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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Serious business now.
I am madly in love with a man on the internet and I don't know what to do. It's none of you reprobates so don't go buying any rubber sheets just yet.

He's on a dating site and he's everything I ever wanted and............he looks a bit like Jeff Bridges.

Help!
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:35, 251 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Is it Gonz?

(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:36, Reply)
Pleeze read post again.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:37, Reply)
Poor Gonz =(

(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:37, Reply)
Ok here's some help
Talk to him, see if he's cool.
THEN, and this is important, meet up with him and see how it goes.
Then marry him.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:37, Reply)
I've already messaged him.
He's only looking for ladies near him and he lives way down south. I told him if he has no luck with local women then message me. He agreed. He's lovely : (
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:38, Reply)
yeah, the south is much better than the north

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:39, Reply)
Move south
Then marry him.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:41, Reply)
She doesn't like blowjobs
She should marry him first and then tell him she's not 'moving south'.
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:41, Reply)
haha!

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:42, Reply)
Urgh!
On both counts.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:41, Reply)
I did this.
Halfway there...
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:39, Reply)
Start slowly, introduce yourself
Have a nice conversation, arrange to meet up, slip something in his drink, he'll wake up in your cellar, and has to understand he's your slave now. Works everytime.

/Chompy.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:37, Reply)
don't contact him
think of what could have been
die alone
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:39, Reply)
Too late.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:39, Reply)
Done it on the plate?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:40, Reply)
Play it cool.
Remember that he may well not be any good - don't build him up in your head and be prepared to discover upon meeting him that he may be 4'4", with a micropenis and is a huge U2 fan.

And remember - rave safe *clicks fingers and points*
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:40, Reply)
Ooo! I forgot about the penis thing.
*re-considers*
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:41, Reply)
I didn't know you were a U2 fan...

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:48, Reply)
You have to be very careful with this sort of thing
I fell madly in love with a man who was a regular in a chatroom I used to go in.


Within a year we were living together, and a mere ten years later we were married.

Is that what you really want to happen, Blousie? Is it? *points finger*
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:41, Reply)
Your poor parents.
Both their children.
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:42, Reply)
It's the done thing now Roota.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:43, Reply)
I think they figured out a long time ago
that both of their children were weird.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:44, Reply)
it's when you have to answer that question with
"On the internet... BUT NOT A DATING SITE!"
(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:45, Reply)
^this
although I'm not sure that the real website is less embarrassing...
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:46, Reply)
Nor in this case.

(I helped save b3ta! Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:47, Reply)
I might just say I picked him up on a street corner
when he was kerb-crawling.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:48, Reply)
I think perhaps you should start by buying a box of cider and some Fimo
and fashioning an exact replica of your chest. I mean, go all out, blend the colours to get the skin tones right, use that little tool for dimples, then put it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 130 deg C. Put it in a box with some silk flowers and a copy of Reader's Wives and post it to him. Two days later catch a bus to his locality and once all the traffic noise has died down keep your ears open for the distinctive sound of spaff hitting norks; don't forget to move your head slowly from side to side to pinpoint his location. Knock on his door, hold up the box of cider and demand smooth peanut butter sandwiches. He'll be yours forever.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:44, Reply)
don't be ridiculous
smooth peanut butter is shit compared to the crunchy stuff
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:45, Reply)
I agree, crazy foo'
but blousie likes it smooth innit. Are you getting your surf on tomorrow?
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:46, Reply)
on Sunday
going to be in Wells tomorrow.

I can't wait to go surfing. I'm excited. I'll be most put out if something prevents me, like my car going wrong or something
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:49, Reply)
I'm jealous, I'm desperate for a fix of seaside
but I think it'll be October before I get a chance, unless I hitch again.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:50, Reply)
I'm going surfing and camping as much as possible from now on.
Everything else can fuck off.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:57, Reply)
I quite fancy catching a bus somewhere from here, walking for a day, pitching a tent and walking back the next.
Might do that next weekend if the weather's good.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:58, Reply)
why not have a wank in your own house like everyone else?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:01, Reply)
Three down already today.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:04, Reply)
Smooooooooooooooooth!

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:47, Reply)
Too much faffing.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:46, Reply)
Well if I got an exact replica of a pair of tits of some girl I'd never met, let me tell you
you'd be scraping me off her with a fish-slice.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:47, Reply)
*re-considers*

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:48, Reply)

ff pp
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:47, Reply)
I've decided to pray to the baby Jesus to make sure he has no luck.
Then he will message me and I'll play it all cool and pretend I've gone off him and then I'll turn up at his house the next day wearing nothing but my prozzie coat and heels.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:45, Reply)
and a box of cider.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:45, Reply)
Got it!!
He looks like a cider drinker.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:47, Reply)
Whatever you do make sure that you wrap it up before you slap it up
this sex education message was brought to you be Tim Westwood
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:45, Reply)
Are you saying she should apply sparkly paper and sticky tape before spanking him?
Sounds a bit niche to me, but whatever floats your boat I guess.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:49, Reply)
Well walk a mile in MY SHOES.
I'm madly in love with Dr Francesca Stavrakopoulou - and when I send HER messages all I get is a fucking police caution.

:(
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:47, Reply)
I feel your pain Monty.
APART FROM THE FACT YOU HAVE A BLOODY FABULOUS GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!! GREEDY BUGGER!!
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:49, Reply)
Monty buggers Greedo?
I bet he shoots first.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:51, Reply)
Pfft!

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:53, Reply)
I can't help it if I'm a Mormon.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)
AHAHAHAH STRIKETHROUGH!!!!

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Mormon cuntybiffsnifter
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:03, Reply)
Send him a message and be ignored.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:50, Reply)
He wouldn't ignore me.
He'd chat with me anyway and make me fall for him even more.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:53, Reply)
BLOUSIE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND!

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:54, Reply)
*blushes*

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:56, Reply)
remember to practice safe cyber-sex
and phone-sex. at least you live by yourself. there can be nothing worse than phone-sex when you have someone else in the flat.

i really want to pssssssswhhssss. oh god you get me so goddam sssssssssssssssshhhhhhh. i am stroking my mwwwwwfwffumph thinking about your unintelligible
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:01, Reply)
phone sex is absurd

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)
i used to think this before i tried it
and then i did and still thought it was absurd.

but then i tried again and... if you find someone who has the exact same turn-ons as you do, and with whom you're comfortable enough to be explicit, it can be blisteringly, smokingly hot and shockingly intimate. don't get me wrong, you'd never choose it over the real thing, but then again the real thing can also be a much much bigger letdown whereas phone sex is pretty much guaranteed a happy ending!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:05, Reply)
It's massively cringeworthy

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
if one lives with one's other half
and sex may still be great but it's hardly a novelty, then i can see your perspective. just wait til you get home.

but what if it's someone new who excites you so much you can't sit still, but they aren't in the immediate vicinity, and the conversation goes that way... trust me, it's hot.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:10, Reply)
repeated explanation isn't going to help
accept the following:
I know what you mean
I've been in the situation you describe
I still find the whole concept fucking dreadful

this is not because of any lack of fire between us, or a lack of imagination or anything.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)
keep telling yourself that last sentence
repeated explanation might help after all.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:17, Reply)
I imagine you feeling sorry for me at the moment
stuck in my relationship
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)
nah
not at all! just because some people would see what you have as an enviable goal and others as a terrifying trap doesn't mean it's anything other than perfect for you.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)
I honestly couldn't imagine anything better

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:21, Reply)
whereas others feel like scratching their skin off
at the thought of seeing the same face every night and every morning, listening to the same anecdotes about the same work people/job stuff, seeing the same friends in the same pub all the time, having the same routine about shopping and washing and cleaning and joint bank accounts and the same arguments about whose turn it is to buy toilet rolls and...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)
I had no preconceptions
and am genuinely surprised that none of that stuff matters because of the effect she has on me.

vomit inducing I know, but is the truth.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:26, Reply)
bertie was absolutely right
"it takes all sorts" !
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:28, Reply)
Now the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:32, Reply)
vomit inducing?
*Offers Vipros dads slippers*
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:29, Reply)
you're a gent
but it's other who are likely to need them.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:31, Reply)
I agree, even a little dirty talk makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable
and reaching for one's thesaurus while mid-stroke seems to be frowned upon.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)
spontaneous dirty talk is fine
the occasional outburst that couldn't be kept in, but I find the whole thing forced and frankly embarrassing.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
but of course it IS spontaneous
you don't just go "ooh, 7.30am on a monday, time for phone-sex"!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)
just can't see it I'm afraid
great if it has worked for you though!
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)
oh
god

yes
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)
I can do cyber sex but not phone sex.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)
rubbish
... "just tell him what you want to do to him. or what you want him to do to you. or what you think other people might be doing to each other" ...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:06, Reply)
"I've got four fingers up my bumhole now, what are you doing?"

(I helped save b3ta! Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:12, Reply)
oh rory
that's so....

fucking gross.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:18, Reply)
I'm quite the catch me

(I helped save b3ta! Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)
i wouldn't know
BECAUSE YOU NEVER FUCKING GAZ ME WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)

?
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:26, Reply)
hahahahahahahha

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:27, Reply)
*giggles like a loon*

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:18, Reply)
*turns off speakerphone*

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)
'watching Grandstand'

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)
I have trouble saying that in bed, never mind on the phone.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)
hmmm
try a gimp mask and ballgag instead?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:18, Reply)
Hmmmm! better.
I don't mind doing freaky stuff, I just can't discuss it.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:20, Reply)
Ok then, good luck with that.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:55, Reply)
better to be ignored at the outset
the real cunts are the ones who only ignore you AFTER they've slept with you!!

(not that anyone would dare do that to me, i'd sue them)
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:57, Reply)
what about ignoring you while they were sleeping with you?
that's what I'd do.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:00, Reply)
no you wouldn't
you'd be utterly unable to resist making sarky comments.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)
you give yourself too much credit

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:04, Reply)
no, i just know how sarcastic you are
and you wouldn't be able to resist making snarky cracks!!!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:06, Reply)
I'm not actually particularly sarcastic

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
you still wouldn't be able to have sex in total silence
without saying anything at all. you're far too full of it!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:10, Reply)
I think you'd be quite surprised to find out what I'm like

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:15, Reply)

That was very sarcastic
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:12, Reply)
it wasn't

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:15, Reply)
You sarcy bastard

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:21, Reply)
I'LL MOIDER THE PAIR O' YEZ!

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:23, Reply)
to quote jeff....
.... distance is FUCKING BENT.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:51, Reply)
Please don't complain about him being a few hours drive away.
/ac
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:52, Reply)
how do you know it's a him?
homophobe
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:56, Reply)
how do you know it's a hymn?
homophone
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:57, Reply)
i like this
not bad for a total twat.

how are you anyway??
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:00, Reply)
Having a MASSIVE downer this week
but fighting back. You?
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:01, Reply)
i'm very good thanks, hope that doesn't sound insensitive...
work driving me insane, but you can't have everything.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:03, Reply)
Not insensitive at all, I'm pleased for you.
I'll bounce back, I always do.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:05, Reply)
more walking!

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
More drugs!

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:09, Reply)
Definitely, I've been a fucking pig all week.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:09, Reply)
I disagree
I had a long distance girlfriend for a year, so while I only saw her once every 3/4 weeks, it meant I got to play away, with absolutely zero chance of getting caught, it was easy!
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:52, Reply)
This post paints you in a fantastic light

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:54, Reply)
I was an utter cunt when I was younger, aye
But it was fun.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:55, Reply)
Reading this makes me feel very sad, for some reason.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:54, Reply)
it's ok
it's just because it was written by AA.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:55, Reply)
Are you suggesting that in all honesty, whilst AA could have cheated
the likelyhood of someone actually allowing him to play with their fish mitten is so slim that it's of no consequence?
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:57, Reply)
no
i was suggesting that AA makes people sad just by posting. i was just being a bit bitchy really for shits and giggles.

but you've just been much much worse, you callous bastard.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:58, Reply)
*prouds*

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:00, Reply)
it's the thought that not just one, but two or more women
have such low standards that they would make the beast with two backs with AA
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:58, Reply)
*three backs
They were guaranteed to have humps.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:28, Reply)
Presented without comment.
hypervocal.com/news/2011/biggest-vagina-ever-karin-mackaliunas/
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:52, Reply)
o.O

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:53, Reply)
That's AMAZING

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:54, Reply)
It's the $51.22 that gets me
22 CENTS
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:58, Reply)
Why hide that amount of money?
Fair enough if it was thousands, but a few notes and shrapnel?!
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:59, Reply)
I HAVE NO IDEA

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:01, Reply)
....how?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:00, Reply)
Ever stuffed a sleeping bag back into it's drawstring bag?
Like that.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:01, Reply)
I think I'm going to be sick.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)
There's a knack to it
Fist and twist.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:05, Reply)
I usually hold the flaps open and stuff it in with my feet.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:06, Reply)
That can work
But you might lose a sandal. With my method I take my watch off to avoid ripping the opening.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
your other half is a lucky lucky lady

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
I have made myself laugh far too much with that.
Ooh smooth edit.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
ninja fingers

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:11, Reply)
S'alright, doesn't matter.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
My ladyparts just recoiled in horror.
I hope you're happy.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
Judging by the jangle
I'd say you had £8.62 in there.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
I wish
I'm skint.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:09, Reply)
I have a sign on my desk that says JEFF BRIDGES
I made it myself. It's really more like a notepad with JEFF BRIDGES written on it, but it serves me well
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:53, Reply)
Is Jeff your social worker?

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:54, Reply)
I made a series of signs for a meeting
In case they didn't like the one with my name, I had JEFF BRIDGES and GRORTFLAX written on it
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:55, Reply)
Is your name particularly unlikable?

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:56, Reply)
Well they didn't know who I was, and it was in case they saw my name and went 'oh you're that twat'
I had standby names to steal other people's identity
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:59, Reply)
I like this.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:59, Reply)
I figured 'everyone likes Jeff Bridges'

(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:03, Reply)
I certainly do.
Pwhoar!
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
Was it a /talk bash?

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:01, Reply)
Little Theoban fact for you here, just something you can print out and keep in a binder
I have never been to a bash

SHOCKING
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)
Oh, wait, one
But there were only three of us likes, dunno if that counts
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:04, Reply)
Yeah, maybe a mini-bash, I'm a little unclear on the numerical rules.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
I counted it more as 'going down't pub'

(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:12, Reply)
Don't bother.
They're gash!
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:06, Reply)
COME ON MAY YOU CUNT

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
Have I walked into an episode of 'Top Gear' here or something?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:12, Reply)
I had that response in mind when I posted it in the calendar.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
I dunno, one day I reckon I'll travel to meet some folk off here
Ain't much in the way of b3ta people round these parts
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:09, Reply)
Where?

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
HMP Strangeways

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:15, Reply)
A bash, earlier:

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
That girl is too attractive.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
It's a 'real doll'

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:11, Reply)
She sure is swell

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)
My Bird of Prey will violate her neutral zone
if you know what I mean.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:23, Reply)
Didn't you meet bluestar and preference.
That counts as a bash.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
See up there
You're so slow man
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:11, Reply)
I've never been and live in London, where loads go on
I'm afraid everyone will seee me for the horrible freak that i am
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:12, Reply)
Well I imagine the majority of them to be people staring off
All in separate corners of the pub, too scared to talk, until the pub shuts and everyone goes home to wank, silently.
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
So you HAVE been to a bash!

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:15, Reply)
Not silently
have you ever heard the wind howling on a mornful night? Or the desperate cry of lost fox cub?

That's B3ta reaching a climax
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:16, Reply)
I never thought of that.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:55, Reply)
Careful, people might think your name is JEFF BRIDGES

(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:56, Reply)
Does Jeff Bridges have a fan club?

(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:03, Reply)
He does.
And he's on faceybook.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:06, Reply)
Are you a member?

(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:07, Reply)
No.
He does have his own website that is good. I put a comment in the fan book.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
"OMG I LOVE YOU, MARRY ME! MARRY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
??
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:10, Reply)
Yeah! that's about it : )

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:15, Reply)
I tend to get on that level with celebs sometimes but it doesn't last long.
I think my latest was Derek Hough, I used to think he was a massive bender, but seeing him dance Cheryl Cole all over her music video really gave me the horn.
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:16, Reply)
Seeing as my Internet wife is trying to leave me for someone else.
I'd like to share a text message I've just received.

'I dailled ur number at random. me name is jonathon. NO SWEARING. i have asperger its like autism a disability and i been crying abit. i need friends, How r u'

I've yet to reply. Suggestions welcome.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:55, Reply)
Tell him to log on to http://www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1126824

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:55, Reply)
Hahahahahaha!
Ask tourettes. She as an A level in autism.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:56, Reply)
I just Googled the text message
Lots of people have been sent it.

I don't feel very special now.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:57, Reply)
oh but you are
so very special
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:59, Reply)
^this

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:59, Reply)
needs?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:00, Reply)
ur Chrissie Hynde et cetera

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:03, Reply)
Something about Chrissie Hynde really, really annoys me

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
It's the shit voice.
Or maybe the shit songs.

Or the stupid face.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:15, Reply)
do you also hate Blondie and Debbie Harry?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:18, Reply)
Don't like their records at all but I'd give Dirty Harry one even now.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:21, Reply)
She looks like barbie had to go on the game to make ends meet

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:22, Reply)
I think she's a fucking munter
always have.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)
Agreed, bet she's a twat in real life as well

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:25, Reply)
she looks completely soulless
I'd quite like to set her on fire.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:28, Reply)
He's just envious of that fact she has 'brass in her pocket'
And Monty is skint.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:22, Reply)
I think it's the face and hair, on top of the others

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:21, Reply)
"we think its a way of someone hacing your phone if u ring or text it back"
Fucking spastic.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:00, Reply)
No, autistic.
Learn to fucking read.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:03, Reply)
She really does, as well.

(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 17:13, Reply)
Sounds like a joke.
Tell him to join /talk.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:58, Reply)
oops
sorry about that, my finger slipped

/ac
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:58, Reply)
Don't worry Jonathon, you're forgiven.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 13:59, Reply)
Go for it.
How far away is he though?
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:02, Reply)
Near Southampton.
I would go for it but he wants local wimmin innit.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:04, Reply)
Christ if he wants local women from Southampton
you need to AVOID LIKE THE FUCKING PLAGUE.

I got wolf-whistled at from a tower block by a gaggle of Lambrini types last time I was in 'Saa'aamp'n'. It is a hideous place.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:08, Reply)
Near Southampton, not in Southampton.
He's further up.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:09, Reply)
Aha. Winchester perhaps?
In which case, you're fucking dreaming love.


*runs off*
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:10, Reply)
*narrows eyes*

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:11, Reply)
Good idea! Pretend to be Japanese.
You might get a Tsunami sympathy shag.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)
Hahaha!

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:15, Reply)
every word of this is complete truth
well, I don't know about the anecdote, but the conclusion is true
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:09, Reply)
Ok opposite end of the country maybe not :(

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:09, Reply)
Pfft!
My last one lived in America....remember.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:10, Reply)
Yes, we remember.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)
Are you sure you remember?
Because I can recount the whole gut-wrenching, upsetting affair again if you like.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:17, Reply)
Oh yeah.
You'll find someone, bbz. Promise.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
I don't want someone.....I want him.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:19, Reply)
...don't get too fixated, darling :(

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:21, Reply)
It will take the stress off Jeff a bit.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:22, Reply)
hahahahahahahaha

(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)
Saying that will only make her want her Jeff Bridges Clone more
The heart does not follow logic.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:23, Reply)
I don't want him because he looks like Jeff.
The fact he looks like Jeff is just icing on the cake.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:24, Reply)
I wish he was closer to you.

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:27, Reply)
Fanku : )

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:30, Reply)
I managed to focus on only one word there
and so have assumed you mean that you wish he wanted to fuck her like an animal
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:32, Reply)
I'm certain he wants to
But I wish the distance didn't prohibit this for poor Blousie.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:34, Reply)
he may have an inordinately long penis
a barnacle is an animal right?
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:35, Reply)
yes

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:39, Reply)
you want him, you want Jeff
make up your mind!
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:21, Reply)
I don't know what I want, do I Kristine.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:22, Reply)
s'alright love
you're allowed to like more than one person
but honest, best of luck to you
I'm allowed to say that because I'm Irish
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:25, Reply)
were you born in, and have you ever been to Ireland?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:27, Reply)
I'm guessing no

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:28, Reply)
Beware: sweeping generalisation approaching
I find it strange that Americans claim to be irish and such like, despite them not even being one generation removed in some instances, but many more.

That's like me saying I'm a german jew, despite being about 1/8th that at most.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:30, Reply)
ARE YOU IRISH?!
Cause my penis is Dublin
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:33, Reply)
hahaha

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:34, Reply)
Have you got any English in you?
Would you like some?
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:35, Reply)
really you should therefore gas 1/8 of your body

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:34, Reply)
I frequently do

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:34, Reply)
Is your anus equivilant to 1/8th your body weight?

(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:35, Reply)
I was going for either that
or my lungs
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:36, Reply)
*there there*

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:26, Reply)
Thanks Jeff : (

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:26, Reply)
nice touch pal!
best of luck.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:22, Reply)
Get him to go to your bash.
If he doesn't run a mile, marry him then and there. You may start a fight when you pick a best man for him though.
(I helped save b3ta! Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:35, Reply)

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