The French Government have issued the following advice regarding swine flu:
Whilst the disease is considered to be highly contagious, travelling to Mexico is not considered to be a high risk as long as you proceed with cochon....




I'm so sorry; kill me now
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 3 May 2009, 0:45, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I will hold up a frying pan.
Please oblige by taking a good run-up and giving it a good, solid Glasweigian kiss.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sun 3 May 2009, 0:58, Reply)

sighs
opens babel fish.

wanders off.

Takes a long run up with giant frying pan

*SSSSSSSSPPPPPPPAAAAAAANNNNNNNGGGGSSSSSSS*
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 3 May 2009, 0:59, Reply)

oh dear. oh dear, oh dear.
DG - will you be my b3ta dad? you have the crap jokes, the awesome missus - the bragging of you sex like and enough poo and fart stories to last years.

please?

/spangs.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 3 May 2009, 1:11, Reply)

^ thanks chaps
We've just got home from a night out with chums - DG and the other bloke were indulging in a lengthy pun-off on swine flu, when DG came out with that gem.

So this is married life. Instead of ripping my tights off to give me some pork sword the instant we get home, he can't wait to present b3ta with a spanger. Is this when I start taking jelly beans out of the jar then? It would appear so. The only advantage I have is being able to spang him in the flesh. So, what should I use;

a) the Tefal frying pan
b) the Ken Hom wok
c) the heavy based stainless steel paella pan
d) the teflon coated omelette pan
e) place the biggest 3 litre heavy saucepan on his head and bang it repeatedly with the taty masher...?

YOU DECIDE
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 3 May 2009, 1:21, Reply)

I choose option F
All of the above
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 3 May 2009, 1:30, Reply)

F it is Vampy
He's getting the lot. The bonus being that F is for fuck and after I've spanged him good & proper, I'm off to clean the hamster's cage. See those jelly beans rot..... ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 3 May 2009, 1:34, Reply)

VC
I'm everyone's b3ta dad; didn't you know? Welcome to the family.

I don't know; I make a multi-lingual pun based on a topical news story and suddenly I'm assaulted with kitchenware.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 3 May 2009, 1:37, Reply)

awesome!
and I wasn't spanging you *that* hard. geeeeeee.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 3 May 2009, 1:58, Reply)

^ believe me Vampy
He needs spanging really hard;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 3 May 2009, 2:10, Reply)

sorry but do you mean
"spanging" or "spanking" there??

ohh just a question! When you say Glaswegian how do you say it? is it Glaswee-gian or glas-way-an??
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 3 May 2009, 2:24, Reply)