Scottish b3tards, i need your help
I've been asked to address the haggis at a Burns Supper. I'm usually fine with public speaking, especially when there's liquor involved. But after doing a little bit of research, I've realized that this is something that requires at least a tiny portion of a clue how to pronounce scottish words, from the burns poem. I'm a cunning linguist, but Scottish is really not in my comfort zone, pronunciation-wise. Is there any graceful way I can suggest that I give a toast to the haggis, rather than the full reading of the address? Alternatively, is it in any way acceptable to read only a portion of the address?
thanks muchly.
for what it's worth, i've gotten myself a kilt and ghillie shirt for the evening; in the scottish national tartan.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 4:21, 57 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It depends who you are addressing
If the room is full of real scotsmen, you're fucked.

If it is full of 10th generation, "I've been told that one of my ancestors was half scottish, immigrants," just give it your best shot. Wright out the speech as if it was a poem, and the pronunciation will meet the rhymes. Do it straight, and try not to sound like Billy Connolly.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:07, Reply)

^^
What he said. If the adressee's are not Scottish, then they will probably be sitting thinking "Thank fuck i'm not doing it" and allow you to mumble your way through and applaud loudly when you are finished.

After all, there is a big plate of food to get tucked into, and whisky to get tanked, their minds will all be on that.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:56, Reply)

Thanks for that, but
they will be drinking whisky.

It's important to Scots people, and I'm not one, to spell it right.

Otherwise they throw a hissy fit and hit the nearest englishman.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Ninja'd
and yes, you're right.....sitting here in my Glasgow dungeon, I should know better.

*shames*
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:19, Reply)

shame on you
Cancer Joy, shame on you.

That crime is punishable only by change of nationality - to English...
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Ladys and gentelman, and those who are classed as 'other'....
It is with great honor that to night, of all nights, I shall be addressing the mighty haggus. And as such, "[read out the address of where you are]", and with that, you are addressed.

And then get a samouri sword and go "EEEEEEEEEE-HYDUKAN !" and slice it in half.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:13, Reply)

You must have Spey water running through your veins Gonz
Are you the laird of the isles perchance?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:17, Reply)

Nope, londoner born'n'bread, grown'n'raised.
I went up to Aberdeen a few years ago where I had my first haggis, deep-fried-black-pudding*, Macaroni Pie (that happened to be deep fried), Potato [cakes? bread?.. triangler things]** and white-pudding (I quite liked that too).

I used to think "An English Fry-Up" was the best breakfast in the world, but it pales in comparison to a Scottish one, and we only went weatherspoons for it.

But the thing that I really wanted try was a deep-fried confectionery bar, not really bothered what one. My misses at the time refused to allow me to try that, but I found a place near Rosalicious's yard that sold them, so I tried one there.


* and it wasn't slices either, it was a proper sausages, a thick one too, I couldn't eat more than a few bites, it really wasn't my cup of tea.
** Now these, I fucking loved, and my tesco accross the road sale them ! I really think they make an amazing part of a fry-up.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:32, Reply)

I am corrected Sir
you have lard running through your tubes.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:41, Reply)

Damn straight skippy.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:51, Reply)

You mean
tattie scones? Marvellous things.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:50, Reply)

I'm not sure, if I remember correctly...
They're thinish, about half a cm, triangler with the long edge of the triangle being slightly curved. They absorbed the oil from the rest of the fry-up and went slightly crispy.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:54, Reply)

How does one address a haggis?
Does 'Sir' not suffice?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:33, Reply)

Mornin' r0o0o0o0otah !
You ready for a fuckin' wicked day? I am.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:36, Reply)

Oh too right! I'm just going to clean the flat, woo!!
See you on the other side dude :)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:38, Reply)

Good stuff !
Bung on the shakira up full vol and enjoy =)
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:40, Reply)

"pudden"
Phonetically

Morning Roots.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:39, Reply)

Aye
Great chieftan o the pudden race.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Your going to be wearing a skirta and a blouse

the speech is the least of your worries!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:10, Reply)

My non-murdering grandfather spent over 20 years
writing a 3-volume complete annotated assessment of poems attributed to Burns. It's still in print and regarded as pretty much the authority on the subject to this day:

www.amazon.ca/Poems-Songs-Robert-Burns/dp/0192811142

I clicked on his name for other stuff he did and was horrified:

www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/search-handle-url?_encoding=UTF8&search-type=ss&index=books-ca&field-author=James%20Kinsley

There's fucking LOADS of it. No wonder I've a sickening sense of underachievement...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Nice one
He set the bar pretty high, I wouldn't worry too much about surpassing it. Goes a way to explaining the latent grammar Nazi within though.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:27, Reply)

38 results on Amazon when you've been dead since 1984
is frankly terrifying.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Yeah, but you have posted 194 stories on B3ta
and I bet more people have read them.

Chin up.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Hahaha - excellent point, dear boy.
One of them concerned crapping on my brother's bedside rug, too - I don't see THAT in the Oxford Book of fucking Ballads.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:45, Reply)

That's the spirit
If I had to meet my ancestors achievments, I would have to be blown up by a V1.

I think I'll set my own goals thanks.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:49, Reply)

And...
...I bet he knew fuck all about psychedelia.

Get over him, the big show-off twat.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:05, Reply)

I'm pretty certain he knew absolutely fuck all about it.
He was very much involved in traditional folk singing though, the big bender.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Morris dancing too?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I imagine that as an English tradition he frowned upon it
He was also a big fat fucker who looked like Father Christmas so I imagine that might rather have curtailed any potential dancing antics.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Nothing to get over
I never knew the old bastard. I am certain he knew nothing about psychedelia, he died in 1945. They shot hippies then.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:13, Reply)

And rightly so...

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:16, Reply)

We used to have
a plethora of Scottish B3tans but they all seem to have run off
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:48, Reply)

They ran out of shillings for the meter
*hides*
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:50, Reply)

I'm a fully paid up Scottish Bastard
but I've never been to a Burns Night, let alone addressed a haggis, never worn a kilt, never had a deep fried mars bar, never drank buckfast, never stabbed someone, never had cancer and have only recently decided to try haggis.

So I can't really give any specific help, unfortunately.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:56, Reply)

the only time I've been to a Burns night
it was in England. Just because I'm Scottish and it's tradition you still have to look at what you're doing: eating not terribly exciting food and reading poetry.

Why!?
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I'm never going to a Burns night.
Not after what happened to that Simon Weston fellow.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Did you know he won the Littlewoods Pools, but they never paid out
because he burnt his coupon.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:05, Reply)

you're a bad man
teeheehee
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Ha!
I have it on reasonably good authority that he is a fucking cunt.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:06, Reply)

I could believe that
He always looks like he is putting on a face, and a horribly disfigured one at that, whenever he's on telly. Probably a vicious wife beater behind closed doors.



"LICK THE SCARS YOU FUCKING BITCH"
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Some genius on here
shopped up a 'Simon Weston Grill' a la George Foreman:

'so good I put my face on it'

Superb.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I remember that one
As you say, fucking genius.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:18, Reply)

You missed the drinking whisky.
Never forget the drinking of whisky.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:10, Reply)

whisky is foul, awful stuff
Irn-Bru and Deuchars IPA are my favourite Scottish drinks
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Nonsense, it's fucking GRATE.
I like that Innis & Gunn beer too - that's pretty delicious.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Funny you should mention that
I was gonna suggest this beer yesterday in the Drambuie thread. Delicious stuff, and they do a few different varieties. The black labelled 'Rum Cask' version is the best i've tried. Pretty strong as well!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I think I read somewhere
that it was created almost by accident - as a by product of another process. Whatever its origins I fackin LAV it. Particularly when they brought out those big fucking bottles of it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:48, Reply)

We took a whole load of bottles
with us when we went camping last year, ended up pure rudderless. Definitely try and track down the other varieties, well worth it.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:52, Reply)

it was an accident
at least, according to the brewery. a distillery wanted to do a whisky finished in beer casks (you see all those ones finished in sherry or bourbon casks, so why the fuck not). so they made some beer, then after aging it, were going to pitch it out, and send the casks to the distillery. then they realized that the beer was tasty.

www.thestar.com/article/186272--roll-out-the-barrels-for-beer
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I am a fully blown Scottish cunt
and I've been to a few Burns suppers. Just read the fucking thing, this website seems to have a good "phonetic" way of writing:

www.robertburns.org/works/147.shtml

Can't go wrong - if you're not Scottish there's no point trying to mimmick the accent. Read it like it's written above.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:08, Reply)

By the way
Haggis Neeps and Tatties is up there with my favourite meals ever.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I had haggis in Edinburgh
it was yummy. Kaol worked his way through every scottish food going. Except deep friend mars bars I think. And that was mainly because we didn't see anywhere that did them
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Haggis is marvellous.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Gawd those deep fried Mars bars are disgusting
It is annoying they've become associated with Scotland because essentially it was a chavvy chip shop owner who stuck whatever he could find in the deep fat fryer. Nobody even likes it it's a gimmick!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Drink a lot of Buckfast and you will be fine...
...otherwise go here for advice.

Burns night speeches
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:09, Reply)

If the room is full of real scotsmen, you're fucked.
Just say a few jokes like:

Why do scotsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep get nervous when they hear zippers.

(You will then have something to do with the sword besides cutting the haggis.)
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:20, Reply)

Thanks
Thanks so much for all the replies. I'm thinking that I'll give it my best shot, after having had a few glasses of courage. I'll just try to pronounce it as it's written. And invite people to belt me if I sound like Billy Connolly. I figure as long as I make the effort, it won't be panned too badly. For what it's worth, it's at a pub. I've been invited to do the address, because I'm doing all the beer pairings (they gave me the menu and I came up with the pairings). It's a bunch of Williams Brothers stuff (Fraoch Heather ale, etc.) and an Innis and Gunn. Alas, not the rum cask version.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:25, Reply)