The longest journey
I was travelling on a long journey by coach with a couple of others, and when we got aboard we discovered that there were just three spaces left. The other two grabbed the one remaining double seat, so I was left with pot luck. As I approached the last seat, I though to myself "Result!" -- the adjacent seat was occupied by a very pretty young girl. Hah, a captive audience for my charm and wit, I thought.

How wrong I was. After initial introductions had broken the ice, she started on a non-stop stream of consciousness verbal deluge, covering her life story, her likes and dislikes, whatever asinine new-age fad had caught her eye this weeek, and in particular, in great and intimate detail, the disasterous relationship she had just come out of. She seemed to have no sense of appropriateness, no concept of the two-way nature of conversation, and no boundaries. My expression must have become glazed, my eyes must have begun darting from side to side seeking escape, but nothing was going to stop her.

In the end I put on my headphones, lay back and closed my eyes. Not even that was a hint, she just carried on with the appalling drivel. She kept it up for hours.

All the time, my mates a few rows behind were pissing themselves laughing, of course.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:37, 3 replies)

Noel Edmonds' new show where he flies a load of unemployed people on holiday to Spain.
In NOEL'S WELFARE AIRBUS
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:35, 1 reply)

Noel Edmonds attacked by a vicious African rodent lycanthrope
NOEL SAFFER WEREMOUSE
( Kroney, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:35, Reply)

I made a noise a bit like the rhythm of "No self-awareness"
Clunk derkka clurn-home.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:34, Reply)

A few years ago I had the occassional go on the lottery.
Usually only playing when it was a rollover, assumingly because at the time I thought that the stake of a pound in relation to the odds would only be justified by a jackpot of at least five million pounds.

At this time I had bought a lucky dip which I then stashed in my desk draw with all of the other crap that I've managed to accumulate and then completely forgot about it. About 9 months later, the company directors had decided that we need to move to larger premises and in readiness, we needed to have a tidy up and sort out of our workspace.

I found three unchecked tickets. The lottery has a limit of 180 days from the draw to claim a prize and each of them was well outside of this limit, but curiousity had gotten the better of me and so I went onto the internet to check the results from each draw.

A sinking feeling hit me the moment I checked the numbers of the first ticket against the draw in question. It wasn't the jackpot, but I still had missed out on a fairly substantial amount of money.

It took a while to get over it and I've not played the lottery since, but I still can't help but look back at what happened and curse my own lack of wealth awareness.
( Muns, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:32, 2 replies)

Noel Edmonds taking some alka seltzer because his nuts have suddenly gone weird.
NOEL SELTZER WEIRD NUTS
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:32, Reply)

Noel Edmonds on his cellphone asking where his nets are.
NOEL CELLPHONE WHERE NETS?
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:30, Reply)

Noel Edmonds in a nest made of wire and sulphur.
NOEL SULPHUR WIRE NEST
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:28, Reply)

My shed's got no flat horizontal surface which I can use for display and storage
:(
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:26, 2 replies)

Something about Santa's helpers spending 11 months a year working as executioners.
Something else about them all having unpronouncable Lappish names, so the prison guards used to just refer to them by letters.
Something else about a conversation between one of them and the HR manager who told him he was to be relocated.

HR Manager: You're being sent up to our head office in Scotland. It's just on the shore of that loch that the legendary monster lives in.
Noose Elf A: Where? Ness?
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:23, Reply)

I've just bought some ladies underwear so that I can put it on and lie on the couch watching TV.
Check out my new sofa-wear knicks.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:21, Reply)

I wanted to find a remote-controlled deer-like games console installed in a spy 'plane.
Sadly I could only find my moose/elk AWACS SNES.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Inane drivel.
I have a colleague who has realised that the other people in the office are effectively a captive audience. As a direct result, for the past few years she has spent at least an hour each morning telling us about her plans for the evening, the dates she's been on, who she thinks should win endemols latest 'reality' series, the latest gossip from heat, OK and various other celebrity gossip rags, what clothing she intends to buy, footballer she would like to shag and who she aspires to be like.

For almost three years now, she has been blissfully unaware that not one person that she has inflicted this outpouring of verbal diahorrea upon has has shown any inclination towards giving a fuck about any of it what-so-ever.
( Muns, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 10:56, 5 replies)

In the early part of The Fellowship of the Ring, Gimli says that Legolas smells, blah blah, nose elf awareness.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 10:50, 1 reply)

Last!

(username failed moderation, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 10:44, Reply)

I for one feel that Scarpe showed a considerable lack of self awareness when he posted about trying to stick his cock up his own arse.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 10:31, Reply)

I'M NOT AWARE OF SOMEONE WHOSE NAME IS 'SELF' OR A WORD THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT!!!!!
Plus, Star Wars!!!!! It was then that I realised I had Gneau Stealth A-where Neauxxsss!!!!!! GET IT?????
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 10:24, 5 replies)

Shorty's cock
I have a mate called Shorty who pisses like a horse at urinals and splashes everyone within a 5 meter radius.

True story.

He's called Shorty because he's really tall. His cock is normal sized...i think.
(smiffyws, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 10:05, Reply)

At a full moon, I can't turn into any other animal.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 9:44, 5 replies)

Until very recently...
...I was utterly oblivious of the author who wrote books such 'Cock and Bull', 'Great Apes', 'How the Dead Live' and 'The Book Of Dave'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 9:42, 1 reply)

www.b3ta.com/talk/4974536
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 9:38, Reply)

I've got a monster who helps me develop goods to make my nasal protrusion look more pointy.
It's my Nose Elfer Ware Ness.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 9:36, Reply)

I don't get it.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 9:15, 6 replies)

Yesterday,
I hit my head on the wooden thing sticking out from the wall where I keep books.

:(
(username failed moderation, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 9:10, 1 reply)

I have no idea who the protagonist of the Martin Amis novel 'Money' is.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 8:41, 6 replies)

PEA TIME - COMPLETELY UNAWARE HE WAS A DICKHEAD

Several years ago I took a few days break to visit Byron Bay on the North Coast of New South Wales. As the sun was setting I was sitting down near the beach when some young, what would described in Britain as Chavs but what we would refer to in Oz as scum bags where playing a game of car jumping in the beach front car park.

For the uninformed this involves someone driving the car at a reasonable pace, around 20 or 30 km/h, in a straight line while someone runs at the car head on, jumps on to the bonnet, then the roof, then the boot and off the back.

I will admit that some of these guys weren't too bad at the pointless game.

There was one young bloke, the loudest, wankiest, pants around his knees, wearing jeans on a 35 degree day, pathetic haircut, young fuck knuckle of the group and he was up for his turn.

Although I can't actually remember it lets say for the sake of the story it was a poo brown Honda Accord, and quite possibly driven by Mr. T and as had happened a dozen or so times before, the aforementioned greatest disappointment possible from an orgasm, started his run towards the car, and as he took his first leap on to the bonnet got tangled in his own pants causing him to stuff up the take off and have his legs swept from under him and subsequently upended by the Honda, bounced off the roof head first and landed in a crumpled heap behind the car.

A complete totach!

Oh, how I laughed. As I trotted over to take a closer look at the fallen dick head, who was bleeding from his face, but, not in the copious amounts one would expect, that I saw his leg. Most legs run up and down from the hip to foot but, this leg now had a 90 degree bend at the knee, sideways. I almost wet my pants from laughter.

I think one of his vacant compatriots summed the situation up best when he said as his mate lay there possibly about to die,

"fuck man, I wish I had videoed that"
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 30 Nov 2012, 0:21, 13 replies)

It's catching. Like the supposed Mass Hysteria. There is the Spontaneous Family/Friends/Social Gabbing group.
There's probably an analogy in biology for how this happens-and why... (maybe something along the lines of kidney stones forming or thrombosis that ends up causing heart attacks).

Two people bump into each other in town, or in a supermarket. Maybe it's two people, maybe it's four or five. Sod's luck, it might even be eight of 'em. A couple of buggies as well, perhaps some outlying shopping trollies full of 'borrowed' supermarket items. Often as not, even a dog on a string and Granny in a Bath Chair. To top it off, an additional cycle of restless toddlers orbitting the group like snot-ridden hyperactive bees.

Then the core members of the obstruction recognise each other and slam on the anchors.

Stop dead.

Exactly where they were, while other ambling folks behind stack up to avoid walking into them. Everyone is quietly cursing and observing as they exchange shrieky greetings.

Pretty soon, a whole smoothly running walkway/supermarket aisle and/or transit system is backed up and gridlocked because those few people are too engrossed with coffee morning chat of inconsequential importance to give a shit about the rest of the world as it tries to go about its business unimpeded.

Shopping trollies clash, people loudly tut and STILL these gits are forming a human obstruction, an unconscious inconvenience, as regular shopping folks who know WHERE they want to go and exactly HOW they're going to get there, are jammed in because oblivious tarts and dull-witted dickheads are carrying out their social small-talk in public instead of where it should be, in the pub or social club or (for the good of all mankind) on Skype.

The irony of this is that - as I've often seen - if anyone has the temerity to speak up and say 'YOU'RE BLOCKING THE WAY' the riposte is almost always 'WELL YOU'RE IGNORANT'. Ignorant being the new way that dull uneducated folks like to insult people by implying they are dull and uneducated.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 29 Nov 2012, 23:38, 2 replies)

Why oh why oh why oh WHY
Do people not start walking again when they get to the top of escalators?

WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN?

This is also applicable to people in the street and at the supermarket that stop walking for no known reason without checking to see if I'm walking behind them. When I undertake my revolution, this sort of behaviour shall be punishable by death.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Thu 29 Nov 2012, 21:45, 5 replies)

"Fans" of the top "footy" teams
I've got a mate who is a Liverpool fan. He grew up in Surrey with absolutely no Scouse heritage and he's never been to Anfield, nor does he go to their away games in the South. Honestly? You didn't even think about going ONCE?

It would be more understandable if he was one of those men who isn't really into football, but affects an interest to appear more blokey. He's not like that. He plays every Sunday morning, spends the whole of Saturday from 3pm onwards trying to avoid hearing the football scores so he can enjoy Match of the Day more, respects the fact that I support our local, crap, team**, his affection for the game is absolutely genuine. Just makes it more puzzling when he refers to Liverpool as 'us' or talks about 'our' big rivalry with Man Utd.

** whereas the pretend "footy" fans react with incomprehension, because they don't even realise there's a (rubbish) professional team just up the road. It's a good way of spotting them.
(slowly play it cool, Trig, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 21:27, 11 replies)