Are your wrists strong enough for that?
Or is your mum helping out again?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 11:49, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

They are not.
But the need to frantically and frequently onanise inspired me to create a device using an electric motor, a harmonic oscillator and a pint glass full of Tesco Value Beef Mince (up to 30% pure beef!).
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 11:52, Reply)

needs a ball fondling attachment
in some sort of plush fabric.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Some sort of cupping device?
Possibly even a Warren cupping device?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I take it you chose the mince on being the closest to the contents of the human bowel.
For the authentic touch.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 12:00, Reply)

The closest, yes
But it still doesn't grip as well as a fresh one.

Though if I loosen one of the bearings, I might be able to make it wriggle and squirm...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Maybe some kind of suction?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Hmm...I'm conceiving of a blend of egg and/or cornflour with the mince
The more I pound it with my mighty* pork sword, the thicker it will become, and will feel as though the grip is tightening as it wriggles away in vain.

The next challenge will be to install the donkey-punch button...


*_{read: laughable}
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 12:06, Reply)

I'm sorry
I genuinely think I'm going to be sick.
Though isn't cornflour and water a non-Newtonian fluid? Do you think the same is true of spunk and cornflour?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 12:09, Reply)

It is. It's exciting stuff, as the harder you hit it, the more solid it gets.
Like a sphincter contracting more and more sharply as the jackhammering increases in vigour.

I fear the salty protein suspension that is my semen may, however, break the surface tension and slacken the polluted mixture.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 12:17, Reply)

I remember playing with it when cooped up in a tiny apartment in LA
(cornflour and water, not your semen- I doubt you would have been old enough to produce it then and it's a long way to shoot :P )
It was exciting but because I added food dye my hands were purple. The joys of "Science Experiments"

Well, as for your latter point... THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT! Let us know.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 12:19, Reply)