Thanks to the genius open letter thread yesterday
lets all write open letters and clarifications about yourselves.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:16, 259 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'll start
Dear OT

You may know me as PsychoChomp, before that I was PsychoChomp. I know you know that I know.

1) I'm not a Paperclip salesman, I'm an analyst. I analize paperclips.
2) I have not been convicted of any rape ever nor am I on the sex offenders register.
3) I have never gazzed anyone anything ever.
4) I've self diagnosed a number of mental illnesses.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:19, Reply)

You gazzed me once
But it was very helpful
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I'm a ray of fucking sunshine

(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:29, Reply)

can't we write them about each other instead? there'd be MUCH more clarity going on.
but seeing as it's dead in real life and online around here today, ok:

WITHOUT PREJUDICE SAVE AS TO COSTS AND SUBJECT TO CONTRACT

(it's funny because psychochomp said "an open letter" and i have marked mine without prejudice)

hi all

for those remaining few of you who haven't yet seen my tits or asked to see them, i'm rachelswipe. rswipe to my friends and behind my back.

you may have seen me around here over the (gosh, it's been almost SEVEN) years whinging and whining repeatedly and repetitively about shit men, shit taxes, shit men, shit diets, shit men, shit jobs and shit men. i'd like to promise you all that this is going to change in 2011, i really would. for all our sakes. but past experience would dictate otherwise. anyway if you can't cope with that fuck it, you know where the IGNORE drum is.

lots of love

me xx
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:26, Reply)

You forgot
Men who shit the bed
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:29, Reply)

some things can never be forgotten
however much you drink.

urrrrgh, he is still calling me every second his wife is out. the last couple of guys wounded my poor little ego so badly that i was almost tempted to give in just to make myself feel better (better the devil you know and all that). luckily my friends and huge quantities of vodka made me see that it would definitely not be worth it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:35, Reply)

You'll find someone nice in the new year.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:36, Reply)

maybe
the new flatmate's bf has some very eligible mates, he has promised me a string of set-ups next year.

i foresee a montage of "comedy" stories coming out of this one for /qotw...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Well that is no bad thing surely?
At the very least, your bruised ego will result in a gaggle of geeks getting to laugh at your misfortune.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:38, Reply)

they all work in tv (he's a tv producer)
they're probably far too cool for a lawyer. still, some of them might need property advice, eh?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:41, Reply)

This is probably not the best time to mention it, in the context of the above discussion
but I haven't seen your tits
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:39, Reply)

how about that time you asked to borrow my bra, "just to see what the silk would feel like" ?
i'm sorry, but come on, i must be the only person here who has NEVER called you gay before (or since).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:41, Reply)

You're missing out, it's great fun...
_{This may possibly indicate that I need to find something more interesting to do with my life, of course...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:43, Reply)

dude
just being on here says that you need to find something more interesting to do with your life. it says the same for all of us.

apparently you're on the list of "b3tans who MUST come to the london bash" (not having met any of you, i have had to take advice on this list) in june, are you in??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:45, Reply)

If you've not met any of them, how did you decide who to ask help you compile your list?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:49, Reply)

i have my sources

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:50, Reply)

HP? Daddies?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:51, Reply)

London bash? June?
Must admit this is the first I've heard of it, but count me in. As long as it's not around whichever weekend the 19th falls closest to, I should be available.

(And what is this 'list?')
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:53, Reply)

i am waiting for rakky to confirm which date she can do
then i'll put it on the calendar etc. but yeah, thought it was about time i did something constructive around here!

the list is a list of "great people who must be available on the chosen date as they are great fun", but i am having to go on recommendations from trusted sources as i don't have any recommendations of my own, never having met any of the clowns in this circus. apart from rakky. and she is co-organising it with me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:17, Reply)

You and Rakky organising it?
I can only foresee chaos.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:25, Reply)

i know
she is a very very bad influence. although she would probably say the same thing. last time we went out together - which was a while ago now, stupid cities being too far apart - we ended up conniving a free bed in the VIP area (they had massive beds instead of tables, don't ask) and free champagne, it was a glorious night/morning out. AND she- no, bad swipe, that's not my story to tell!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

*thinks hard*
I believe you may be correct, Ms Swipe, and for this I thank you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:52, Reply)

i am correct
i know i've never called you gay!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I don't doubt that part, that'a what I'm thanking you for
I was contemplating whether you're alone in this respect. I'll just agree, I used to be engaged to a law student and she never let me win one argument. In four-and-a-half years.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:00, Reply)

i can see we are going to get on just fiiiiiiiiine.

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:17, Reply)

My experience gives me a head start
Not only do I know better then to think I could win an argument with you, I also know that the reason for this is not because you're a lawyer, but because of the aforementioned tits.

Now, about the loan of your bra...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:21, Reply)

today's is ice blue satin with a black lace trim
is that your colour?

sorry it doesn't have matching pants though, as ann summers only had them in sizes anorexic arse or morbidly obese arse, so i had to leave them on the rack.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Sounds charming
*strokes thighs vehemently a la Vic Reeves*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:33, Reply)

on a practical note, it will hoist them right up
for maximum cleavage and shapeliness. they'll look like two little jellies in a pot. i could rest my chin on mine today, which makes a lovely change from resting them on my toes.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:35, Reply)

I'm struggling to attempt to remiain vaguely polite and gentlemanly
and not descend into outright sex-pestery. Also, I conclude that you have either enormous breasts or no neck whatsoever
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:38, Reply)

There's no reason it can't be both
Like Gladstone Small choosing between two basketballs.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:45, Reply)

both
it's kind of like 3 gigantic basoomas from the fourth chin down to the fifth stomach, if that helps with the descent into sex-pestery.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:45, Reply)

What a glorious description
I'm so impressed with your wordplay that I'm breaking my "never try to type one-handed" rule
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:47, Reply)

WAIT A MINUTE. you're just using me to shatter the gay rumours.
a "beard", i think the technical term is...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Nonsense
There is absolutely nothing I can do to shatter the gay rumours. I even introduced my girlfriend to a B3tan last night but I know this will convince absolutely no-one except him. If I travelled the country having sex with all the female B3tans, plus some gobby celebrities who would be sure to tell Heat magazine all about it, I would still return to proclamations of bumderhood.

Thus reassured, please continue telling me about your breasts
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

well, i'm kind of done
we could move onto my ass if you like? (this is in no way a cunning attempt to see if you leap on the anal topic with homoerotic glee)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Hang about, I need to indulge my inner maths geek
Let's hear some statistics
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

what, like 28FF, 16, 32?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Yep
Although with a slightly less splittable waistline, if you please
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

ok double them all
you're halfway there
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Ahem
You're a 56KK?

Is that bollocks?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:28, Reply)

TOP bollocks.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:31, Reply)

there is a pic in my profile
do your own research!

and maths. doubling 28 would only take you HALFWAY there, i said...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:38, Reply)

The maths I'd managed up to that point was boggling my tiny mind sufficiently
without going up to a 112XX. Also; so there is, and I'm impressed.

*continues thigh-rubbing with renewed vigour*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:47, Reply)

the beard thickens!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:53, Reply)

Just accept the compliment woman

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:58, Reply)

i'm not very good at doing that
but ok.

thank you. now move over and let me rub your thighs for you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:00, Reply)

*Removes hands*
*crosses fingers*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:07, Reply)

As bored as I am at work and as much as I want to participate just to alleviate said boredom,
I think that writing an open letter about myself would effectively be akin to inviting a number of insults and strikethroughs hitherto unexperienced by this noble forum
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Well said, you massive bumder.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:39, Reply)

How on earth did you see through my wicked plan.
No wonder you claim to have won the weakest link.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Not just a hat-rack, my friend
Although I am wearing a hat today
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:54, Reply)

what about your rack?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Speak to Amberl
I haven't negotiated the complete purchase of it yet
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:59, Reply)

Can't you get some sort of time share?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Apparently she needs them all year round
I imagine that having to compensate for the sudden loss of forward-bearing weight would be somewhat discombobulating
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:10, Reply)

An open letter to Off Topic.
Hi there. I'm Noel. You may know me as /Noel/, Noely Noel, Papa Noel, Noel ephants on my patch mate! and various other names because cr3 won't delete some never-posted cunt with my dream username.

For the record:

1. None of the suggestions or advice I send in gazzes are substitute for professional assistance from professionals, nor are they actually pictures of my cock.

2. I've never been married, spent time in prison or broken anyone's hand. I have, however, been close to breakdown a couple of times.

3. I've been to Malaysia, Canada, parts of Europe and Wales. I flew there by jet; how cool is that?!

4. I run a charity where I try to be nice to people. Unfortunately it seems I'm steadily becoming more of a cunt on this board.

5. I come to b3ta to be flirtatious or seek to have "dates" with people. Men, women, dogfuckers, I'm not fussy. I am now a 35-year old male, the sex-change was a runaway success. I've no pets but I often pretend my daughter is an alpaca, I've even dug a dust pit in the car park for her to roll around in. Sometimes I fantasise about putting my neighbour's golden retriever in his wheelie-bin. I have my own home and have become quite approving of people and awesomeness: indeed, as Groucho Marx said, "A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

If anyone is interested or wants to ask me any questions, you're welcome to gaz me: I'm fucking desperate for the attention.

You are welcome to draw your own conclusions from me and my future behaviours but I'm less concerned about people's pasts and more concerned with PIES.

Thank you for reading this far, and I apologise in advance for future instances of me being a terrible cunt.

Noel
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:48, Reply)

PIE WIN

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:52, Reply)

FINALLY
Where the fuck have you been?

5-2
5-2
5-2
5-2
5-2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

As you were
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Eh????

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I think they might be some sort of dance step. Nod politely and back away.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:57, Reply)

You're the only person I even vaguely associate with who lives in Derby
I care not if you're from there originally, support the local "team" or even follow football, you must bear my mockery
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:03, Reply)

I'm a Rugby man
And the last time we played Derby we beat them, so it's all good
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:04, Reply)

And I don't actually live IN Derby, I'm about 10 miles away

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:04, Reply)

Gah
Find me a sheep-shagging scumbag to mock!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:05, Reply)

I shall be IN Derby tonight though
Rocking it out at the indie/rock club
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:09, Reply)

I choose you as my standard-bearer
See how many times you can get the words "FIVE-TWO" into conversation with the filth
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:13, Reply)

But it's an indie club
How many of them do you think will have even HEARD of football?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Nothing to lose by saying it to as many people as possible, then

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:22, Reply)

It could make me look even more like a jabbering mental patient
And I'm looking to pick up chicks
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:29, Reply)

try not calling them chicks?
it's a small start, but it's a start
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:32, Reply)

You've not met me offline, have you?
Ask anyone that has what I'm really like
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

you think i haven't already done that??!?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:42, Reply)

What, asked people what I'm like?
So what did they say?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:44, Reply)

ah maxi
i never ever kiss and tell.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:48, Reply)

A little greasy.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

:(

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:07, Reply)

You're going to DERBY... to meet girls
Yeah, good luck with that. If you can find one with all her own teeth, four limbs, the ability to string a sentence together and no obvious traces of crippling STDs then I suggest you do the gentlemanly thing, and take her to the train station so she can get to wherever she was aiming for
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:35, Reply)

ha
my friend has just opened a gallery in derby. i suggested to my dad that we went to see it, and he said "fuck off, it's a pain in the arse to get to, and a shithole when you get there." is this an accurate assessment?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Yes, completely accurate

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Most of the reason why it's a pain in the arse to get to
Is because you spend the entire journey asking why on earth you're going to fucking Derby, and contemplating the horror that awaits you there.

Leaving Derby, on the other hand, is like snorting cocaine off Scarlett Johnasson's naked arse whilst watching the complete Battlestar Galactica (in HD) in the back of a chaffeur-driven limo which is also a Honda Accord which you own along with several others
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:43, Reply)

i've been to chesterfield
it can't be worse than chesterfield, surely?

i snogged my second ever snog when i was 13 in "xanadu" nightclub in chesterfield. classy classy classy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

The aforementioned ex was born in Chesterfield. I forgave her. Awesome rack.
And yes, it is worse than Chesterfield, although you would be well advised to avoid both. Derby is the worst place in any known plane of reality. Worse than Dagobah, Scaro or Grimsby. Put together.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

So if you're lonely
You know I'm here waiting for you
I'm just a cross-hair
I'm just a shot away from you
And if you leave here
You leave me broken
shattered, I lie
I'm just a cross-hair
I'm just a shot,then we can die
I know I won't be leaving here
With you
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:50, Reply)

Oh go on, as you wish
Good morning, denizens of /offtopic,

You most likely know me as The Supreme Crow. I also respond to 'Crow,' the inspired 'Crowsephine,' or just 'you massive fucking bender/biblical-scale bumder/massive flappy teapot/filthy poove.'

It may surprise you to learn the following. Or, you may find the whole list unfolding with the same tedious inevitability as your average morning at work:
1. Despite my limp-wristed reputation, I have never actually had sexual intercourse with another man, nor provided fellatio-related services on Clapham Common in exchange for a negotiable fee. (However, given my funding will run out at the end of March I may have to consider it as a career option.)
2. Ditto concerning the act of 'teapotting' my way around a cocktail bar.
(2a. Ditto teabagging/elephanting/helicoptering)
3. I am not actually a crow, despite what my online alias might suggest.
4. I do find crows interesting and amusing. Quite why is beyond me, and certainly beyond most other people.
5. Erm...that;'s about it. Fascinating, aren't I?

With best regards,
Crow
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:51, Reply)

BUMDER ALERT
THE PERSON WHO POSTED THE ABOVE HAS BEEN REPORTED AS A BUMDER. HE IS A BUMDER. HE IS KNOWN TO ENGAGE oh fuck it, I just can't maintain the ludicrously high standards you set
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Take your hands off that Bumder Klaxon right away, young man!

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:23, Reply)

You're not helping either of us here
As if "Bumder Klaxon" doesn't sound like a filthy euphemism
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Dear Off Topic,

I am afraid I look more like a shaven ewok than a well-groomed wookiee.

Sorry about that.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 10:54, Reply)

You're living a lie.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:04, Reply)

I know, it's killing me, it really is.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Oh FUCK THAT's who you remind me of.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Nah you're thinking of Gollum.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:37, Reply)

MY preciousssssssssssssssss

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:38, Reply)

*sings song about fish*

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:45, Reply)

huh?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:46, Reply)

There's a bit where Gollum sings a song about fish.
It's not a very good song, true, but there you go.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

oh
i've never seen it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

I know the song he means
but I'm fucked if I know the words. I imagine only Andy Serkis, Peter Jackson, Fran Boyens and Philippa Walsh do

/geek
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

It's about fish, if that helps.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:54, Reply)

The only bits I've ever been able to pick out are something about a pool being nice and cool
and a fish so juicy sweeeeeeeeeet. Gallagher-esque lyricism
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

but you let me pat your shaved head when I was drunk, so I should apologise (again), for that...
and tell you how remarkably tolerant you are of drunken aussies.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Dear OT
My name is Napoleon Bonaparte, and I used to post here under the username "Major Misunderstanding"

I once flew my fighter-plane to the moon where I picked up 3 sexy women and was married there and then by Elvis to all 3, I had to fly back the next day as I was walking to the south pole ON MY HANDS for charity, I raised so much money every woman on the planet spontaneously orgasmed multiple times.

When i'm not marrying women or being awesome, I like to post on B3ta which I created at the same time that I invented the internet.

If you would like to marry me or would like a photo of my penis, please gaz me your name, address, deepest fears and points of emotional weakness.

Yours innocently,

Major Maverick Iceman, MD, KBE, ASAP
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:17, Reply)

I loled, hard

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Innocent until proven guilty
and I only admitted guilt becuase of the overwhelming evidence against me

So there
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:24, Reply)

should have got a better lawyer

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:25, Reply)

I AM a lawyer
and a fighter pilot and Brad Pitt.

(Is it wrong to mock the mentally ill? Probably. *shrugs*)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:30, Reply)

as i have said to you before
something that feels so right cannot possibly be wrong
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Dear Off-Topic,

My name isn't really Brian.

Also, contrary to what the reprobate Boyce may say, I don't really look very much like That Legend Moaty. If I'd been recently shorn and then snapped and subsequently foomph'd/gnops'd, then possibly a little, but otherwise, definitely not.

Also also, I like cheese.

TTFN
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:24, Reply)

I'll follow the herd
Goodmorning Angels

*waits half a second for a response*

I'm Amberl. It's not Amber-l, it's all one word, I'm not a Superman character. From the preceding you may have noticed I'm a pedantic cunt. I'm at university and will shortly be doing finals. This may result in an increase of time spent on here which makes lots more whining about said work not being done, the lack of decent men in this city and eventual nervous breakdown. I try to be nice, but occasionally my natural cuntiness shines through. This will eventually make you all long for the nervous breakdown and eventual posting probably of squid-porn.

Now go and defeat the ridiculously implausible plot
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Not pedantic enough to finish with a full stop, I notice.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Because life hasn't finished yet wookie
/also good at stupid excuses
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:46, Reply)

good at excuses

edit: my mrs loved the makeup, so thanks once again :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:47, Reply)

you took make-up tips from more than one of us
you cheating two timing duplicitous... MAN!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:49, Reply)

I swear I'm sorry swipe!
I didn't know he was tipping (and the rest) elsewhere!

(Vipros- I'm very glad she liked it :)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:51, Reply)

it is proving our point
that THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. even the good ones, like vipros.

if i had any tears left, i would be shedding them RIGHT NOW.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:52, Reply)

I think we both need a shot of something strong
the disappointment kills
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

i have donald trump's golden vodka for tonight
that might cure some of the stabbing pain and sickness i am feeling inside right now
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:57, Reply)

I'm sorry but I still find that deeply entertaining.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

i find it 40% proof
which is all i am really looking for in these things!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

I made no secret of it :-P
and Amberl's tips were more along the direct "buy this particular thing" lines
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:52, Reply)

banished

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

:-(
how can I return to your good graces?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

you can't
you only get ONE chance with me, vipros...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

you realise that this means my life is no longer worth living?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

you should have thought of that
before you took my high opinion and my generous friendship and trampled them carelessly in the dirt
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

It's not like I didn't also use the useful and comprehensive stuff you sent me as well.
would you have preferred it if I'd just ignored the effort that Amberl went to help me out as well?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

yes
i am very demanding
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

hot

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:07, Reply)

you won't get around me like that...
HOW hot, exactly?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

this hot
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:11, Reply)

totally not clicking that at work
what is it, what is it, before my curiosity eats me alive
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:13, Reply)

cartoon picture of a thermometer and the sun ;-)

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

oh
i was expecting something about horses.

and to think i wore your favourite slutty pencil skirt today and EVERYTHING.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

hah, I almost put a pic of a secretary type woman as well
by which I mean one like the one in the film Secretary, not saying that you dress like a secretary
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:15, Reply)

many of our secretaries dress much better than the lawyers!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:18, Reply)

this does not surprise me

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:19, Reply)

what are you implying?
you can be cast back into that icy frozen wasteland very quickly indeed.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:24, Reply)

I'm implying that my dad was a lawyer for many years, and as a result I have met lots of his colleagues

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:26, Reply)

speaking of dads and your dad's practice
my dad bought me (well, me and my brothers) a holiday cottage in cornwall for xmas. where's padstow (might be porth, can't remember). is it nice?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:29, Reply)

he bought you a cottage?
Padstow is basically owned by Rick Stein. It's in a good location, but I find Padstow itself to be quite shit. It's also probably the busiest most touristy place in Cornwall.

Porth is on the outskirts of Newquay, not far from where I usually camp down there
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:32, Reply)

yup
it's an investment/inheritance tax thing rather than a christmas present really, he just thought that would be a nice time of year to tell us. which it was!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:33, Reply)

very nice!
you should stop in for afternoon tea on your way down sometime.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:34, Reply)

is it near you then?
it'll be let out for most of the year i think (well, i hope!), but i will def be going over the summer at some point.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:35, Reply)

not near me, but there aren't many main roads into Devon and Cornwall, so you'll have to come right past Exeter
which means you are only about 5-10 minutes from my house.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:37, Reply)

i shall remember this
although i was thinking of the fancy sleeper train. think it comes into penzance. is that a million miles from porth?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:46, Reply)

Cornwall isn't a big place at all
so it doesn't take that long to get from anywhere to anywhere else.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:49, Reply)

even in my stilettos?
this is a good thing
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:53, Reply)

I don't mean by walking :-P

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:57, Reply)

oh
not even in my fabulous ass-toning trainers?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:01, Reply)

have they given you a fabulously toned ass yet?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:05, Reply)

Nicely done.
When's your Oxford bash happening again?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

I don't know if I'm not invited because she hasn't got round to it,
or if she genuinely hates me.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:52, Reply)

the invite went out about 2 weeks ago
you like maths, you do the maths.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:54, Reply)

I invited the first b3ta people I thought of
and then being a lazy arse told them to send it to their b3ta friends as well. I'll facebook you it later
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Cheers sweet tits

(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

i think i MIGHT actually be able to make it after all
apparently the senior training weekend might get moved.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

fantastic let me know if that happens :)

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

and in the meantime
we have dinner in oxford, ladies bash in march, london bash in june.

i have been googling pubs with decent outdoor space, would be great if everybody could make it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

11th February :)

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

MOAR details please so I can make plans.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Have I not fbed you either?
Organisationfail :( I'll gaz you
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Work not word.
pedant fail.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

p P

That's better.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Dear OT
I don't actually eat croissants very often. Although I have had two this week.

All the best
Vipros
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:44, Reply)

I have always been BelladonnaAnodyne
Contrary to some people's opinions, I do not lie on b3ta. Those who have met me may confirm that I actually AM that much of a cunt. I have no self-diagnosed illnesses, mental or otherwise. That is all.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

So you actually DON'T fancy me?
...bollocks
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

ha ha,
you're not fancied by Bella, proven to have the lowest standards of any b3tan.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

hahahaha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

I demand to see the chart that proves this.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

If I was feeling just slightly more motivated
then I would actually make a chart.

it might be a little mean though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:01, Reply)

You should do. Mean is funny.
I'd put it on my profile and everything.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

only mean to one individual though

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

If it's me, I don't care.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

it isn't

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

It's most unlike you to want to be mean to me on someone's profile
instead of right here where everyone can see it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:17, Reply)

nah he's going to be mean to me
people are following a trend today
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:20, Reply)

I keep meaning to send you a YouTube link
It's called "supernatural Eye of the Tiger". Let me know if you've seen it and I won't clutter up your wall
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:27, Reply)

Here we go.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:20, Reply)

it's as if you can read my mind

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:23, Reply)

dude
we can ALL read your mind
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:24, Reply)

what am I thinking now then?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:28, Reply)

you're thinking about hot evil women in pencil skirts
and then how good your missus would look in one.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:29, Reply)

surprisingly close

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:29, Reply)

told you so

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Yeh', he really should do his flys up.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:29, Reply)

Argh why is MSPaint so categorically shit?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

i don't
i can't imagine it would make for attractive reading
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Ahaaaaaa

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Sorry to disappoint chick.
Looking forward to tonight?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Abso-bloody-exactly
What are you up to?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:04, Reply)

Latvian Club and Polish Club.
Cheap booze and live bands. Not really in the mood if I'm honest though.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Getting in touch with the roots. Sounds fun.
Why are you not up for it? This is most irregular
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:13, Reply)

I know, right?
Mainly because I have to work two shifts tomorrow, I'm skint and I have absolutely nothing to wear (I mean this in the ludicrously girly sense but it's still pissing me off)
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:19, Reply)

*cracks knuckles*
- you work in a pub so can surely do so whilst hungover/still slightly drunk
- you're hot and therefore will get by in pubs with no money - also try invoking the surname, as you're going to a Latvian club
- you just need to try laying out previously-worn clothes in different combination and see what grabs you. Don't be afraid to match jarring colours
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Started strong, but turned queer again by point three I'm afraid.
Gaybo.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:30, Reply)

I pride myself on my ability to dispense fashion advise
You would not believe how easily impressed girls are by that stuff
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Yeah but I'm not trying to make an outfit
I'm trying to pick a dress that I'm not insanely bored of.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:38, Reply)

Everyone knows me at the Latvian club anyway.
And all my clothes are so boring. I'd borrow something from my sister but she'd dress me in something painfully fashionable and cold.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Chainmail?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Christ, I know you're behind the times in Liverpool but that's ridiculous
Good result the other night by the way
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:35, Reply)

I don't follow fashion, anyone who has met me can back me up on this
Tbh, I'll take these results, just as long as we get Woy out of there sooner rather than later.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:39, Reply)

I said at the start of the season that it was the wrong club for him
What he did at Fulham was achieved over years, and at Liverpool he was only ever going to get months to deliver.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:50, Reply)

I understand that a manager needs time to make his own team
But this is the worst start in 57(?) Years, last time it was this bad, we might have been relegated.

His win/loss ratio is pathetic, he insults players during press conferences, and has shown he's happy with draws against teams we should beat. He's had his chance. Its time for him to leave.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Don't get me wrong, I quite agree
I think he's a great manager in terms of what he's done in the past, I just don't think he can bring that sort of thing out at a high-profile, results-driven club like Liverpool
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:02, Reply)

She makes me wear dresses I don't like and bans me from wearing tights
When you smoke as much as I do, this is a big problem in winter.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:36, Reply)

Wear something low-cut
You'll look great and get more drinks bought for you. Two birds, one stone

/pathetic attempt to dispense non-gay fashion advice
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:36, Reply)

Well I was hardly
About to go out covered from neck to toe on NYE.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:46, Reply)

You should totally do that
Break the mould
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:50, Reply)

Yeah but then no drinks bought.
THINK Darth, THINK.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:55, Reply)

You know those hospital gowns with an open-up flap for the arse?
You need an equivalent in your top-to-toe outfit. On your tits.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:04, Reply)

I'm picturing something like a cuckoo clock now, that'll pop open every hour on the hour.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:07, Reply)

There's got to be a market for that sort of thing
I don't think www.cuckootits.com is taken either
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:16, Reply)

I'm off to the patent office.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:18, Reply)

I'll do the marketing
We'll need a model for the TV spots. Ann Widdicombe's at a loose end now
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:22, Reply)

"Buy this or we'll start the timer"
That sort of thing?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:28, Reply)

Dear OT
at the moment I am pretty much content so let's just keep it going as is please.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:36, Reply)

Content? With a 2-2 draw at fucking Wigan? In which both opposition goals were handed over on a plate by your hapless defenders? Content?
Really?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:49, Reply)

Football seldom effects my mood or level of happiness. It's not in my control so why worry about it.
Just because your team had 'a' good result does not mean you did anything good you sequin clad sycophant.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Oh, he is so getting called that more often.
I like the alliteration.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 12:58, Reply)

for the record I am totally lying about the football it proper annoys me when arsenal lose
just don't tell anyone. You're the (semi)new girl aren't you?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:02, Reply)

Don't get your hopes up bobby, she's been on AA.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:02, Reply)

Surely said lack of standards is a very good reason to get your hopes up?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:04, Reply)

I know that, I'm trying to be polite and what not
what are your plans tonight? I am meant to be going to Wales to see uni girl and some friends but she is sick so don't know if she wants to go out now. I may watch films and smoke doobs.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:04, Reply)

I'm staying in and staying sober, playing guitar and messing with my synth, maybe writing a little music, getting to bed at a reasonable hour.
/ac
I am honestly not an old man.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:05, Reply)

Nice plan I am now thinking I might play need for speed all night and try and unlock everything
WE ARE WILD!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:09, Reply)

I'm new(ish) to OT
I've been on b3ta for about three or four years. Hello anyway. I can pretend to be sympathetic about Arsenal, my housemate supports them. I'll get him to tell me what to say.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:06, Reply)

He sounds like a wonderful chap.
Well nice to internet meet you mate. I'm not mental honest.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:08, Reply)

I'll take your word for it
After all, nobody has ever lied about being a mental on the internet before. Right?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:11, Reply)

Well no one apart from Chompy anyway
he is a fibber cause I know he is a rapist and a paper clip salesman.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:14, Reply)

Duly noted.
Paperclip salesmen scare me.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:19, Reply)

but you're fine with rapists?
I love you modern women! ha
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:21, Reply)

I'm forward looking like that.
Except when it comes to paperclip salesmen. They are the worst kind of scum and deserve to get bummed in prison.

I may have got somewhat mixed up here.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:23, Reply)

paper clip salesman - nonce
samething pal.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:24, Reply)

You crazy kids and your slang

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Pull the other one Bobby
Also 5-2 over the filth does not constitute a good result, it constitutes a successful season and reason enough to spend the next month plastered in perpetual celebration
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:05, Reply)

yeah massive lie I'm afraid but it's my stock response when being teased about footie.
How are you my friend?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:06, Reply)

Very good thank you mate, am at work but only for another hour and my boss brought in beer!
DJing tonight, really looking forward to it. How's you keeping?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:10, Reply)

surprisingly good, feel fitter than I ever have thanks to boxing and the gym , still need to shift about 5/6 more stone!!
But aim to have done that by my birthday in May. Looks like I'm staying in or at least local tonight, uni girl is sick and has cried off. Xbox and weed ftw!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:13, Reply)

Good man, well done
Pleased for you. Sorry to hear your lady is sick but a night of Xbox and weed sounds crackin'
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:18, Reply)

Have a good one DJing fella. Please play QOTSA 'you have a killer scene there man.....' for me.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqmQbWf6Zds
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Dear OT
I appear to have acquired a reputation as something of a cunt and, bizarrely, a bully.

If I may be so bold, I would like to take the opportunity to extend the hand of friendship to all of OT and remind them that I am, of course, very good looking. I am also available for tips and advice regarding men's formalwear and accessories.

Yours winningly,

Mr P Dozer OBE.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:02, Reply)

Cunt? No.
Arrogant and pretentious? Maybe.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Dozer I have liked you from the start mate
you are very amusing and I hope you continue. Don't turn into Bert though.

replied to the wrong one. But still applies.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:06, Reply)

I can live with that.
And no chance of me 'doing a Bert' either.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:11, Reply)

"I am also available for tips and advice regarding men's formalwear and accessories."
You are DF's sockpuppet AICMFP.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Let's be fair, I don't think you have a reputation as a bully
In the other thread when Rory said "terrible bullying" I believe he was referring to me citing your name as someone I don't like. I have absolutely no idea why I'm trying to reassure you other than the fact that I don't like to create false impressions on the internet
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:12, Reply)

Then why do you keep harping on about this imaginary girlfriend of yours and trying to convince us you're straight?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:16, Reply)

because one day when you are all convinced we are going to rohypnol the shit out of your drinks
then plough the shit out of your bum in a horrific columbine-esque gay massacre.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:18, Reply)

As soon as one of you falls for it, I'll stop
Apart from Disasterprone, who's met her
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Dude
Does this all stem from that Pendulum thing? I realise that you know disasterprone in real life and he seriously does not like me one bit, following an incident where he was exceptionally nasty to me and he offered me a smack in the mouth should we ever meet. All because I called a shit qotw story shit. No joke or exaggeration.

I harbour no ill feelings to anyone on here- it's the internet after all and we are both OT posters.

Alright?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:20, Reply)

It's got nowt to do with Disasterprone, that's a coincidence
It is about the Pendulum thing, and they way you troll my QOTW posts. I'm sure that you're perfectly pleasant in real life but I've only ever encountered you online where your disposition towards me has been set firmly to "dickhead".

As you say it's just internet banter and it's not like I sit up at night planning fiendish ways to bump you off, it's merely than until right now we've never exchanged a civil word.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:27, Reply)

I don't troll anyone's posts.
And as a mark of my civility I am resisting the urge to do a strikethrough of that p up there.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:33, Reply)

Brilliant
My opinion of you has absolutely been revised
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Is this internet sarcasm?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:41, Reply)

If you can't tell I have no inclination to clarify
but in the spirit of the season, I shall; would you change your opinion of someone based on your post above?

You're the last person I thought I'd be saying this to, if I'm honest, but I won't be posting again today so I'd like to wish you and everyone else on B3ta a very Happy New Year. Eat, drink, be merry, fornicate, dribble, vomit, sleep. Best of luck with all of the above.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 14:05, Reply)

I donno who you are, don't really care eaither.
Donno why you would think I would think you're a cunt.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Ok then.
Dear OT

My name is Gonz, or Pauly Pops, or P'Pops, or "Ohhh, he's got the cat icon". You can generally tell it's me because of my whitty repitorwar, and fabulous spellings.

1) Dispite the rumours, I am not the greatest thing in the world bed. I don't know who start it off, I susspect it might be Nancy from Hollyoaks. I don't know why she would say I am the world's greatest fuck, maybe she hasn't had Maximin before, but I just mearly "Shockingly good in bed, but not the world's greatest". I wish for whoever started these rumours to stop, as I can't live up to the hype. It's like asking for Lobster and getting a 1kg crayfish... or visa-versa
2) I have a natural touch when it comes to computers, seem to be able to achieve whatever I want (maybe because everything I've wanted to do is achievable?), however, I failed that 'ICT' thing they made you do at school, and was told not to do GCSEs.
3) Aside being a Microsoft Citified Professional (in Solution Architecture) and being a PADI open water diver.....I have no qualifications. This does not make me 'thick'.
4) I tend to look at things differently than other people, I don't know how or why, I've been told I 'think dyslexicly'. Sometimes simple things that everyone seems to 'get' avades me, and visa-versa. I quite like it because it makes life quite amuzing.
5) I take a look at people's profiles on here, generally if they have a feminim user name, find their facebook link if they've got one, see their relationship status, then their pictures....and that determins how I go about speaking to them. I accept "It's Complicated", "Single", "Widdowed" and "Devorced" as possative trates. Half your age plus seven, or twice your age minus seven, so that means anyone born from 1964 to mid-1990... is a potential.
6) I like cans of 'v' enegery drink, galaxy chocolate and things containing cream.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 13:25, Reply)

I'm quite nice, really.

( Kroney, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 14:07, Reply)