Hm
I got a call the other day from a friend of mine who lives down in London. To cut a long story short, a few months ago he was briefly dating a young lady but decided that she was too much and called things off. So far, so good. However, the other day he got a phone call off her explaining that she's 3 months pregnant and that he's the father. Pausing for a moment to gather his thoughts, he riposted with some very good reasons why he couldn't be father of said sprog, namely:

1. She's 3 months pregnant, he hasn't seen her for 5 months.
2. They never danced the sweaty love jig.

Unperturbed she ignored him, is insistent he's the father, has been calling him and texting him, has now got her father involved (in a mildly threatening 'you knocked my daughter up' manner) and is now insisting that he take a DNA test to 'prove' to him that the baby is his. He's had 15 calls today so far apparently.

Being a rather laid back chap, he's wondering which tropical paradise he should high-tail it to until the crazed would be matriarch calms down, any suggestions?
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:15, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

DNA test
will sort the lies from the wheat from the chaff.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:19, Reply)

and soon

(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:20, Reply)

Yeah
I told him that. But he seems rather eager to put some distance between him and her first. Apparently his (if true) reasonable objections to his potential fatherhood are falling on deaf ears.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:21, Reply)

ah well, you've done all you can then
if he's certain he's not the father he's got nothing to worry about. he can simply deny that he is until either the mother gives up or makes him take a test. sounds like he doth protest too much from here, but then I don't know either of you.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:23, Reply)

True
Think he's getting a little freaked out by it though. Meh, he'll end up getting a DNA test and then whoever is telling the truth will be vindicated.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:24, Reply)

Sounds like the best next step - a test

(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:26, Reply)

I'm just like Jeremy fucking Kyle

(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:27, Reply)

Then you need to scourge yourself
Scourge yourself hard
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:28, Reply)

with red wine
yummy yummy red wine
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:29, Reply)

Whilst listening to UB40?

(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:31, Reply)

hell no
Spiritualized and now a fucking large white russian.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:35, Reply)

White Russians are amazing
Possibly the best drink ever.

Calcium for bones and teeth, along with vodka for liver failure - its the king of drinks
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:36, Reply)

Milk for avoiding acid reflux
I can see why the dude drinks them everyday. Red wine is too much.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:39, Reply)

Jersey
It's not civilisation, no one will find him there.

I'm sitting on the floor of my room making a "cheerful" playlist.
I've made the mistake of putting a song I've not heard in ages and think is catchy. It's doing a lot to upset me and there's a real chance that this will turn into putting Usher back on.
I'm quite proud of it. It shows my weird and horrible taste in music.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:34, Reply)

No Usher!
Never Usher!

No Usher!
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:35, Reply)

70s funk/disco is always good
for uplifting needs.

As you are a girl, Chic would probably be a good choice.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:38, Reply)

This is it so far
open.spotify.com/user/lelaiknumi/playlist/6wfPPLKgbWMgc79XoJ5Ae2

I can say wholeheartedly I love every single song on it.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:40, Reply)

I just bought
this on vinyl (gotta love charity shops). Been listening to it maybe a little too much

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kca32orFys
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:43, Reply)

I think I might have lost one of my treasured possessions
which is a vinyl.

That's strangely catchy.
I like listening to vinyls. That John Peel thing about vinyls being life like is great. The thing where you can concentrate on the crackles and blips and not enjoy the music, or you could sit back, and let it enrich your experience.
Or some shit.

Oh god, someone just bahh'ed.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:45, Reply)

That would
be the goat.

The cover picture is amazing - a photo of Pluto Shervington headbutting a goat.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:47, Reply)

AHA!
2.bp.blogspot.com/_SuF20p9BiFI/SHk6kYr5mAI/AAAAAAAAB0I/KBQW0tvKdUM/s320/Front.jpg
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:48, Reply)

o_O
that's something special.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:50, Reply)

Yeah
when I saw it I knew I had to have it. Regardless of what the album was like.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:51, Reply)

This is the vinyl I mentioned earlier:
Mainly sentimental value though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:53, Reply)

Interesting cover
but nowhere near as good as Pluto's.

The combination of man, goat and aggro can't be beaten
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:54, Reply)

They're incomparable, I think
I have a thing for hands though.

Arcade Fire like using hands in their artwork.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:56, Reply)

I like that one

(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:57, Reply)

Ever listened to them?
It's a rare album I love all the tracks on it, and Funeral is one of them.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:58, Reply)

Listened to a little bit of Arcade Fire
but since I've moved back into a box room at my parents most of my music is still in storage, and all the stuff I had on an external harddrive went west when I dropped it down the stairs, so mostly been using the internet for music or listening to the radio
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:59, Reply)

Bad times.
My ipod's a bit fucked, been dropped a few many times, and I don't want to fork out for a new one just yet. Maybe a couple of months.
I've been out of touch with music anyway.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:01, Reply)

if you dropped it
down the stairs - surely it went South?
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:04, Reply)

Well the stairs run west
so possibly south-west?
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:08, Reply)

Awesome!
That's going right on after I've finished with Spiritualized. Cheers! Does look like my sort of thing.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:47, Reply)

Woah
Apart from the Muse.

And there're a few other things I suspect I will hate, still I will give it a try in a bit. Spiritualized are so hit-the-spottish.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:48, Reply)

Hahahaha
I'm an old-school Muser. The new stuff is shit, but you can't deny Plug in Baby is amazing.

Ah, realised there's no Los Campesinos! in it. Error.
Of Montreal are fantastic. Most of their (many) albums are on Spotify, but not my favourite song of theirs at the moment (Jennifer Louise)
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:50, Reply)

Unintended
is a sublime tune. Shame I can't get into anything else they release.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:53, Reply)

Origin of Symmetry is a great album.
Showbiz is a good album, great tune.

It goes down hill from there.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:55, Reply)

Jeremy Kyle.
It's the only reasonable, rational solution.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:37, Reply)

Mr. In Tights
are you seriously pairing Jeremy Kyle with the phrase "reasonable, rational solution"?
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:39, Reply)

You're SCUM.
Get off my sofa.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:40, Reply)

I'm JEREMY KYLE
*looks at camera causing a small dog to drop dead somewhere*
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:42, Reply)

OH FUCK
/ac
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:43, Reply)

If we're lucky
his planned move to the US will go well and he'll never come back
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:45, Reply)

Or he'll get headbutted himself.
OR they'll introduce real bear-baiting, it'll go wrong, and he'll get mauled to death.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:46, Reply)

Please god please god please god

(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:47, Reply)

haha
man, it could happen
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:54, Reply)

But of course.
Why talk through your problems with your friends and family - or even a trained professional - when you can air your dirty laundry on national television?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:49, Reply)

I wasn't aware it was on National Television
It never seems to be mentioned on his show
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:50, Reply)

That's because Saint Kyle is so modest and unassuming.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:54, Reply)

I could easily see him
as any one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:55, Reply)

Death, War, Famine and Pikey Circus Master?

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:56, Reply)

In his shellsuit of doom
Dishing out end of times justice on a McDonalds bench...
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:56, Reply)

GET OFF MY BENCH, YOU SCUM!!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:02, Reply)

Except you, sweetheart...

(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:03, Reply)

He's a fucking pestilence alright.
Alright?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 22:57, Reply)

Alright, ta.
Alright?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:01, Reply)

Not bad not bad at all.
It's too cold for my liking and I can't be arsed with work. But other than that things ain't in the shitter.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:02, Reply)

i dont know where they film it
but before i moved to Spain it was on STV in Central Scotland - that was 4 years ago
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 23:07, Reply)

I believe it's now filmed at the Granada studio in Manchester
Not that I went looking for it. Honest.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 9:48, Reply)