Alt: you could be me.
I have spent the past two days being accused of stealing my daughter's birth certificate from my ex's house. She can give me no explanation as to a possible motive for doing such a thing. This is because short of ' I am an insane kleptomaniac who wants to sabotage my daughter's school applications', there isn't one. But this has been going back and forth for two days, calls, texts etc. Were I a religious man I would be thinking that this fucking woman has been sent to test me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:12, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

You probably ran out of rizzlas.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:13, Reply)

I once ripped a page out of my passport to make a wrap.
Then all the other pages fell out and I had to get it replaced. Great days.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:17, Reply)

Ha ha,
right I'll remember not to do that
(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:18, Reply)

Did you get much £ for the certificate?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:14, Reply)

Jus a 'ten bag' of 'brown'.
Enough to last me five minutes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:16, Reply)

If you were a religious man you wouldn't have nicked it though

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:16, Reply)

TELL THAT TO THE PEOPLE OF PALESTINE YEAH????

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:18, Reply)

I shall
*opens Palestinian phone book*
*dials*

Hello, is that Abraham A. Aardvark? Monty Boyce wouldn't have nicked his daughter's birth certificate if he was a religious man. Long story. Well, if you've got a minute... I don't know why he's not a religious man, it certainly would have averted this unfortunate situation with his ex. I know, I know. Yes, I'll give him your Rabbi's details, most generous. Thank you for your time. Bye now. Bye.

*dials*

Hello, is that Abraham B. Aardvark?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:22, Reply)

*clicks*

( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:24, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:27, Reply)

Oh dear. Inaccuracies. Palestine doesn't exist and
if it did, it would be the Arabic Muslim community in the region and so wouldn't have Rabbis.

Foxo, you are such a terrible racist.
( Kroney, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:29, Reply)

He's so racist Mabazritchie is scared of him.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:33, Reply)

Plus all the Aarons in that part of the world
are going to be dead pissed off that they weren't alerted to your birth certificate stealing crimes.
( Kroney, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:36, Reply)

WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE AARONS?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:41, Reply)

Menkle woman is menkle.

( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:18, Reply)

It's so fucking depressing.
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HELPED LOOK FOR HER SCHOOL, YOU'RE A SHIT DAD.

Err, you told me twice in writing in the past four weeks that you were leaving London.

WE'RE HAVING TO MOVE HOUSE, AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HELPED LOOK FOR A FLAT

Eh? It's your fucking house - and if you, a single mum on the sick, have not spent the past 3.5 years on housing association and council lists because you're a delusional snob, that's your tough shit

YEAH WELL YOU'VE NICKED HER PASSPORT etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:23, Reply)

You'd best give it back, Monty.
A joke's a joke, but you're taking it a bit far. Primary school is so important to their future development. All that groundwork in advanced mathematics etc.
( Kroney, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:26, Reply)

You're right.
Soz everyone.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:32, Reply)

Christ alive
how do you put up with that witch?
(berk, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:38, Reply)

By her holding all the cards and by my having no choice whatsoever but to swallow anything and everything she throws at me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:40, Reply)

But...but...she's so obviously off her fucking rocker
that's a really shit fucking deal. Sorry to state the blindingly obvious here. It's just that I'm perfectly aware that she's a lolmental and then you'll come out with something so utterly, bafflingly preposterous that I've no choice but to think, 'well, wow. She could lick every window on the Gherkin and still have mental left over...'
(berk, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:45, Reply)

You have a delightful turn of phrase
and I cannot tell you how helpful it is to me to have someone unconnected with this shit on a day-to-day basis tell me that I am not going mad and it really is fucking unbelievable.

At the end of this most recent barrage she came out with

'PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME UNLESS IT'S ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:48, Reply)

We are talking proper pants-on-head-say-wibble, here
Why the fuck would you steal her passport? Why the fuck would you want to text that absolute basketcase and get an earful of abuse unless it was about your daughter anyway? Jesus!
(berk, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:53, Reply)

These were my questions.
Answers came there none.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:54, Reply)

At least, from what I know
your little 'un is turning out to be awesome and nothing like her mother.
(berk, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:58, Reply)

She makes it all worthwhile.
That innoccuous sentence really is actually an immense endorsement when you think what 'it all' actually entails.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 18:00, Reply)

Anyway, see ya - I'm off home x

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 18:02, Reply)

Tell her
That if she doesn't get her act together, I'm gonna buy you that George the Bear outfit and chain you to a crane by one of the Olympic venues.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:53, Reply)

*prays she continues to be menkle*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:54, Reply)

Thinking about it
George was a couple of grand, I wonder if it can be rented?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:58, Reply)

For cash, with a bogus contact address?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:59, Reply)

I don't know if he is still for sale.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 18:01, Reply)

How
Convenient that you enjoy swallowing more than anything else.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 12 Jan 2012, 17:47, Reply)