remember to practice safe cyber-sex
and phone-sex. at least you live by yourself. there can be nothing worse than phone-sex when you have someone else in the flat.

i really want to pssssssswhhssss. oh god you get me so goddam sssssssssssssssshhhhhhh. i am stroking my mwwwwwfwffumph thinking about your unintelligible
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:01, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

phone sex is absurd

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)

i used to think this before i tried it
and then i did and still thought it was absurd.

but then i tried again and... if you find someone who has the exact same turn-ons as you do, and with whom you're comfortable enough to be explicit, it can be blisteringly, smokingly hot and shockingly intimate. don't get me wrong, you'd never choose it over the real thing, but then again the real thing can also be a much much bigger letdown whereas phone sex is pretty much guaranteed a happy ending!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:05, Reply)

It's massively cringeworthy

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)

if one lives with one's other half
and sex may still be great but it's hardly a novelty, then i can see your perspective. just wait til you get home.

but what if it's someone new who excites you so much you can't sit still, but they aren't in the immediate vicinity, and the conversation goes that way... trust me, it's hot.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:10, Reply)

repeated explanation isn't going to help
accept the following:
I know what you mean
I've been in the situation you describe
I still find the whole concept fucking dreadful

this is not because of any lack of fire between us, or a lack of imagination or anything.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)

keep telling yourself that last sentence
repeated explanation might help after all.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:17, Reply)

I imagine you feeling sorry for me at the moment
stuck in my relationship
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)

nah
not at all! just because some people would see what you have as an enviable goal and others as a terrifying trap doesn't mean it's anything other than perfect for you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)

I honestly couldn't imagine anything better

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:21, Reply)

whereas others feel like scratching their skin off
at the thought of seeing the same face every night and every morning, listening to the same anecdotes about the same work people/job stuff, seeing the same friends in the same pub all the time, having the same routine about shopping and washing and cleaning and joint bank accounts and the same arguments about whose turn it is to buy toilet rolls and...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)

I had no preconceptions
and am genuinely surprised that none of that stuff matters because of the effect she has on me.

vomit inducing I know, but is the truth.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:26, Reply)

bertie was absolutely right
"it takes all sorts" !
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Now the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:32, Reply)

vomit inducing?
*Offers Vipros dads slippers*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:29, Reply)

you're a gent
but it's other who are likely to need them.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:31, Reply)

I agree, even a little dirty talk makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable
and reaching for one's thesaurus while mid-stroke seems to be frowned upon.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)

spontaneous dirty talk is fine
the occasional outburst that couldn't be kept in, but I find the whole thing forced and frankly embarrassing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)

but of course it IS spontaneous
you don't just go "ooh, 7.30am on a monday, time for phone-sex"!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)

just can't see it I'm afraid
great if it has worked for you though!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)

oh
god

yes
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)

I can do cyber sex but not phone sex.

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)

rubbish
... "just tell him what you want to do to him. or what you want him to do to you. or what you think other people might be doing to each other" ...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:06, Reply)

"I've got four fingers up my bumhole now, what are you doing?"

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:12, Reply)

oh rory
that's so....

fucking gross.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:18, Reply)

I'm quite the catch me

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)

i wouldn't know
BECAUSE YOU NEVER FUCKING GAZ ME WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)

?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:26, Reply)

hahahahahahahha

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:27, Reply)

*giggles like a loon*

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:18, Reply)

*turns off speakerphone*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)

'watching Grandstand'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)

I have trouble saying that in bed, never mind on the phone.

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)

hmmm
try a gimp mask and ballgag instead?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:18, Reply)

Hmmmm! better.
I don't mind doing freaky stuff, I just can't discuss it.
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)