"Every year zillions of squid
is spent on culture for posh folks, many of whom is professional gaylords." Years on this is still the funniest line Sacha Baron Cohen has ever come out with.

For those of you who don't know me I'm a bit of a metal head (when I'm not listening to Erasure or Captain Beefheart). Anyhoo, at the moment I'm listening to my favourite ever piece of music: the 1812 Festival Overture by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. The full 15 minute version.

I'd give my left nut to hear it being played live and couldn't think of a more appropriate place to ask how I'd go about making that happen than here. I'd like to think this off-off topic request is mildly more entertaining than, "Nnnnng, my mouse doesn't work... how do I turn on my computer?" that we get every now and then.

Or failing that, if you bumped into your celebrity crush in the street what would your strategy be for getting them back to yours naked?
( djtrialprice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:47, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've met several celebrities I would love to have in my bed, Tom Meighan touched me once, and all I did was stand there smiling like a mong
edit: If I ever met Alexander Skarsgård in the street I'd probably faint.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:53, Reply)

If Libby Kennedy bumped into me in the street
A swift blow to the head with a claw-hammer, followed by bundling her into my mothers car (who would be driving).

Then we'd take her home, tie her up, and treat her like a normal girlfriend. We would dress her together, wash her together, finger her orifices together, and generally take very good care of her.

And if I squeezed her too hard and she becomes dead, I would search for her mother, Susan.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:53, Reply)

I think a claw hammer is a bit much
I think I'd settle for asking her if my handkerchief smelt of chloroform, followed by a healthy dose of rohypnol.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:57, Reply)

orange claw hammer?
i think i may go on an annoying 'spot the beefheart lyric' mission today...
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:00, Reply)

You can't buy concert tickets with testicles.
I would probably ask if they wanted to go for a drink, then take them for a drink.

In other news I actually have a story for this QOTW but it's shit.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:55, Reply)

the thing is
your average celeb probably gets, "Hey fancy a drink" 20 times a day. I normally subscribe to the school of thought of just being yourself but in this case you need a plan.

The claw-hammer is maybe going ever so slightly too far though. Mmmmmm Libby Kennedy.
( djtrialprice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:59, Reply)

Right, let me put it this way,
I would like to sleep with a number of celebs.
I wouldn't like to violently rape anybody.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:03, Reply)

Bah
You just don't want it enough.

me too
( djtrialprice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:04, Reply)

Erasure AND Captain Beefheart
fuck sake, now that is eclectic.

Beefheart is fantastic...is great luring noobs in with rainbow flavoured delights such as Yellow Brick Road or Sure 'n' Snuff Yes I Do, then garroting them with Pena or Dachau Blues. Truly an artiste for all seasons!

"hoi hoi, is she a boy?"
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:59, Reply)

ya sets it up ya big joan
I think latter day Beefheart was the best (when Gary Lucas was the guitarist). It doesn't get better than Ashtray Heart. Although yes Kandy Korn era etc. was also awesome.
( djtrialprice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:03, Reply)

did you go and see
the 'magic band' when they toured a few years back? i was good, excellent at times, but i couldn't help but feel all morose, thinking about stratospheric it could have been had the Captain himself been prowling the stage.

Shiny Beast is brilliant album, as is Clear Spot and Spotlight Kid, but i really do love the seemingly uncontrolled freak out that is TROUT MASK!

"ah wont droop, if you don't talk about your HANDS being too small"

Bizarrely, i was watching 'the deadliest catch' the other day on discovery and one of the guys had the ezact same draaaaaawl as Beefheart. Then, about 10 seconds later he talks about finding a 'clear spot', and it kinda freaked me out a bit.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:21, Reply)

I closed my eyes and Drumbo sounded just like the Cap'n
I did indeed catch them a few years back. I still rate seeing them as my best ever gig. They (Drumbo, Denny Wally, Gary Lucas plus the original bassist... damn forgotten his name) came wandering round the crowd afterwards to say hello. I got to speak to Gary and went all wobbly.
( djtrialprice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:26, Reply)

nice one!
I think you may be thinking of Rockette Morten...yes, for a big guy, he fairly put himself about a bit. All was well with Drumbo until he attempted to sing Electricity, which in all honesty, nobody else but the Captain should attempt. Still brilliant though. Went to see them again, the year after, in a different venue, and it wasn't as good...but maybe that was because the first gig had been so brilliant.

i think Drumbo is releasing a book about his expereinces, complete with rare photo's etc, should be out soon!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:31, Reply)

barkeep, a roofie colada for the lady.
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:36, Reply)

Dear Diary
Jackpot!
( djtrialprice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:59, Reply)

1812
Sang in a concert at Sheffield Arena once where they played the 1812 live. We were all given wax earplugs because of the cannon but it got so hot on stage they melted.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 14:57, Reply)

I like Night on Bare Mountain.
Equal parts nostalgia, fear and awesome tunes. Though I can listen to the Firebird start to finish and have multiple eargasms throughout.
As for the crush, i'd get him to bring his (equally as amazing and hotter) girlfriend and have a threesome. Or geek out and tell them both how much i love them, sequel to American Gods plz, piano lesson from Amanda and whatever the fuck they're both on to have such dark, twisted imaginations.
God i'm bored. Hour to kill til the next class. What do?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 15:02, Reply)

try here
www.rpo.co.uk, you can search by composer and month, but it doesn't let you get more specific
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 15:14, Reply)

oh oh oh
We have a winning number

www.rpo.co.uk/event.php?pid=758

Saturday 20 February 2010 7.30pm
Wycombe Swan Theatre, High Wycombe

TCHAIKOVSKY Marche Slave

TCHAIKOVSKY Piano Concerto No.1

TCHAIKOVSKY Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Overture

TCHAIKOVSKY 1812 Overture

Join the world-renowned Royal Philharmonic Orchestra for a spectacular evening of Tchaikovsky’s finest works. This impressive programme features the ever-popular Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Overture and the powerful Marche Slave. The centrepiece comes in the form of one of the greatest works in the piano repertoire - Tchaikovsky’s First Piano Concerto. To perform this monumental work, the RPO will be joined by young pianist Behzod Abduraimov, winner of the 2009 London International Piano Competition. And, to end the concert with a bang, the Orchestra will perform the explosive 1812 Overture, complete with cannon effects.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 15:18, Reply)

I always said
you were the best b3tan
( djtrialprice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 15:33, Reply)

I saw the 1812 overture
At the Symphony hall in Birmingham a few years back. Top stuff.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

If you really want the full effect
come to Richmond on July 4. In the Dogwood Dell in Byrd Park the Richmond Symphony Orchestra performs the full 1812 Overture, complete with carillon and actual cannons from the nearby military base.

I've often though it must be a mindfuck for any planes flying overhead to see cannons going off.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 2 Oct 2009, 2:09, Reply)