Eve's Punishment, or Chickenlady's guide to women's health.
How convenient that in the week that the question is titled 'Ouch' I should go for a smear test. Fortunately technology has finally reached women's health and this unpleasant scraping of one's cervix in order to ensure death by Jade Goody doesn't follow. The test is no longer eye-wateringly painful, but merely uncomfortable, but more of that later. Being a woman - as some of you know - is fraught with pain and discomfort so I thought I'd share....

The joy of periods

Now, while these will continue until menopause at around the mid-fifties (not to be confused with the 1950s - they didn't even have sex then, let alone periods), they generally begin during the teenage years. For me this particular burden began when I was a 5'4" ten year old who wore size six shoes, size ten clothes and towered over most of the nuns at my convent primary school. The pain when periods began for me was mental and emotional.

Ouch factor - 1

When I was fifteen I began to experience pain with each passing month of joyous feminine existence. The pain was generally accompanied by vomiting - ever been in such pain that you vomit? Not nice, especially when you're having your first kiss.

Ouch factor - 4

The pain continued even after having children so much so that I'd lose large quantities of blood - far, far more than I should have lost. Generally the average woman will lose about an egg-cup full of blood during the five-ish days of her monthly period. I was able to measure how much I lost because about three years ago I went over to a Moon Cup - ladies, if you haven't tried one of these, you should - environmentally friendly and more importantly CHEAP! Anyway, using a Moon Cup you can see how much blood there is - yeah, it's not for the squeamish, but then all women have to get used to seeing their own blood each month. So, I was losing a cup full in about two hours....That's when I began passing out with pain.

Ouch factor - 6

So I decided to stop all of that with a Mirena IUD - no pain, virtually no periods, no babies - what's not to like?

Erm...the insertion.

Wait until you're in the middle of your period - hmm, nice and messy but an open cervix. Remove all lower clothing, lie on your back please, feet up towards your bottom then let your knees fall open. Elegant and sexy! Nice anglepoise lamp aimed at the action and a doctor and nurse both wondering where you got that wax job done. Out comes the first tool for the job...a large shiny speculum - gentlemen, google these and imagine that being stuck into your orifice and opened fully. The KY jelly is squirted liberally onto this and to be honest it looks like something Bender from Futurama would use when getting jiggy with the fax machine. The doctor then 'gently' shoves this into you - into that place that until your first cervical smear (they used to use the same kit) had only been used for fun and not as a mechanic's inspection pit. Once into place the doctor, who now appears to be wearing oily overalls and sucking breath in through his teeth as he assesses the damage, cranks it open - yes, these things OPEN UP so much so you can feel the breeze on your kidneys.

"Everything looks healthy there Ms Chickenlady. Right, I'll begin by putting in a sound to check the size of your uterus. This might be a little uncomfortable but the nurse will hold your hand, okay?"

You've got a tyre jack in my fanny, what do you think? I smile thinly and nod, all the while examining the crack on the ceiling and trying to not think about my own.

Out comes a knitting needle. Is this the doctor's way of telling me I'm about to become a mother again and I need to start on a pair of bootees and a matinee set? No, this is a sound. I thought he was just going to shout 'Hello!' between my knees and wait for the echo, but no, a 'sound' is actually a fuck off length of metal - a depth gauge if you like. I believe the Spanish Inquisition began first using them before their medical versatility was discovered.

In goes the knitting needle. Through the tyre jack. Through my insides until it's resting sharply on the back of my throat. Okay, it wasn't that far, but it just as well might have been. The mild discomfort that the doctor promised was a deep stab that made my eyes water. "My, my. How many children have you had? Ah, it was twins, wasn't it? They were large, weren't they? And you had a c-section - good thing really otherwise I suspect you'd be having surgery."

Thanks Doc. Yes, my reproductive organs are like the TARDIS - small narrow doorway to get in, but much bigger on the inside. In fact if I ever had any more children they could probably camp out in my uterus until they go to Uni.

Sod doing natural childbirth - having babies alters your insides enough as it is, if you can get a c-section and retain a tight drawstring silk purse rather than a saggy old sow's ear then DO IT. My insides may be cavernous but the entrance is as tight as an Emo's trouser leg - c-sections FTW!

Right, so the sound had done its measuring - it was like a magic show - I'm sure he pulled out hankies, a bunch of flowers and maybe a cockatoo dove. Now time for the IUD itself. Ha! Thought the sound was 'uncomfortable'? Welcome to hardcore S&M on the NHS! And you even get a nurse in uniform to hold your hand.

I glare at the ceiling and try to ignore how my ears are getting damp. After about three days it was finally over and the doctor slowly began to remove all the tools and I attempted to feebly cling to some dignity as I dressed.

On the upside I haven't passed out, had period pain or a period like before ever since.

Ouch factor - enough to cut off the circulation in the nurse's hand



And don't even get me on mammograms - just get someone to stamp on your tits.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:36, 30 replies)

You've always wanted to pen your own "Period Drama"
And now you have!

*scarpers quickly*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:39, closed)

My doctor advised me to get a Mirena IUD.
And I was seriously thinking about it until I went online and read other women's expieriences getting it fitted.

Thank fuck for the internet.
( girlinthehole, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:49, closed)

If you can get over the 45 minutes of insertion
Then they're brilliant.
I've no idea how or when mine'll come out. I'm hoping it'll be either with a general anaesthetic or else it'll just become part of the furniture.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:53, closed)

Getting
it out is fine think of the shape! I don't seem to have as much trouble with the insertion as you, takes no time at all, must be having had two large boys 'naturally'. I feel a bit dizzy, and have to lie still for a couple of mins. that's all.
(Bernardate, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:59, closed)

its worth it in the long run...also first time i had one inserted it was fine. 2nd time was ouchy...
(boduchess, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 13:08, closed)

I think I'll stick to the pill.
Even smears used to hurt like fuck before they invented these new swab smears.

With the pill I don't bleed, I don't get pregnant, (although this may be more to do with not having sex than the pill), and I don't get pain. What's not to love about it.
( girlinthehole, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 14:04, closed)

That's the spirit that made our country great....
To describe what sounds like horrendous pain in a soft tissue area (no pun intended) as 'ouchy' shows both true grit and a mastery of understatement.
If I knew how to click I would.
(Barnetboy, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 14:38, closed)

Lordy!
*pales*
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:50, closed)

Click
for how much I laughed at "I thought he was just going to shout 'Hello!' between my knees and wait for the echo". But I know someone who's had one of these put in and taken out, without the pain you describe. I wonder whether it depends on the doctor or the patient.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:51, closed)

Nothing is ever lost in the telling ;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:55, closed)

Still not as bad as a kick in the balls ;)
Seriously though have a *click* for, "Thanks Doc. Yes, my reproductive organs are like the TARDIS - small narrow doorway to get in, but much bigger on the inside. In fact if I ever had any more children they could probably camp out in my uterus until they go to Uni" Did make me chuckle and reminded me of a certain South Park episode..
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:53, closed)

Ppft!
Women! Don't they go on?
(zebby wasting irony here on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 13:13, closed)

I've got a copper IUD
It wasn't too bad going in, but I agree about the sound, OMG, it took about 10 years to remove. And when they squirt the anaesthetic up you.... good Lord.
( cakelady, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 13:16, closed)

Agreed - I think the removal is definitely worse than insertion.

Do they still put that clamp thing around yer cervix?
(Freakmandu, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 14:28, closed)

Aaah!
*sticks fingers in ears* LALALALALALALAALALALALAALA!!!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:08, closed)

Um
You'll still be able to read that even if you shout REALLY LOUD.

:P
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:12, closed)

*Shuts eyes*
dldfsfeijfpfjspsdspk
Ha!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:33, closed)

Touche, henwoman. Touche.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:06, closed)

sympathises
Having had the same thing, it seems wrong to click i like this.
Wrong to laugh at 'you can feel the breeze on your kidneys'
But I wish i'd described it that funnily when telling my ex
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 14:22, closed)

Bloody hell.
You have as much sympathy as a man can offer. Speshly since you wrote about it well. I wouldn't really have the same response to 'jesus periods are awful but having the coil put in is worse but oh well no more periods ;)'
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 14:56, closed)

Ta
Being brief just ain't my style.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:08, closed)

"like something Bender from Futurama would use when getting jiggy with the fax machine"
and for making me feel ever so sli... definitely sick.

It make me feel that having the snip was the best present I could give biffette and she should be v grateful she doesn't need to get quickfit in ...
(Biff..., Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:13, closed)

I was going to write about IUD insertion for this qotw
But it brought back painful, gun-churning memories. I remember staring at the posters they'd put on the ceiling (good thinking by someone there!) and gripping the nurse's hand so hard she was whimpering almost as much as me.
When it was over I was so white I was almost pale green, and could stand up without feeling sick for several hours.

Mine's due for renewal in October, I'm trying not to think about it...
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 16:00, closed)

I have an iud after aes of trial and error with pills -hormones don't agree with me.

But having not had kids before, its the most pAinful experience of my life for 2 weeks out of every 4! It's agony. I can only put up with it as the alternative is severe depression or babies. I'll take the blinding, bent double in agony periods over those any day.
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Wed 4 Aug 2010, 16:02, closed)

Oh Lordy
I was thinking about having an IUD put in. I've just had my implant removed and I'm really not liking this whole "natural period" thing. However, having just read your (wonderfully funny and very informative) essay, I think I shall wait it out a while longer. Eep.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 4 Aug 2010, 17:21, closed)

Agreed!
Though like the tit I am I pulled mine out by mistake when I was wasted. I mistook the threads for a tampon string. It didn't hurt at the time as I was away with the faeries but the deep inside pain the next day was unsettling. To make it worse I had to get yet another one rammed into me (my 3rd ffs). It is quite painful as I have never given birth and synthetic hormones make me go funny so it is a copper IUD. The only way I can deal with the horrors of having these in and out of me is looking at the pain as a pay off for not getting pregnant, and that makes it totally worth it.

For me the pain of indignity makes the physical hurt pale into insignificance in exposed vag situations. If the same pain was applied to my hand I would probably not cope so well :(

I would say though ladies, don't be put off by horror stories. Unlike the rod and the injection most of my mates have had minimal problems with coils after they are inserted. It could just be the women I know but the coil seems to be an overall winner...and it lasts for ages :)
( bland is bland, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 19:49, closed)

fuck that for a game of soldiers!
i'm glad i can't get pregnant, it means i don't have to go through shit like this to prevent it!
*shudders*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 20:31, closed)

Oh holy crap!
Did consider IUD but am damn glad I went for the implant. At least you get a local anaesthetic with that!
(ninja chinchilla, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 21:36, closed)

My GOD!
I thought a punch-hole biopsy was bad, but now I am NEVER having this done!
(Magrat rockin' your undies since, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 4:29, closed)

Yay to Mooncups
Another convert here.
Isn't there something perversely satisfying in being able to measure exactly how much you are bleeding how often? Texture and clots and all?
No?
And do you know its great plantfood too? Although you might want to dilute down if sharing home with other people, glisteny red soil isn't everyone's idea of approriate.

And oh god I hear you on the Mirena insertion, I had something similarish-sounding on my last visit to the gynaecologist. Endometrial sampling using a Pipelle. Which basically involves something like a 2 foot cable tie (3mm width, apparently) being inserted through your clunge, up through the cervix, and repeatedly jabbed into your uterine wall each jab suctioning out a tiny sample of endometrium.

Fucking ouch.

Mr Box asked me afterwards what was more painful - the procedure or my biting my hand (I didn't even remember that bit of self-harm till he reminded me)

Going back to see that fucking doctor tomorrow, wish me luck. I'll be trying not to shove my mooncup down his japs eye and into his bladder.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 5:29, closed)