What do you have to celebrate?
I am sticking the mother-in-law on a train home this morning, which means I can enjoy being with my wife and daughter without interference. This is definitely a reason to celebrate.

ALT: What do you wish you could celebrate that you can't?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:28, 72 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Alt: Germany winning WWII

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:30, Reply)

Morning you great inflated penile wart.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:39, Reply)

Yes, it is morning.
Well spotted, you simian-browed horse molester.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:42, Reply)

Get. A. Room.

(McChinaman banned, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Why would we want a Loom
Chinese racism lols.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:50, Reply)

Fuck off Chinky

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:00, Reply)

*kung fu's Monty, making screechy noises*

(McChinaman banned, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Alt: the material riches my wit and intellect should have acquired me

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:33, Reply)

So 3p then.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:39, Reply)

Hannukah.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Alt: the bizarre death of a Mr David Jones of Bromley,
found in the grounds of his mansion by his supermodel shemale wife, with a massive bot dog rammed down his throat
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:34, Reply)

You do realize his death will spew forth a tidal wave of retrospectives.

( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:37, Reply)

I have been stockpiling grenades for the past three years with this in mind

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:38, Reply)

Not aware of this. Link please.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:07, Reply)

One year and one month of a steady loving relationship.
And winning Miss World.
( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:36, Reply)

Twas my birthday yesterday
but I'm celebrating tonight!
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:40, Reply)

Happy birthday old boy.
Have a belter this evening.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Shall do
I'm off to my brothers to drink a bottle of 18 year old scotch and then going to see 3 bands at least one of which will be good.
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:44, Reply)

Which bands?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:53, Reply)

Bands you will never have heard of
TUNK supported by The Money Shot and Goonfarm
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:59, Reply)

An 18 year old mixed up with coke?
Sounds like my kind of night!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:58, Reply)

Mix?
Get off my internet.
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:59, Reply)

The only thing to add to good whisky
Is more whisky. Amirite?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:00, Reply)

And some 18 year old girls on coke

( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Not to worry, I just wanted to shoehorn that joke in
If I mix, I drink crap whisky while I do it, and only mix with Ginger ale.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:00, Reply)

I mix nasty whisky with ginger wine
Whisky Mack.
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Are you my mother?
This is also her preferred method.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Yes son
Now go do your homework.
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Awwww mu-um.
*slams door*
*stomps up the stairs*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Never tried that
However, a double fireball with ginger ale and a slice of lime is wonderful.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Splendid. How are you celebrating?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:41, Reply)

He's celebrating by bringing your mother-in-law back round to yours tonight,
to stay for six months. It was my idea.

Wit and intellect, you see?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:42, Reply)

No I don't see any wit or intellect to this post.
The thought of her coming back for 6 minutes let alone 6 months has me reaching for my hunting knife.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:45, Reply)

My daughter's Greek grandmother
was instrumental in my not seeing my daughter for four months after she was born. There are few people I hate more - in fact, I think it's just you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:47, Reply)

Fucking greeks. Can't manage an economy, make shit wine and interfere in families. Cunts the lot of them.
You see your daughter regularly now though don't you? Thought that had all settled down for you?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:49, Reply)

Actually it's pretty good these days thank God.
I'm seeing her tomorrow night, and staying over. On Monday morning she starts nursery.

I can't believe it. It's attached to a primary school so she has to wear a uniform and everything, it's like she's starting school already. I feel rather emotional about this.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:53, Reply)

A school in London?
Have you bought her her first blade in preparation?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:55, Reply)

Yup.
I've told her I want three iPhones a day or I'll beat her.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Ask her to get me an iPad please.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:07, Reply)

£50 sound OK?
It might have a bit of blood on it...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:10, Reply)

It's a milestone - understandable to feel emotional. Get lots of pictures of her on her first day to embarrass her with when she's older.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:56, Reply)

This is the plan.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Mother in laws are easy to handle
just give them a good shagging, it loosens them right up in more ways than one. That's what I do when my wife's mother comes over.
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:45, Reply)

*boaks*
If she took her clothes off she would need ironing.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:47, Reply)

Saggy minge?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:47, Reply)

Prolapsed minge probably

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:49, Reply)

Learn to love it
because that is what your wife will look like in a few years.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:51, Reply)

This is true
My mother in law was a model in her youth so I reckon I'm going to be ok.
( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

My mother was stunning as a young women, unfortunatley I take after my dad.

( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:05, Reply)

I got the bad bits off both
short legs from my dad instead of long ones from my mum, and my mum's nose instead of my dad's.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Actually my dad was a handsome man in his yoof.
He would have had to have been to pull my mum.
( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Same here.
I've got my dad's tits and my mother's penis.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Fucking Hell
Today's earworm is now Goldie Looking Chain. Thanks for that.


Although I suppose it has at least knocked 'My name's Jack and I live in the back of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls' out of my head for the first time since I woke up...oh...no...it's back...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:22, Reply)

"come here and suck mummy's cock"

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Alt: I'd like to celebrate my retirement
instead of slogging on with the daily grind for another 30+ years
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:52, Reply)

I am celebrating the imminence of the weekend by wasting my time on B3ta and other nonproductive websites

(McChinaman banned, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:58, Reply)

For some unknown reason,
whilst unable to sleep last night, a nursery rhyme popped into my head, one that my mother taught me as a child. It is so spectacularly racist I think it merits posting in full:

All together now, children!

'Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief;
Taffy came to my house and stole a piece of beef;
I went to Taffy's house, Taffy wasn't home;
Taffy came to my house and stole a marrow-bone.

I went to Taffy's house, Taffy was in bed,
I took the marrow bone and beat about his head.
I went to Taffy's house, Taffy was not in;
Taffy came to my house and stole a silver pin.
I went to Taffy's house, Taffy was in bed;
I took up a poker and threw it at his head'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 8:59, Reply)

It's not racist if it's against the Welsh

( Peej, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:00, Reply)

Or the blacks

(McChinaman banned, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:05, Reply)

This is fucking superb.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Not to mention violent.

( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:03, Reply)

That's...
yes...very...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:07, Reply)

Hahaha
my mother said that as well.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I wish I'd had your mother.
oh wait, that sounds all sorts of wrong.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Daddy!

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Chips.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I went to the hairdresser yesterday
and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.

So the hairdresser gave me a cushion to sit on.

LOL!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:22, Reply)

"Lionel Blair doesn't have his hair cut like that!"
"He does if he comes here!"
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:29, Reply)

'Ning.
de-ris for our younger readers: Time for a Cool, Sharp Harp
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 9:43, Reply)

What a hideous 'beer' that was.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I don't have anything particulatly to celebrate
I do however have a bag of party poppers sdtashed at work just in case.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)