Wotcha gaylords.
Anyone need any broadband technical support?

I am officially better at this than anyone at WankWank. I have fixed my 3-week shutdown MY FUCKING SELF. I can also do a passable 70s racist 'comedy' Indian accent WITHOUT sounding Welsh.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:55, 77 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

did you finally learn how to restart your router?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Much, much more taxing.
I bought some £2.99 cable, unplugged the old one AND PUT THE NEW ONE IN.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Was this cable regularly run over by your chair or something?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Nein.
It ran from my phone socket round the walls of my sitting room and into the router. I am wholly blameless for its failure.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Did you turn it off and back on again?
Afternoon mein fuhrer.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Afternoon, Obergruppenfuhrer.
How's the push to the east? And don't give me any of that 'insufficient air support' bollocks.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:08, Reply)

I've got a splendid idea to attack Stalingrad.
It'll never fail.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:24, Reply)

I like your positive attitude.
Triumph of the will and all that, what what?

I really am the Lord Haw-Haw of B3ta, aren't I?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Indeed you are.
There's a noose with your name on it too.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:34, Reply)

Where have you been?!
I thought you were dead! *sobs*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Gutted, eh?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:09, Reply)

Nah, you're alright
However, I do want any suggestions for inappropriate Hallowe'en costumes.

I'm considering a headscarf, a long robe and some shrapnel holes, a la Linda Norgrove.

However, that's a pretty crap idea, so I require others!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

I'm here to help:
Buy a cheap jumper, put it on upside down, legs in the arms, carry a hammer, et voila!

Peter Sutcliffe.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

While I like this idea
I do want to be able to annoy others with anything I wear, and I think that's a bit too subtle.

A few years back I went out in a tweed jacket, with shoes, white shirt, black trousers and glasses, carrying a pad saying 'Prescription' on the front. Harold Shipman went down a storm!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Wear a tea towel on your head
and paint lots of cardboard tubes as sticks of dynamite, et voila - suicide bomber.
(berk, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Or the bastard offspring of Yasser Arafat and the Michelin Man

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Jeans and a shit t-shirt is all you need.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Lol, lol and thrice lol.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:14, Reply)

I wasn't expecting ANY approval whatsoever
For posting that picture.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:18, Reply)

It doesn't show my best side, admittedly.
My hair's a lot better these days.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:24, Reply)

Well, it must be difficult trying to shake off that one little blip you had with Holly and Jessica.
Changing your hairstyle will probably give you the chance to start again.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:28, Reply)

It's worked so far.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Moving to Ipswich and getting your forklift truck driving licence must have helped too.

(Cave Duck, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:41, Reply)

I could get two Man Utd shirts with Wells & Chapman on the back, number 10
But that'd mean touching Utd shirts, and it's not worth that.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:14, Reply)

Apologies for the simultaneous thread-start there, old chap
And in other news...I am impressed. Particularly since I can't seem to do a comedy Welsh accent without sounding like a very poor '70s racisy comedy Indian aceent.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

can you do mine now??????
also, where have you been all day, this place has not been the same!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

I have been/am at home.
BT engineers came round, laughed at TalkCompleteBollocks, and left. I then had about five shouty chats with my new pals in Bangalore, then went to an electrical shop in Bethnal Green, did my 'support' routine and here I am.

I am also ill, with what I diagnose as definite terminal man-flu.

EDIT and Asperger's, obv.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:03, Reply)

Caused by massive drugs?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Unlike you, I'm not a doctor. I dunno, guv.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:05, Reply)

So have you fixed the telly as well as broadband?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:11, Reply)

I'm not that fucking good. Yet.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:16, Reply)

Good weekend?
Did you get to do some daughtery things on the weekend?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Jawohl.
I just stayed in at her mum's though (she did fuck off out shopping which was nice) as I felt rotten, but I still got 5hrs of joy, so all good...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:26, Reply)

Sounds like you've made some real progress over the last few weeks!
Well done.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:27, Reply)

What, your accent?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:06, Reply)

whatever you'd like to do first
and second.

and third.

and... well, you get the point.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:13, Reply)

It's you who'll be 'getting' my 'point', young Swiples.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:15, Reply)

very quick
i am impressed.

although don't think that speed always impresses me. only sometimes.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:17, Reply)

Every accent I do is Welsh.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:17, Reply)

And I thought it was supposed to be Mancunian...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

I don't sound very Manc, I dorn't fink

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

This is true, you don't sound all that Manc when you're down here in London
Though I'd be very interested to see if you exhibit a similar trend to my father, whose strength of accent seems to increase as a linear function of his proximity to Leicestershire.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:21, Reply)

No, I worked hard on making my accent not too Norrrthern.
as opposed to my sister, who so very proud of being Northern so bigs up the accent.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:27, Reply)

Always the younger ones, isn't it?
If you ever meet my sister, I'd like you to have a chance to hear her before you see her. Because from our voices, you'd never believe we were related.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:29, Reply)

What, what does she sound like?
Is she ashamed of where she's from?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:31, Reply)

I think it's more a contrast in who we adopted our accents from.
She used to hang around with a lot of people who basically spoke 'mockney' before the term was coined. That sort of "Saarf Laahndun" accent, and she really used to lay it on thick when she was around some of them. She's grown out of it now, thank god, but she still speaks with a slightly dumbed-down sounding accent.

I, on the other hand, had Radio 4 for company at that age.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:34, Reply)

Ah, I see.
Sister isn't incredibly strongly Manc, just a lot more than I am. Maybe it's the Radio 4 in my childhood too.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:37, Reply)

So, you sound like Sue MacGregor, then?

(Cave Duck, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:38, Reply)

He sounds exactly like the sort of person who'd call you a cad and a bounder.
AND HE DOES.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:39, Reply)

You said 'hard on' huh-huh-huh

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:46, Reply)

Lololololol
I like dick.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:46, Reply)

It's that attitude
that gets you into so much trouble.
( Kroney, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:48, Reply)

Nonsense he was great in Mary Poppins

(Cave Duck, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:49, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:55, Reply)

:(
I might be adickted.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:50, Reply)

On family holidays,
as soon as a sign appeared saying 'Scotland 180 miles', my father, who moved to Canada when he was three, would suddenly become 'Wee Jockie McSporran'*, much to the delight and savage mockery of my brother and me.

*telling us to 'wheesht', as we were 'scunners' etc.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:29, Reply)

Oh dear. At least my father had the excuse that he didn't manage to flee the Midlands until his mid-20s
But I guess it's not quite as bad as the thousands of American College Jocks who 'decide' they're Irish every 17th of February.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:32, Reply)

And thus celebrate st paddy's day a month early.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:36, Reply)

Whoops! Sorry, that's spelt "February" but pronounced "March," folks.
(But then why should I care? I'm not Irish!)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:37, Reply)

For all the fuss they make, it may as well last a month.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:41, Reply)

I could
write a song about broadband technical support, if you'd like? Don't know what tune I'd set it to, though. Maybe "We'll Meet Again", or whatever it's called. You know, that one by that Doris.
( Kroney, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:43, Reply)

Hahaha I love you Kro-land.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:46, Reply)

Mid Eighties
Grange Hill reference? Largely wasted on here, old chap.
( Kroney, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:50, Reply)

I am indeed, dear boy.
On here, and indeed 'off it'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:52, Reply)

wish i was wasted
instead of stuck at work.

humph.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:57, Reply)

I fail to see
how legendary jazzer Humphrey 'Humph' Lyttleton can possibly be to blame for your predicament. The cunt's dead, for crying out loud.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:00, Reply)

So is Mr Humpries from Our You Being Served.
Boyce's Freeeeeeeeeeee!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:09, Reply)

Oi Boyce,
Did that bit of tat I sent you turn up?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 17:59, Reply)

I still haven't picked it up from t'post office, old bean,
because I was waiting in for BT today, but it's there, and I thank you in advance of my collecting it. Even if it is Fucking Shit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:02, Reply)

And to think you called me a tight arsed cunt for sending it second class.
As well as it being fucking shit. It might also be broken.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:04, Reply)

OK cancel the 'tight arsed' bit then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:06, Reply)

hahahaha
DEAL!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:07, Reply)

Alright Monty you old trollop?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:11, Reply)

Been worse, young master Plummington. You?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:23, Reply)

Not bad old boy.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:24, Reply)

Oh, I have a present for you :)
fuckyeahterribleart.tumblr.com/post/1312724787/and-this-is-meant-to-be-david-bowie#post-notes
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:12, Reply)

Uncannily accurate.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 18:23, Reply)