In response to a housing benefit application
I've been sent a form about self-employed earnings. I don't have any prepared accounts for the last financial year and I don't even know what a Schedule D Tax Assessment is or when I'd expect to receive one. This makes me fucking sadface because I know without any of these official things I won't get any further in my application but I can't afford an accountant to help me with any of it. I can just about afford to eat. This is rusting my soul and is the end of my rant.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:17, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

shit mate that's rubbish
I only know one accountant and he's a total cunt so no point in asking for a favour...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Well I know where we stand now
*flounces off to cry*

:D
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:26, Reply)

Ha - didn't mean you, old boy
Well now you are morally obliged to do Noel's accounts, aren't you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:28, Reply)

Nah, conflict of interest mate
the conflict being that it doesnt interest me - BADUM-TISH!

They want to see his last tax return because they want to know how much he earns.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Hahah ah well, tough shit, Noely-boy!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:33, Reply)

They will accept prepared accounts (audited or otherwise) apparently.
I think this is something I can do myself - it's an incredibly simple setup so I should just be able to put them together and send them back with the form. I think.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:35, Reply)

Without wanting to give bad advice
I've just checked your profile and you run a charity. Dont you need to have audited accounts to maintain charity status?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:37, Reply)

'Shirters Anonymous' isn't a REAL charity, you oaf.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:43, Reply)

That's ok, i'm not a real accountant (well, I dont act like one anyway)
He'll have to pay "Schedule D - Shirters Tax", otherwise he'll get a visit from the inspector...THE BOTTOM INSPECTOR
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:50, Reply)

hahaha excellent

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:01, Reply)

It's a charity in the sense that I occasionally do altruistic things for absolutely no money whatsoever
and have, to date, made £150 which I put in there from the odd bit left over from wages and selling a couple of guitar pedals, which I spent on myself for spending hours on the Web site*. Until it gains a head of steam - hopefully over the spring and summer this year as the weather improves - I'll start fund-raising and applying for grants and take on an accountant to do all that shit for me. Until then, it's a charity in spirit only and isn't registered as such.
* I'm not sure 'desperately needing bog roll' is good justification for paying myself for twenty hours work, but hey, I'm cheap.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:04, Reply)

Course you can, dear boy.
Think of how many utter retards do it every year.

This is what I tell myself about driving.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:38, Reply)

since you put it that way
i'm gonna book my driving test now.



Or not - the fucking theory book is difficult enough without trying to study it in Spanish.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:43, Reply)

I'm 37 this year
and the only time I've sat in the driver's seat of a car has been to skin up at a rave.

/pathetic
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:44, Reply)

the thing i keep telling myself
is that if my grandad could learn at 50-plus, i can surely do it at half that age.

Granted, he had nothing much else to do at that age
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:46, Reply)

the thing I keep telling myself
is 'you live in London, cars are a hindrance here, you don't need one'. As my daughter gets older this is liable to become less and less true....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:02, Reply)

Kiddo's just turned thirteen
and I still don't have a car. And we live in the relative 'sticks'.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:08, Reply)

Oooof.
This probably wins. I'm drowing in bureaucracy; but so are you, and your drowning has immediate and quite serious implications.

Yikes.

EDIT: Does the benefits office not provide someone to help you? You can't be the only one in this situation; and if you're entitled to the money, there probably is some way to get assistance with the paperwork. CAB, as an alternative.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:20, Reply)

the inland revenue site is fairly good, too

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:24, Reply)

I've just had a bit of a google
and it all looks relatively simple to get together, especially considering my self-employment consists solely of working 42 hours a week and getting paid £200, and that's about it. I'm pretty handy with Excel so I should be able to throw something suitable together. Getting past the mental block is the key - this whole thing gives me the major fear.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:27, Reply)

The mental block is often the biggest problem.
*looks at self sternly*
*goes back to forms*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:34, Reply)

if you like that sort of thing, I suppose....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:29, Reply)

Probably.
I've got a bit of a mental block when it comes to shit like this. I used to be terrible with money and reached rock bottom a few years back. I've been so good for the past two or three years but not in any 'official' capacity so I'm probably not entitled to anything in the first place. I think a trip to the CAB might be in order. Good call that man.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:25, Reply)