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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I'm trying to send this email, but you can only email the company if you have an account.... I'll get a real address on monday.To whom it may concern,
Today I was rather bored, so decided to wonder around my new local shopping precinct of Enfield Town. I have only just moved into the area after purchasing my first flat, it is a lovely one-bedroom-one-office sized flat, it is a lovely flat, perfect for one, just a stone’s throw from Enfield Chase train station. Ok, an Olympian’s stone throwing, but never the less, a stone’s throw.
On walking around, I saw a fantastic shop full of lava lamps and things with LEDs in, which I’m quite attracted too. One of the many items of wonder there was various ashtrays, for you see, I am a smoker. It’s a horrific habit, very costly not only financially but also health wise. When I was 17 I had a house party while my parents were away, and that was the evening when I started smoking. My mother always smoked and I saw it has a terrible habit, but I was hooked on the cause texture the smoke generates in my mouth, along with the relaxed feeling I once felt. It wasn’t too expensive at the time, about £3 for a 20 pack; I could even afford B&H and Marlboros. I had just started my first job as a web developer, I wasn’t very good, but I liked the smoking breaks with the older and bigger members of the team.
One rainy day home, I lived in Cockfosters at the time and worked in Potter’s Bar, I had £5 in my pocket and my mother asked me to buy her some smokes on the way home, this was not a problem because a packet was less than that back then. While waiting for the bus, I fancied one of these cigarettes, it was the first time I had ever had one on my own, I don’t know why I fancied one back then, I remember it was raining, and if I knew the addiction that would take hold, I would never have lit up. This was when the stupidity took over, for you see, on presenting the cigarettes to my mother, it was no longer a full packet. After a talk, I was an adult ready to make my own decisions, and truth be told, I enjoyed after work sitting with my mother, chatting and jawing, both of us smoking away in the kitchen.
Cut forward 15 years, and I’m back at the wondrous shop full of LEDs and lavalamps, and I see some ashtrays. A lot of them contain illicit drug paraphernalia, which is something I’m not really into. Please don’t take that as an insult if you enjoy “The Devil’s Weed” as it can be called, it wouldn’t surprise me with the quality of your product, but that is not something I wish to portray to my houseguests. It was then I saw the “Extinguishing Ashtray; Butt Bucket”. I thought a prayer has been answered, as it claims to
- Remove Odours
- Contains Smoke
- Keeps Butts out of Sight
- Extinguishes Cigarettes.
Wow, this is the kind of ashtray I want in my home, this ashtray looks like a castle, and a man’s home is his castle. That’s it, I’m getting one. I should buy more, but there are plenty in stock and there isn’t plenty left in my stock-funds, I you know what I mean.
I just got home from my shopping trip, and I thought I would take this bad-boy out for a spin, so I put my shopping away, got myself a glass of Robinsons, and lit up. My mind was elsewhere, watching the latest The Planet of the Apes movie (I like apes, and they feature heavily in this film, I don’t know how they got them to do all that stuff though, if you could help me find out, that would be great), anyway, I was watching the film when I smelt a chemical smell, I look around but see nothing. I then take the cigarette and inhale only for it to taste peculiar, thankfully I didn’t fully inhale as I usually do that time, as I have no idea what all those chemicals that are not part of the cigarette would do to me, but I can’t imagine it being anything good. I then looked down at the ashtray to see a hole in the roof part!
If I had not had my wits about me, I could have burnt down the entire block of flats I live in.
I strongly suggest you recall this product publicly, or at least, recall its batch number. It is not fit for purpose, and as such, violates my statutory rights. I would also suggest it is a health and fire hazard. Please respond within one week or I shall put this letter into the public domain.
If you wish for photographic evidance, you may see so here: bit.ly/w48rSi
Kind Regards,
- Paul Silver
- [email protected]
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:34,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Top of the fucking world mate, top of the world.I fucking love my flat, check my facebook for pictures, fucking amazing. I got some kitchen tripple-bar-shelves put up and they're amazing.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:41,
Reply)
Good, had a lovely day with my daughterpub lunch and hendricks gin for supper
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:45,
Reply)
You gave your daughter gin?At least she'll sleep.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:46,
Reply)
3 nights in a row she has slept throughit's brilliant but has fucked up my body clock
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:47,
Reply)
you should write a bookgeriatrics and babies: cleaning up the piss
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:52,
Reply)
And the sick.Don't forget the sick. Or is that just dogs?
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:00,
Reply)
Sounds like good saturdaying right there.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:57,
Reply)
wouldn't know how to find you!glad it's working out for you
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:44,
Reply)
Add me !www.facebook.com/mrpsilver
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:55,
Reply)
would do, but as 18th in line to the throne I like to stay annonymous(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:56,
Reply)
Wassamatta, Homes?We not good enough for you?
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:59,
Reply)
Well, fuck you, then.Fuck you right in the FACE!
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:00,
Reply)
Damn, all I was gonna do is knock one out over women with the same sirname.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:04,
Reply)
If we're not good enough fpor youwe don't need you.
So there.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:09,
Reply)
Silly sausage, he's missing out on all the lawlz.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:10,
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cheeky bugger, the wife is still on her maiden name on there anyway, so naah!(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:05,
Reply)
Would you rather I knock one out to your wife or sister?As someone who has never had eaither, I couldn't really tell what would be worst out of the two.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:11,
Reply)
only child innit, you could only wack off ove rme...(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:15,
Reply)
this may be the perviest thread in b3ta history, and the one wth the most ellipses...(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:18,
Reply)
ummmHaven't you just put this letter in the public domain BEFORE the week you said you'd give them?
Naughty, naughty.
In other news, I have jeffaids and can barely swallow. To ease the pain, I'm taking day nurse and getting drunk.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:44,
Reply)
Night Nurse is the only Over The Counter that I know of that can get me nicely fucked./ac
Oh b3th, is anyone looking after you? I'd totally dress up in a hawt nurse's uniform for you.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:54,
Reply)
Hah, yeah', I am, but hopefully nobody'll copy it.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:54,
Reply)
NoHis lordship has gone to bed for a sleep. It's just me and the dog here. And all this lovely, lovely alcomahol.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 19:59,
Reply)
Biscuit..He's the best kind of dog there is.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:01,
Reply)
I think there's a picture of him in my profilebut I'm too drunk to go check.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:03,
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Sad Times, I reckon for all this hard work you do for him over the years, he should at least allow _one_ extramaritale affair.Not saying that you should use it up on me, but if you did happen too, it'd totally make my year.
0o0o0oh, by the way, I got a new bed, true story, we should totally give it a test-drive.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:07,
Reply)
I'll be there in half an hour.Put the kettle on.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:10,
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Sounds like a deal ! I'll pop round the 'rose* and get some non-poncy tea-bags.Unless you want to also be like the women in the storm on the twinnings advert.
* Do you think that is a good short-name for Waitrose? Wait' or 'rose ? Or not bother.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:13,
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I had teh best tea ever at the chinese restaurant last night.The woman said it was Chinese tea with jasmine. It was really, really nice. I got some green tea with jasdmine today at morrisons, but I have tried it yet, so I don't know if it's the same.
Also, our Morrisons has spome of teh letters on its sign unlit, but not the right ones, so I can't take a RIS picture.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:16,
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Also alsoMan, I am so fucking drunk. I didn't think I'd had that much, but then I remembered I'd onlyt had one meal today, so it might be affecting me more than usual.
On the p[lus side, I'm happy and my throat doesn't hurt quite so much.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:19,
Reply)
Shall I have another gin? Is that what you're telling me?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:20,
Reply)
woah - drunk b3th!(
Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 20:38,
Reply)
YAY DRUNK B3TH !(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 21:44,
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Niice ! There is a tunisian tea that only tastes good in tunisia, but it's like a really sweet (almost syrupy sweet) mint called Haback or something like that.fucking well lush drinking that under the desert stars.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 21:44,
Reply)
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