I was walking down an alleyway this morning between two buildings
It was dimly lit and without exits aside from either end. As I entered I noticed a robin staring at me from the far end. As I stepped forward the robin hopped towards me, I stopped, he stopped, I walked, he hopped towards me his beady eye, cold and unblinking boring into me. We came to a Mexican stand off just a foot apart, I went to circumnavigate the avian menace but as my frosty brogue lifted from the ground he pounced and in a flurry of feathers and needle sharp beaks he flew at my face. I took evasive action and the little red breasted shit skimmed over my head and took up a perch nearby, mocking me.

What's with the fucking birds these days? When we're you last attacked by an animal?

Alt: cold isn't it?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 7:56, 107 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Hahahahaha
AlfredHitchcocklolz
Actually Robins are right evil cunts so are Ladybirds Trufax
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:08, Reply)

irds oys

Had a bit of a confusing holiday romance that time you went to Thailand, yeah?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:13, Reply)

Do ladyboys have evil cunts?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:13, Reply)

You tell me HH.
You're the traumatised one here.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:16, Reply)

Yea Gadds

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:17, Reply)

Dear Jesus
I know you're only a baby and all that but come on now, even you know that 'were' doesn't have a fucking apostrophe slap bang in the middle of it.

Don't you? Please say you do.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:12, Reply)

iPhone issues innit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:55, Reply)

I was walking home from school once and saw some kind of bird of prey
savaging a pigeon right in the middle of my street. It was actually quite distressing to watch.

Alt: Lusty and I have a friend from the Yukon: it is something like -30 there so hush yo' mouth.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:15, Reply)

A tiny bit of ground frost and everyone starts on the driving Miss Daisy tip,
It taken me 25 Mins. Yes a whole 25 FUCKING MINS TO DRIVE TO WORK.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:17, Reply)

AT ONE POINT, RIGHT, IT WAS SO COLD THERE WAS FROST AND I HAD TO WEAR GLOVES!!!
IN NORTHERN EUROPE!!! IN WINTER!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:18, Reply)

Fuck man, the weather god's really hate you

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:18, Reply)

SE'SLY.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:19, Reply)

Have you thought about converting?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:19, Reply)

I don't even have an attic so it's not really an option for me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:20, Reply)

A Velux window is not just for Christmas

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:21, Reply)

People just don't think about the committment
and then by the middle of January, when the decorations are down and all you have is 6 months of crippling debt and gout, thousands of Velux windows end up abandoned and often put down. Makes me sick.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:22, Reply)

We should set up a Chugger campaign
On the plight of roof lights if we use the right pitch and make it transparent the pane they go through I’m sure it would shatter most peoples illusion’s
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:29, Reply)

Oh bravo!

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:59, Reply)

Please don't encourage him.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:01, Reply)

Fucking hell nakers,
Bullied by a shit Christmas bird.

I had a similar stare down with a badger a couple of weeks back. Except it ran off instead if attacking me. Funny little things bashers, nothing like that farthing wood program at all.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:23, Reply)

Alright, young Winders?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:25, Reply)

Yeah,
Little hairy on the drive home last night. Ice everywhere, rear wheel drive car. Felt like a shit rally driver.
How are you?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:28, Reply)

Rear wheel drive cars in snow are fucking scary

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:30, Reply)

I did it last year in the snow,
Poo on my seat.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:57, Reply)

Not bad thanks.
Today's the first day in about five where I've not woken up in a hall of my own making so I'm feeling pretty fucking chipper actually.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:37, Reply)

Hall? Couldn't you make it as far as your bed?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:38, Reply)

No.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:44, Reply)

You've been building vestibules for the last month?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:38, Reply)

I am Beowulf. Don't tell anyone.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:44, Reply)

i know you meant hell.
Also, how do you feel about stoner rock gods clutch?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:58, Reply)

I like Clutch

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:00, Reply)

london gig? january?
Do it.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:33, Reply)

The only thing I know of them is their name and that they exist. (or did at some point)
I am fairly certain I've never actually heard a note of theirs, if I am honest. Should I like them?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:00, Reply)

I dunno, check em out,
Possibility of a private bar over looking the stage for their gig in London in January.

I think they are the bees knees.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:23, Reply)

I Loved 'Electric worry'

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:32, Reply)

good shout.
Robot hive/exodus is my favourite. And beale street was pretty good too. They are incredible live.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:34, Reply)

my hamster bit my ear last week.
It went all the way through. Was pretty painful actually.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:27, Reply)

you have a fucking hamster?
Are you a 12 year old girl?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:29, Reply)

(only on the weekends)

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:30, Reply)

yes I do.
I am a 32 year old man. They are great pets.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:30, Reply)

do am
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:32, Reply)

I'm surprised it didn't just stroll casually through your 'flesh tunnels',
and swing like a child at the park from your ludicrous piercings.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:31, Reply)

I don't have flesh tunnels.
And I only have my eyebrow and both ears pierced. On show anyway.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:33, Reply)

By your own admission you are 32 years old.
Have a fucking word with yourself.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:34, Reply)

I'm not sure what you're getting at.
You're nearly 40 and dress like some sort of roadie from the 70s. Equally as ridiculous.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:37, Reply)

I'm getting at the fact that you look like some Darth-style woofter from 'Skins' and you should know better by now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:40, Reply)

hardly.
Both earlobes and one eyebrow. Hardly mincetastically Darthoid, is it?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:44, Reply)

I'm afraid so.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:45, Reply)

:'(

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:52, Reply)

You know your problem, Monty?
Well do you?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:52, Reply)

I don't have any 'flesh tunnels'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:59, Reply)

No
Your problem is that you're so poor you can't afford flesh tunnels.

This is funny because it's witty and original, like your insult was.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:04, Reply)

Cheer up m8!

Oh.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:09, Reply)

Actually, that has helped
The fact that you resorted to text speak reminds me that I'm better than you.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:16, Reply)

Whatever helps bbz x

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:18, Reply)

FFS Nakers
Robins can be territorial and aggressive, but they're only 4 inches high. Were you wearing red and acting like a tit or something?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:29, Reply)

A mexican standoff is when three or more people have each other covered with projectile weapons.
I think you might be a little confused. Have you considered heavy medication to the point of death?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:30, Reply)

If Nakers here was a lightbulb you'd bought you would take him back as a 'dud'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:36, Reply)

Hahaha you got mugged off by a tiny bird
This must be how Jordan's ex-husbands feel, all 3 million of them
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:50, Reply)

I'm the only one in my house right now who hasn't been sick or had the runs.
I feel as though there is an inevitability to how my day may pan out.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:03, Reply)

Yeah cool one, cheers.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:07, Reply)

'PAN' out yeah!!! I GET THIS JOKE!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:08, Reply)

Hate to say it but there's a lot of it about!
Food-related possibly?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:08, Reply)

NO SHE WENT OF HER OWN ACCORD
Or something.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:11, Reply)

Get some anti-shit-yourself pills from boots
And start praying.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:29, Reply)

...while sat on the bog, just in case...

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:36, Reply)

Yet another shit thread at the start of the day.
Well done Nakers. You cripple.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:29, Reply)

So far Nakers has been attacked by a Pigeon a Moorhen and a Robin in the last few days
Is this leading up to the world’s longest shaggy dog story?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:30, Reply)

"I don't know why he swallowed a fly?"
Perhaps he'll die
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:34, Reply)

I'm hoping he will graduate from small birds to a sabre toothed tiger.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:35, Reply)

I hope it's voiced by cumugendly funny man Dennis O'Leary

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:45, Reply)

Is he anything like Dennis Leary?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:03, Reply)

hey man,
Give the guy a break, he can't help it. It's like kicking a downs child for killing his hamster by hugging it too hard.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:30, Reply)

*hugz 4 U*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:36, Reply)

Please don't dribble on me.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:40, Reply)

It's not Nakers' fault that Wilf broke the internet yesterday.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:34, Reply)

You, of all people, are white knighting Nakers? Fucking hell. Hell must have finally frozen over.
Mind you, Wilf is an utter cunt.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:35, Reply)

I love Nakers really.
He's the best bent spastic on here.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:41, Reply)

this^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:48, Reply)

He’s got a lot to answer for that Wilf.

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:41, Reply)

monty is my hero

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:41, Reply)

I told you it was cold

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Proper fucking 'mare getting into work this morning.
Sheet ice everywhere, cars in ditches, old ladies falling over, the lot.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:47, Reply)

this needs a comedy '70s soundtrack

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:50, Reply)

Where do you live?
Did no one teach the people near you how to drive to the conditions?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:50, Reply)

It would seem not, no
Proper black ice everywhere today
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:53, Reply)

Racist

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:53, Reply)

The old ladies falling over has something to do with Sporto's use of Rohypnol on them.

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:53, Reply)

I did violate her slightly when picking her up off the floor, yes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:55, Reply)

slightly when picking her up off the floor, yes so much I penetrated her liver
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:06, Reply)

She fackin' laved it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:07, Reply)

New fucking thread, do keep up

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:08, Reply)

I have a theory.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:49, Reply)

I am interested in hearing this theory.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:50, Reply)

I'm pretty sure its worth its own thread,
But I haven't time at the moment. I think I'll wait till after lunch when I have got some work done and been to the bank.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:52, Reply)

Splendid.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:52, Reply)

what's it about you big tease?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:54, Reply)

about the internet.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:06, Reply)

of?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Is it shed related?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:06, Reply)