Are you fucked? No, but my headache's gone...
Back in the day, when every weekend was a pillfest of clubbing, after-parties and slow, sensual come downs, a housemate and I used to make a very pretty penny, in a very grey area of the law.

We were drug dealers, to an extent. Him, a fine arts student. Me, a business school dropout. And together, we made over £50,000 in less than a year.

The two of us had something in common, we were always asked at clubs, parties and festivals, if we, 'knew anywhere we could score some pills'. I don't know why we were always pegged for dealers. But after one long night of constant questioning, we formulated a plan to cash in on our presumed identities.

Mr Fine Arts student designed an intricate, copper wire 'seal' in the shape of an apple, complete with tiny stalk and leaf. I then procured 1,000’s of paracetamol tablets, going from pharmacy to pharmacy, from to supermarket to supermarket, buying the maximum I could from each proprietor.

We then spent hours with a cut-throat razor, scraping the pills clean of any design or manufacturer's imprint. The 'cleaned' pills were then lined up and the re-branding would begin. Using a pair of thick tongs, the arty one would heat up the copper apple by holding it over a boiling kettle for a minute or two. He would then bring the hot wire down slowly onto the pills, and embed a perfect apple design in the centre.

We called them 'White Apples'. They looked the absolute business.

They sold for £15 a pop. We'd hit the clubs (things were easier back then, there were four clubs in town that held over 500 people) and push out 30-40 in the early part of the night, then leave comfortably before anyone realised our duplicity.

We dressed differently each week. And we were making money. The best were festivals. At Glastonbury we shifted over 500 White Apples. Reading and Leeds the same year, equally as many.

And then we got caught. Well arty-farty mate did. He was pulled with nearly 600 of our beauts on the way to Sheffield. He was arrested and bailed pending investigations. He maintained (as we’d practiced a thousand times), that the pills were paracetamol, that he was only selling them to ensure, 'kids didn't harm themselves on real drugs'. Analysis proved him correct. Paracetamol is not a controlled drug. The CPS did not like the look of this case one bit, and they left it well alone. No charges were brought.

So...if you were one of those poor little ravers, who'd saved up all week for your big Gatecrasher night out, and spent your group’s collective £150 on ten White Apples, I am well and truly sorry.

Am I fuck.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:06, 59 replies)

You
complete cock.
(ham.sandwich, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:11, closed)

seconded
cock
( rofl harris, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:22, closed)

Also
I reckon you must owe me about £50
( rofl harris, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:25, closed)

Not thirded.
Caveat emptor.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:36, closed)

I knew you were Alberts gay friend
You'll have to work hard knighting him on this post
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:38, closed)

I dub thee Sir Albert Marshmallow.
(sword tap)

There. Easy as.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:44, closed)

S'OK
I always used snide tenners to score anyway.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:25, closed)

I was wondering why nobody has recognised me today,
what with me having changed my clothes from yesterday.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:25, closed)

I reckon Bin Laden dresses differently each week

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:33, closed)

That slva nonce should e-mail the C.I.A. this week
with this amazing new evidence
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:39, closed)

Ha ha!

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:32, closed)

You
sanctimonious twat
(aztech, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:32, closed)

I'm not sure you know what sanctimonious means
never mind, carry on.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:35, closed)

Come now, he's managed to work out it's an insult.
Halfway there!
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:37, closed)

The Dictionary is your friend
"only selling them to ensure, 'kids didn't harm themselves on real drugs'"

sanc·ti·mo·ni·ous
–adjective
making a hypocritical show of religious devotion (not applicable), piety (not applicable), righteousness (bingo!)

right·eous
–adjective
acting in an upright, moral way; virtuous

You were saying?
(aztech, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 18:44, closed)

Read the post
it was his friend who used that excuse, which could loosely be described as sanctimonious I suppose. There might have been a touch of irony in there, mind.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 18:53, closed)

you are Samuel L Jackson
From 51st State AICMFP
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 13:08, closed)

I forgot
this one's either a massive nonce or a massive liar. Possibly both.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 13:15, closed)

Definite nonce
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 22:14, closed)

There is no grey area in the law.
If you are caught selling any substance and representing it as an illegal drug, the penalty is the same. Worse, if someone had died as an alergic reaction to unknowingly taking paracetamol, you'd have been on a manslaughter rap.

Dick.
(marcooosa has no idea what a board sig is, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 13:13, closed)

Excellent!
Thanks to Dick, we now have an opportunity to observe the correct usage of the word 'sanctimonious'.

You sanctimonious twat.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 13:44, closed)

This doesn't really answer the point though, does it?
How come your mate made bail on 600 tablets (in my experience, he'd have been banged up on remand straight away)? How did he escape prosecution, if, as marcoosa points out, the penalty for selling a substance and representing it as an illegal drug is the same as the penalty for knocking out proper pills? Finally, why do you feel it necessary to lie repeatedly on the internet?
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 13:55, closed)

Interesting...
The last question you ask, negates all your other queries.

If you feel that everything as described is completely untrue, then why do you demand so many answers? What is the point of aksing repeated, detailed questions regarding something that you believe is a fabrication?

Are you that bored or that stupid? I supsect the latter.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:06, closed)

It's a rhetorical device
the most famous example being used by Cicero (In Verrem). Still, nice superfluous comma in your first sentence, I'll let you off.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:13, closed)

This poster gets additional pwnage points for utilising Cicero

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:24, closed)

I've been busy comparing Cicero's inquisitorial technique with that of Columbo off the telly
I should really go back to work.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:28, closed)

Utilising Cicero is never worthy of points.
He's an unholy cunt.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:36, closed)

Well Verres may very well agree with you
However his lolatics had style
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:42, closed)

Classics-based slayings: best of all the slayings. Fabulous work.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 15:34, closed)

usually most drugs charges result in bail
unless there is a real risk of absconding or violence associated with it.

I've known people caught with much more than 600 pills, and with more serious drugs that get bail. Most were jailed at trial, however.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:39, closed)

You must be in a drugs gang
Do I have to pay you money not to break my legs?
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:47, closed)

Feel free to if you like
but it really isn't necessary.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 21 Sep 2010, 10:23, closed)

Hmmm
Maybe the people I know had previous. Or maybe a shit brief. Or maybe they just looked like wronguns. Probably a combination of all three.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:51, closed)

Do you have a statutory reference for that,
because it sounds very much like bullshit.

And while you would be correct that he would be looking at a charge for gross negligence manslaughter, the sheer stupidity of someone with an allergy to paracetomol taking unknown pills in the knowledge that they don't come from a licensed manufacturer and are subject to no form of quality control whatsoever would make them a good candidate for a Darwin award if they carked it.
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 21:38, closed)

dickhead

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 13:42, closed)

Blummin hell.
Good work. This is why I only ever got mine of a trusted dealer - I never understood the "hit and hope" attitude of just turning up to the club.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 13:48, closed)

Posting that you used to rip people off
is never going to go down well, especially after your last post ;)Looks like AB has another entry..
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:23, closed)

I'm ambivalent about this.
Still, better that that dodgy beans with Ajax and skag in them, I guess...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:23, closed)

Ajax, possibly
never quite worked out why anyone would bother substituting MDMA for heroin, seeing as the former's fuckloads cheaper than the latter.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:35, closed)

Long term strategy, innit?
"You got any more of that gear you had last week? It was well lush."

A week later - "Got any more?"

"Got any more?"

Bingo - captured market.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 15:23, closed)

The only downside being
that going out clubbing would begin to resemble a scene from Dawn Of The Dead. Come to think of it, that's exactly what Club Labyrinth looked like in 1993 anyway...
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 15:55, closed)

it's not nice to rip people off
however, it may well have stopped people doing themselves harm, so swings and roundabouts I guess...
(jennymnemonic, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:28, closed)

^this

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:31, closed)

it's their choice if they "harm" themselves
the above is just a bit cunty.

although as Miraclefish says, better paracetemol than something much worse.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:31, closed)

agreed
All well and good people complaining that they got ripped off, but rather than having something given to them that's 90% brickdust they got a cure for a headache instead.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 15:53, closed)

And I got £15 a pop
Win-win all round.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 15:54, closed)

"He's a knoooockoff Nigel, he's a knockoff Nigel..."
As soon as I heard that tune from the advert I downloaded the video clip, ripped the audio and made it into a ringtone.

Then sold it on a site for a fiver a pop.

Actually I should've done that....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 16:01, closed)

Was that at the same time as you were earning £££££s selling fake hotmail hack PDFs
or were you too busy wanking over hacked hotmail accounts?
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 16:43, closed)

No, that was much later...
The pills were circa 1994/5 and the emails a good few years after that.

If another QOTW permits, I will tell you about my third and to date, most successful scam.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 16:47, closed)

If it's the one about you fucking kids and taking their pocket money, it's unlikely that there will ever be 'Paedo Scammer' week
Unless you request it of course. No post deletion this time though, you fucking nonce.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 21:55, closed)

How sweet...
You've even gone to the trouble of putting an Albert Marshmallow pic on your profile.

Awwww!

x
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 22:14, closed)

It displays the name of whoever clicks his profile
you thick cunt.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 23:40, closed)

Oh I see...
That's very clever, well done!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 9:34, closed)

Thanks
That had me *very* worried for a moment.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 13:07, closed)

I'm just hoping that gif in your profile
isn't aimed at me...?
(Kip, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 15:12, closed)

You're a cunt
But you already know that.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Mon 20 Sep 2010, 16:20, closed)

You're a cunt but...
...I doff my cap to you. As has already been said, caveat emptor.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 19:34, closed)

While scamming so many people does render you an utter cunt...
I fail to feel any sorrow for your victims, who were after all out for some massive, and indeed illegal drugs to start with. I feel as little pain for their losses as I do for people suffering hangovers - they brought it on themselves, so they deserve no pity whatsoever.

Hell, the placebo affect probably got most of them wasted anyway...
(442, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 9:07, closed)

Man with a plan
I'm gonna do this for glasto next year. Thanks.

Maybe I can do it with Kermit on them and call them Muppets
(Queen of the Harpies, a dedicated Marshmallow puppet, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 13:50, closed)