were a lad, my friends and I were into Action Force (GI Joe to our Yankee cousins).
We would collect anything we could get our mits on. Then, we'd take the screws out of their backs, perform a sort of plastic autopsy, then rebuild custom people, six million dollar man style, you pick a head, and arms and so on.
So we had hugs plastic bags full of tiny limbs to mess with. More disturbing though, was that for each, we'd build an acompanying corpse. What I mean is, an exact replica, liberally decorated with Humbrol model paint (red of course) which I stole from my brother's airfix models. This would give the appearance of your guy as a corpse. Occasionally for added effect we're remove a leg, just below the knee, or even an arm. It all added to the illusion of the battlefield. I actually found a small bag of parts about 2 years ago in my shed. Never did resurrect any of the old boys.....War is hell.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 10:52, Reply)

Kinder Surprise Toys
I've been collecting the plastic tat found within the most scared of all confectionary - the Kinder Surprise. Those eggs are such good value for money. You get the chocolate, you get a surprise AND you get a fantastic little toy to put together. I have hundreds. I'm convinced that in years to come they'll be worth a fortune. Well, people aren't gonna keep them are they so they'll become rare and thus valuable. Antiques Roadshow here I come :-)
(angelica666, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 10:49, Reply)

Beer Towels...
At School we used to collect beer towels to furnish our studies with... most people hae the standard ones, Guinness, John Smiths etc...

Justin however decided that he needed a Stones one, and decided to write to the stones Brewery...

"Dear Sir, I have recently started to build my own bar at home. I host many parties and have a good deal of friends who like to drink quality beer. Having surveyed my more frequent guests, It has been decided that I shall be stocking Stones Bitter as the beer of choice.

With this in mind, I wonder whether it would be possible for you to supply a couple of beer towels and some beer mats to add to the "stones experience" and atmosphere.

Best regards,

etc..."

It appears that he underestimated the generosity of the Brewery. 1 week later Justin got home to find a rather large box on his doorstep with the following note.

"Dear Justin, following your letter we take great pleasure in delivering a thousand been mates and 100 towels. You will also find 48 cans of assorted beers from our brewery for youtr sampling. It's a shame you were not in, we sould have very much liked to see your bar!

Best Regards,

You can imagine the shock on the 14 year old's face!

Stones Brewery."
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 18 Jan 2007, 10:10, Reply)

In a jam jar....
About 4-5 years back when I had been made redundant, and had nothing else to do all day except surf the internet and talk to people on IRC, one particular discussion started and from this I wondered how long it would take me to fill a jam jar with semen. So basically I collected my own jizz. At intervals I would show pictures of the varying stages of fullness of the jam jar to various people in the adult chat rooms.
( turb0t, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 8:40, Reply)

Collections are the difference being
buying what you need, and buying what you actually think you need, irrespective of practical usage. Therefore I have not enough shoes and far too many guitars.
(Dr Teeth Who asked you, you fuckin' hobbit?, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 2:43, Reply)