Sage advice:
Never take a moth for a candlelit dinner...
(Desolation Angel, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 16:19, Reply)

Pissed old hack's Christmas message
It was a Christmas bash many many moons ago on a newspaper far far away. Just me, Dickie and our Nazi boss. Everyone else had found urgent reasons for avoiding the "festivities". Me and Dickie - a notorious boozer and shagger of pensionable age - drank heavily to get past the awful offensiveness of the foul man's presence When Heydrich (not his real name but could have been) lurched off to the loo a strange light came into Dickie's eyes. He leaned forward and grabbed my by the arm. And he imparted this key piece of advice:

"If you love your girlfriend, stick your tongue in her arse and then shag her in it. Because if you don't, someone like me will."

Then he sat back and continued talking about normal topics as if nothing had happened.

Err, Merry Christmas to you too.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 15:52, 1 reply)

For my entire youth
I was afraid to sit on cold walls, doorsteps, etc, after being told that doing so would "give me piles".

I had no idea what piles were until many years later. But I still to this day sit on any available wall or whatever in a juvenile act of defiance. And I've never had piles.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sat 21 Jun 2008, 15:41, 3 replies)

My mum and my gran
always told me never to put my coat on until just before going outside, "as you'll not feel the good of it when you go out into the cold".

I disproved this theory by experimental means when I was still a child. Putting my coat on indoors meant I got all nice and warm and so when I went out the cold air was no hardship - in fact quite pleasant.

Whereas leaving it until the last minute meant your body heat had to warm up the coat too, thus on exiting the house, the drop in temperature was much less pleasant.

My gran put more store in old sayings than science though, so she didn't believe me.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 15:05, Reply)

At the till in Asda...
a wise man said to me:

Never leave the house without aftershave, never kiss a lesbian, and never shake hands with a gynaecologist!
(jothemofo, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 14:58, 2 replies)

Me Ma
"Doing the wrong thing is better than doing nothing, because at least doing something leads to other shit".

I considered this a maxim to live by, until she followed it up with "you have to take your potato with you to Mars, or it will get lonely".

Hmmm.
(lonelybadger, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 14:41, Reply)

Mum, being her usual self
Said 'never wear a turtle head in the summer'...

Cheers Mam

I think she meant 'turtle neck'
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 14:26, 1 reply)

One from my Dad
"Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you'll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward."

Always liked that one.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 13:54, Reply)

I recall being about 9
And my mother coming up to me while I was playing with my shiny new mac (performa 630, guess my age), and stating:

"Can you print something to put on the living room wall?"

"Er, of course you can mum"

"Ok, I want this

You better be content with your own madness because its better than being a boring bastard."

"Ok mum. Pick the font?"

"Font? Er, that one" *points* at the menu.

So it remained on the wall for quite so time, in its purple almost unreadable font glory.

Took me ages to find that font again about a year ago. It makes me think of happy times. Before she got married (and divorced 10 years after that), before secondary school, living in the flat in the dodgy council estate and not in the pretend-post housing association cul-de-sac, before I discovered that people dumber than me could still beat me up anyway, before well, everything.

Most of the stuff she's ever said has reversed (and some back again as she got divorced, heh). From "Stop using the computer and get some real friends" to "SO, how do I get on this msn thing then?". From insisting that mobile phones will never catch on to denying that she ever said that, and a more recent example - seeing razorlight on telly and pointing going "get the kids off and play some real music" (code for change the channel I think) to insisting that she liked razorlight from that start... (funnily enough, she got the coldplay thing straight away).

Some things haven't changed. For example, any use of sky plus or Homechoice as we had or anything (cable etc back then) was interrupted with "I want to watch the *real* telly". She still thinks that drugs and complementary supplements are a good way to ignore problems, but insists the use of psychiatrists as "weak". She still tells me to go my own way and do what I want (funnily enough, I only got this properly very recently). Oh and to drink. Lots. And to have a good time.

The drinking one has been passed through the generations. I do not know a single family member on her side older than 65. So I'm teetotal.

Some stuff sticks though.

What she *didn't* tell me is that you could be mad *and* a boring bastard. Any ideas on that one?
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 13:51, Reply)

Er....
The only thing my mum has ever said to me, that I have ever paid any attention to is....

Always shower after sex.

Everything else she has said has gone in one ear and out the other.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 21 Jun 2008, 13:31, Reply)

With respect to the orginal author...
...who is older than me so I'm counting it.

The best advice I ever received was written on the side of a box of matches, it said "Keep dry and away from children"

Something to live by I think.
(Just_Mister, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 13:16, Reply)

Just before she died, my grandma told me
that oh yeah that's it, but harder.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 12:21, 1 reply)

My grandfather
My family have always been dog owners - and I mean always - as far back as I can trace without doing lots of work (five generations) we've always had dogs.

So my grandfathers advice - anything to do with education, life, women or the like?

No.

"Ed, son, never trust a cat".
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 11:49, Reply)

Granny type advice
Mum's advice: Be nice to the elderly - you will be elderly one day too.





Dad's advice: Make sure her mum has aged well.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 11:18, 8 replies)

The date
Apropos of nothing, an old man in the street gave these words to my friends and I:

"Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, for fucks sake remember the date."
( waxyone, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 10:53, Reply)

My
dad said "Never sit down with a lightbulb in yer back pocket"
(bluemohawkz eating nine types of industrial pollution since, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 10:40, Reply)

paint it black
My dad allways says" Never bet against the All Blacks at home to the English"

This from a man born and bred in Lancashire.



Legnth ?? 80 min and 44 to 12 to the colonials
(welgar, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 10:36, Reply)

ugly women...
...have vaginas too, son.
(nostrilsack a handpuppet, and a man-nappy, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 10:06, Reply)

Advice from grandparents/parents
When I was younger I was frequently on the receiving end end of pearls of wisdom from my grandparents and parents, did I take notice "did I fuck" did I contemplate these little gems "did I bollocks", no I just ignored everything that was said to me and carried on fucking everything in sight and boozing till I dropped, nearly 60 now and I haven't changed a bit, so kids if some old fart starts dropping pearls of so called wisdom smile and nod and just carry on regardless.
(raith50, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 10:03, 2 replies)

Old people and queues
Whilst queueing for fuel yesterday morning, I was trying to get onto a pump as some woman zipped past into the actual pump, nearly taking my wing off. After a long blast on my horn, I pulled into another pump, carried on as if nothing happened, filled up (now THAT made me angry), and went into the kiosk to pay. Whilst there, I apologised to the gentleman that was near to me when I set off my horn, and was told "I think you are downright rude. Fancy not letting in an old woman, is your time so precious?" WTF?!? And then came the immortal gem that will last with me till I die, the woman had turned up behind me and said:
"I'm a grandmother, you know."
Cue shocked silence, and wandering back to the car shaking head to see if that made more sense.

Oh, can someone PLEASE explain how can I be chivalrous in a queue at a petrol station? Should I let all old ladies past?
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 9:55, 11 replies)

Not so much advice as an example...
Towards the end of his life my Granddad lived on his own in the arse-end of nowhere in Ireland. Lonely place, not many neighbours and a fair old cycle to the nearest pub - not that that put him off. The man himself was a short and wirey and, to be honest, kind of frail looking.

Late one night, after cycling back from the pub, he was in his house and there was a knock at the door. A fella stood there and tried to convince Granddad that it would be a great idea to let him in as "he needed to somewhere to stay". Now, I don't know what this bloke's intention was but my Granddad didn't like the idea at all and resisted. The bloke got cantankerous and words were exchanged.

In a final atttempt to get into the house the man warned my grandad - "You want to watch out, I have the karate". To which Grandad came back with the immortal line "And I have the poker." Grandad won.

Other than that I live by the words of my friend's Mum: Never trust a man with a beard, he's hiding something.
(Innogen, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 9:16, Reply)

My grandfather
once said "If you take longer strides when you're walking, your shoes will last longer".

Advice I live by even today.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 8:55, Reply)

Before
returning to university I worked for a large company in the Midlands for a year to save up some money to go to Argentina for research.

My boss there was a guy in his early 40s who had never been further south than Poole, but who considered himself an expert on travel, foreign parts, and those perfidious enemies of Albion - foreigners themselves.

He took me aside one lunch time a few days before I left and imparted his advice to me.

1. Don't eat marmite abroad. It attracts foreign insects. British insects are used to marmite, but foreign ones aren't.

2. Remember that because its the southern hemisphere, our summer is their winter. Everything is reversed. I'd better start thinking about what Christmas presents I would buy for friends I made in Argentina as they celebrate Christmas on 25 July.

3. Don't trust foreigners.

4. If they don't understand, speak slowly and clearly to them until they do.

and finally:

5. Watch out for prostitutes, they overcharge you if they think you're not local.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 3:31, 4 replies)

Never Mix Your Drinks
My Grandad always used to say "never mix your drinks", and to a degree that's a valid point.
Never mix anything with Baileys with anything else.
Anyway, this is more or less an excuse to make a massive post about the London Bash, on Thursday night, which I'll do tomorrow, when I'm not so tired.

How to make a tit of yourself to bunch of internet people, and fuck up a first "date"


Er... In summary:
Got on the train at 9.
Opened vodka at 9:30.
Got to London.
Went to a hotel in Russel Square for a meeting and to do a site survey.
Finished working there at 3:40.
More vodka.
Had to get to Waterloo to meet ancrenne for the first time at 3:49.
Ran, fast and hard
Met ancrenne.
Drank a 4-pack of Strongbow, got stopped by the police for "loitering".
Went to pub (The Cove, same as where the Bash was happening).
Had a few drinks.
Went to hotel to drop stuff off.
Had some Red Diesel (cider and black with vodka).
Went to pub.
Met you guys.

~~~~BLACKOUT~~~~

Woke up next to ancrenne.
At this point she tells me that I'd stumbled around the street that night, and been a bit sick in a bin.
When we got back to the room, I'd sat on the end of the bed, and very quietly thrown up a sticky red slime (a combination of cider and black, vodka and stomach juices, as I hadn't eaten anything that day) over myself.
Then passed out.
She'd washed my jeans for me, in the hotel sink, and got an iron to dry them with.
She's fuckin' awesome, that was far above and beyond the call of duty, and didn't seem to phase her at all.
So... Woke up this morning, horrible, horrible hangover.
Spent rest of the day wandering about London with her, during which time we made an illigal protest in Parliment Square and sat in a pub laughing at two old men who kept jumping up from their table to note down the numberplates of passing busses.

So, the moral of the story is not to mix cider with vodka. Or maybe it isn't...

If anyone wants to fill in what happened from the point where I was outside talking to bill, I'd be more than happy...
( Cawl, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 2:27, 61 replies)

Well HL Menken's pretty old (and crumbly) now
His advice:
1. Never play cards with a man called Doc.
2. Never eat at a place called Mom's.
3. Never sleep with a woman who's problems are worse than your own.
(paxvobiscum, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 1:34, Reply)

One old bloke advised me not to pull faces in case the wind changed direction
and it got stuck like that. So I punched him in the mouth and turned a hairdryer on him.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 1:21, Reply)

What-cha-got.
This is the term frequently used by my Granddad and it means anything and everything. You may think this is a funny, quirky, 'ahhhh look at the old person' type thing but when he comes round EVERY BLOODY DAY and uses it in sentences so much that you can't actually understand him it gets on your nerves very quickly.

Unfortunately he is a widower and has been for 6 years, again 'ahhhh poor old person' except because he has no one to talk in his house he frequents my house for at least 2 painful hours a day starting up conversations, that aren't wanted by either me or my Mum, with "Errr whatchagot." Excuse me? He doesn't even bother to think about what he's going to say before he starts. Other annoying pastimes of his are to randomly read road signs while we're driving along and when debating any point of a topic he will always, and I mean always, contradict your argument so that the conversation carries on. As you can imagine both are very, very irritating.

Undoubtedly the best conversation I've heard was this when talking to my Mum:

Him: Errr you know that chef?
Mum: No, who do you mean.
Him: You know that chef, errr Jamie...whatchagot.
Mum: Oliver.
Him: Yeah, yeah. Anyway did you know that his Dad was Jeff Whatchagot?

Rightttttttt... Anyway here is his fantastic advice, again a bit of background is needed. My Granddad has shedloads of cash and is sitting on a £250,000 house but despite being able to buy whatever he could want he sets himself a budget every month and after that doesn't withdraw anymore money for that month. My Mum, and occasionally me, try to get him to spend some of his money so that he can do something with his retired life. Since all he does is sit and watch tv all day with no social friends whatsoever my Mum has tried to get him to buy a computer for a few years, every attempt falls on deaf (probably literally) ears and he shrugs off the attempt. She tried again last week and he said,

"What would I do with a computer? I might as well just buy a calculator"

So there you have it, a computer is a calculator. I don't think I've ever heard such an un-educated statement since the last BNP election broadcast.

Still I'm not complaining, he's bought my season ticket for the upcoming season saving me £80 and that thought gets me through the 2 hours every day. Luckily the summer holidays are coming so I can just sleep in until 1pm and by that time he's left. Happy days.
(RDFCRob Please God let Obama win!, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 1:16, 5 replies)

"They found Mussolini hanging by his feet"...
was the contribution made by my Grandma as we sat around the Christmas table one year. We were talking about my uncle moving the Spain at the time.
( Furness, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 0:52, Reply)

Accidental Innuendo
I know i'm too late for the innuendo question by about 24 hours, but I had to post this somwhere as i've just remembered it:

My dad was speaking to me the other day, about my aunt having to go to a jewellers to get my uncles ring fixed (ooh really matron).

The childish mind that i've got, I immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter for about 3 hours.
(csc2ya also uses this name on xbox live, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 0:50, 1 reply)

My
wildly senile great-aunt once told me that "fuck" was the worst word in the world because that's what the centurions shouted at Jesus on the cross.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Sat 21 Jun 2008, 0:34, Reply)