Learn to swim - or don't
For many years, I was *always* sick on Swimming Day. Physically, vomitously sick. Or I'd forget my kit (for a while) - or some other excuse. My parents could never understand why.

I went to school in South Africa. We had a swimming teacher called Mr. Anderson. He firmly believed that everybody can swim, and that we only need to "be reminded how". His method of teaching me to swim was to - and I'm not making this up - pick me up and throw me into the deep end. If I somehow made it to the edge, he would stamp on my fingers with his hard, hard shoes.

I don't float.

I nearly drowned so many times - and was only saved by my school mates. I gave up "forgetting my kit" because Mr. Anderson didn't give a shit. No swimming trunks? Swim nude then, maggot!

To this day (I'm 40) I still don't float, to the bemusement of Mrs. Lustfish. I do now swim, and enjoy it, but it took until I was in my late teens.

Fuck Mr. Anderson. In the arse. With a big rubber dick.
(lustfish, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 19:25, 10 replies)

Except that he'd probably enjoy it.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 23 Nov 2009, 20:15, closed)

Nobody "Doesn't float"
And as for "everyone can swim", your teacher was right. It's a physiological quirk of humans that even a newborn baby is capable of keeping its head above water - in fact this is often used by scientists attempting to suggest that humans were originally aquatic in nature. The problem arises when people panic and splash around frantically. They can swim or float perfectly well, but their brain doesn't believe it.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 23:36, closed)

Yup
absolutely true. That said, one great way I can think of to get people to panic and thrash about in the water would be to, say, THROW THEM IN THE DEEP END AND STAMP ON THEIR FINGERS.

For instance.
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 3:35, closed)

Actually, I can't float either.
Really.
If I lie still on the surface I stay for about three seconds, then my feet start to sink until I'm upright in the water.
Then I go slowly down.
Only paddling keeps me on the surface.
Heavy feet I guess......
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 8:32, closed)

I don't float
If I totally relaxed with my lungs full fo air, I would bob about with my eyes (and more importantly my nose and mouth) just under the surface of the wate.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 9:29, closed)

Only two mistakes there
First of all, some of us don't float. We're too dense. Simple as that.

Second, babies can't keep their heads above water. Doesn't work. I've tried it with a three month old. They do have a mammalian dive reflex which stops them breathing water, but all that does is slightly delay death by drowning.
(ubergeekian, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 9:44, closed)

Dense??
I'll have you know, I'm just a bit slow....
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 10:29, closed)

Some of us...
..can't sink. I can float upright like a fishing float all day.

Unfortunately I think its something to do with bodyfat.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 11:01, closed)

Fatties
sink.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 24 Nov 2009, 14:04, closed)

no they don't
fatties tend to float as they have a bigger surface area and are therefore more bouyant... skinnys tend to sink.
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 11:11, closed)