As it's Wednesday...
About six months ago I met a lovely young man in a bar.
He was tall, dark haired and had a penetrating stare.

We got chatting, and he ended up persuading me to come back to his flat.

It was strange, as we went through the house, and out to a small wooden shack, a long way down the garden.

I got a bit worried by this point, but he just grinned at me, and that reassured me enough.

After we stepped through the door everything went black.
The next thing I knew, I found myself floating up out of my viciously mutilated body, which was wrapped in chicken wire and diving weights, in the boot of his car.

As I watched, he drove to a lake, parked up, and threw my body in.

That was the hardest, and last time that I was dumped.

Signed,
Ex-Mrs Kaol (for one night only)
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:26, 253 replies)

Dude
I swear that wasn't me!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:29, closed)

Despite not looking at the name
By half way through at the latest, I just knew this was a Kaol post.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:29, closed)

@Fireflier
I'm glad I've got a distinctive style...
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:34, closed)

I don't always frown...
Especially not when I'm luring women...
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:37, closed)

Kaol
He used to be such a nice boy, what happened?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:39, closed)

It was that diagram
That you made, Mr. Robert...

It showed me to myself for what I truely am.

The Future.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:42, closed)

I think it was that girl you pulled the other week.
She broke you somehow, you were such a polite boy before that happened.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:43, closed)

*grins*
Nah, I've just found my place in the world.

*smiles*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:44, closed)

In that case, I'm pleased for you.
I too have found my place in the world, and it's right behind you, making crappy jokes as you flay your latest kitten.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:46, closed)

It's ok ancrenne,
I won't so much be approaching from the rear, as entering from behind. He loves that, he does.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:56, closed)

I don't love it :(
I read those terrible rumours as to why I was in Brighton...

*wishes there was some way to prove manliness*

*thinks about the bash next Thursday*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:57, closed)

@Kaol
Thursday, shirley?

I don't doubt your manliness at all, frankly I can taste it from here.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:59, closed)

@Burt
MFOTFABL!

That's an amazing statement.
20 points!
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:02, closed)

Do I sense sarcasm?!
Seriously though, we know yo're not gay, slightly homicidal knife-wielding maniac, maybe, but not a bum-chuffer, no siree Bob.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:04, closed)

No, just the thought of
Being able to "taste" manliness, from Essex to Surrey...

Dunno, it really tickled my laughing-gland!
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:07, closed)

Sorry
I like to do that sometimes. If you don't like it I could tickle your prostate instead?

Is there an award for most homo-erotic member of b3ta? -I think I could be in with a chance.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:08, closed)

quite frankly
I'm disappointed with this "everything went black" cop-out. What happened to exquisite torture with knives and cable ties?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:08, closed)

That, Ms Crackhead,
Is a story from the other side of the fence.
Or I could send you the video?
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:11, closed)

video, perhaps...
Though consider me crossed off your abductee list if I'm not going to be conscious enough to enjoy it.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:13, closed)

We could come to
Some kind of a mutual arrangement.

I'll keep you awake.
You give me a packet of Space Raiders.

No... TWO packets!
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:15, closed)

Video is rubbish, too graphic
We need in-depth detail, narrative, and to be inside the mind of Kaol as he tells us the story.

Write it up Newtboy!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:15, closed)

Maybe tomorrow.
I've posted my story for today.

EDIT: Newtboy? WTF?
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:17, closed)

Newtboy
you wrote a story about owning some Newts, didn't you...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:18, closed)

Ah yes.
Not technically newts, but I have to dumb things down for you lot.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:19, closed)

.
I remember the time
When I tried to rhyme
Said to myself
I gotta find the words
Coz this vocab ain't it
All these words, I know they don't fit.
So I asked my sis
To find a teacher
Turn around, she brings a preacher
in. Then he says with a taste of the bass
All you gotta do is have a little bit of faith.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:19, closed)

Er...
What the fuck?
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:21, closed)

Ah.. I see
I'm the guy who doesn't know the difference between Monkeys and Apes, so don't even go there, girlfriend, when it comes to the Newts.

EDIT It's lyirc riffing, get into it Kaol!

@spakkaman

GIRLS
to do the dishes
GIRLS
to clean up my room
GIRLS
to do the laundry, and in the bathroom
GIRLS

I love the way that they smile

*Xylophone solo*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:22, closed)

morning everyone
^
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:22, closed)

Er...
Newts Salamanders.

Mornin' HLT!
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:23, closed)

*sighs*
Tell me something funny. I feel blue.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:24, closed)

@Kaol
It's that 80's rap-lyrics thing from yesterday. Managed to type that out without having to look any of it up.

PS. Mornin' HLT.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:24, closed)

@Kaol
Your post definitely said Giant Newts. If they're Salamanders you should have just said so!

EDIT @mistaspakkaman looking it up is cheating, I admire your lyric-remembering skills, but don't recognise the song...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:25, closed)

Morning m'dears
Should have been more graphic Kaol. Much more graphic.

And yes Bert, you are most homo-erotic, but in a good way.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:26, closed)

morning PoD
day off today?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:27, closed)

Kaol
That's not a nice story. Couldn't you have had really hard rough sex all night instead and then she was gone in the morning before you woke leading you to wonder if she was there at all?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:27, closed)

Lyric riff?
Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can't, then it doesnt matter anyway.
You will never understand it cuz it happens too fast,
And it feels so good, its like walking on glass.
It's so cool, it's so hip, its alright.
Its so groovy, its outta sight.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:27, closed)

Day off indeed!!
I had a nice long lie, and plan to do very little, and then go and network some computers in a friends office. What fun it shall be.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:28, closed)

Ladies, gentlemen, prepare yourselves,
I'm about to break it down a notch, lay out a new vibe, create an atmosphere of love for all the good people out there. I'm taking it to Another Level...

Let me lick you up and down, til you say stop.
Let me play with your body baby, make you real hot.
Let me do all the things you want me to do,
cos tonight baby, I'm gonna get FREAK-EE with you...

@becky I did that with the Mrs, and now she has cystitis, poor little sod. Remind me to buy her flowers and cake.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:29, closed)

@ Bert
Ah.... there it is...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:29, closed)

@hlt
Glad to make you smile Mrs, how's things?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:30, closed)

@bert
Wee Papa Girl Rappers - Faith.

I luv it!!!

Got most of the lyrics right too.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:30, closed)

@ Ms Explosion
I could have done, but that's not how I roll...
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:31, closed)

@Bert
thank you good sir

I'm ok really, just having a post-great-weekend-back-to-normal-comedown thing.

*slaps self*
*determines to be more fun*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:32, closed)

@mistaspakkaman
Never even heard of them!

Bonus points for obscurity!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:32, closed)

@bert
They were a big hit back in 1988.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:33, closed)

@mistaspakkaman
I would've been 6!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:33, closed)

Kids eh
no understanding of the classics.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:34, closed)

I would've been 3
I think.
*counts on fingers*

*fails miserably*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:34, closed)

Ha, that makes you old, Bert
I would have been 1.

Smile HLT. You can borrow my fake dealing with customers smile, I don't need it today.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:35, closed)

Was 14 back in the day
That makes me older than all the people who are younger than me.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:37, closed)

@ miss 'crenne
thank you too

@ POD - *beams*

shuts ups about olds!!!! I was 10 in 1988!
Except you, MSM.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:38, closed)

Yes,
You're right there Mr. M.
Nothing wrong with being old though.

You're still cool.
For a Grandad! Hahaha!
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:39, closed)

Morning all
I'd have been ten. *feels old*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:40, closed)

*feels old too*
Damn the elderly are squidgy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:41, closed)

I feel young here this morning
I'm the same age as Bert's totty.

Got to love the fake smile. Doesn't it work well?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:42, closed)

Hmmm
Having fumed about everyone who is younger than me for the past 48 seconds, I have stopped because I remembered something that makes me cool - I was born in the Seventies! Yay!

Edit: Also remembers is 17 (better than 15, 17 is legal) on the inside, joins ancrenne to dance
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:43, closed)

Oh dear...
Watch out he doesn't get confused then PoD, his eyesight isn't what it used to be.
He might mistake you. Hard.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:43, closed)

Don't refer to my
Mrs as totty!

She's my future wife, my life, everything to me. Someday we'll be married, have a little boy called Jack, live in a cottage in the country, and share pants time together.

Til she gets sick of me anyway.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:44, closed)

@ Bert
You softy you.

Pants time! I want pantstime!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:45, closed)

Morning all
Oldie alert - I was 19 in 1988 and remember the Wee Papa Girl Rappers better than I care to think about.

FFS, I feel ancient now. Where's BGB when you need her? Damn her American excursions...

*creaks bones*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:45, closed)

Pants time is the ace-est.

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:46, closed)

Aww Bert
that may well be one of the sweetest things I've read on here.

*also reminds self that she's about 12 inside, so doesn't care about being old*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:46, closed)

@k2k6
Olderer men are betterer. Like wine.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:46, closed)

Gee,
Way to make a guy feel special HLT.

*weeps*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:47, closed)

Thanks HLT
I'm only mature on the outside. As you lot are well aware.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:47, closed)

@becky
That's true, you're only as old as you feel, and I feel seven year olds.

sorry
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:47, closed)

@PoD
You have all that before you... get practising.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:48, closed)

@K2k6
So you'd taste like veal?
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:49, closed)

.
My "I feel on the inside" age is about 26. I'm feeling old on the inside too.

[EDIT:] thanks HLT. Has the new and improved sex-drive kicked in yet?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:49, closed)

'ning!
Can't be arsed to read through the replies above - what's the topic of the day? Is it still Kaol?
( thealternativefact, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:49, closed)

@ Kaol
I wonder what you would taste like?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:49, closed)

Yes it is.
Morning Ms Clendrix!

*kisses hand*

EDIT @ HLT: Is that flirting, or a threat?
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:50, closed)

@hlt
Young or old, none of it matters, it's all down to experience and whatnot.

Older men = Lazy but rich and more experienced.
Older women = Horny as hell
Younger men = horny as hell with lots of energy and desire to learn.
Younger women = Mostly unadventurous

In my experience anyway. :)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:50, closed)

@Kaol
Er... I suppose so.

*worries*

*dons heavy body armour from yesterday*

At least Belgaer's fed up of bludgeoning me, I hope.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:50, closed)

'ning clendrix
We're discussing how old we were in 1988.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:51, closed)

Morning all.
In 1988, I would have been 17. (I would also have turned 18 towards the end of 1988, but for the majority of it, I was 17).

I was wearing flappy coats even back then.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:51, closed)

HLT and Kaol
sittin in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes kaol spluffin his panties
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:51, closed)

@ Kaol
You should know me well enough by now to know...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:52, closed)

Becky's jealous!
Kaol has his own hareem on here, there's clendrix, hlt, now becky too...

You stud!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:53, closed)

@ becky
you think he'd last that long?!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:53, closed)

@ancrenne
Good, I don't have to wear that heavy hat today then.

@HLT - Kaol's taste will depend on whether he's been eating pineapple. Allegedly.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:53, closed)

Pfft...
Belgaer's just a cut-price version of me.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:53, closed)

Did anyone else read
'celebrate the bloodbath' as ‘celibate bloodbath’?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:54, closed)

@clendrix
Sorry, for some reason I've always thought you were a bloke.

Evidently you're not. My apologies.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:55, closed)

@spakkaman
Er, no, I don't think anybody would think that.

Everybody knows that all bloodbaths are orgies of flesh.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:55, closed)

Good Morning!
1988, you say? I would've been 8. Too busy climbing trees or playing in mud to be worried about Music!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:55, closed)

@Burt
See, I laid some serious groundwork the other day when I was in flirting over-drive.

*snaps fingers*

*waits*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:56, closed)

Ayyyyy.....
Kaol - The knife-wieldingFonzarelli of B3ta.

EDITED for a safer future
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:57, closed)

I'm not part of Kaol's Hareem
In fact I'm starting my own hareem of man bitches. You'll get foodstuffs and alcohol, the only catch is you'll have to do my bidding.

Who's in?

HLT I doubt it ,)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:57, closed)

In 1988
I was 16 years old, so yes, I am extremely old compared with some of you fresh, young things.

Don't stop kissing my hand though - it was a gentlemanly thing to do and felt lovely.

Edit: k2k6 - no problem! I actually quite like the ambiguity!
( thealternativefact, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:57, closed)

.
As I said yesterday, Kaol reminds me of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, but using a guitar instead of a flute. All the girls are impressed with his guitar-playing fingering skills and follow him. Kaol then leads them out of b3taland to his faraway wooden shack deep in the forest where he stabs all of them to death.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:58, closed)

@Becky
Depends on what you're bidding us to do.

I sense a catch...

Especially given your prowess in unarmed combat.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:58, closed)

@becky
*raises hand*

No sexy stuff though, ok? Just sado-masochistic domination and stuff.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:58, closed)

@beckyjsbx
So I get sex, cake and alcohol and all I have to do is buy stuff for you on ebay? What's the catch?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:00, closed)

^Yeah!
I mean, I'll register my interest, Becky, but will there be any ritual suicide or sexual deviancy?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:00, closed)

@ all the b3taladies
I think we should all join forces and enslave the b3tamen to do our bidding

*cracks whip*
*tempts with cake and bad naughty things*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:01, closed)

* folows trail of cake-crumbs *
.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:01, closed)

Cake and whips?
I'm in!

Just don't tell the Mrs.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:01, closed)

Nooo!
I declare Holy War on this.
*frowns*

*sends minions*

*realises it's just him*

*mass-suicides*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:01, closed)

Hmm, HLT
I'm not turned on by the whip.

But if it's chocolate cake....

Bugger. Need to go and do some work for a bit. I'll check in intermittently.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:02, closed)

@Kaol
Oh yeah, we should probably check with the Friggin' Messiah whether it's against our religion to join harems.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:04, closed)

@ k2k6
The chocolatiest, moistest, stickiest, creamiest, tastiest cake going.

Will that do?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:04, closed)

*looks innocent*
no catch.

*gathers the B3talovelyladies (tm) together for discussion on what we should make our manslaves do in return for sex (not ear sex) alcohol and cake.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:05, closed)

No sex for me thanks,
just the cake and whipping please, Mistress.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:06, closed)

@clendrix
Offers to kiss hand in a Gomez Addams style...

:)
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:07, closed)

.
* covers self in thick layer of cake to reduce pain from whips *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:08, closed)

*licks*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:08, closed)

.
* gets between Bert and HLT's whip *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:09, closed)

*stands for freedom*
And Bert, you're not famous again.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:10, closed)

Accepting the love!

I really want to join the ladies and have a mass harem, but I think I already signed a contract with kaol, and it's binding.

Perhaps I need to consult Ms Swipe...
( thealternativefact, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:10, closed)

Yay Edmund
How would you like to join my hareem in return for alcohol and cake?

EDIT: Clendrix, I'm sure you can get out of it. Maybe we could get Kaol to join my hareem instead if he has no bitches left in his.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:10, closed)

Harder dammit! Harder!
Actually, there's only one B3talovelylady ^tm for me, and that's Ms Dr CHCB, the rest of youse is just skanks*.


*kidding! Honestly, you're all lovely really.

@POD I don't care, it was there, therefore I'm famous.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:11, closed)

@clendrix
Who's doing the binding? You or Kaol?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:11, closed)

Burt
Why were you famous?
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:13, closed)

Awwww
*sexes Sexmonkey*

(I'm only pretending to sex him, Enzyme, okay?)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:13, closed)

Damn
I log on to find out I've missed the big love-in AND cake this morning.
(Errorist, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:13, closed)

@Kaol
WE were famous, on the B3ta page for Wikipedia it went on to mention us and our long discussions in the replies to question of the week posts.

We're famous now.

@Dr Ms CHCB It's ok, I sex Enzyme too.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:14, closed)

Why Burt was famous:
But he isn't now
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:15, closed)

@mistaspakkaman

We're so tied up, it's hard to tell. If I can get one of his knives, I might be able to escape before Belgaer arrives and starts his bloody bludgeoning!
( thealternativefact, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:15, closed)

Then it's settled
CHCB will be my third in command (after ancrenne) and Bert will join the hareem. Ya?

Ooh Ancrenne I'm liking the vodka fountain idea.

Manslaves the deal is YOU have to do anything we don't want to/dont feel like doing. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:16, closed)

@bert
Last time I checked, we're not famous anymore. They deleted that bit from Wikipedia.

BTW, did you know there's a b3ta wiki at b3ta.wik.is/ ?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:18, closed)

@ancrenne
There were alot of people, far better than myself, that we're mentioned, I'm guessing whoever posted it just had a sick sense of humour!

@becky what be thy bidding m'lady (you may have to check with CHCB first though)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:18, closed)

all this cake talk
I'm orf dahn teh bakery, innit?

Edit: Bert! I'm still the Messiah y'know. I pack a mighty smite!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:18, closed)

*opens jar*
*paints fence*

*Invents Vodka dispensing fountain*

There. Am I in?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:20, closed)

Thanks Ancrenne
cake AND love, what more could I wish for.

Maybe a kitten and some custard.
(Errorist, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:20, closed)

@Bert
I've allocated CHCB to be your mistress so you must do her bidding.

Now to choose one unlucky manslave to be my personal manslave...

EDIT: Nice effort DIT, show's potential.

Errorist what skills do you have to endear you to us?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:21, closed)

@CHCB
Go on then, smite me, you know you want to, you dirty, filthy little whore...

YEAH you know I love it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:21, closed)

* quivers *
.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:22, closed)

Well...
I've undone the delete edit...
See how long it lasts for...
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:23, closed)

*licks again*

@Kaol Yay!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:23, closed)

Knife skills, bow staff skills
Sorry couldnt resist quoting Napoleon Dynamite.

As for endearing skills... Hmmm..

I can fit ten 1 pence pieces in my left nostril.
(Errorist, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:28, closed)

I just wonder who it was
That wrote it in the first place.
Certainly wasn't me.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:28, closed)

Ummm...
well I'm sure we can find a use for that skill somewhere in the hareem so you're in errorist
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:30, closed)

In the Links thread
a guy called Vulcan15 was behaving suspiciously, maybe he's a lurker who typed it up.

Hi Vulcan15! You big cock-gobbling, Star Trek watching nerd! (This is just my way of showing gratitude :D)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:30, closed)

Splendid!
I finally feel accepted
(Errorist, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:32, closed)

dammit
Someone arrived in the office and I missed all the licking and enslaving!

will somebody help me to catch up?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:33, closed)

@Bert
Oooo, I love it when you talk filthy.

*smites*

BTW, I have a custard slice from teh bakery now.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:34, closed)

@HLT
You can catch up by catching me. I'm the Gingerbread boy.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:35, closed)

PHWOAR
to the custard slice.

Smite me harder!

@Kaol actually, you know who I was most disappointed wasn't included on the Wiki page? The Messiah herself, what fool would leave her out?!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:36, closed)

@ mistaspakkaman
I knew I could rely on you

*naughties*

Edit: just saw your edit above. Yes it has, thank you. It's great!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:36, closed)

@CHCB
"BTW, I have a custard slice from teh bakery now."

I'd give you a "custard slice" any day, you just have to ask...
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:39, closed)

* runs away and tries to catch HLT at the same time *
@Bert
You can add whatever you want on the b3ta wiki.

EDIT: @HLT: Saw your edit too.
* changes running-direction. *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:39, closed)

So...
...what did I miss?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:40, closed)

@Kaol
You have such a way with the ladies, I can tell you've got CHCB moist just reading that as there's now a thick fog coming in from the west.

@mistaspakkaman I'm too lazy to do that! I love the QOTW description though.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:40, closed)

@ MSM
I thought I was supposed to be catching you, o gingerbread boy?
Does this mean we'll be in each other's stomachs again?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:41, closed)

HLT
we've enslaved the menfolk of QOTW - well this thread anyway - and are deciding what they can do for us.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:44, closed)

@HLT
* Gingerbread boy collides with Gingerbread girl *

* Finds that because of the thick fog coming from the west, we're now soft and sticky *

So we're now stuck together.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:44, closed)

does this mean that
as a member of the "menfolk of B3TA" i'm also enslaved?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:44, closed)

I refuse 100%
To be enslaved.

No force on Earth will hold me down.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:45, closed)

@Kaol
Enslaved is such a harsh term, as we're already followers of the messiah, just call this a little extra good, religious work.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:47, closed)

@ becky
I know, but I like the chase...

@ msm - what lovely gumdrop buttons you have.
*licks*

Edit: @ Kaol - gravity?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:47, closed)

@hlt
Don't be licking no mistaspakkaman! That's my job!

*licks*

and pfft for the gravity comment!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:49, closed)

@Edmund
sure, are you pretty?

EDIT: Kaol not even if I let you borrow my swords? *flutters eyelashes*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:50, closed)

*floats slightly off the ground
By sheer bloody-mindedness*

EDIT: EVEN if I get to play with swords...

Swords aren't really my thing. Too elegant.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:50, closed)

@ Bert
*licks you too*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:51, closed)

*positions perineum onto hlt's tongue*
AWH YEAH!
*eyes roll back in head*
*goes a bit funny*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:53, closed)

.
@HLT: What lovely smarties you have.

* licks smarties *

@bert: Is that a Blackpool Rock or are you just glad to see me?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:54, closed)

@mistaspakkaman
Actually, it's Wee Jimmy Krankie.

She/he lives in my trousers.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:56, closed)

@ Bert
Yeah, I'm good aren't I.

Say my name, bitch.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:57, closed)

*can't speak*
*offers HLT a scone*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:57, closed)

Damnation Kaol
I'm going back to bed for a bit as I didn't sleep too well last night. Catch you later
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:58, closed)

@Kaol
btw, how was Brighton and where's my stick of rock?
( thealternativefact, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:59, closed)

@Kaol
Is it just me, or did what becky just said to you sound like an invitation...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:59, closed)

@ Ms Explosion
Have a good nap then!

And yes, I will catch you later.
*coils rope*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:00, closed)

* nibbles HLT's earlobe *
Oops - went too far. Sorry for loss of left ear.

PS. Bye becky
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:01, closed)

I've just read Becky's Pet Peeves post in her profile
and now I need a little alone time.

Excuse me.

Bye Becky!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:03, closed)

@becky
...maybe ;)
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:03, closed)

@ msm
*offers right ear*

*shows smarties*

bye becky! sleep well...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:04, closed)

Bloody hell
I go and do an hour's work, and miss all the enslaving that's been going on.

I seem to remember HLT was offering moist, creamy, tasty goodness (in the form of chocolate cake) when I left.

Can't resist that.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:05, closed)

Bye Bert
* Gives Bert a goodbye lick *

* Continues slowly nibbling the edges of the gap where HLT's ear used to be *

EDIT: @K2k6: You can take Bert's place but this involves licking both of us.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:06, closed)

@k2k6
Yup - what are you waiting for?

I'm all your whores today
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:07, closed)

Ahhh
I love a nice friendly orgy on a Wednesday. It really picks me up, mid-week.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:07, closed)

Huurrrgh!
And I'm back.

@CHCB did you enjoy your custard slice?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:10, closed)

@ 'spakka
I don't mind licking HLT - cos she's all cakey - but I'm not keen on licking you.

I'm not like Bert, y'know.

*licks HLT's chocolateyest bit*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:10, closed)

@K2k6
nobody's quite like me, I'm the man-whore of the internets.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:11, closed)

gosh!
this is all very cosy.

*licks chcb for good measure and so she doesn't feel left out*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:12, closed)

@HLT
I swirl my tounge around your smarties. They expand and pop out their sugary shells. You want that tongue to slide backwards and forwards over your newly exposed chocolate, but instead, I slowly encircle your doughnuts leaving your smarties to burn on their own. The donuts are nice and fluffy against my tongue...
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:12, closed)

*Sees HLT lick CHCB*
*gasps*
*eyes and tongue pop out of head*
*dies*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:13, closed)

@ msm
*'gasms*

Why isn't it Thursday yet?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:15, closed)

Two places you might all want to live...
Here and here.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:16, closed)

oh noes!
*gives Bert the kiss of life*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:18, closed)

Pfft...
This has all gone a bit "nice" for my liking.

*steals Burts favorite goat*
*rips a hole in it's side*
*rams a lit stick of dynamite through the ragged wound*
*steps back*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:19, closed)

Ach, Kaol
We were all enjoying a mutual licking session and you had to go and spoil it with goat-based terrorism.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, you know!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:21, closed)

Round 2
My Blackpool rock is now the Blackpool Tower. I now comply with the wishes of your smarties. I curl my tongue up and lick the sides - occasionally stopping to flick my tongue over them and nibble the donuts themselves. The Blackpool Tower goes for the kill, but you're moist gingerbread cannot take my hard steel. I burst through the other side of you only to be confronted with CHCB who you're still licking.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:23, closed)

Jealousy and explosives
Got me where I am today.

Broadmoor...

EDIT: 200. Fuck Yes.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:26, closed)

*revives*
Goat Terrorism FTW!

It's raining goats,
it's raining goats, amen,
tall, dark, strong and mean,
rough and tough and strong and keen,
it's raining goats, amen

200th! Woo!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:26, closed)

Well Burt
That's some of the strangest lyric riffing I have seen in some time.

I have also decided to try and speak in rhyme to anyone I see today. Should be like real life riffing.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:30, closed)

Welcome back, Sexmonkey
You took a while to revive. HLT must have been pumping your chest cavity for quite a while!

I was too busy licking her to notice, although I did look up when I heard a bang and was showered with goat entrails.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:30, closed)

Ah...
The meatiest of surprises...
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:32, closed)

@K2k6
It wasn't my chest she was pumping, and I have the photos to prove it!

Everybody knows that to revive a sexmonkey you have to pump his "tail".
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:32, closed)

I was pumping
for ages!


*rests for a bit*

@msm - I can take all of your blackpool tower, because I'm so moist and gingerbready.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:35, closed)

@Bert
If she was pumping your 'tail' you still took a long time...

80s tune going round my head:

Na naa, naa na naa, nana na na na nanaa.

Name that tune.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:35, closed)

^K2K6
Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye - Steam?
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:38, closed)

@Ginger Penguin
Nope, try again.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:39, closed)

:(
It's going round my head now tho :(
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:40, closed)

@k2K6
It's not the theme to Dallas is it?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:41, closed)

.
@HLT
If that's you I'm inside, then what did I just burst through?

@K2k6
Is it Bananarama? Can't remember the name of the tune.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:42, closed)

@Boss
No, too many naas for that. Good call though.

It was from

*checks year on Google*

1985, if that helps.

Edit - no, not Bananarama either, sorry.

These were the actual words of the song, by the way.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:43, closed)

@k2k6
I think you're making it all up. You must've had too much chocolate cake.

@msm - I daren't turn round to look!
*cries*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:45, closed)

Just to make you all horribly sick
I was born in 1988 :p
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:45, closed)

@k2k6
Those clearly aren't the real words, as I just searched it in google, and nothing matched.

The closest thing was Bob Marley.

edit

Wow, someones younger than me.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:45, closed)

Words
Are they spelt like that too?
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:47, closed)

@PoD
They are the words as I heard them. I may have taken liberties with the spelling and rhythm to make it easier for you.

Try 'na na na na na na na na na na na na'.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:47, closed)

ooh! I know! I know!
It's that "nananananana" one isn't it!

Do I win a prize?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:48, closed)

@HLT
No, you're thinking of Enzyme's favourite 'Ribena Banana'.

You can have a prize for giving me cake and licking fodder though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:49, closed)

Poor effort HLT
And nope, that doesn't exist either.

Google doesn't lie. Fact.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:49, closed)

@k2k6
If I lick you, will you tell us?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:51, closed)

Google may lie by omission
It's not omniscient.

Got to number 8 in the charts, according to my Googling.

Edit - Yes, HLT, I believe I will. I'll need to go to the bank shortly anyway, so will be offline for a bit.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:52, closed)

@HLT
I think it must be CHCB. She hasn't said anything since you started licking her. Maybe she was being sneaky and snuck round to take my Blackpool while I was focused on your smarties, but the steel went straight through her and her now lifeless corpse is stuck on my tower like meat on a skewer. Still, your moist gingerbread seems to be handling the extra meat.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:54, closed)

Ooooooh
remember my interview from yesterday...well I just got a call back and they want to see me in the Hydrotherapy branch today at 4pm to meet everyone that works there. And if they like me then I'll get the job W000000t

*licks everyone*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:56, closed)

I'm gonna go
With either Wham or Sister Sledge.

edit

the many congratulations madame.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:56, closed)

@becky
Congratulations.

I'm sure they'll like you. I know I do.

* gives becky a good-luck lick *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:58, closed)

I'm going to have to tell you, then
Alone Without You.

By King.

And well done Becky - I'm sure they'll like you once they've seen you in the Hydrotherapy pool in a suitably skimpy swimsuit.


Edit - I'm off for a bit.

*gives farewell licks*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:59, closed)

Well done
On the interview!

EDIT: And on that delicious swimwear-related thought, I'm going for lunch.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:59, closed)

Well
It wasn't number 8 in 1985:

www.pure80spop.co.uk/chart1985jan-june.htm
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:01, closed)

Thanks guys
Really hope I get it - if nothing else I'm fucking sick of being unemployed.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:02, closed)

@becky
yay! good luck! and love those pools - mmm...so warm. let us know how you get on.
( thealternativefact, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:04, closed)

@Becky
Best of luck - hope you get it!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:04, closed)

@ becky
woos and yays!

*nicely licks*

I'm going for some lunch now. I may or may not return.

*licks byebye*
*clambers down off msm's blackpool tower*
*scarpers*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:04, closed)

And on that note
I shall return to the real-world too.

Bye everyone.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:11, closed)

Thanks you all muchly
I'm going to head off for a shower, get some food and find directions to the vets :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:14, closed)

I'm back too!
Good luck Becky!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:17, closed)

Afternoon ancrenne and Bert
I seem to have missed the licking and the goats also.

Quick cigarette I think and then back to "work"
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:18, closed)

Hey BK
baby I gotcha money, don't you worry,
said hey, BK, baby I gotcha money....
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:21, closed)

Well, ancrenne
I'm doing a little dance to the ODB song I referred to above, and Wee Jimmy Krankie appears to have asphyxiated in my pants.

(oh and thank you)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:23, closed)

Nope,
The goat's at home today, I just forgot to leave her(him?) a little air hole :(
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:28, closed)

@Bert
Thanks for that - very rarely get serenaded.
Was that you last night under my window with a flemenco guitar and a goat on a leash?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:29, closed)

Of course, BK
Who else would it be?

But that wasn't a leash, I tie up my goat-gimp with cable ties only.

I'm off to lunch, back soon!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:30, closed)

@ancrenne
Done - I can always laugh at their bad poetry and their 'pain'.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:37, closed)

Hmm
Quiet here, eh?

*watches tumbleweed*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:42, closed)

@ancrenne
So what kitchen implement is holding your hair in place today?

A draining spoon? Perhaps a turkey baster? One of Kaol's knives?

Or a cheese grater - that would be interesting.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:45, closed)

Not worth trying to steal a knife from Kaol
as you'd probably end up stabbed.

I'm off to do some work.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 13:57, closed)

@K2k6
HERETIC! Work? We don't know the meaning of that round here...
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 16:07, closed)