It's Monday, my brain is mush and I need to get it working
So anyone who fancies this can have a go....

50 Word Short Stories

Tell us an epic tale in exactly 50 words.

Extra points awarded for inclusion of any well known b3ta memes.

GO!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:16, 55 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

My first effort
We had argued again and this time it was too much.
He’d had enough of the whole self-sufficiency thing.
I couldn’t even use a spade properly at the beginning.
He didn’t want me.
He didn’t love me.
He didn’t want pigs.
They eat everything you know, yes, even human flesh.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:32, Reply)

Bert,
It has to have exactly 50 words...no more...no less.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:32, Reply)

Ok,
I'll edit it later...

Hello anyway, how are you doing, chicken?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:33, Reply)

I'm fine thanks
I'm on the Home Sweet Home thread posting in my knickers.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:37, Reply)

my name is jacob dyer and i live in bristol. it is fantastic. i sound like barnaby bear. i like barnaby bear. one time he went to france. i went to france. but some kid burnt my neck. i didnt like it.
MUNGO
MUNGO
MUNGO
MUNGO
MUNGO
MUNGO
MUNGO
MUNGO
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:38, Reply)

Well done Gilgamesh
50 exactly.

And now I can't get images of Mary, Mungo and Midge out of my head.

And Barnaby Bear.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:44, Reply)

I'm Barnaby
I'm Becky.
Off to see the world,
on a real adventure.
I'm a girl,
and I'm a bear,
together we make the perfect pair.

Becky.
-and Barnaby,
Bear.

Yay!

*hopes for more lyric-riffing with al*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:47, Reply)

Bert
Never become an accountant.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:50, Reply)

Why?
Wouldn't you like me to (insert accountancy-related innuendo here)?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:51, Reply)

Because Bertie...
You can't count ;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:53, Reply)

This story is called 'Apologies for length'
What do you think?

It’s right here. Can’t you see it?

Come here. Careful, it’s pretty fragile, but heavy. Don’t drop it.

What’s it for? Whatever you want. A paperweight, an ornament or…you could use it on a hot summer’s night…when I’m away…not too short is it?
-------------------
That's better.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:54, Reply)

Completely made up story.
It's dark, I'm drunk and I can feel his weight on me.
Oh my God.
'Your a dirty women', he says.
I suppress my giggles.
I can feel him inside me, and fill me.
The rhythm speeds up.
He comes.
In the morning I look at him.
Phew! he's cute.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:55, Reply)

Very nice Che
A story about a glass cock!

*EDIT* And our first outing of pr0n from BGB! Hooray!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:56, Reply)

sorry...........
it was a dark and stormy night. three men sat on a bridge.

“tell us a story, antonio.”

and this is what he told:

“it was a dark and stormy night. three men sat on a bridge.

'tell us a story, antonio.'

and this is what he told:

'it was............"


repeat ad nauseam
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:01, Reply)

...
She stands by the road, heedless of the storm, clothes plastered to her body by the freezing rain.

Lights approach, stop, blink off. A car door opens, slams shut.

Male voices: she pays no attention. They can’t see her. She’s nothing to them. They pass by; she continues to wait.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:13, Reply)

A poem
Vrrrrm Vrrrrrm

I am a helicopter.
I am eat fish fingers.
Fish fingers is pleasant.
My goldfish is died.
Poor little goldfish.
Her name was goldie.
I am eat wee wee.
I have nineteen more words to use.
I hope I use them wisely.
I probably will not
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:15, Reply)

Help!!
He sat at his desk busily typing, occasionally glancing at the email print-out beside him. Wracking his brains for a story subject, but just typing shit.

“Thanks,” he smiled, as the team’s secretary placed a trade journal on his in-tray. He casually watched her departing figure. “Now there’s an idea…"
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:19, Reply)

Toilet tales
Here I sit broken hearted
Rushed to the loo and only farted

Here I sit racked with pain
I'm never eating that again

Here I sit lost in thought
Wondering if it's 'THAT' I caught

Here I sit feeling sore
Remembering what the lube is for

Mostly I just pee.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:35, Reply)

Airline emergency
The plane was over the Pacific. Abruptly, the Asian man next to me arose from his seat, retrieved his backpack from the locker, and strode grimly towards the rear of the cabin.

“By heck”, my Indian friend remarked to me upon his return. “My piles are giving me gyp today!”
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:37, Reply)

Pants
Dress down day at work; someone suggests it should be trousers down day too. Money to Comic Relief, cake for the winner. Photos of the guys’ shreddies - guess the owner - very amusing.

That’s how my little secret got out, and Geoff’s. At least my misses’ knickers were nicer than his.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:42, Reply)

Waiting
I don’t know how it got out of the jar. I swear I didn’t touch it. I just came in here and the jar was empty and the lid was off. Not much we can do about it now - just sit back and watch the world and hope, I guess.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:47, Reply)

Him.
My skin prickled at his touch.
My face was wet with tears and streaked mascara.
He kissed my neck softly and I flinched.
"It's because I want you, you're beautiful." His breath was hot on my ear.
He stroked my hair and I closed my eyes.
He hit me again.
( wanderlust, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:52, Reply)

come again?
I sunburned my cleavage yesterday. I have pink and white breasts and the pink bits hurt. My boyfriend says semen is really good for sunburn but I’ve seen his bookmarks on YouPorn and they all feature titwanks. I know exactly what he’s up to but maybe I’ll pretend I don’t.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:55, Reply)

*milkshakes*

Who's up for a bit o' this then?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:59, Reply)

b3ta meme included
I thought that when you found the person you want to be with for the rest of your life then time would slow, the world would pause, the stars would fall from the sky, and your life would be changed forever. That’s just what happened. Length? Too long to bear.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:02, Reply)

Mine:

A B3ta Poem
I went to Exeter on Saturday,
To watch our Vipros and his cool band play.
Their name is Dumber Than The Average Bear;
Ancrenne and Kaol and Spak were also there.
But Kaol kissed Vipros and he grabbed his beard,
So yet another person knows Kaol's weird.
( thealternativefact, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:05, Reply)

@clendrix
Haha!

I love it! How do I click a reply...?

EDIT To me, Kaol made me think of a sexually aggressive form of Postman Pat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:09, Reply)

Bert
I don't think you can, but thank you!

Edit: Bert, your edit is the funniest thing ever.
( thealternativefact, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:10, Reply)

@al
..but only because he was provoked by Mrs Goggins.

The filthy fucking slut.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:12, Reply)

@al
Thank you mister. It means a lot :) I'll write something a bit more cheerful later!

@clendrix. I'm jealous you got to see Vipros and Kaol having beard based touching. One day hopefully I will get to experience the same joy you must have felt.
( wanderlust, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:12, Reply)

wanderlust
Didn't you see him face-raping all the guys at the Covent Garden bash?

I'd have thought the floors would be slippery with lady-juices after that particular event.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:14, Reply)

Hey,
I knew a guy called Postman Pat
The dirty bastard found a cat
The village folk, they smelled a rat
Cos blood came out when e'er it shat

Wanderlust, yes, do write more!
I have the memory of Kaol's abuse inprinted on my memory forever.
( thealternativefact, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:16, Reply)

I love B3ta.

B3ta is great, b3ta is cool.
Kaol greets members with a kiss.
Rachelswipe greets them with tales of woe.
Chickenlady is funky (see what I did there).
Rob is our glorious leader.

You are all, in my mind, gods.
And none of you have paid me yet, you cheeky sods.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:18, Reply)

@al
Ted even has the 70s Porno-tasche.

That big, dirty stud.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:21, Reply)

Ethelred
I have updated my board sig in honour of your poem.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:22, Reply)

@ Chickenlady
I shall allow you an honorary licence to use my term, cherish it to your bosom.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:24, Reply)

@al
POSTMAN PAT, KAOL AND TED IN MRS GOGGINS NAZI SEX ORGY SHOCKER Turn to page 9 for pictures.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:25, Reply)

Ethelred, my bosom is cherishing
Stop thinking those thoughts the rest of you.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:34, Reply)

The lake.
We sat on the bank and watched the swimmers.
He laughed so loudly people looked up. I didn't care, to me his laughter felt like the sun was singing.
He asked if I wanted to play on the swings, so we ran all the way there.
My beautiful little boy.
( wanderlust, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 12:47, Reply)

I suck at writing but
I thought I'd give this a go:

The light shuddered, and then scanned across the landscape, picking out the couple on the hill, the dog-walker, the tramp, the lonely and afraid. It shuddered again, and then, all was dark bar the twinkling of the stars and the dull red plume of fire in the far off distance.
( DarkSon a time and date will follow this username on, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:03, Reply)

DarkSon
You don't suck! That was interesting.
( thealternativefact, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:08, Reply)

@DarkSon.
Woo! for having a go.

There's only Chickenlady and Che Grimsdale wot are proper writers.

Your effort was good and keep them coming.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:18, Reply)

What do you think?
The night was dark and the sea was grey and sullen, pregnant with the promise of death to come.

The couple walked along the shore, hand in hand, deep in thought about the pleasures to come when they got back home.

To them it was a beautiful and perfect night.

EDIT @DarkSon Don't down yourself, that was good.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:20, Reply)

As I am hoping that all my financial problems will be solved if I can write the Next Great British Novel... here goes.

I still see them. Ghosts, that is. The difference is that they're not the ghosts of anyone who has died, they're the ghosts of those who are still living. I see myself, my own ghost, wandering around here just as I used to before it happened. And I know why.
( Maladicta, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:23, Reply)

It keeps growing and growing
with a speed that frightens me. I was warned that it would get bigger, but not this big, not this quickly. I thought I could keep it with me, find a space in the house, but that cannot be now. Where will I put it?

Aah Dok, the promise of death. Very lovely.
( thealternativefact, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:30, Reply)

The Night
The stars, the sky, the constellations. They shine down upon us, many stars, many planets, many moons. Is there life out there, or are we alone?

Many have gazed, many have wondered, but nothing proved is nothing believed. Are we to search further afield before discovering our own precious world?
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:34, Reply)

One more go
And then I'll actually get back to work :

We moved through the flowing, golden fields, drenched in sunlight and drowned by the whispering wheat.

Touch me, she said, and I felt the electric thrill run through me.

The hazy trees shimmered as the world contracted in that second.

A moment can last forever.

Sometimes, that’s not long enough.

Edit - thank you all.
( DarkSon a time and date will follow this username on, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 13:54, Reply)

@clendrix
Why thanks you.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 14:17, Reply)

This just happened.
[Background] I went to the park with my little homemade salad in a tupperware box, my ipod and my book. Found a nice bench in the shade, settled down for half an hour's peace and quiet and what happens?:
------------------------------

“Where’s the weddin'? Is there a church over there? No, finish your lunch. Mind if I sit down?...
"Can you spare me some change mate? I’m OK for fags but I need to get some cider. Just a bit of change, whatever. OK, never mind son. Nice day isn’t it?”
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 14:24, Reply)

Room 151 or 152?
“You’re late.” She’s pretty.

“I thought I was early.” It’s true.

“You’re nothing like your picture.” Very pretty.

“I never am.” What picture?

“You ready?” She’s forward, too.

“Um, OK?” I’m not.

“You seem a bit unsure about this.” Forward.

“This?” Confused.

“You know...” Embarrassed?

“Um.” Intrigued.

“Stripping!”



Wrong room.
( Moey, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 14:53, Reply)

Epic reply

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 28 Jul 2008, 15:10, Reply)

@ TRL
I wouldn't throw her out of bed.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 15:14, Reply)

The sea.
I watched my toes slowly sink into the sand. The water was cold and clear.
I wanted to run.

I could sense him behind me, staring.
I dived in, immersing myself, washing away my sins.

I swam to the surface.
I wondered.

Would he realise if I had a wee?
( wanderlust, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 15:26, Reply)

@TRL
One wouldn't necessarily have to look down!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 15:37, Reply)

Torn apart.
I know what I should do.
I know what I want to do.
I know what I need to do.
None of them are the same thing.
If I follow my head I go one way.
If I follow my heart I go another.
If I listen to advice it’s an entirely different path.
I need to be several people at once, apparently.

=========================================

A few words over. Meh.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 28 Jul 2008, 15:42, Reply)