Unlucky
A lot of you thought I should have been arrested for this b3ta.com/questions/bodger/post1122441

Some of you tried to get me arrested for this b3ta.com/questions/anon/post614634

And I was actually arrested for this b3ta.com/questions/massivedrugs/post871413

But it’s another incident that springs to mind, one which luckily avoided the long arm of the law and probably spared me an early criminal record.

As a fourteen year old in the early nineties I had expensive habits – computer games, bike accessories, new trainers, the latest albums and hair gel – but apart from a fiver a week pocket money and a couple of quid for cleaning the car on a Sunday, I had no disposable income.

Being a fairly dishonest chap, the scams came thick and fast. An early money-spinner was the ‘endless return’. I’d take the train to the huge Tower Records in Piccadilly, subtlety browse the CD and video racks, select a title, pop it in a previously procured Tower Records bag and head to the checkout. There I’d tell my story about receiving this album / film for my birthday from my aunt – but also having received the very same one from my Mum. I’d present the sealed, stamped product from the bag, stating that I, ‘didn’t even open it’ – and ask for a refund. The bored teenager behind the counter would never even look up whilst he processed my cash.

This worked for a while, until I was spotted. I’ve never run so fast.

I was back to square one. But I needed things. There were girls to impress and I’d run out of gel. A new money-spinner was required. As luck would have it our school was building a new sports hall, it was a big event, there were fund-raisers, dinners, dances and local businesses were being pushed to sponsor the place. We’d all been asked to hassle parents, family and friends to contribute to the sports hall fund. So I decided to help as much as I could.

Some preparations were needed. Off to WHSmith to buy a book of raffle tickets (the type with two sets of corresponding numbers), then off to my parent’s drinks cabinet and my father’s cellar to procure some fine, unopened bottles of Scotch and a few sumptuous reds from his collection. A little capital was invested in a lovely boxed radio cassette player and then it was off to Thomas Cook for some glossy Caribbean holiday brochures.

When the above was all complete, I took my mother’s finest tray and made a sturdy loop with a belt, carefully arranged all the items on the tray and attached random raffle tickets to them. I then grabbed my little brother, got us both into our school uniforms, put the tray round my neck and hit the streets of our well-to-do, commuter-belt town.

The plan was simple - £1 for one ticket, £5 for ten. I’d diligently removed the ‘winning’ tickets from the raffle book and placed the remaining in a huge cloth bag. The pitch was even simpler – ‘Hi we’re from ******* School and we’re raising money for the new sports hall. You could win anything on this tray, from a bottle of wine to a holiday for two!’ They lapped it up.

The first house bought £10 worth. We allowed them to fumble in the bag and pull out twenty tickets – but unluckily for them, none of them was a winning number. By the end of the first day we had over £200 – more money than we’d seen in our lives. By the end of the 5th day we were sitting in a stranger’s living room whilst the owner of the house was on the phone to the filth.

Like the goons in Goodfellas I’d been stupid. I’d the splashed the cash. Fellow students wondered about my new shoes and endless supply of SNES games. Word had gone round the school. I was flashing bundles of £20 notes during break time. It was fate that fucked us over eventually, the last house we visited was of someone in my year – and the cunt told his daddy that we were being less than economical with the truth.

Cue stifling meeting with parents, headman and local police sergeant. My bro got away with it (I only paid him £2 a day in any case) and I was hung out to dry - but not arrested. Grounded, suspended, vilified but not arrested, for a scam that netted me a shade over £1k in under a week.

And the worst thing? They made me give every penny back and donate it to the cunting sports hall fund. A building that I never had cause to set foot in during the remainder of my school days.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 15:30, 23 replies)

Not sure why
But you remind me of John Bishop.
It's not a scouse thing either.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 15:43, closed)

Just wondering
Have you ever told a story that doesn't portray you as a completely irredeemable cunt? It's great that you've found your niche, but it would be a shame for you to get typecast.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 15:53, closed)

It's actually an elaborate and innovative trolling act where HE'S the one who looks a prick.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 19:09, closed)

Damn!
You got me.

Now get back to your oh so cutting 'so your story is...' comments - cos that ain't trolling, is it?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 20:50, closed)

62,371 total posts...
And I'm the troll!

G'night all.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 21:06, closed)

Using a message board
to post messages?

OUTRAGEOUS! Why hasn't he been banned, yet?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 21:36, closed)

[x] smugly quotes statistics from a profile to prove a non-existent point

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 22:39, closed)

He's so breathtakingly postmodern.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 21:05, closed)

I do like the phrase
'a completely irredeemable cunt'.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 18:08, closed)

I like this.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 16:06, closed)

I also like this

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 16:20, closed)

^^ What Dervel, Mo, Larry and Curly said. ^^

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 16:35, closed)

^^ What they said

(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 6:31, closed)

I'm not usually one to join a lynch mob but...
you are either an inveterate troll, have a badly damaged moral compass or very low sense of worth (or option D 'All of the above' of course).

*pulls parentally 'We're very disappointed in you, but above all else you've let yourself down' face*
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 26 Jan 2012, 18:08, closed)

You would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those pesky kids.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 18:58, closed)

You can't be arrested for telling dull lies on the internet.
More's the pity.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 19:50, closed)

Oh, Albert!
I'd love to get worked up about this, but not only did you not get away with it, I don't believe a word of it.
And yet, here I am, feeding the troll. Oh, the shame!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 20:20, closed)

We're fools unto ourselves, double m.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 21:36, closed)

It's all part of life's rich pageant,
I suppose.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 21:37, closed)

But why
do you care if I didn't get away with it, if you don't believe a word of it?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 18:22, closed)

Troll
This is a Walter Mitty troll. Ignore it and it will go away
(Daoloth, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 22:15, closed)

Pfft
Maybe next week you can tell the story where you con an octogenarian widow out of her pension.

You pathetic little shit.
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 22:41, closed)

Not sure what all the anger is about
I mean, you got caught. If you'd got away with it, then fair enough. But you actually earnt over a grand for the sports hall in the end (even if you didn't want to!)

Have a click from me, you completely irredeemable cunt.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Tue 31 Jan 2012, 12:59, closed)