I'm currently filling in application forms.
I've just been told I can have six months' research leave (woo!), and I'm hoping to extend that to 13 months. The downside of getting those extra months is that I need to get funding.

And this requires soul-destroying application forms detailing exactly what I'll be doing and what impact it'll have. (I'M A FUCKING PHILOSOPHER! IF I WAS GOING TO HAVE AN IMPACT, I'D HAVE STAYED IN THE LORRY DRIVING JOB AND AIMED AT A PEDESTRIAN!)

What's gradually rusting your soul right now?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:51, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I sensing from your post that you're a little annoyed,
woo-ed, but also a little annoyed.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I'm too intellectually napalmed to be annoyed, to be honest.
I'm beginning to wonder whether the application form is the first, and biggest, weeding instrument: anyone who finishes it automatically gets money because so few actually do finish it.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:57, Reply)

A valid point
Just think though, once you’ve finished the gargantuan form of doom you can carry it around with you and thwack unsuspecting people in the face with. When they enquire as to why you felt the need to thwack them you can simply say ‘I’m on leave mofo’ and you can run off into the night.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:02, Reply)

It's rusting my soul that you think you're entitled to 13 months of doing what you want without filling in some forms first.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:56, Reply)

Fair point.
It'll be 46 weeks of shambling around in a dressing gown, three weeks of panic, and three weeks of writing like a madman.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:58, Reply)

You will get absolutly no fucking sympathy from me.
Take your QQ and fuck off back to filling in your big scary form.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Alright mr happy pants?

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:03, Reply)

QQ?

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Quaffable Quim

(TheColonel, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:10, Reply)

Quince Quim

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:10, Reply)

Quorn Quiche?

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:13, Reply)

You have won.

(TheColonel, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:14, Reply)

Really?
Coooooool

*rocks out*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:15, Reply)

What about
Quantifiable Quavers?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:16, Reply)

Nothing with quiche ever wins.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:18, Reply)

Are you sure
it just did mannnn!

Quiche is wrong... even ham and cheese ones... they're weird.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:21, Reply)

weird utterly ghastly.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:23, Reply)

That too!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:26, Reply)

Home made quiche is really good, promise

shop bought is not good in any way shape or form
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:23, Reply)

Well said.
All the quiche haters can go and fuck themselves



with a quiche
(TheColonel, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:26, Reply)

But... nooooo
that's just odd. You go fuck a quiche, seeing as you love them so much!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:28, Reply)

I will.
Angry sex is the best.
(TheColonel, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 8:47, Reply)

I am still sceptical
I have never met a person with mad quiche skillz.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:27, Reply)

I'll gaz you a slice...tomorrow

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:33, Reply)

It has many uses but I was using it as a pair of teary eyes.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:04, Reply)

quadruple strength quaaludes

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:12, Reply)

I had my soul chrome plated so it doesn't rust
I do have to get it buffed once a month though
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:57, Reply)

I bet you do dear....

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:01, Reply)

I will miss the United v AC Milan game....
...because my boring in-laws are coming to stay and will regale me with tales of ISAs and pension plans, conversations about how the traffic was on the M6/M5 intersection and what colour they are going to paint the landing.

Fucking knackers.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 16:59, Reply)

This sounds preferable to the football

Just thought i'd say it first...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:00, Reply)

You should meet the fuckers.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:03, Reply)

Shall we swap places, I am considering an ISA

Where are you?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:05, Reply)

The M5/ M6 interchange can be horrid, though.
You ought to be more symapthetic to their plight.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:05, Reply)

who wants to listen
to talk about traffic?
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:14, Reply)

Motorists

(TheColonel, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:15, Reply)

traffic reports
maybe. general everyday conversation about traffic? rip my ears off with a rusty coathanger please
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:33, Reply)

Jerry from The Good Life?

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:18, Reply)

Steve Winwood?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:20, Reply)

In response to a housing benefit application
I've been sent a form about self-employed earnings. I don't have any prepared accounts for the last financial year and I don't even know what a Schedule D Tax Assessment is or when I'd expect to receive one. This makes me fucking sadface because I know without any of these official things I won't get any further in my application but I can't afford an accountant to help me with any of it. I can just about afford to eat. This is rusting my soul and is the end of my rant.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:17, Reply)

shit mate that's rubbish
I only know one accountant and he's a total cunt so no point in asking for a favour...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Well I know where we stand now
*flounces off to cry*

:D
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:26, Reply)

Ha - didn't mean you, old boy
Well now you are morally obliged to do Noel's accounts, aren't you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:28, Reply)

Nah, conflict of interest mate
the conflict being that it doesnt interest me - BADUM-TISH!

They want to see his last tax return because they want to know how much he earns.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Hahah ah well, tough shit, Noely-boy!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:33, Reply)

They will accept prepared accounts (audited or otherwise) apparently.
I think this is something I can do myself - it's an incredibly simple setup so I should just be able to put them together and send them back with the form. I think.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:35, Reply)

Without wanting to give bad advice
I've just checked your profile and you run a charity. Dont you need to have audited accounts to maintain charity status?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:37, Reply)

'Shirters Anonymous' isn't a REAL charity, you oaf.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:43, Reply)

That's ok, i'm not a real accountant (well, I dont act like one anyway)
He'll have to pay "Schedule D - Shirters Tax", otherwise he'll get a visit from the inspector...THE BOTTOM INSPECTOR
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:50, Reply)

hahaha excellent

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:01, Reply)

It's a charity in the sense that I occasionally do altruistic things for absolutely no money whatsoever
and have, to date, made £150 which I put in there from the odd bit left over from wages and selling a couple of guitar pedals, which I spent on myself for spending hours on the Web site*. Until it gains a head of steam - hopefully over the spring and summer this year as the weather improves - I'll start fund-raising and applying for grants and take on an accountant to do all that shit for me. Until then, it's a charity in spirit only and isn't registered as such.
* I'm not sure 'desperately needing bog roll' is good justification for paying myself for twenty hours work, but hey, I'm cheap.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:04, Reply)

Course you can, dear boy.
Think of how many utter retards do it every year.

This is what I tell myself about driving.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:38, Reply)

since you put it that way
i'm gonna book my driving test now.



Or not - the fucking theory book is difficult enough without trying to study it in Spanish.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:43, Reply)

I'm 37 this year
and the only time I've sat in the driver's seat of a car has been to skin up at a rave.

/pathetic
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:44, Reply)

the thing i keep telling myself
is that if my grandad could learn at 50-plus, i can surely do it at half that age.

Granted, he had nothing much else to do at that age
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:46, Reply)

the thing I keep telling myself
is 'you live in London, cars are a hindrance here, you don't need one'. As my daughter gets older this is liable to become less and less true....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:02, Reply)

Kiddo's just turned thirteen
and I still don't have a car. And we live in the relative 'sticks'.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:08, Reply)

Oooof.
This probably wins. I'm drowing in bureaucracy; but so are you, and your drowning has immediate and quite serious implications.

Yikes.

EDIT: Does the benefits office not provide someone to help you? You can't be the only one in this situation; and if you're entitled to the money, there probably is some way to get assistance with the paperwork. CAB, as an alternative.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:20, Reply)

the inland revenue site is fairly good, too

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:24, Reply)

I've just had a bit of a google
and it all looks relatively simple to get together, especially considering my self-employment consists solely of working 42 hours a week and getting paid £200, and that's about it. I'm pretty handy with Excel so I should be able to throw something suitable together. Getting past the mental block is the key - this whole thing gives me the major fear.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:27, Reply)

The mental block is often the biggest problem.
*looks at self sternly*
*goes back to forms*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:34, Reply)

if you like that sort of thing, I suppose....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:29, Reply)

Probably.
I've got a bit of a mental block when it comes to shit like this. I used to be terrible with money and reached rock bottom a few years back. I've been so good for the past two or three years but not in any 'official' capacity so I'm probably not entitled to anything in the first place. I think a trip to the CAB might be in order. Good call that man.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:25, Reply)

You have no bleedin idea!
Wait,just wait,till you grow up get older and start with the mortgages and children and council tax and schools and DVLA and HMRC and all the other bastards who all have forms to fill in so you can apply for the right form to fill in.
Hope that eleviates your mood.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Been doing all that for years already...
Except the schools. God willing, I'll never have to worry about that.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:21, Reply)

Say not the struggle nought availith.
Ha! That's what you say now (about children).
Twenty or so years from now you'll be sending an Ickle Enzyme off to uni and wondering where all the years went.
A lot of the years will have been spent filling in forms.

At least I hope so - the Enzymes of the world must breed or darkness will overwhelm us.

Feeling chuffed and buffed enough?
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:33, Reply)

Oooh - both chuffed and buffed, ta!

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:35, Reply)

You're a what?!
Get a proper fucking job, you shirter!

But seriously, you get paid to go "hmmm..." and stroke your chin in a pondersome fashion? Sweet. I well should have gone to uni.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:32, Reply)

Monders, you old bounder, you!
How the devil are you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:34, Reply)

hmm - soul-rusting
well, let's see. I'm running my missus company for her while she attempts another bigger venture, and I don't have a clue what I'm doing. The company is also 'under scrutiny' from the tax people for some irregularities in 2008. I'm also undergoing the long boring and rather confusing process of making myself self-employed (mostly to avoid further trouble with the missus company, but also to charge what I want with my own work)
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 17:39, Reply)

Iron oxide?

( girlinthehole, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:01, Reply)

Work
I moan when I haven't got any and I moan when I have.


I'm all rusted up.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 18:23, Reply)