I'm a fully paid up Scottish Bastard
but I've never been to a Burns Night, let alone addressed a haggis, never worn a kilt, never had a deep fried mars bar, never drank buckfast, never stabbed someone, never had cancer and have only recently decided to try haggis.

So I can't really give any specific help, unfortunately.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:56, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

the only time I've been to a Burns night
it was in England. Just because I'm Scottish and it's tradition you still have to look at what you're doing: eating not terribly exciting food and reading poetry.

Why!?
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I'm never going to a Burns night.
Not after what happened to that Simon Weston fellow.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Did you know he won the Littlewoods Pools, but they never paid out
because he burnt his coupon.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:05, Reply)

you're a bad man
teeheehee
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Ha!
I have it on reasonably good authority that he is a fucking cunt.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:06, Reply)

I could believe that
He always looks like he is putting on a face, and a horribly disfigured one at that, whenever he's on telly. Probably a vicious wife beater behind closed doors.



"LICK THE SCARS YOU FUCKING BITCH"
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Some genius on here
shopped up a 'Simon Weston Grill' a la George Foreman:

'so good I put my face on it'

Superb.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I remember that one
As you say, fucking genius.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:18, Reply)

You missed the drinking whisky.
Never forget the drinking of whisky.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:10, Reply)

whisky is foul, awful stuff
Irn-Bru and Deuchars IPA are my favourite Scottish drinks
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Nonsense, it's fucking GRATE.
I like that Innis & Gunn beer too - that's pretty delicious.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Funny you should mention that
I was gonna suggest this beer yesterday in the Drambuie thread. Delicious stuff, and they do a few different varieties. The black labelled 'Rum Cask' version is the best i've tried. Pretty strong as well!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I think I read somewhere
that it was created almost by accident - as a by product of another process. Whatever its origins I fackin LAV it. Particularly when they brought out those big fucking bottles of it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:48, Reply)

We took a whole load of bottles
with us when we went camping last year, ended up pure rudderless. Definitely try and track down the other varieties, well worth it.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:52, Reply)

it was an accident
at least, according to the brewery. a distillery wanted to do a whisky finished in beer casks (you see all those ones finished in sherry or bourbon casks, so why the fuck not). so they made some beer, then after aging it, were going to pitch it out, and send the casks to the distillery. then they realized that the beer was tasty.

www.thestar.com/article/186272--roll-out-the-barrels-for-beer
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I am a fully blown Scottish cunt
and I've been to a few Burns suppers. Just read the fucking thing, this website seems to have a good "phonetic" way of writing:

www.robertburns.org/works/147.shtml

Can't go wrong - if you're not Scottish there's no point trying to mimmick the accent. Read it like it's written above.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:08, Reply)

By the way
Haggis Neeps and Tatties is up there with my favourite meals ever.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I had haggis in Edinburgh
it was yummy. Kaol worked his way through every scottish food going. Except deep friend mars bars I think. And that was mainly because we didn't see anywhere that did them
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Haggis is marvellous.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Gawd those deep fried Mars bars are disgusting
It is annoying they've become associated with Scotland because essentially it was a chavvy chip shop owner who stuck whatever he could find in the deep fat fryer. Nobody even likes it it's a gimmick!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:13, Reply)