don't pretend you've all got lives
i'm stuck at work tonight because i had a long client lunch. who's going to entertain me? do you know any shit jokes?

alt: have you ever given anything up and stuck at it? what and why?

altalt: sigh. dinner?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:30, 79 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I've got the hump
because I'm not at a posh work do. Well, posh-ish. Better than a carvery, at any rate.
( Kroney, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:32, Reply)

i can't believe you didn't like my toe-ney joke

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:32, Reply)

Meh

( Kroney, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:34, Reply)

also why are you crying about missing the party?
you went last year. you said it was shit.

then you BROKE MY FRIEND'S HEART.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:41, Reply)

I'd be alright about going if I didn't somebody else who was going
and sending me texts about how great it is and pictures of her damned dress.

Your friend was fucking nuts. I'd break her heart all over again.
( Kroney, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:55, Reply)

I'd stick a rat up her fanny and kick her down a flight of stone steps

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:56, Reply)

that's what got him into this mess

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:07, Reply)

's what got him into this mess was his first mistake
(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:26, Reply)

no
sticking his tongue down her throat and acting like a total clit-tease was his mistake

perhaps not his first mistake though
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:40, Reply)

I am unbelievably tired.
alt: YM. she started to decompose.

altalt: tempted to have fish & chips.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:33, Reply)

started to?
you're a bit late for that
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:41, Reply)

S'allright everyone I'm here
I gave up drugs about 16 years ago, I was only going to take a month off, but I never bothered with them again.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:36, Reply)

I gave up university after 6 weeks and joined a rock band
I only know one joke

www.b3ta.com/talk/5358213
(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:37, Reply)

*golf claps*

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:38, Reply)

FUCK YOU THEN

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:40, Reply)

You're Welcome Frankie

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:41, Reply)

do you ever get homesick for /talk?
or are we enough for you these days?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:40, Reply)

I had a look at /talk today and it's just ... sad
this place is ok when the secret board gets quiet

which is most of the time tbh
(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:41, Reply)

i thought this was the secret board?
fuck, i always miss out on the good stuff.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:50, Reply)

there's shitloads of "secret" b3ta spinoff boards
and they're all better than /talk
(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:51, Reply)

but if all the posters from the secret board came back to /talk
wouldn't that make one giant much better board?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:55, Reply)

well, no
because blah fucking blah
(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:56, Reply)

well yeah ok some of them were shit
you should cull the shit ones
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:07, Reply)

Gawd bless ya' y4ckr.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:21, Reply)

the trolling there was hilarious

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:23, Reply)

Golden days, that.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:36, Reply)

I don't know any shit jokes, sorry.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:37, Reply)

mirror

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:40, Reply)

I don't know any shit jokes, sorry.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:41, Reply)

mirror?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:41, Reply)

I don't know any shit jokes, sorry.
And neither do I know why you keep posting the title of a national newspaper.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:42, Reply)

there it is!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:44, Reply)

Now you're just being peculiar.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:44, Reply)

I shan't entertain you
I'm off home in TWENTY TWO MINUTES

alt: I no longer suck on my finger. The dentist told me when I was little to stop it, so I did.

altalt: sigh. dunno.
( Theoban What of it, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:38, Reply)

I know LOADS of jokes.
Alt- I haven't smoked in a year. Just quit. No patches, no cutting down, just quit. It's not that hard really.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:39, Reply)

You just put your foot down and said 'no more', right?
Was this around the time of the tsunami by any chance?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:48, Reply)

Ha ha ha ha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:50, Reply)

A woman goes to the doctors.
Doctor checks her over & says 'do you know where you can buy nappies?'
The woman replies 'wow, I'm pregnant?'
'No' says the Doctor. 'You've got bowel cancer'

first read this on B3ta.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:40, Reply)

Ouch

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:40, Reply)

Gonzlols

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:42, Reply)

I enjoy silly jokes
My son told me this when he was about 8 it still makes me laugh

Knock Knock

you'll have to play along to hear the rest
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:45, Reply)

go eat a bag of dicks

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:45, Reply)

go eat a bag of dicks who?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:47, Reply)

I can't see this joke being very funny.

( Kroney, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:57, Reply)

if that's the punch line, then I'm not sure it's a joke at all.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:12, Reply)

go eat a bag of dicks

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:26, Reply)

They killed my joke WeePee, killed it dead :(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:27, Reply)

who's there?

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:29, Reply)

I don't think my hearts in it no more, Frank :(
It was the best joke EVAH
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:32, Reply)

go eat a bag of dicks

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:32, Reply)

8(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:33, Reply)

Alt:
Very elderly couple (Him 118, her 116) go into the solicitors office and say they're getting a divorce.
'But, you've been married 95 years!' exclaims the solicitor, 'why get divorced now'?
The husband pipes up 'We've hated each other for years and wanted a divorce, we've just been waiting 'til all the kids were dead'.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:47, Reply)

sympathy reply

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:34, Reply)

Dozer and his cousin came home from school in floods of tears

"Whatever is the matter?" asked his mum
Dozer sobbed; "The kids at school make fun of my big feet."

"There, there," soothed his mother. "Your feet aren't that big."

She turned to his cousin. "Now why are you crying?"

"Because I've been invited to a ski party, and I haven't got any skis."

"That's OK," said the mother. "You can borrow Dozer's shoes."
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:56, Reply)

THIS WINS.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 17:56, Reply)

Monts is one armed boxer 2 aso known as Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976)

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:05, Reply)

I quit smoking cigarettes a few years ago,
Not been back. And I've knocked drugs on the head except weed and the occasional mushrooms and the odd pill.

Did you hear about the paper boy?
He blew away!
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:11, Reply)

The two differences betwen an Italian grandmother and an elephant?
About half a stone and a black dress.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:13, Reply)

check em

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:26, Reply)

Gave up cocaine several years ago.
Will never do it again.

Fucking tempted sometimes thought.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:13, Reply)

I work til 8 anyway Mon to Thurs
The last 2 hours is when the work slumps and people bugger off from here!

I gave up A-Levels 2 weeks before the exams. Don't regret it.

I also gave up a job with Paralegal training to pursue DJing. Don;t regret it.

Now back in the office but doing administration and being a client liason.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:14, Reply)

Read that fucking question wrong! Trying to multi-task
Smoking... Apart from the odd joint or two.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:15, Reply)

See?! Every cunt's gone...
*cries*
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:21, Reply)

hi.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:22, Reply)

Ariiiite :)
What you up to this eve? Apart from being a nurse.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:29, Reply)

that's it.
Ladypig is watching crufts of all things.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:38, Reply)

One hour left for me
Then it's home to cook summat and watch shit telly.
Not Crufts though...
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:00, Reply)

really, this is proper shit.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:07, Reply)

Poncy dogs running in circles.
Yep.

There's some sort of Comic Relief chat show thingy on BBC3.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:17, Reply)

You're FACE is a shit joke.*
I've done some inventing for dinner....I have sushi rice with spring onion and toasted seasimi seeds, pickled cucumber'n'spring-onion and a sweet miso salmon.



* This works on more than one level.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 18:35, Reply)

My wife calls dinner "tea"
I presume this is because she doesn't have a degree and is terribly common. Is there any other possible reason?
( Peej, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:06, Reply)

maybe you haven't hit her hard enough.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:10, Reply)

What would you recommend?

( Peej, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:15, Reply)

Punch her in the tits

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:28, Reply)

I call it tea too...
I'm a common Northener though.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:17, Reply)

redundant statement.
I call it tea too... common though
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:21, Reply)

Look, here's a free lesson, it goes.....
Breakfast, Brunch, Elevenses, Luncheon, Afternoon Tea, dinnner, Supper
( Peej, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:27, Reply)

That's a lot of meals!!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:38, Reply)

New Thread ahoy.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 19:21, Reply)