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This is a question Public Sex

Train carriages, car parks, behind the altar at midnight mass. Where have you done the dirty?

Thanks to SpankyHanky, Chart Cat and others for the suggestion

(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 12:58)
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Three (Million)’s a crowd…

“So…here we are then. How do we get this started?” asked Spanky in nervous anticipation.

“Well”, I muttered, “… in order to qualify for the QotW, whatever we do, it has to be ‘in public’…”

Chart cat then pointed out to me that we were in fact lying on the floor together, having sneaked onto the centre spot at Wembley Stadium before an England game, in front of a capacity 90,000 people, that our antics were being beamed live to 250 countries worldwide, and that we had about 30 seconds to sort something out before the psycho security would have us arrested and torn fresh new arseholes.

“Is this ‘public’ enough for you, dick brain?” He asked.

"Oh…yeah…silly me” I said, trying desperately to make a good impression…

“Right then, let’s kick off!” cheered Spanky enthusiastically.

My chortle at his punnage was cut dramatically short by utter speechlessness, when Spanky grabbed his trollies by the belt buckle and heaved them down to the ground in one swift motion, setting free his wrinkly orchestra, and as his conductor’s baton wafted in the early summer breeze, the big screen lit up the image, and a few of the St Johns Ambulance people fainted by one of the corner flags.

”Ah, I see you’ve ‘gone commando’ “I whisper with admiration and raised eyebrows before continuing “So have I…”

“No you haven’t!”, shouted Spanky, “…you’ve spent all day without any clothes on at all from the waist down! – That’s not what ‘commando’ is all about!”

Oh…” I mutter sheepishly.

Chart cat then interrupted: “Erm…ok guys, although I kind of get what’s going on here” he said with a trembling voice, “what I don’t understand is why we can’t have any actual girls with us…”

“Silly chart cat!” exclaimed Spanky. “My fulsome fish tanks just don’t pack enough baby gravy for any more than two people, and I’ve even been on special, 'spunk growing' tablets too…just for this!”

“Fair enough!” said CC, as he swiftly de-bagged and then gracefully swung his designer label Y-fronts around his head, to chants of delight from the VIP section of the crowd.

“How’s this for a ‘Royal Box’?” declared chart cat, thrusting his ample package at Prince Phillip, and watching gleefully as his highness tries to gouge his own eyes out with a ‘Pot Noodle’ fork.

As they stood before me, side by side in various states of arousal, I exclaimed: "Crikey, I’ve never seen a duo of dangling dongs like that before…and I’ve been to Holland!”

“You’ve been to Holland & Barrett”, said chart cat derisively. “It’s not quite the same…”

‘Still’, I thought to myself, ‘a deal’s a deal’, and I grimaced with pride as I donned my weapons grade marigold rubber gloves and attempted to display my best technique to the watching millions, by galloping frothily up and down their respective shafts like a pole dancer…only with two poles.

After a few seconds they were both to ‘take-an-eye-out’ standards of rigidity, and Spanky selflessly decided that it was time for me to be the ‘receiver’ in this game of ‘Hide the half-Italian Sausage”

Displaying excellent teamwork, chart cat cleverly dropped a 10p piece on the floor, knowing that I would bend over rapidly and instinctively to pick it up...Of course, the very instant my clammy barking spider was projected in the air, Spanky was on it like Gary Glitter at the ‘Pre-teen Thai Queen 2009’ awards.

”Buggeration, Pooflake,” cried Spanky, barely able to contain his delight as he pumped away vigourously. “I always knew you were a tight-arse, but I wasn’t expecting this! Don’t ‘cough’ or anything, because you could snap my tadger off!”

I was finding it difficult to reply however, because my mouth was filled to the tonsils with cat-cock. As I gobbled like the veritable clappers, I closed my eyes and hoped that I didn’t get a ‘hair ball’…

As Spanky continued grinding away, he then motioned to chart cat that there was ‘Room round the back’. CC duly took the hint, slipped in delicately behind, and before long we were all thrusting back and forth in perfect harmony, the whole shameful scenario was reminiscent of a kinky, ‘cocks-akimbo’ conga line.

Ever the showman, Spanky even lifted his legs out from side to side occasionally, to demonstrate how he was being held in the air simply by the linkage power of our sex-snorkels, like a sort of ‘knob entwined daisy chain’.

Due to their slim, lithe, well toned bodies, the two behemoths of B3ta were both able to genourously dish out the wrist-action reach-around for my personal titilation, and placed one hand each on my twitching, semi redundant but ever eager phallus.

Gripping hard, they slipped up and down my proud pink pork-pudding, and the romance of the situation was only mildly disturbed by a moment when chart cat entangled his pubes with Spanky’s ample arse cress.

“You really should shave that” advised chart cat helpfully. Spanky ignored him.

Obviously, all three of us are hardly famous for our stamina, and inevitably, in a sweaty and mongish mish-mash of man-meat, hairy crevices and unused plastic weapons of ‘ass destruction’, we soon began to look like a combined representation of ‘Epileptics Anonymous’ as we collectively spasmed and shot our beef-bazooka bolts high into the air in unison like a filthy fireworks display.

Suddenly, what seemed like the whole centre circle was awash with a tsunami of tadpole-tastic taramosalata as we all tried to wring out each others last droplets of splooge whilst trying to ‘out grunt’ each other like a gaggle of female tennis players competing in ‘Hog-idol’

Then finally, mutually satisfied and gasping for breath, we collapsed into a festering fleshy heap, and as we lay there, spent, shaking and spaffed out with enough wanton willy wallpaper paste to fill a family-sized salad cream jar, we gazed over to the hoards of security men sprinting towards us with their bulbous trouncheons callously set to ‘clobberin’ time’…

“Well, that was nice...” whimpered chart cat, ”…but I can hear PJM honking the horn of his Golf GIT*...it might be time to go…”

“What, AGAIN?” wheezed Spanky in disbelief before continuing: “For fuck’s sake!...You’re gonna have to give me 5 minutes…and a jazz mag…”

Then as the cheers of the crowd, players, and various heads of state rang out in appreciation, we all spotted something in the distance…

Sprinting in front of the rampaging security stampede, we could just about make out the petite shape of CHCB, about 50 feet away from us, waving frantically in our direction, fumbling at her blouse and shouting:

“Don’t start without me, boys!”

Disclaimer: On an earlier post, Grrrrr Tigers had dared to wonder what it would be like if chart cat, Spanky & I were to have a threesome. This was my answer.

*Edited for continuity purposes...now please read about 'what happened next' with Spanky's post above...
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:16, 32 replies)
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:24, closed)
Are you referring...

To the 'mental' imagery, or the fact that I fucked up and originally posted three quarters of the whole thing in Bold?

Lorks, I am a twat.

Apologies to all who saw the lump of Bold. A 'refresh' should sort it out...
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:25, closed)
*buys shares in mindbleach*

*sits back smugly, waiting for the cash to roll in*
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:25, closed)
Is it wrong
that that makes me feel a little sexy???
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:26, closed)
Not if..
You're not on your own..
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:28, closed)
Thanks Pooflake! HeeHeeHeeHee! Can't beleive you've done this! :-)
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:29, closed)
Fuck. Me.
Literally. Please. After that, I'll do anything to take my mind off the mental imagary. I'd like to see the other two can do with this.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:30, closed)
Sweet buggering Christ.

(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:32, closed)
After reading that, I'm praying for some kind of aggressive brain parasite.
The mind-bleach isn't doing the job :(
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:32, closed)
My word!
I need to go and lie down in a darkened room now.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:32, closed)
I need to lie on a psychiatrist’s couch...
but if I told one what I have been reading here, I would be risking a full lobotomy. Mind bleach is too weak.

These guys are just too good, this must be the truth, no one in their right mind could make this up. Ohh, "right mind", never mind.

Clicks yet again.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 18:00, closed)
Where's my cameo then?
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:37, closed)
I know...I know...

I'm just trying to find an appropriate place to insert a Golf GIT...

Hmm...maybe Spanky could use it as a sex toy?

EDIT: post duly edited...and it makes Spanky's follow up post like a continuation.

What a day that would have been!
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:41, closed)
This is all kinds of wrong
but I've still got a stiffy. Top work!
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:40, closed)
you, sir, are a literary genius! this whole fable is funny as fuck and more than a little horny. consider yourself *clicked*
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:53, closed)
I'm 5'9!
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 12:02, closed)
That's still 'petite' to me... ;)

I'll change it to 'gangly' if you prefer, though?
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 12:08, closed)
I'll go with petite then,
but no sloppy seconds please.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 12:11, closed)
I read Spanky's opus jizzmus first. Now I've been mentally buggered twice. Clickety clickety.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 12:18, closed)
Hee hee...

Let's just hope that chart cat contributes something...

EDIT: The title of this post is an homage to chart cat's 'Three's a crowd' post...which in my humble opinion, is the single greatest QotW post.by.anyone.ever.

It won the 'My sex misconceptions' question and is sheer perfection. If you've never read it, you haven't lived. check it out...
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 12:21, closed)
be careful
what you wish for.... ;-)
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:14, closed)

and indeed yay!

*waits impatiently*

(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:18, closed)
The droids you've been looking for?
Right here matey
(, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 14:45, closed)
My God!
I'm going to be having some strange dreams over the next few nights.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:13, closed)
If you drink enough, you might, just might
blank them out.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 18:02, closed)
I dunno about you lot
but I really needed a cigarette after that.

Gawd love ya

(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 13:21, closed)
Sweet Jesus
*Dunks head into a bucket of mindbleach while clicking with a free hand*

Y'know that part in Discwold where Vetinari wonders what terrifying things would happen if Leonard da Quirm fully applied himself to something?
I think we have just seen what happens when Pooflake applies himself.

Beautifully written. You sick swine! :)
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 14:48, closed)
In the last stages of revising for one of my finals.

If this gets accidentally recalled in my exam rather than the evidence for Christianity during the Roman period in Britain, you owe me a degree.

Great stuff!
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 15:07, closed)
*Clicks furiously*
Holy Jesus and the Mary Chain.

(, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 15:30, closed)
... I wish you weren't quite so good at painting a picture.

Brilliant despite, or possibly due to, it's disturbingness

(, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 15:34, closed)
*clicks at mach speed 3.5*
Excellent use of alliteration as usual Mr Flake. Go to the top of the class and see me after school to discuss your preferencial activity for "golden time".
(, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 21:05, closed)
Just realised I haven't (publicly) commented on this yet
So, let the record state that this post actually did make me cry with laughter at work. That doesn't happen very often...

One of your best mate, utterly ridiculous

(, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 5:40, closed)

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