Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!
As you all know, my boyfriends daughter is an ex-tweaker (meth user). She's not used Meth since she got out of jail - believe me I know the signs - she just drinks instead. She's swapped one addiction for another.
She causes problems with me and my partner by a) getting drunk, telling her boyfriend stuff I said to her months ago and he calls my partner and gets pissed off because she puts it that I said it yesterday. He believes her.
Last night, I was supposed to spend the night at his - we're getting into a routine - and she was supposed to be at nightclass, hell, I even dropped her off. She came home drunk off her tits. She'd skipped class and went to her friends house, then lied that she was getting a ride home from school. She's 21. Instead of saying "hey dad, school got out early, going to friends house but may spend the night" she lied about the whole fucking thing and I ended up going home so I didn't have to deal with it.

I'm *this* close to ending the relationship. I love him, but can't deal with this shit any more. I would dearly love some genuine advice, as well as some "man the fuck ups". I am depressed and hurt and keep trying to do the right thing and I get slapped in the face all the time.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 7 May 2009, 3:44, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

first the obligatory "Man the FUCK up!"
Now for hopefully something that helps.

Question - have you asked your partner about all this? tried talking to him about it in a calm and expressive way? I mean I'm sure you know how to get a point across but what I mean is - if you're talking about it - do you say "She always/never" or "You always/never"? Just cos that'll make him get defensive (she is his daughter after all) and start fights when maybe this could be solved by talking it all through and working out how to fix it.

Have you tried talking to *her* about it either? Maybe you should - it wouldn't be interfering because it is YOUR relationship she is fucking up. I don't know if you have tried already or not but that's just the first two avenues I'd go down.

If you have already tried all that - and nothing's helping, look at how it's making you feel. You're angry and hurt and depressed and that's not good. No relationship is worth sacrificing your sanity for. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's what I genuinely believe. You are a lovely, kind, beautiful, caring woman and you don't need this shit.

And if you want an internet hug - here you go *big squishy hugs*
Feel free to gaz me to vent.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 7 May 2009, 4:10, Reply)

Man the fuck up
I hope this all makes sense. Dealing with addictions is always a huge fecking mess:

And this is going to sound pansy-ass and hippy-ish but, why not take the boyfriend to a few alanon meetings? They might be able to show him how he is only helping the kid to continue her addictions and creating a hellish life for himself and you in a way that you can't and in a way that doesn't threaten his sense of 'protect my children at all costs'.

Yes, she is his baby. Yes, he is going to be defensive when it comes to her and her behavior. Most anything you say to him, there is a good chance he will take it the wrong way as a knee-jerk reaction because he has to protect his baby. But, depending on how he is handling the situation, he may be secretly thinking everything you are saying but afraid to admit that his kid is doing something wrong because to admit it might make him feel guilty. If he hears it enough times from enough people, perhaps it will help. And they might just have some good ideas on how you guys can either help her or insulate yourselves from her downward spiral.

There is also the possibility that at some point you may have to cut your losses with him. I know you love him and want to support him through a difficult time, but you don't want to do this at the cost of your sense of well-being.

I watched my aunt & uncle go through this with my cousin. They funded her addictions and ignored her bad behavior for too many years. Finally they had to step back and let her hit bottom then figure out how to pick herself back up. And eventually, she did just that but not before she lost everything.

What you are dealing with is hard and it is a long road. Remember though, you have your family and you have your b3tans. We love and admire you and we will be here with hugs, cake, advice, jokes, and the occasional bumming. Now man the fuck up and slap the shit out of the kid for messing up your evening of getting laid.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 7 May 2009, 5:36, Reply)

Oh Work
that's a shit situation. The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to him about how it's making you feel. Do it when she isn't about, and keep calm.

I know that dealing with somebody who has an addiction isn't good, but don't let it get you down. If you can stick with it I'm sure everything will work out.

Oh and of course, man the fuck up!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 7 May 2009, 8:55, Reply)