Well bugger me!
A short while ago a helicopter landed in the grounds of the office I'm based at. And out stepped Joanna Lumley, who's opening the new shopping mall in town.

Anything unexpected happening in your day?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Nov 2009, 12:50, 99 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I unexpectedly realised that I feel quite good about myself today.
I think getting rat-arsed has blown some cobwebs away.

I celebrated this lunchtime by purchasing a fake fur jacket that makes me look like a yeti.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:02, Reply)

Surely
a fake yeti?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:11, Reply)

Well there are no real ones silly boy.

( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:14, Reply)

Sez who?
Just because nobody's caught and skinned one to make a coat yet!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:20, Reply)

Damn

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Damn right.
I look like a hot yeti.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:28, Reply)

That's what Wolfy Smith was
A hot yeti
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:29, Reply)

*buys beret*

( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:34, Reply)

*Waits at Tooting Broadway*
This should be fun!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:43, Reply)

Not today
but Saturday I explained the geography of Saudi Arabia to P J Harvey's parents whilst getting merry on cider.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:10, Reply)

Don't toy with us
Too good to be true
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:15, Reply)

It's true,
true I tells ya. They live just down the road from me.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:21, Reply)

BOO

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:12, Reply)

now everyone who hasn't got a story can tell you about the time I posted boo unnexpectedly.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:12, Reply)

Yes
The mother of my daughter has texted me. This in itself is far from unusual as on average I probably receive one an hour, and invariably abusive and highly critical of me.

This particular text was both friendly in tone and in content - asking me to go out to dinner with her this evening.

The question is, is it a trap? And if it is, do I go anyway?

NB If I don't go, this will definitely be taken as a slight.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:12, Reply)

Go, but tell her that you're aprehensive because of the recent abuse.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:13, Reply)

it's clearly a trap
and a real slight is surely better than the imagined slight that she will come up with anyway
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:13, Reply)

In my best Admiral Akbar voice:
"it's a trap!"

Ach, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. So don't.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:14, Reply)

I think I love you for the "I want my money back" comment yesterday

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:14, Reply)

Thank you, and I fully support your right to encourage Internets suicide.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:16, Reply)

I'm also hitler,
but that post got deleted.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:17, Reply)

THERE'S NO ARGUING WITH GODWIN'S LAW!

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:18, Reply)

Exactly,
I have been trying to eat more health as well today but that doesn't seem to be working.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:22, Reply)

eating more health sounds tricky

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:31, Reply)

I know but it's part of my 6 point improvment plan.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:33, Reply)

what are the other points?
my plan for the moment consists of

1. get rid of this fucking cold
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:37, Reply)

it was blaires final word in last nights home sweet home thread.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:40, Reply)

hadn't read that until now
I'm not entirely happy about the "at least you're not as smug as vipros" remark. I don't much want to raise the other stuff again as it has got way out of hand. Not that you require my validation, but you've handled a shitty situation very well. Blaireau and a couple of others, really not so much.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:50, Reply)

He's beaten you in the smugness ranks now.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:55, Reply)

I noticed
my house doesn't have enough bedrooms, and I have no dogs
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:56, Reply)

I had a banana but my life is still shit

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:31, Reply)

bananas are shit
that's the problem
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:36, Reply)

I get the feeling that you will be dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.
Hehe! two great minds think alike.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:16, Reply)

Maybe..
She wants to apologise for being an arse?
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:16, Reply)

Hahahahahahhahaha!
That's a good one that.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:17, Reply)

*guffaws*
Fucking right. I'm more likely to be shanked in a dark alley....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:23, Reply)

Explain that you are
piecing together someone else's shredded documents, i'm sure she will understand.

Seriously though, go out, meet her, see what she has to say. You will be orbiting each other for many more years to come, so you may as well make it as easy and as painless as possible.


Disarm with charm!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:40, Reply)

OK
She IS paying, as well....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:59, Reply)

"fillet steak please.."

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:06, Reply)

and bung in a lobster

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 17:04, Reply)

It's a trap
Or someone else has 'borrowed' her phone and is having a 'laugh'.

Tell her you're washing your hair or something.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Do not go
You will end up covered in dinner or blood
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:24, Reply)

She's too devious for that
It's all behind closed doors, the really evil stuff...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:07, Reply)

someone on the internet said Boo
I wasn't expecting that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:13, Reply)

Where would you lot be without me?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:14, Reply)

not sure
what is the waki crown?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:14, Reply)

baldmonkey gave me it
www.b3ta.com/talk/6536720#post6536739
(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:15, Reply)

is it actually meant to be like wacky?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:19, Reply)

yes, but it's spelt in a more waki way.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:21, Reply)

excellent

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:22, Reply)

I thought it was something to do with Hawaii.

( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:22, Reply)

same

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:23, Reply)

Pfffft

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:25, Reply)

The same place we were before you came here.

( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:19, Reply)

A pit of misery and tedium?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:21, Reply)

your astuteness scares me

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Yes but with less bad jokes.
Edit - and bullying.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:23, Reply)

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:26, Reply)

To get to the other side?

( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:27, Reply)

Fuck off

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:28, Reply)

*buggers DG*

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:19, Reply)

Two unexpected happenings in one day.
I don't think I can cope with the excitement. I need a lie down.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:23, Reply)

You'll have to lie,
you won't be able to sit for days after I'm done.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:26, Reply)

While perusing the literature in the gynae waiting room
I noticed that the leaflet on national screening for chlamydia amongst under 25s lists as a symptom "lower abdominal pain or painful testicles (balls)".

It struck me as unexpected that a bloke might not know what a testicle is. And then I felt like weeping for humanity.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:22, Reply)

That's given me the image of some confused young man discovering his genitals for the first time
in the style of the sperm whale that winks into existence halfway through Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Oh wow, what's this thing here? I think I'll call it..a...cock! Yeah, I can really thrash it about good, can't I?"
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:30, Reply)

All of my crazy friends spend the entirety of lunch
banging on about the Twilight books... about halfway through one of them talking about the new film coming out I shouted 'WANK' for no real reason and then, once I had got their attention, I changed the subject onto the film Legion...
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:23, Reply)

I'll be suprised if you're not sectioned this time next year.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:28, Reply)

They haven't caught me so far
I'm sure I'll be fine. :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:31, Reply)

I was thinking along very similar lines
that is some quite mental behaviour
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:32, Reply)

Not really
If you had to sit with 4 girls while they spent 45 minutes talking about some 17 year old boys six-pack being painted on and how they would all let him bite them... I think you'd shout WANK too!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:35, Reply)

I'd probably pick them off one by one
using knives and garottes

I went to sainsburys earlier and was stood next in the queue at the cigarette counter when an old woman deposited herself in front of me.

I had to say "excuse me, there is a queue you know"

she was apologetic, but seriously, there were about 10 people stood behind me, looking very much like a queue.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:39, Reply)

Exactly
I figured shouting WANK was the less violent option, also we only have spoons in the kitchen at work... it would take a long time to kill them with spoons! :(

Hahaha I do hate it when people don't notice a massive queue and cut in, it happens all the time waiting for a tube... regardless of how long someone has been waiting, when the doors open, it seems to 'who dares wins'.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Half man half biscuit just sprang to mind
"Found myself standing amongst a score or so of ageing Grans and Granddads.
When a frail voice asked of me,
"Do you mind dear boy if I ask you a question,
"Please let me in from of you so I can cash my pension"
"No-oh, FUCK OFF, NO!"
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:44, Reply)

That is nothing to what I have to listen to
The woman next to me shows me pictures of her son's car, her niece's baby, her cousin's dog etc etc. And i have to listen to how her son is "crazy" because he dressed as a nun for Hallloween. ALL afternoon she'd be silent for five minutes, then chuckle, then chuckle louder when I didn't take the bait, then exclaim for the umpteenth time "The sight he must have been on the train into town dressed as a nun! Only him, only he'd do somthing like that..." Yeah oonly him and every other bloke who bought a nun's habit from Smiffy's that day.

EDIT: I can't type
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Hehehe
I hate it when people do that at work, sit there chuckling hoping you'll ask what's so funny... and when you try and ignore it, they just get louder and louder until they finally crack and just tell you anyway!!

I do feel like turning to them when they do that shouting 'I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR BLOODY KIDS HAVE DONE NOW, THAT'S WHY I IGNORED YOUR CHUCKLE'
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:47, Reply)

That's exactly it
The girl on the other side of the office said that she can almost hear my fury in my silence. She often bursts out laughing at my attempts to ignore this woman or dismiss her with a disinterested response. Then Bore Woman asks her what she's laughing at, because she's a nosey bitch and she wants us to be as interested in her life as she is in everybody else's. She said that her son's girlfriend had 'state-of-the-art' clothes. We're assuming she means 'top-of-the-range', unless the girlfriend has those tracksuits with central heating, like I saw on Tomorrow's World once.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:52, Reply)

she might mean an invisibility coat

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:59, Reply)

Or striped t-shirts
Like the lad in Flight of the Navigator
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:01, Reply)

Hahaha bless
'State-of-the-art' clothes, I love that! :)

Thankfully most of the people where I work now actually work and don't annoy me too much, at my first proper office job everyone there was over 50 and going through the menopause at the same time, it was horrific!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:00, Reply)

Oh the windows are always open in here
My window is not, and I have my fan heater on.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:03, Reply)

Hahaha what is that all about
They did used to sit there saying 'I'm so hot, its so hot in here' all the bloody time. I used to answer the phones in my coat and offer to make cups of tea so I could heat my hands on the kettle!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:06, Reply)

A spider ate my pen

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:25, Reply)

Are you seeking revenge?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:27, Reply)

I've built an assault vehicle out of paperclips
we invade the nest at dusk
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:29, Reply)

You won't be able to pin the spider to the wall by ALL of its legs
Just two or three...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:32, Reply)

It'll be a tough fight for sure
but I've got my copper hat on, and I'm willing to fight to the death
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:35, Reply)

Copper?
Don't you mean tin.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:39, Reply)

Nope
They closed the tin mines around here years ago
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:44, Reply)

It's actually tin-foil
So that They can't send their radio waves to his brain
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:44, Reply)

Only an idiot would think spiders have radiowave technology
they use lasers and quantum disrupters instead
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:47, Reply)

I stand corrected
Now, who looks after you? Would you like me to call somebody?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 13:54, Reply)

ARACHNO-BUSTERS

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:00, Reply)

I can't hear you...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:04, Reply)

Who Ya Gonna Call?
ARACHNO-BUSTERS
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:07, Reply)

LOUDER!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:09, Reply)

stupid internet can't get any louder

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:21, Reply)

pffft

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 14:23, Reply)

Just a Helicopter?
No Bridge? No Shark?

I'm calling fake!
( Peej, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 16:03, Reply)

She's just flown off again.
No sharks or bridges in sight.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Nov 2009, 16:14, Reply)