Carry On Nativity (B3ta - style)
Scene: North London, antiquated film studio. The director gathers his cast for an initial read-through of the latest, greatest, most amazing movie franchise in the history of the world ever, a phenomenon that has made us laugh, made us cry, made us wank like badgers, and filled us with hot, sweet, sticky joy on those cold, wet afternoons when we couldn't be fucked to do anything constructive: The Carry On Movies.

Pooflake: Oh bloody hell, people! I'm your director! Can you please stand proudly to attention and quiver in my mighty, throbbing presence!

The assembled cast and crew go erect instantly.

Bert: I'd just like to call you a cunting cunt, director.

Al & Kaol: Stop being such an annoying little shit, Bert!

Bert: Fuck you, you cunty fuck cocks!

Pooflake: Awww, can I have some quiet, please! Does everyone have a copy of the script?

Apeloverage (grumbling): There's not enough puns.

Undercovercarrot: I second that. This script is like a heavy lamp, its lightweight on the puns.

No3L: There's fuck all in there about hitch-hiking either.

CHCB: And there's a distinct lack of threesome action too. Hardly a fucking carry on at all if you ask me.

CHCB yawns, lifts her arms abover her head and her incredibly tight bra flies off and smacks Bert in the face. He picks it up and runs off with it.

Spikeypickle: Shit! Is that the time! I've gotta go and pray at the Church of Enzyme - I'll see you bastards in a couple of hours. Has anyone seen my robes with the big 'E' stenciled on the back in biro?

The Resident Loon: Err, Director Pooflake - where do you want me to put up this set? I can't stand here holding all this wood all day, you know?

Nitrous: Yeah, director - if you want me to play half the stable I need to know where it goes so I can get into character, my actings not wooden, you know.

BGB: Get off Pooflakes back! He's got a very hard job. Powervator! Don't even think about opening your mouth! And Cancer Joy, will you stop going on about Monkey Boy!

Pooflake: Thanks, BGB. I can handle this bunch of spasticated colons. Though I really could do with a nice long satisfying dump. Where's the assistant director? She's got the eloquence to sort you fucktards out.

Vampyrecat: Here I am Mr Lake! Why don't you go and drop the kids off at the pool? Right you horrible lot! Can I have your attention!

Bert: You're a cunt too!

Al & Kaol: Bert, stop being such a complete, utter, cunting, fucking, twating shitehawk.

Revenge of the Woodside Industries: I've got something important to add about this here Carry On production of the nativity. I have a story that will keep you glued to your seats - I just need to go and find my biology texts.

PJM: Fuck me! Are we ever going to get to the end of this fucking week, I mean film shoot? I mean, come on, the fucking nativity? Can't go with Carry On String? I blame the fucking Tories, and Gordon-cunting-Brown, and the roadworks on the M25.

Fuckpig: Or weird ideas, that would be better than this fucking useless boring shit.

piston broke(dubiously): This whole production sounds a bit Cheech and Chong to me.

snee: Will you people shut the fuck up! I'm a proper actor, you know. I've lived my role for the past six months. Its not easy being down on all fours all day in a field, eating grass, while a great big ram fucks you from behind. And wearing all that wool in the summer - I've suffered, you cunts!

MichaelS: Come on people, lets get on with this load of old monkey spunk. I'm the donkey you know... Fitting, really - I'm hung like one.

And so on.

Forever.

And ever.

And SpankyHanky was sitting at the back with his cock out dangling it in Porklips' ear.

And, alas, the film was never made. Lets all hope for a better Carry On topic for next weeks' production... Fire would be pretty good, or fashion, or even - dare I say - string.

Blame Pooflake for this.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 0:00, 21 replies)

holy fucking shit,i'm involved in this nativity play?
this is a proud moment for me.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Wed 1 Apr 2009, 0:28, closed)

I personally like the idea
of Carry On Bogroll. The possibilities are endless.
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 0:33, closed)

The fact
that there was never a Carry On Baggage always seemed like a waste of a pun to me.
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 2:33, closed)

Heheh
That's 'hitch-hiking', dear chap.

Although I walked seven miles on Monday... so technically that's right too :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 6:29, closed)

Sorted
as I've said before - I am a monumentally thick twat
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 8:03, closed)

But you more than make up for it
with your massive balls.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 8:38, closed)

Fuckpig
I had the same thoughts when I saw my own Name up there! I'm proud to be involved!
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 7:10, closed)

And where am I
In all of this?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 7:23, closed)

Edited
for extra piston brokeness
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 8:03, closed)

Arf!
Cheers.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 8:40, closed)

No room for bitches I see.
Cunt.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 8:45, closed)

I dare say...
...I'd be blaming The Tories or Gordon Brown or something for the shit state of the QOTW this week.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Apr 2009, 10:14, closed)

can I
play an angel who "loses" her top?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:53, closed)

Gotta have
some classic Carry On wankathon moments - your on!
( SpankyHanky, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:00, closed)

And the part of Babs Windsor
Is played by CHCB in a flimsy bikini.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:01, closed)

Muahahahhhhahahhhhhhhhhhhhh cough cough cough
*Does Sid James laugh*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:55, closed)

I see myself very much in the role of a Joan Sims type character.
.
( girlinthehole, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:02, closed)

What about me?
I wanna be a monkey sheep...but keep those goat molesters away.
( snee held his breath since, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:49, closed)

Hooray!
I got a mention!

*Does macarena*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 13:53, closed)

I didn't.
As always, I was left out.
Again.
I just want to be the donkey.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 17:45, closed)

I love the fact
that I got a punnage based line. Has my act become that hackneyed?

Yes, and I love it!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 7:54, closed)