An open letter to Off Topic.
Hi there. I'm Noel. You may know me as /Noel/, Noely Noel, Papa Noel, Noel ephants on my patch mate! and various other names because cr3 won't delete some never-posted cunt with my dream username.

For the record:

1. None of the suggestions or advice I send in gazzes are substitute for professional assistance from professionals, nor are they actually pictures of my cock.

2. I've never been married, spent time in prison or broken anyone's hand. I have, however, been close to breakdown a couple of times.

3. I've been to Malaysia, Canada, parts of Europe and Wales. I flew there by jet; how cool is that?!

4. I run a charity where I try to be nice to people. Unfortunately it seems I'm steadily becoming more of a cunt on this board.

5. I come to b3ta to be flirtatious or seek to have "dates" with people. Men, women, dogfuckers, I'm not fussy. I am now a 35-year old male, the sex-change was a runaway success. I've no pets but I often pretend my daughter is an alpaca, I've even dug a dust pit in the car park for her to roll around in. Sometimes I fantasise about putting my neighbour's golden retriever in his wheelie-bin. I have my own home and have become quite approving of people and awesomeness: indeed, as Groucho Marx said, "A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

If anyone is interested or wants to ask me any questions, you're welcome to gaz me: I'm fucking desperate for the attention.

You are welcome to draw your own conclusions from me and my future behaviours but I'm less concerned about people's pasts and more concerned with PIES.

Thank you for reading this far, and I apologise in advance for future instances of me being a terrible cunt.

Noel
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:48, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

PIE WIN

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:52, Reply)

FINALLY
Where the fuck have you been?

5-2
5-2
5-2
5-2
5-2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

As you were
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Eh????

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I think they might be some sort of dance step. Nod politely and back away.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:57, Reply)

You're the only person I even vaguely associate with who lives in Derby
I care not if you're from there originally, support the local "team" or even follow football, you must bear my mockery
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:03, Reply)

I'm a Rugby man
And the last time we played Derby we beat them, so it's all good
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:04, Reply)

And I don't actually live IN Derby, I'm about 10 miles away

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:04, Reply)

Gah
Find me a sheep-shagging scumbag to mock!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:05, Reply)

I shall be IN Derby tonight though
Rocking it out at the indie/rock club
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:09, Reply)

I choose you as my standard-bearer
See how many times you can get the words "FIVE-TWO" into conversation with the filth
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:13, Reply)

But it's an indie club
How many of them do you think will have even HEARD of football?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Nothing to lose by saying it to as many people as possible, then

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:22, Reply)

It could make me look even more like a jabbering mental patient
And I'm looking to pick up chicks
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:29, Reply)

try not calling them chicks?
it's a small start, but it's a start
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:32, Reply)

You've not met me offline, have you?
Ask anyone that has what I'm really like
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

you think i haven't already done that??!?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:42, Reply)

What, asked people what I'm like?
So what did they say?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:44, Reply)

ah maxi
i never ever kiss and tell.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:48, Reply)

A little greasy.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

:(

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:07, Reply)

You're going to DERBY... to meet girls
Yeah, good luck with that. If you can find one with all her own teeth, four limbs, the ability to string a sentence together and no obvious traces of crippling STDs then I suggest you do the gentlemanly thing, and take her to the train station so she can get to wherever she was aiming for
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:35, Reply)

ha
my friend has just opened a gallery in derby. i suggested to my dad that we went to see it, and he said "fuck off, it's a pain in the arse to get to, and a shithole when you get there." is this an accurate assessment?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Yes, completely accurate

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Most of the reason why it's a pain in the arse to get to
Is because you spend the entire journey asking why on earth you're going to fucking Derby, and contemplating the horror that awaits you there.

Leaving Derby, on the other hand, is like snorting cocaine off Scarlett Johnasson's naked arse whilst watching the complete Battlestar Galactica (in HD) in the back of a chaffeur-driven limo which is also a Honda Accord which you own along with several others
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:43, Reply)

i've been to chesterfield
it can't be worse than chesterfield, surely?

i snogged my second ever snog when i was 13 in "xanadu" nightclub in chesterfield. classy classy classy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

The aforementioned ex was born in Chesterfield. I forgave her. Awesome rack.
And yes, it is worse than Chesterfield, although you would be well advised to avoid both. Derby is the worst place in any known plane of reality. Worse than Dagobah, Scaro or Grimsby. Put together.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)