so a married friend
just sent me an email saying "ooooh, 'he's just not that into you' is out on fri 6, we have to go and see it, we thought you might like to come with us?"

er. hello.

is the film called "we're smug marrieds and we're going to sit and hold hands in our popcorn whilst laughing at all the sad single people on the screen, ha ha ha" ?

i think NOT.

so... how do i tell her politely to stuff her cinema tickets up her arse with the finger wearing a wedding ring?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:01, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Facebook says you're de-singled.
Maybe they're dropping a hint...

*runs*

Hello!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:05, Reply)

I would say exactly this:
"Politely stuff you cinema tickets up your arse with the finger wearing your wedding ring. Careful not to rip your anus on the way out".

Say exactly that.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:06, Reply)

"I'm terribly sorry I can't make the RomCom night...
...I've already agreed to go to a local Swingers bash and need to shop for a new leash for my gimp. Hope you enjoy the insipid comedy!"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:06, Reply)

^ enzyme ^
ah well, i kept getting emails from total sleazy randoms. most of whom were looking for green cards! which was my own fault for being listed as both "single" and "out for what i can get". so i just deleted it to say nothing.

and must have had an email or text from virtually everyone on there asking what's going on. nothing is going on! gaaah!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:12, Reply)

Go to the cinema with them.
But dressed as a bee-keeper.

They might laugh, but when you break open the hornet nest that's in your bag, the joke'll be on them.
( Cawl, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:12, Reply)

Ask if you can bring a date...
...and show up with her Dad.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:16, Reply)

say that
unfortunately you are busy nailing your face to a tree tonight so can't attend.
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:50, Reply)

*ahem*
ah well, i kept getting emails from total sleazy randoms.

Yeah apologies for that, I'm trying to cut down. My therapist says it's because I've got some sort of disease, something to do with testosterone or whatnot. I wasn't really listening to her to be honest I was too busy staring at frankly breathtaking rack.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:53, Reply)

Rachelswipe is your therapist?
Awesome.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:12, Reply)

@al
Not officially but I suppose she does listen to a lot of my problems. I wouldn't mind a go on her couch anyway :D too much? apologies

@rs - I think you should decline the offer on account of it being a poor film.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:28, Reply)

Nothing to do with the question but...
I was amazed to find out that pooflake is not 'poo-flake' but 'poof-lake' - are you 'rachel swipe', 'rachels wipe' or 'rachel s wipe'?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:30, Reply)

That kind of talk
upsets Mr Flake no end.

Ms Swipes name is a pun, or play on the words. R-swipe. Geddit?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:45, Reply)

Thanks for clearing that up.
Must run - the short bus has arrived.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:52, Reply)

Just tell em
That you already have plans to curl up into a defensive ball, drink the local offie dry and wail loudly at the lack of significant other, crying over and over again "Why! Why! Why can't I be happily married!" while you smash your head into the fridge door. They should get the hint
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:55, Reply)

how about
"no, you're alright thanks" or is that not acceptable?

I can't stand couples who seem to think that being in a couple is the be all and end all of existence and that everyone who's single must be desperately unhappy and in need of sympathy.

On the other hand, I am not a big fan of people who think that all couples are smug, either.

So I'd just say thanks but no thanks.
( Kroney, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 14:43, Reply)

not all couples are smug
this one, however, could be the dictionary definition!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Try it from the other side.
I look at the young married couples and think, "You poor deluded fools."

C'mon, let's you and me go to the movies together and laugh at them instead.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 15:08, Reply)

However smug this couple are
Surely he's only going under duress?

Surely...?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Any man, married or not
who willingly goes to see a rom-com needs a shoeing and re-evaluation on his licence to possess testicles.
( Kroney, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 17:01, Reply)

^ Or,
is just afraid to admit that he prefers men's bottoms.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 17:02, Reply)

Is Amilie....
A romcom?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 18:39, Reply)

No.
For Amelie is French, and the French have a habit of making films which are vaguely clever, have interesting plots and eccentric but 3-dimensional characters who bring a certain warmth and honesty to the cinematic experience.

Well, obviously they must be stopped. 'Cause what we need is more cliche-driven, soppy, predictable, smug, arse-clenchingly bad, happy-fucking-clappy all-American fucking family-values-friendly, yeehah-ain't-it-great-that-all-the-characters-are-all-good-law-abiding-white-christian-folk-except-the-token-black-dude pile of triple-felched arse shavings of a film that you'd think was written by the retarded ADHD child who swims through his own shit to get to the fucking typewriter which is upside-down anyway.

In short, call me cynical, but I don't hold out much hope for any film called anything as fucking smug as "He's just not that (far) into you(r rectal passage)"
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 23:01, Reply)

^ ah
but it is based on a book that, if more women read it, would stop the ceaseless passage of midnight phone calls wherein women obsess over the lack of phone call from Him!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 9:01, Reply)

Sounds like you're speaking from experience
Have your woman-friends been keeping you up all night?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 9:48, Reply)

of course
i am forever getting heavy breathing phone calls in the middle of the night.

from sobbing friends!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 16:45, Reply)

Good lord...
Personally, I don't think many of my friends would get much sympathy if they 'phoned me in the middle of the night to bleat about an absent text message. _{Unless they also wanted phone sex}

But I have just remembered: Fri 6th is the same day I have to go for an ultrasound*. I'm sure it would be far more entertaining than this film.

*_{Sadly, it's not because I'm pregnant}
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 22:23, Reply)