A verbal splurge
in the replies...
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 9:40, 20 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Ugh...
A verblurge, if you will.

My daughter's moved house fifteen times in her twelve years, mainly due to her mother's ineptitude or drunken outbursts, her inability to pay bills or maintain relationships with transient men.

She's lived variously with her mother, her (ex-) step-father, grandparents and half-way houses. She's had four father figures in the past eighteen months, not including me.

I've known things haven't been perfect for daughter and her little brother and sister, in their current situation, for a few weeks, but it all blew up on Sunday and now daughter's staying with a school friend while her (step-) brother and sister stay with their dad.

Police and Social Services have been called as things were pretty heated between mother and her ex... shit, this is getting boring and complicated.

Basically, I've had enough of daughter being shipped from pillar to post and not being settled. She's about to end her first year of secondary school, and she needs some stability to see her through her exams.

So, I'm on the edge of telling Social Services that I want to take daughter into my care. I'm fucking scared and excited at the same time, and I'm not even sure that's what daughter wants. My living situation isn't ideal but it's not impossible...

I just want daughter to have a semblance of normal life.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, internet, but your thoughts would be appreciated.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 9:41, Reply)

No3l
from what I've read about your relationship with your daughter - you'd be an excellent full time dad.
You care about her, you make time for her, and now you have a chance - I really think you should go for it.

Personally I would rather stay with my dad then be put into foster care if I had to choose.

All the best mate. /hugs
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 15 Apr 2009, 10:02, Reply)

Thanks miss.
She's got a couple of other options if she weren't to come to me. One, Social Services already removed her and her siblings from once, and the other is in Cornwall, at least a couple of hundred miles away.

I'm probably the best choice, which is nice. But it doesn't stop me feeling really, really edgy =/
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 10:07, Reply)

It's perfectly understandable to have teh fears
You'll be making quite a brave stand with a possible outcome that will dramatically change your life and hers.

Nevertheless, from what you've said, I agree with the Vampyre - if it's concerning you that much then you probably would make a good Dad, and at least you can provide some stability, which is probably what she needs at this age. (She certainly doesn't need to be tossed back and forth between her Mum, the Police and Social Services if there's a better option available, e.g., yourself.)

Good luck!
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 10:12, Reply)

Agree with 'Cat
Do it.

The girl needs stability, particularly at this time in her education. You're clearly a caring and thoughtful chap and what more could the girl need?

Go for your life - it'll be great fun for you and you'll be doing your little'un a huge favour.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 10:19, Reply)

Good luck fella
All the best to you.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 15 Apr 2009, 10:27, Reply)

she really needs you right now.
I spend my day trying to patch up the lives of children who are in this situation.
Children who have a home life like hers often fall behind at school.

She must have stability. She needs to know that someone loves her and who is going to be there for her.

It's a big step to take, but it's make her life so much better, and yours!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:10, Reply)

Do it...
...good for you mate. Having kids is the scariest thing you ever do because you learn to care for other people.

If it is in her best interests you must try to get her with you.

Good luck.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:14, Reply)

Thanks for the kind words, folks
I'm still really stressed but at least I know I'm not clutching at straws.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:32, Reply)

Stability is key
And she is the most important person in all of this.

I wish my brother would take the same kind of stand with his daughter.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:44, Reply)

My take on this.
Social Services *do not* like removing children from parents, especially mothers.

The only thing that's going to work here is:

a) talking to your daughter and working out what she wants. How happy she'll be living with you. Does this involve her moving schools and losing friends ? Crucially, how much time has she spent with you in her childhood ? How many overnight visits ? You mention it's not going to be easy her living with you - you need to work out stratagems to deal with this.

b) Getting advice from a family lawyer. There's no point taking this step if your daughter doesn't want to live with you.

c) Going through hell. You will, I'm sorry to say, go through hell to get what you want, if your ex doesn't want to play ball. It will get very messy, very dirty, and any concept of "justice" you might have goes out of the window. Social Services do not have much in the way of accountability, so don't think that you being the good guy will count for anything. It won't.

Think long and hard about this. Discuss with your family, friends and partner; because they are going to have to support you through this process, and deal with the outcome whatever it is.

And if your daughter doesn't want to live with you, there is nothing you can do, apart from leave the door open for her to change her mind.

I've dealt with social services. I know which of what I type. Feel free to gaz me if you want a chat
( I_Was_Mordred, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:54, Reply)

DG: Maybe he will, one day.
But if he's not in the right place mentally, financially etc then it'd be a huge thing to undertake. Better the devil you know, and all that.

The main reason I'm considering it this time is because daughter's mother's properly fucked things up. I don't think I'd have directly taken her on for custody for fear of what she'd do in retaliation.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:57, Reply)

IWM
Thanks for your post - your words are wise :)

I've just heard there's a meeting with Social Services tomorrow afternoon, so I'll try and go along to that and get their take on the situation.

I know they don't like taking kids from parents, but now her mother doesn't have anywhere to live I think she'll be with me, at least in the short term.

I'll see how things go over the next day or so, have a good chat with daughter and prepare myself for what's to come. I'll certainly gaz you if I need more input.

Thanks again.

Edit: for the record, we live in the same town now so no disruption to school or friends, I've had her two nights out of fourteen for almost her entire life, and we get on brilliantly. But, like you say, it's down to her primarily, and Social Services to decide her fate.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 12:10, Reply)

perhaps
not the best place to quote Monty Python, but:

"Get on with it"

best said in a shouty voice
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 13:53, Reply)

Heheh yes.
I'll bleat my heart out to my mate tonight over a pint... then we've got an appointment with Social Services tomorrow afternoon (I may be repeating myself here :)

It'll be what it'll be.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 14:16, Reply)

sighs
Man the fuck up!

runs away
(halfy 2.0 is locked out of his old account, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 14:42, Reply)

Heheh
I almost put that in the op, but forgot :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 14:47, Reply)

you can make it happen
it's the right thing to do, and this is a crucial time in her life.

*cheers you on*
( cackers, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 15:11, Reply)

but seriously No31
go for it, you'll be fine, if my inept brother and sister can bring up a horde of vaguely normal kids (with other partners, not Fritzl style) then it should be a piece of piss for you
(halfy 2.0 is locked out of his old account, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 15:40, Reply)

you should do it
even if the only outcome is that she knows you did and tried.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 15:51, Reply)