Shortly after the Criminal Justice Bill was passed
I was lawfully stopped and searched in the street at Angel because I happened to be in the vicinity of an illegal party (you could hear it somewhere, it sounded shit). By a fabulous combination of sheer fluke and police incompetence I was not found to be in possession of 3-5 years' worth of naughtiness - and they searched me twice, such was the evident terror/guilt on my face.

I had my meeting last night. I shall not be going back to work in this field.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:51, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Jesus!
Where were you hiding them?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Ahem. 'Strictly Ballroom'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:54, Reply)

??
Oh...between your balls?

Nice.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:54, Reply)

Turned out to be a very shrewd move.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:55, Reply)

I bet it gave them a unique sweaty flavour.
Right, off to get dressed for lectures. Au revoir mes petits, have fun!
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Have you seen that video of some guy getting searched
policeman: "what's this then? What's this?"
Guy: "That's my penis officer"
Policeman: "umm, sorry about that... you're free to go"
(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:58, Reply)

I don't watch your kind of specialist videos,
I'm afraid, so no, I've not.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:01, Reply)

the guy is not naked
the officer is patting him down from behind/to the side and as the guy is wearing absurd baggy attire (basketball shirt or something) the officer is unaware that he is grabbing the guys beef truncheon.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:04, Reply)

don't stop

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

thinking about tomorrow?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:07, Reply)

At the wedding reception I went to at the weekend
The bride's half-brother (no Bert jokes here) sang a few songs after the first dance, including Don't Stop Believing.
The kid's about 14, but by Jove could he sing! I told the bride that he ought to whore himself out on YouTube and become the British Justin Bieber (though this kid looks less girly) before his balls drop and it all goes to hell.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:14, Reply)

You fancied him, didn't you, 'by Jove'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

No, the bride was looking far too hot for that

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

I believe you. Really.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Last wedding I was at
(two weeks ago) the best man implied the bride was a tranny
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

What did he say?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

He said that after marriage
you find out things about each other. Like that (the bride) wasn't allergic to peanuts, she had a penis.

It was the wrong crowd entirely.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Ha ha, that's so stupid.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

That's not exactly implied
so much as "stated" ;)
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

nah the obvious meaning would be that the groom was gay
and marrying a crossdresser, the implication was that the bride was trans.

Sorry I've been infected by gay night
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I have seen it
and it is most amusing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:02, Reply)

I'll bet you have.
'Cop Gropes 9'

'999 Letsby Avenue'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:03, Reply)

what did the german police officer say to his torso?
YOU ARE UNDER A VEST!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Please leave the internet.
Do not pass 'Go'.
Do not collect £200
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:07, Reply)

*does so*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Good. You've made the right decision not to return to that career.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:54, Reply)

I thought it would clash with my evening work as a rapist.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:55, Reply)

and we all know how you love your evening job.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:03, Reply)

It's thankless work, on the whole,
but I like to think I'm 'giving something back'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

I'm thinking about taking a weekend job punching tramps. Might clash with my new hobby of stabbing gypsies though

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Multi-task, man. You can do it!
Society will thank you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

I do love stabbling gypsies. I think I am going to start leaving pieces of "lucky heather" in each stab wound.
That will show the annoying thieving cunts how fucking "lucky" it is.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Or give tramps knives and pay them booze to stab gypsies.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

BUMFIGHTS!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

What and deny myself the pleasure of a good stabbing? Never.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

You're meant to be helping those unfortunate souls not spurring them on.
Your missus must be extremely grouchy.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:03, Reply)

She was extremely hormonal last night - worse than most months. I went to the pub for some peace and quiet and she followed me there half an hour later FFS.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Hahahahaha
if she has to suffer so do you. I like her she sounds cool.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:12, Reply)

It says a lot that you think
whiney hormonal women are cool
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

He's hoping to finally touch a woman one day.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

a consensting one at least.
At this rate I really am going to be Chompy.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:18, Reply)

It probably does to an unhinged sanctimonious cunt rag yes, but on here doesn't really so much.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

....what?
The inbreeding is showing there
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:22, Reply)

With a face like yours you would be the expert. Those eyes are a bit beady and close together arent they.
I would put a tenner on you having webbed feet.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Easiest tenner I ever made

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Now if he'd said
"Freezing cold, ice block feet" instead of "webbed", things would have been different.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

heehee
You were like a little stove
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:32, Reply)

sorry I mispelled webbed and feet there
I meant haunted vagina
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:30, Reply)

You're like a poor karaoke version of Al

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:31, Reply)

ut ay
on you having for a foot job from your
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Haha
gross
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

^ anger on the internet ^ bit early for that isn't it?
Are you working up to a flounce?
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:24, Reply)

We can only hope.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:27, Reply)

nah I've done my flounce, well more a silent protest.
I don't take anything seriously on here anymore. I just don't like TGB very much.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Did you do a silent protest? Did I miss it?
Is that because a silent protest on the INTERWEBS is one of the most retarded ideas I have ever heard?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

That was the joke wankie, but I wouldn't expect you to get it
when you're too busy trying to have a pop. You keep trying though. A for effort.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Bob, go and have a lie down for an hour or two NOW before this all gets unnecessary.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Nothing untoward going on, I'm halfway through a dooby
watching Top Gear. I shall not be ruffled.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Wankie?
Maintain this quality of insult and I'll try to ignore you being a mong the rest of the time.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Worst. Silent. Protest. Evaar

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

you just like
other people being tortured for once
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Even if it is only for afew days a month, somehow the balance is restored.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:18, Reply)

cool mad as a box of frogs with gulf war syndrome for a couple of days.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

You were fucking lucky there!
And I'm glad you won't be working in that field, you have too much to lose over what amounts to a little more money.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:57, Reply)

I really could use a grand or two extra a month, though.
I had to think quite hard about it, it wasn't as cut and dried as you might think.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:01, Reply)

An extra 12-24k a year
At the risk of losing your daughter or being done over by 'gangstas'?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:04, Reply)

It'd put my daughter through university in a matter of months.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:06, Reply)

surely she's a bit young for that?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

No.
She's like one of those poor 'competitve parent' Indian kids who qualify as accountants when they're about fucking five.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:10, Reply)

She's going to qualify as an accountant
as part of her rebellious stage.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:14, Reply)

I am secretly hoping
that embarrassment about her 'Creme Brulee' dad will drive her to success.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Worked for one girl I know. So good on you!

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

I understand you've put a lot of thought into it
Whereas for me it wouldn't even enter my mind. We're in different circumstances though, so I'm sorry if I sound sanctimonious.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Sometimes easy money isn't as easy as you think.
*nods sagely*
( girlinthehole, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Oh Monty I'm so glad.
Things are finally looking up for you and money means sod all (unless you're homeless and starving.)
I'm going to do something now. I apologise in advance.
*hugs*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 9:54, Reply)

*gets a semi*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:28, Reply)

semifreddo?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 10:32, Reply)