blimey
is bad english all it takes to get a date with you, monty??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:34, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If bad english is all that's needed to get a date*
it would explain why I am single and moping and the chav harridan who lives across the street may as well have a revolving door installed.

*not necessarily with Monty, mind, I'm aware he has taste
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:36, Reply)

there are dates and dates, though, mein lieb
i'd rather have one awesome date a year than any number of dates with stilted conversation/wedding rings/crap sex boys.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:38, Reply)

I'd like to have ONE date
'any number' is almost certainly out of the question and awesomeness would be an unexpected bonus.
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:40, Reply)

You two make me sad.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:41, Reply)

Don't talk to her breasts Jeff - they don't like it when you do that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:42, Reply)

I find it quite amusing actually
mainly because I can picture the look of disappointment they'd have when I took my bra off.
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:43, Reply)

Do your breasts make facial expressions?
Or have I missed the point again?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:44, Reply)

Guess, Jeff
I was referrng to the facial expression of the hypothetical man who'd been staring at them.
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:45, Reply)

Surely I speak for most blokes when I say that all tits are good tits?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:51, Reply)

Well, I suppose mediocre boobs are better than no boobs at all
from a male perpective, but even so - emphasis here on mediocre. I have a lot of good bras.
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:52, Reply)

You wouldn't say that if Nell Mangel whapped 'em out in front of you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:54, Reply)

I don't think I've ever been disapointed by looking at breasts.
I just can't see that happening, unless it turns out they're actually ferrets or something, but I think I would notice that before bra removal.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:04, Reply)

hahaha
Breasts have feelings too.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:44, Reply)

Boy do they.
Men need to learn not to manhandle them.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:45, Reply)

I like nothing more that to rub my 'man-handle' all over them.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:45, Reply)

I'm non-plussed about that
It all seems a bit pointless.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:47, Reply)

You didn't say that at the time.
*hurt face*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Ah well.
I've said it many times before though.

many several
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:50, Reply)

OH MY GOD
If you weren't a member of the Trident of Awesomeness I'd be whipping out the Pandatron round about now.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:48, Reply)

tripod, more like
you, monty and labs will have to confirm your attendance for the summer bash to make sure the ladies are all there!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Triumvirate is an even better word

(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:51, Reply)

Triyumvirate more like.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:52, Reply)

*snigger*
yes, very good.
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Which what hmm eh there's a summer bash?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:02, Reply)

You're not invited.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Only because you're damned sure I'll outshine you.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:09, Reply)

Shine away, Noelly , shine away.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:13, Reply)

Have you not noticed the jokes Monty makes about fucking me?
He's almost constantly talking about doing me up the arse. It's not PANDERING!
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:51, Reply)

some maths spod will be along in a minute to point out that "one" is "any number"
but yeah... it's been a LONG time since i had a date that i would count as "awesome". and even then he turned out to be engaged. things i have finally learned in 2010 about dating and intend to implement in 2011:

i - too much build-up is a Bad Thing, because inevitably neither of you can live up to it and you will end up fighting a crashing sense of disappointment whilst trying to look keener than you are. ditto spending too much time together on a first date. short and sweet is the way forward.

ii - life is too short for shit sex. everyone is allowed to fumble a bit the first time. but if he is still shit the second/third/fourth shag, it ain't getting any better.

iii - if he is sexy and sane and local, he will also be married.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:46, Reply)

What have I learned?
1. They all lie.
2. If they say they're interested, their attention will snap off within 2 weeks, and if not, they're a creep and run away fast.
3. Don't give up the goods.
4. Don't drink too much. You'll end up doing a lot of things you regret.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:49, Reply)

attention "man-handle"
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Why do they do this to me, Monty?
Why?!
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:54, Reply)

They are faulty.
Make sure you keep the receipt.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:56, Reply)

I must get all the dud ones.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:58, Reply)

no
i think i have cornered that market
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:00, Reply)

Men seem to have 3 reactions to me
"Oh, you're too good a friend, I couldn't possibly" (read: You're fat and ugly and just, NO.); "Oh, I like you...lol jk, bai" (read: I pretended you weren't fat and ugly, I failed, just NO); or "OMG UR AMAZING...Let me talk to you every minute of the day". Luckily the last one is exceedingly rare.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:02, Reply)

i don't think you are fat or ugly
but one thing is for sure, if a guy is telling you he doesn't want to ruin the friendship, it's bullshit, he just doesn't fancy you for some reason. there's not a man on the planet who'd let friendship get in the way of a fuck with a girl he really fancies!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:07, Reply)

This is complete bollocks, by the way.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Monty is, as ever, right.
There are occasions when fucking a friend is a bad thing, and we don't always think with our cocks.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:14, Reply)

I've been told that's the case, on several occasions.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Christ, tell me some lies, swipe
it really doesn't get any better, does it? I may as well give up now.
/glum
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:49, Reply)

no......
...... but your expectations get much much lower, which kind of balances it out.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:57, Reply)

If my expectations get any lower
I will end up buying cans of special brew for the homeless instead of drinks for hot men in nice bars.

EDIT - not that I ever go to nice bars or indeed meet hot men. Tramp lovin' it is, then...
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:02, Reply)

hahahahahhaa this has made me laugh a LOT
lucky the trainee is off today.

frankly i wish i had bought special brew for the homeless rather than spunked money on the last couple of "dates" i went on!!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Yeah, but it's kind of a shit situation
whereby if you give a hobo a four pack of Tennant's Superlager, that they're going to have a better evening than you.

When's this girly bash, swipe? I do hope you're not going to let your new year's resolutions get in the way of it.
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:09, Reply)

good idea
given that the girls are pretty well spread out (oo-er), i was almost wondering about doing it at my dad's when he is away........ cheshire might be easier than london???
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:12, Reply)

They're about equidistant for me
I was quite up for a night out in London though. Canvas the others and see what they think?
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)

In response.
1 - If you're enjoying yourself, why cut it short?

2 - Quite agree

3 - Should have bagged yourself someone sooner!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:50, Reply)

because
1 - the suspense and sexual tension should be built up through teasing anticipation

3 - pfffffft, he'd only have cheated on me and left me for a 23 year old blonde secretary by now anyway.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Teasing anticipation is good.
Who doesn't enjoy the thrill of the chase?

But it does get to the point whereby someone needs to make a move/decision to find out if you're going anywhere or not.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:58, Reply)

i. Bullshit.
Build-up and anticipation is wonderful, you just need to find the right person.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:52, Reply)

yes but if there is too much of it
it can lead to a much bigger let-down.

i am going to abandon my usual criteria of: "must be arrogant and must make me laugh" in favour of: "must be a half-decent human being who doesn't think being 'hot' is the most important feature a woman can have" and see if this gets me any further!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Well if 'arrogant' is one of your criteria you're probably just asking for trouble there
but if a Jessica Rabbit shaped hotshot lawyer can't find a nice bloke then the rest of us mere mortals are screwed. And not in the way we would like.
(berk, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:00, Reply)

i have my eye on one, who does seem to be really really nice and not arrogant at all, which is a first for me
we'll see how long it takes me to turn him into a total twat!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:02, Reply)

Jessica Rampant
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 14:03, Reply)

It makes me feel all teacherly and gay
like that terminal spastic Robin 'if I gurn like I'm having a seizure and put on a stupid 'comedy' voice hopefully no-one will notice I'm about as funny as losing your toes to frostbite' Williams, in what is easily the most bent film of all time: 'Dead Poets' Society'.

That film is an abomination. Just typing its name has made me grit my teeth. Seriously.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:37, Reply)

there's worse
what about "star wars" for example
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:39, Reply)

Being obsessed with Star Wars is rather silly
but I like it a great deal. Not enough to come over all 'Simpsons Tie' about it, but still.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:41, Reply)

I've never seen that film, but from the way you describe it,
Robin Askwith would have been better cast in the lead role.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:39, Reply)

Now he WAS good.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:39, Reply)

Did Robin Askwith ever make a bad film?
I think you'll find he did.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 13:41, Reply)