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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Yesterday evening, the platform at Stratford was particularly busy because some inconsiderate git had decided to off themselves at Bethnal Green at the peak of rush hour.

So, like the good Brit I am, I was queueing for the train. Over the 12 minutes it took a new train to come in, the space around me was slowly filled my more and more pinstriped suits and braying voices. It was, to say the least, heaving with people.

Now, heaving or not, I had been queueing, dammit, and I was getting on the next train first. The train pulled in, and a fellow with particularly wide pinstripes tried to shove his way in front of me. At this point, I grew massive elbows, and wormed my way on to the train.

Oh, how the people pushed, and oh, how the people shoved. Pin Stripe man, obviously angered about how he had to get on the train after me (can you imagine the indignity?), crushed his way on to the carriage - and, more importantly, started crushing me too. I let out a genuine "oh my god the air is being squeezed from my lungs and I fear I may die" kind of gasp. He questioned me:

"What's your farking problem?"

I replied, with the last air I had in my lungs, and at considerable volume:

"YOU'RE RAPING ME!"

He got off the train. And then, between Stratford and Wanstead, everybody was looking at me funny. So, b3ta, my question is this: when did you last falsely accuse a complete stranger?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:21, 132 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
That is fucking brilliant!

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)
that is fucking brilliant
I don't think I have ever falsely accused a stranger


it's always been true
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)
is there an echo in here?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)
in here?
in here?
in here?
in here?
in here?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)
an echo in here?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)
n here?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)
'ere?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)
mine was better

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)
'ne was shite

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)
Yours was selfish
Mine was inclusive.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)
Yea - we know about your 'all inclusive' mine.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:44, Reply)
re?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)
?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)
.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)


(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:06, Reply)
I love you DiT, that is superb!
I can't remember the last time I falsely accused a complete stranger, as when I yell at them it's generally deserved (if a little harsh).

At Go Ape last weekend I did yell "Man the fuck up!" to a mate who was a bit scared, and some random 60 yr old woman told me to mind my language. I meekly apologised.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)
Oh man, I've always wanted to go to Go Ape!
Is it good?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)
I've been to two sites in the last month
It is awesome fun! It takes about 2-3 hours to get around (including safety talk), and it's a laugh with friends.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:36, Reply)
Go Ape is brilliant.
Do it.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)
Brill it is.
There's a clue in the name. Accept that you are safe in your harness and Go Ape - just fly across the ropes like a loony rangytangy.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)
It's really scray until you realise that actually falling off isn't a problem at all.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)
It's not at all scary, ya big jessie

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:56, Reply)
I fucking hate heights
I have difficulty making myself jump off a 6ft rock into water I know is deep enough.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:58, Reply)
I have a healthy respect for them
But you don't notice the height that much when you're concentrating on walking across swinging logs.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:01, Reply)
I just know I wouldn't find that in the least bit enjoyable
it's like rollercoasters. I can go on them, and they are an ok experience, but it doesn't do anything for me.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:02, Reply)

rollercoasters bumders
can
an ok experience, but it doesn't do anything for me. constantly up my arse.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:06, Reply)
you're the one who went to the queer restaurant with a known gay
are you the croissant culprit?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:11, Reply)
No I'm not, but it is fucking hilarious

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:13, Reply)
hmm
my list of possible suspects is greatly reduced

it is hilarious. I don't think I've looked at my profile for ages, so I have no idea how long it has been like that.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:19, Reply)
I fucking hate scary rides.
They terrify me and I get no enjoyment whatsoever from them. I'd happily do something like Go Ape though.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:07, Reply)
Rollercoasters are awesome, Go Ape is awesome
Skydiving is the best though.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:08, Reply)
I screamed and screamed like a little girl when I fell out of the plane
but I would do it again in an instant.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:13, Reply)
I didn't, I shouted "YOOOOOOORRRRRRR!"
And I would definitely do it again. Just without the 5 canceled trips because the weather was shitty.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:14, Reply)
I did it over Byron Bay
not much chance of shitty weather during the Ozzy summer.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:18, Reply)
A piccy
Falling whilst being bummed.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)
Falling off is the start of the fun.
Mind your fingers in the crabs though.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)
I bet you got some room though! Well done.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)
I bet that's not the first time he's been accused of rape.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:28, Reply)
That is fucking brilliant!
You probably get raped all the time though. Last time I was raped was at T in the Park when the crowds are really heaving and the front 50 rows are jumping around and you get knocked about and peoples hands get in places they shouldnt really be, and I'm only wearing a thin pair of 3 quarter lengths so my balls practically end up in soem strangers mouth...

I didn't falsely accuse anyone but I was thinking it..
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)
You deserve everything you got for wearing 3/4 length trousers
Please tell me they weren't "sports wear"
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)
They were fairly sporty
but damnit they are comfy. And it was the height of summer and I feel my legs are too crow-like for full blown shorts.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:36, Reply)
Also:
"You deserve everything you get for going to T in the Park"

EDIT: Oh, the lineup's quite good this year, isn't it? I'm sure that used to be a tacky pop "festival".
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)
Pfft
I've seen some great bands there - Blur, Super Furry Animals, Idlewild, Foo Fighters, James Brown, New Order, Manics, The Specials and loads more

*edit*
The different stages have different acts - and there are lots. Pretty much don't go near the NME stage or the dance kind of tents. Both attract different types of arseholes.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)
Name some of the great bands then.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)
I really fucking hate the Manic Street Preachers
almost as much as I hate U2
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I've hung out with James Bradfield a few times - once we went to a jungle nightclub with him. He's a fucking great bloke (midget though)but his records are terrible, aren't they?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:44, Reply)
You disgust me
I thought Generation Terrorist and the Holy Bible would be right up your street. I admit post-Richie they turned into power-pop-ballad monsters but still I don't mind it.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:45, Reply)
I can't bear the whiny sound of his voice
and the awful fucking whiny lyrics

the first couple of albums are bearable, but a lot of the stuff is fucking crap

the more I think about it, the more comes back to me about how much I loathe their music. If you tolerate this then your children will be next, design for life and motorcycle emptiness being the 3 that sprang to mind. All fucking dire.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)
Right on with the first 2
but how dare you criticise Motorcycle Emptiness?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)
it's his voice mainly
it's like fingernails down a blackboard to me
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:50, Reply)
You know how with some bands there's rather more to them than initially meets the eye (or ear)?
Well, The Manic Street Preachers are the antithesis of this. There really is nothing there. And titles like Interiors (Song For Willem DeKooning)simply say "Look at me, I know about art an that" when the song itself has nothing to say.


Also No 1 in an occasional series of "Cover Versions You'd Love To See"

Dubstar's I'm Not So Manic Now - Richey Edwards.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:09, Reply)
Are you this boring in real life?
I know that a different side of peoples personality often comes out in forums like this, but it's usually more extroverted than their real life persona.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:12, Reply)
Be one with your inner cunt.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:14, Reply)
God knows I'm trying Noel, I'm really trying.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:18, Reply)
you are trying

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:19, Reply)
Thank you folks, I'll be here all week
try the veal, it's fantastic.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)
Yes, yes I am. Which makes it all the more puzzling why, every time I post you're right there behind me.
Go and find someone interesting to follow, you spawned fron spacker spunk stalker.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:19, Reply)
that's at least two people claiming that Al follows them round the internet

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)
Is the other one JMG?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)
Yeah.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)
This is curious though isn't it
I'm here a lot, as you all know, and I reply to a lot of peoples posts, but they never accuse me of following them around the board. But because I'm pointing out what an incredibly boring person he appears to be, that makes me a stalker.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:25, Reply)
unless he is saying you are actually behind him
in which case he should probably be worried that someone impersonating you is in his house or office.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:33, Reply)

house or office shrine to Ian Dury
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:34, Reply)
Heh. If only Barry had thought of that. He could've been spared a lot of hassle.
Of course I didn't kill Dando. I stalk loads of women and they're not dead"

It just seems odd that you would bother to reply to someone you find so dull, using the same joke each time.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)
But... but... That's what he *does*.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:42, Reply)
Oh you totally got in there before me.
You cock guzzler.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:43, Reply)
Stop following me bitch.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)
I'm outside your house
screaming the lords prayer while crying and touching my red raw penis.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:49, Reply)
Do you actually read the posts here?
This entire board is about using the same old jokes, that and ranting about people you hate, the occasional political debate and saying how much we like Tayyabs.

The other big thing done on these boards is insulting people, either for things they clearly haven't done, like being a smug cunt a la Vipros, or in your case, for being almost offensively dull. Most people take this in good humour, even the really horrifically offensive stuff, since this is a comedy website, where people generally want to read funny things, but you don't seem to get this.

And quite honestly, knowing that it winds you up is the reason I keep pointing out that you are actually less interesting than piston broke, because at least he goes along with it.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:43, Reply)
I agree with this
although I am actually a smug cunt
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)
We should force newbies to memorise this post.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:46, Reply)
QOTW OT FAQ al la AL

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:50, Reply)
Who'd have ever, ever thought it?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:54, Reply)
But you're the one getting wound up. Anytime I respond to your joke, you then go into serious mode, as seen above..
Also you're mixing up "not getting" with "finding a bit dull".
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:53, Reply)
I'm not sure I've ever seen him wound-up
but I know I don't want to.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:55, Reply)
^this

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:56, Reply)
I got upset when Wormulus got a new account and did a massive trolling run
It was not my finest hour and since then I've made a point of not taking the internet too seriously. Except when discussing the Tories.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:58, Reply)
was that the lord scrope one?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:02, Reply)
Yeah
with the picture of you choking on the cock of ignorance
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:04, Reply)
ah yes
delightful

I'm not sure I'd ever seen the source photo before. mildly freaked me out.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:05, Reply)
Your responses are always along the lines of
same old boring reply etc.

Now if that's your idea of a witty comeback, or playing along with the joke, then you're simply proving my point about how dull you are.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:59, Reply)
So you making the same joke constantly is an ace laugh. Me responing to the same joke with the same sort of line each time is dull.
I just find you boring. Sorry.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:09, Reply)
stop reacting in the same way
and more than likely he'll stop making the same joke.

either that or ignore the joke and carry on a conversation.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:14, Reply)
He can't let it go now
he's too enraged, crouched over his keyboard, fists shaking in impotent anger. Any minute now he'll go and beat up a woman to prove he's still got what it takes.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:21, Reply)
How dare you? Beating up women is for boorish thugs.
I'm more "cut off the corneas with a craft knife" I take pride in my work.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:35, Reply)
Fron?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:23, Reply)
That's just blatant fat fingeredism. Hang your head in shame.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)
I feel the bands that you class as great
are either deceased or if they're still on the go still peddling their greatest hits from the 70's
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)
*edit*
THE POGUES how could I forget the pogues..
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)
Your point flounders somewhat
when you've just listed James Brown and The Specials - playing their hot new tunes, were they?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:45, Reply)
Haha
thank you for pointing out my contradiction, same goes for The Pogues.

OK who I listed are hardly legends of Rock and Roll but for a £200 weekend plus some excellent drink sessions and substance taking my point about TITP being acceptable stands!
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:48, Reply)
So many bands and so little piss in my bladder

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)
Are you ridiculously tall?
How the fuck did your balls end up in someone's mouth in a mosh pit?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:36, Reply)
Maybe he's a dickhead?
Badum-tish!
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)
They were a midget (*prays this is true*)

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)
Well I am 6 foot 4
but I admit your honour that I "embellished"
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)
I believe his balls are disasterously dangally
As if his scrotum were made of silly putty
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)
My testicles
are like 2 snooker balls in a football sock.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)
Huzzahs!
I bet they all remember you too, and give you airspace in future.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)
It's always the other way round for me.
But then I am Colin Stagg so it's not all that surprising.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Colin Stagg
a rapist
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)
Good point.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:53, Reply)
I accused the waiting staff of lying when they said 5 minutes until our table was ready.
40 minutes later I was proven correct.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)
So, not falsely accusing at all then?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)
Lying darkie bastards.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)
Wooooah eyyyy wooooah
Easy now.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)
I love them really.
One of them looked like a Bollywood leading man in a skin tight pink shirt - he was fucking great.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:47, Reply)
My favourite is the chap
who walks around with the shaved head and the skin tight shirt with teh slashed front showing off his guns.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)
what kind of gay restaurant do you benders go to?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:55, Reply)
I have got a sore arse today.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)
They serve a lot of HOT MEAT.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:05, Reply)
SIZZLING HOT MEAT.

IN ABUNDANCE.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:07, Reply)
I was slightly embaressed at not being able to eat more last night
I think having four or five seek kebabs plus a load of chicken tikka may have been my undoing.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:11, Reply)
Same here.
I didn't realise that was the starter...
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:12, Reply)
Trouble is, the starters are SO good
I often just order massive piles of them and no mains. But you can't pass up the Dry Meat.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:14, Reply)
Correct in every way.
It's all about the starters...apart from all the other tasty mains - it's all about them, too.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:16, Reply)
The only thing it isn't really about is the rice
and the desserts.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:17, Reply)
Yeah those kulfis are a complete waste of time.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:23, Reply)
I felt slightly like an over-ordering noob.
Still, I've got a nice dinner to have tonight as a consolation.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:12, Reply)
Man, I'm drooling.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:11, Reply)
You really should come and visit us sometime
It's worth the trip.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:07, Reply)
If Tayyab's was in Exeter
I'd happily travel to eat there.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:09, Reply)
I'll be up to visit my bro in the not too distant future
I will endeavour to come and meet you folk while I am there.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:12, Reply)
He's fucking epic, that lad.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:56, Reply)
Aside once or twice where I've been to Planet Hollywood*, I don't think I've ever waited for a table.


* OH MAN, I totally forgot about that place, I want to go there, sometime soon, I fucking love planet hollywood.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)
POTW
I also suffered the central line yesterday. I know Bethnal Green is a bit grim but topping yourself as a result is a bit OTT don't you think?
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)
Maybe he had been recently raped by a man in a pinstripe suit?

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:42, Reply)
Or maybe he was accused of rape and couldn't stand the shame.

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)
DIT you bastard

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)
It's the circle of life.
I accuse someone of rape, they can't deal with the stigma of it, later they kill themselves on the central line, causing delays, meaning I have to accuse another person, and so we continue...
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:05, Reply)
or been pinned by a man in a rape suit

(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:47, Reply)
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I think I manlove you.
(, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:47, Reply)

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