Evenin' duck ducks
Two contracts in less than two weeks of trading, and a third nailed on.

Why didn't I start working for myself ten years ago? I'd be even richer than I already am by now.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Alt. Worst military leader in history? George McLellan for me, every time.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:48, 99 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

everyone hates you and you were adopted
from pikeys
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:53, Reply)

I sense a degree of negativity here
Verging on the hostile.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:56, Reply)

Dead jealous innit.

( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:59, Reply)

blousie
you know me. What do I have to be jealous about?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:59, Reply)

You haven't DONE IT with loads of different women like TD.

( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:05, Reply)

I'm afraid I haven't "done it" with many different women either

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:07, Reply)

Oh!

( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:08, Reply)

tbh it's still probably more than me

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:09, Reply)

Latex Lucy doesn't count, right?

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:13, Reply)

Pfft! I've probably done it with more women than both of you.














Only two really.
( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:16, Reply)

that's still more than them each
and the equal to them put together
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:25, Reply)

not quite
but it's not far off
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:25, Reply)

Could you express that in a quadrilateral equation?
Where x = TD's frankly moribund sex life and y = national average?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:28, Reply)

no but here's a simple equation
x +9 = y
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:31, Reply)

you are right, that is an equation

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:37, Reply)

You could, but the answer might be a bit "square"!!!

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:06, Reply)

People not on secondment?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:08, Reply)

meh, two and a half weeks left
I can take it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:08, Reply)

in that case I have obviously underdone it
I hate you and am going to kill you and everyone you know
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:59, Reply)

OK
I'll tell you about everyone I know before you kill me - makes sense logistically.

Gas chamber? I expect they're a bugger to build and you'll need planning permission and stuff but it'd be the easiest way.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:04, Reply)

I intended to use my patented all over punching machine
I like the way you have tried to weasel out of it though, and have decided to spare you. For now.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:08, Reply)

I'm not trying to weasel out of anything
I'll quite humbly submit to genocide if you think it's the way forward. Have you got a nice glass of Kool-Aid for me?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:11, Reply)

Wouldn't it be great if all the puppies in the world were happy, and all the boys in the world had a puppy of their own. And all the girls had a kitten, a happy kitten.
Except the boys who likes cats and the girls who likes dogs.... that they had the animal of their prefferance too. And I got to be in a Ray Winstone film too.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:59, Reply)

I've just had a text from a mate who is quite into horse racing.
His tip for today is the aptly-OT-named Ceilidh House running this evening in the 7.40 at Warwick.

horses.sportinglife.com/Racecards/0,12495,438773,00.html

He reckons it's worth an each-way punt, but without my gambling advisor Blousie to give me her view, I'm reluctant to back the horse too heavily.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:59, Reply)

Right.
I've gone a fiver each way.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:04, Reply)

Do it Jeff.
I have a good feeling about this one.
( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:04, Reply)

I've had a punt Blousie.
I got 11/1 and I've stuck a fiver on it each way. You'll find out if it was worthwhile later on.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:05, Reply)

*crosses fingers*

( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:09, Reply)

I actually fancy a flutter myself

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:09, Reply)

There are some fantastic deals around for folk opening online betting accounts at the moment.
www.freebettingonline.co.uk/

Remember to read the terms and conditions though - it is rarely as straight forward as the flashing ad-banner suggests!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:13, Reply)

I do enough gambling with my love life Jeff so I don't want to start chucking money into the equation.

( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:17, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-sMA81txGA
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:20, Reply)

Exactly!!

( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:22, Reply)

Were you a fan of the series?
I loved it when it was on.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:23, Reply)

No! can't say that I was.
I can't remember it to be honest.
( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:26, Reply)

that sort of thing is just asking for trouble for me
this £5 each way is a break from the norm, and am only doing it because I have some spare cash from my bonus and my gut is telling me to do it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:24, Reply)

I did as well
using the free bet
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:25, Reply)

OK, I've done it... donno what this means though.
13 Jun 11 / 19:38 Single (EW) 1 7:40 Warwick – Win Ceilidh House @ Guaranteed Price (14/1) 3@1/5 – £20.00 –
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:41, Reply)

How do I see the race?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:46, Reply)

Did I win?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:47, Reply)

horse came in 3rd
I'm at a loss to know what this means. Betting confuses and scares me.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:48, Reply)

HURRY UP JEFF, TELL US IF WE WON ANY MONEY
I did it via Will Hill if that helps.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:50, Reply)

you should have got something
if you put an each way bet on
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:51, Reply)

If you bet each way Gonz then you're a winner.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:53, Reply)

Oh boy ! What have I won?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:54, Reply)

OMG OMG OMG
£42.00
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:55, Reply)

nice!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:55, Reply)

That's the new Zelda game paid for at the end of this week =D

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:56, Reply)

Glad you're putting the money to good use Gonz! :)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:05, Reply)

I was planning to take the mrs out for dinner at the weekend anyway
and every little helps!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:07, Reply)

Oh man, I decided to do the live roulette and went up'n'down and am now on £35
That's it for me.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:14, Reply)

Thank you =D

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:55, Reply)

bear in mind that £20 was your original stake
so you won £22. still good though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:56, Reply)

Yup, deffo.
Well happy.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:58, Reply)

It means that half of your stake was placed on the horse finishing in the first 3.
(Assuming you bet each-way) making you a WINNER!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:51, Reply)

So I get back a tenner?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:53, Reply)

How comes my 'main balance' is still 0?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:54, Reply)

it took a little while to update mine

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:55, Reply)

It depends how much you put on.
A each-way bet is made up of two parts. Half of your bet is betting on the horse to 'win' and the other half of your money is betting on the horse to 'place' (in this case, as there were 10 horses running, the bookies pay out on the first 3 past the post) based on the horse finishing 3rd, you'll get one quarter of the odds for the portion of your bet that is allocated on the horse getting placed.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:55, Reply)

I don't seem to be able to find the results very easily

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:56, Reply)

www.sportinglife.com/racing/news/

Then select 'fast results' from the frame on the left.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:57, Reply)

Cheers
stuck a couple of pounds on Madame Boot in 8.40
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:00, Reply)

It's a slipperly slope from here Amberl.
(I'll text my mate and see what he thinks of your selection)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:01, Reply)

I have a few pounds left in the account
so if he has any extraordinary tips pass them on. I've already set my limit on the acocunt, so after tonight I'll close it down. No harm in being careful
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:08, Reply)

This is too much like maths.
I hate maths.
( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:58, Reply)

www.bettingcalculator.co.uk/
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:59, Reply)

Numbers scare me Jeff.
Which is funny when your work involves accounts.
( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:00, Reply)

That fellow who armed his men with Cardigans and Balaclava helmets,
then had them advance a league and a half (4 1/2 miles) and back (9 miles) in order to prove that someone had thundered the wrong order. That wouldn't look good on anyone's CV.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 18:59, Reply)

If that bloody poet - tenalady or whatever
Hadn't been hanging about he'd have got away with it, too.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:08, Reply)

Oh and Wooooo! for the contracts.

( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:10, Reply)

Thanks
They're not big money - maybe £300 a month max each - but it proves that there's a market. I've not even started selling in Leeds yet, so I reckon I'll do OK.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:24, Reply)

I know you told me at the party but I was drunk and I've forgotton what it is. I do know it's something to do with housing.
Sorry! *looks sheepish*
( girlinthehole, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:25, Reply)

Doing that thing
where you go in and itemise/checklist the furniture in rented houses. Or something.
(berk, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:28, Reply)

That's how I remember it.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:29, Reply)

That's the one
This is me:-

www.sheridanlandlordservices.co.uk

Kindly don't fuck about and send responses on the contact form, eh?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:31, Reply)

Would we?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:41, Reply)

What are you selling?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:26, Reply)

Alright The Disappointed
Glad to hear your new work is going well.

Alt. McLellan had Lincoln on his back and he was facing general Lee. He was always going to be crap. I'd go with general Percival and the debacle of Singapore.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:26, Reply)

And in turn.
general lee had Roscoe P. Coltrane on his back.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRX4mlFi06A
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:34, Reply)

You puncture pomposity like a pointy thing in a balloon shop Jeff
Never ever ever stop.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:37, Reply)

Percival did do a lot of dithering
But McLellan could have taken the peninsula campaign with the forces he had.

He was fucked over by McGruder who marched his Confederate forces round and round in a circle, convincing McLennan that he was facing a far bigger force.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:35, Reply)

You really shouldn't dither in the face of the enemy.
There are loads of rubbish commanders though. Mashall Nez had a good deal of responsibility for losing Waterloo for the frogs.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:41, Reply)

Not really into Napoleonic, I'm afraid.
War of 1812 I can talk about, especially the most magnificently named British sea captain ever, Robert Poo Beresford. Good job he was killed before he produced any offspring.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:47, Reply)

The result of the 7.40 at Warwick is in.
Warwick 7.40

1st 2 Timepiece 11-8 F
2nd 11 Sea Of Heartbreak (IRE) 6-1
3rd 1 Ceilidh House 16-1

Turns out Ceilidh House started at 16s, so a place with a £5.00 E/W stake should net you a return of £25.00
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:47, Reply)

I took the odds at 11:1 foolishly
so have net a colossal £18.75

better than a kick in the teeth though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:50, Reply)

this means that my betting on horse racing has a 100% success rate so far
with a win on the grand national last year, and this outing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:52, Reply)

I tipped the National Winner on here as well!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:52, Reply)

didn't put anything on this year
only did last year because I was walking past a bookie at the appropriate time and was with someone else who fancied it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:53, Reply)

I use Paddy Power and they've got some sort of 'best price' thing in place
www.paddypower.com/bet/best-price-guaranteed?promo=news_GuaranteedValue&crea=lnk
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:52, Reply)

that seems like a sensible way to go about it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:57, Reply)

There is nothing sensible about betting Vipros. NOTHING
(Except when we win!)

I've got to say, when you, Amberl and Gonz all reported having a flutter I suddenly felt really guilty/responsible and I immediately wished I hadn't posted anything.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:59, Reply)

haha
I wouldn't have done it if I didn't fancy it and didn't have a bit of spare cash.

it worked out fine though, so all is good.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:00, Reply)

Oh, don't get me wrong. If the horse had lost I'd have got over the guilt very quickly.
But people don't usually follow my advice in anything, so it came as a bit of a shock to see people having a punt!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:04, Reply)

understandable
can't speak for the others but I had a real urge to put the bet on. No idea why. Never have before!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:06, Reply)

Bastards
I don't gamble - ever - and you've all copped for lots of money.

I'm not going for Jeff's next one because it'll have three legs.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:15, Reply)

I wouldn't call it 'lots'
I need to be careful though, I fucking love gambling, so I have to make myself not do it.

I could lose a lot of money playing poker
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:16, Reply)

More money than you had before
I have an almost sanctimonious opposition to gambling - don't know why because I smoke and drink and do other things injurious to health.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:21, Reply)

it's alright
I rarely gamble. A very occasional lottery ticket. I was put off when I once bet five euros that France would win the rugby thing several years back.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 20:01, Reply)

I only put 2.50 on each way I think
so I got £6.88. Luckily I used the free bet so I'm £6.88 up
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 19:50, Reply)