Not having sexOur pal Freddie Woo says: Climbing into the back seat of the car, she sat on a fortnight-old bag of food shopping I had completely forgotten about. The stench of a bag of bean sprouts popping open is a real passion-killer, I can tell you for nothing. Tell us about the shag you didn't have because you blew it.
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Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 22 May 2014, 14:01)
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European Teen Bukkake Queen (Vol. 18)Hello sweeties!
It’s me again, your lovely newly-regenerated super SEXXXXEEEE Doctor Skagra!
When I first saw the title of this week’s Question of the Week I did chortle in anticipation of all the heeeeee-larious stories that it would provoke. And then I did pause, and sigh woefully, as I realised that I would not have a story to post. Because, my fine fondant ferrous fans, I have ALWAYS got who or what I wanted and have NEVER ‘blown it’ – at least, not in *that* way. Oooh – errr!
But then I sighed again, more deeply this time, my small (but pert) breasts heaving. [Because, as you know from last week, my current incarnation – my ninth – is female!!! Wunderbar – and, indeed, Wunderbra!!! Full story is here
www.b3ta.com/questions/neardeathexperiences2/post2287114
in case you didn’t read it (as if!)]
I sighed again because I remembered that – lucky you! – I DO have a story to tell this week. I did once fail to have sex, I did once ‘blow it.’ And not in that way etc.
It was when I was in one of my male incarnations. I’d just come out of a disastrous relationship with – funnily enough – River Song, and I was still in love with her. What a fool I was! It was OK at first, and the sex was fantastic, but after a month or so I began to realise that she was obsessed with that other Doctor – you know, *him*. She talked about him constantly and when she came she would scream ‘Doctor, oh, DOCTOR!’ This pleased me at first because I thought she meant me – Doctor Skagra – but one fateful night as we basked in the warm afterglow of our love she confessed with an evil gleam in her eyes that she meant HIM. I broke off the relationship shortly after that because, though I still loved her, I hated the Doctor and couldn’t stand the thought of stirring his porridge, and it galls me to this day that I am ‘custard cousins’ with him.
Oh and whilst I am on the subject, River Song nicked ‘sweetie’ from me, sweeties. Or rather, she will do, as she told me that she met me in my future and her past, when I was / will be in my current incarnation. Apparently I am to have a drunken lesbian one-night stand with her quite soon, and I can’t avoid it as it would mess up the Web of Time. I can hardly wait.
Anyway, after I chucked River Song I entered a period of depression and started drinking heavily. One particularly bad night I found myself in a seedy bar in Cologne, drowning my sorrows in expensive German Pilsner lager. I wasn’t interested in any of the women in the bar, not even for casual one-night rebound sex, as my hearts still belonged to River. However I could not fail to notice this slim young dark-haired woman giving me the eye and smiling across from where she was propping up the bar with a load of other women. I tried to avoid eye contact and give off ‘leave me alone’ vibes but I must have accidentally given off the wrong signals as she eventually strutted over and plonked herself down at my table opposite me.
She smiled at me and said, ‘Hi, my name’s Elena, I’m from Electric Climax Productions and I am scouting for participants in our new movie, it’s called “European Teen Bukkake Queen (Volume 18)” – are you familiar with the series?
‘No,’ I replied, ‘but the title doesn’t leave much to the imagination.’
She laughed. ‘Yah, you’re right. It’s basically a massive fuck-fest at the end of which one lucky girl is crowned European Teen Bukkake Queen.’
I sipped my lager, wanting this woman to go away, but at the same time a little bit curious. ‘What would the “participants” be required to do?’
‘Okay, there’s eight girls and about twenty guys? The girls are all hot and all aged 18 or 19. You’ll get to fuck each of the girls and then cum all over her face with all the other guys. Are you a heavy cummer? Can you cum like ten times in one day?’
I replied to the affirmative – we Time Lords, with our superior biology, have immense sexual prowess and cum like racehorses.
‘Okay, yah, well, if you’re in, there will be a strict 30-day non-ejaculation clause in your contract. You have to promise not to cum for at least thirty days prior to the shoot. And there’s a special diet you’ll have to follow to maximise your payload of semen. So – are you interested?’
I looked at her eager face, imagined it covered in semen, and then thought of the lovely River Song’s face. ‘Er, no thanks… thanks for asking.’
Elena looked disappointed, but then nodded and smiled, and went away.
Later, of course, I kicked myself for turning down this opportunity.
So, there you go, I completely blew it – I could have drowned in poon, teen poon at that, and then drowned that poon with my Time Lord jizz. But I didn’t.
Never mind! It was ages ago and I am over her now. And at least it gave you all a lovely story to read, eh, fans?
Laters, sweeties!
XXX
(, Mon 26 May 2014, 18:18, 20 replies)
dr who slasher fanfic is shitwithout the daleks bleating "ejaculate, ejaculate"
(, Mon 26 May 2014, 19:48, closed)
you naughty thingi have stories of Dalek sex and i will one day share them with you all
XXX
(, Mon 26 May 2014, 20:29, closed)
nosweetie, all me!
XXX
(, Mon 26 May 2014, 23:01, closed)
i hope you die in a fire.(
janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 26 May 2014, 22:16,
closed)
silly!I'll regenerate!
Do keep up sweetie
XXX
(, Mon 26 May 2014, 23:00, closed)
i can't even articulate how much you irritate me,(
janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 27 May 2014, 11:46,
closed)
i bet you couldif you reeeeeeely tried.
Or uou could be nice! It won't hurt!
sweeeeetie!
xxx
(, Tue 27 May 2014, 12:02, closed)
fuck you and fuck everything important to you.i hope you drown in a flash flood.
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janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 27 May 2014, 12:08,
closed)
make up your mind sweetiefire, or flood? Or does it not matter, as long as I die horridly? (Which I won't as I am a Time Lord and will regenerate).
You naughty thing!
You still get kisses though
XXX
(, Tue 27 May 2014, 12:14, closed)
Regenerate? Really?That is so late '70s. Find a new way to be invincible. Kevlar works well.
(, Wed 28 May 2014, 10:58, closed)
yes really sweetieit's beyond your comprehension
Never mind eh? Have a biccie!
xxx
(, Wed 28 May 2014, 12:03, closed)
Not surprisingIt must be hard to be articulate with your level of mental illness Janet.
(, Tue 27 May 2014, 16:05, closed)
Click for "stirring his porridge", which is just about the only turn of phrase that could make it sound worse than it probably is.
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Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 26 May 2014, 23:16,
closed)
Ooh thankssweetie
XXX
(, Mon 26 May 2014, 23:32, closed)
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