I have never been given good advice by anyone, elderly or otherwise
So I would like to share with you some little gems that I had to learn the hard way. If someone, perhaps a wise old pipe-smoking relative or a Robin Williams type school master, had sat me down and drummed these into my thick little skull, they could have saved me a lot of time, effort and general annoyance.

“Get into a trade or profession as soon as possible or you will end up in a dead-end office job”. I was advised “choose the subjects you are interested in and go to university”. The day after graduating with a Biology degree I was in the job centre signing on for the dole.

“It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”. What’s up with that? Do we give off different pheromones when in a relationship or is it that we have already passed through quality control and are deemed desirable? It’s also easier to get a job when you already have one, probably for similar reasons.

“Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”. This applies to friends, family, partners, co-workers, members of the Samaritans…deep down they all hope that you fall flat on your arse. Get used to it.

“You are your own best teacher”. They say you never forget a good teacher, in that case I’m amazed that I remember any of the useless fucks that “taught” me. Every exam I have ever passed was due to me reading the appropriate books and revising until I went blue in the face, and then revising some more.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single, but people will assume you’re gay”. Nobody ever told me that once you get past 25, if you’re not married, in a long term relationship, seen with women on a regular basis or at least had the common courtesy to have knocked up a past girlfriend, people will take you for a puddle jumper. Look mum, I’m sorry. I know that you want me to meet a nice girl and produce grandchildren for you, but I just can’t be bothered.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:25, 25 replies)

Pearls fella!
*click*
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:27, closed)

HOLY FUCK
This entire post is 100% RIGHT and sums up my entire living. I was thinking of copying and pasting it in my reply hundreds of times but that would be a terrible thing to do. So just imagine it instead.

Regarding the last point I'm 23 and I'm sure people assume I'm gay or retarded or both.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:29, closed)

I should have stayed single
for more of my life than I have. It would have saved me enormous amounts of grief.

On the other hand, then I wouldn't have as many stories to tell. Besides, my hormones would have guaranteed a callus on my phallus pretty fast, as well as one arm bigger than the other...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:33, closed)

...
"Get into a trade or profession as soon as possible or you will end up in a dead-end office job... The day after graduating with a Biology degree I was in the job centre signing on for the dole."
- You're making the mistake of thinking that a degree and university education is primarily about emploeyment. It isn't. Employers may want graduates - it doesn't follow from that that graduation is the key to employment. Why should it be?

"Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail. Quite. As Gore Vidal put it: it's not enough that I should succeed; it's also necessary for my friends to fail.

"You are your own best teacher. That's overwhelmingly bollocks, y'know. However, many teachers are poor.

"There’s nothing wrong with being single, but people will assume you’re gay. Indeed. I must be the only person in the world to have had to come out to my parents as STRAIGHT. They seem not to have understood that my private life is, er, private. If and when I marry, I may tell them. Possibly.

Wasn't "Puddlejumper" a brightly-coloured tram in one of the stories in the Ginn reading scheme in the 1980s?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:33, closed)

Oh good
I thought I was going to get some stick for posting that.

Edit - Yes Enzyme, I did make the mistake of thinking university was about employment. That was 10 years ago and I have since learnt my lesson, the really really hard way.

And I am my own best teacher. So there. Nyah-Nyah rasp.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:34, closed)

The last one
is especially true. Just because I've not yet been fortunate enough to find a Mrs K2k6 (i.e. meet someone sufficiently crazy to fill the role!) I do occasionally find people wondering about which side I bat for.

And the 'getting a girlfriend when you already have one' can also be applied to jobs.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:36, closed)

Bang on
All true. Apart from the revising part (never did it and look at me now! DON'T LOOK AT ME!)

I'm 27 soon and been single for years! Does it bother me? Well, yes. A little more sex would be nice for a start. I'm sure my mum thinks I'm a nonce.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:36, closed)

or
you could go out with lots of people and be considered a slag.

or is that exclusive to women?

hmm. relationships are a lot of Work, best saved til you're really ready for it imho. which for some people seems to be about 16 and for others 36 and no nearer...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:38, closed)

25?
Pah! I'm 35, and I'm starting to think of coming out too. As straight to my parents, just to set their minds at rest, but as gay to my old gran, just because it might shock her into shutting up about my lack of girlfriend every time she sees me. Then again, I could always try the recommended response to "ooh you'll be next!" at family weddings by parroting it back to her at the next funeral...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:39, closed)

re: being in relationships
Yes, it's exactly that. They will assume that you are a) good in bed b) treat others well and c) can be bossed around a bit.

Oh, and turning gay/bi won't help. They'll then ask about a boyfriend, and people will assume that all you want to do is fuck everything in sight instead of actually having a relationship.
(EssY, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:41, closed)

*clicks hard*
Another Biology graduate eh?
*frowns*
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:45, closed)

I have had relationships
Some have lasted years, others much shorter. It just always gets to that stage where you either show lots of commitment or split up.

Edit - Kaol, at least you managed to do something with your degree, aren't you an actual scientist? (lab coat'n'all)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:46, closed)

No...
I'm a health and safety manager in a sawmill...
( Cawl, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:49, closed)

meaningful long term overnight relationships?
Well of course it's a case of committing or splitting up - that's what a relationship *is*.

Either you increasingly commit to a shared future together, or find someone else more suitable.

Then again, mine tend to end early because I will not play stupid games, such as being available at the other person's whim in the early stages.
(EssY, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:49, closed)

B3TA singles, anyone?
Your market is waiting...
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:52, closed)

You know, number 2 is bang on
Recently split up with a reasonably long term girlfriend. Whilst I was with her, girls were constantly chatting me up. Didn't do anything because ultimately I'm a good boy. As soon as a rocky patch hit and it looked like we were going to break up, the interest disappeared.

I wouldn't be doing anything anyway, since it was a rough breakup and I'm pretty much off women entirely at the moment, but a bit of an ego boost, just to say "don't worry mate, your life isn't completely down the toilet" wouldn't go amiss.
( Kroney, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:52, closed)

@Enzyme
You're straight? But you went home with CHCB.

CHCB is a woman? So what was that thing she showed me in the toilets?

runs away in preparation for a severe beating if "she" reads this.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 16:54, closed)

@rachelswipe
I've often wondered about that. My body count, so to speak, is somewhat alarmingly high- alarming in that it's taken me so many tries to find ones worth keeping. So I guess I might be considered a slag- in fact, there have been some women who've been quite put off by the fact.

Yet it's a strange double standard, isn't it? Some guys would see it as a bragging point that they've had more sex partners than years of life, while they'd see a woman who could claim the same to be repellent.

Me, I've always seen it as having had more practice than most, so having learned more about sex than most- for both women and men. *shrug*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 23 Jun 2008, 17:02, closed)

@al
*bludgeons al to death with 'her' mighty cock*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 17:11, closed)

Yep but
I like it when people assume you're gay, it's reassuring to know some people are blind to the fact I'm dramatically ugly.
(middleofnowhere, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 17:16, closed)

Also agrees 100%
only as a film graduate. Mostly through choice though as many many people in the industry are self aggrandising cunts
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 17:48, closed)

about the gay thing
i'm 33, single, no kids. despite the fact that i was with my ex for 12 years, everyone now assumes i'm a lesbian. it's really tough getting a man when people think you want a woman :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 18:26, closed)

For the slag thing...
I've never really got it to be honest. If a girl enjoys sex but wants to be single, as long as she is honest about it and doesn't do it so as to cause harm then good for her.

Same for guys.

There are slags, but they are the ones who use sex as a weapon or means to fulfilling a target imo.
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 18:28, closed)

Re the slag thing
I was taught in sociology class that a man who sleeps around is a stud but a woman who sleeps around is a slag.

Maybe in the 1970s but not any more.

Nowadays, when a woman sleeps around it's because she's liberated, when a man sleeps around it's because he's an unfeeling bastard. Didn't Cosmo teach you anything?
(lolwhites, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 21:07, closed)

Slags and Arseholes
Obviously people have varying views on casual sex, but there is a male equivalent to the "slag." We call them "arseholes."

Call this an unfair generalisation, but surely most of the men who might regard themselves as "studs" are the same breed who believe what they read in Nuts or similar 'publications', i.e., that it's necessary to compete with your equally obnoxious cocksure mates to lay as interfere sexually with as many women as possible, and that wearing designer gear and drinking branded lager make you "more of a man". These are the arseholes. And to those people I say: Fuck Off and find yourselves a proper personality.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 10:12, closed)