I used to live near an obnoxious fat chav beast
She was like a blimp with knock off Adidas stripes painted down it's side. And instead of being filled with helium, was filled with deep fried grease and possibly the neighbours cat, although we could never prove that the hairs sticking out from her teeth and wrapping themselves round the permanent Lambert & Butlers butt were indeed those of Fluffy.

She waddled up and down her drive watching over her sprogs and yelling words of encouragement such as "faaahhks sake Diamanda don't waste mah eyeliner draahwing shit on mah drivewhay". Now I'm not saying she was an easy shag or anything, but we did often have a pot running about what colour her next child would be. Holding a Dulux colour chat against the latest one may have been taking it too far though.

So one fine morning I am skipping down my drive to collect my now empty wheelie bin and return it to it's little cubbyhole round the back, when I notice in the excitment of removing the refuse from our bins the binrefusewasteremovalmenpeople had left a few bins clumped together at the end of the cul-de-sac. And beasty was huffing and puffing back to her lair with my bin! Now, I'm not a bin snob. But our wheelie bins had barcodes on with the delightful promise that at some point the council may start charging extra if your bin was too heavy. And I'd seen her bin, straining at the pressure of the fetid mush within. I often think it got together with her underwear in a support group at weekends.

"Excuse me," I piped up with a cheery wave "You appear to have mistakenly taken my bin!"

It glared at me.
It snorted at me.
It slowly removed the Lambert.
"It's only a bin innit, don't matter 'oos I take"

Now I realise this is true to a point. But still. That's my bin. I want my bin. My bin hasn't been terribly violated with anything that has touched her. Or been in her.

"I'd prefer to take my bin." Says I.

I can hear the sprogs screaming. She is getting impatient. She tries to barge past me. I block her way.

"If yaah not careful I'll faaahkin throw you in the faahkin bin." She screaches at me.

I look her straight in the eye. And said
"Well, at least I'd fit."
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:14, 15 replies)

Nicely written
Except for the spelling of "straight" at the end.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:24, closed)

It was all going so well...
*ninjas*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:26, closed)

You're welcome
Though maybe I like your post so much because I live next door to a similar thingie. A skinny, saggy, bony-arsed one.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 17:19, closed)

*screeches
If we're being pedantic.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:46, closed)

and the repeated use of "it's" where "its" is required.
I'm not angry, TGB. Just disappointed.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 14:18, closed)

*hangs head*
at least I can spell my own name
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 14:44, closed)

*considers self well and truly owned*
That is what you internet youngsters say, isn't it?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 20:59, closed)

The thing is, I can imagine you saying this AND what expression you'd have on your face as you said it.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:03, closed)

except this is a lie, you thought it cos if you actually said it you'd have got a slap

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:05, closed)

I've met her
she would have said this, believe me.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:39, closed)

You fancy her don't you?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:15, closed)

Did she immediately cunt you in the fuck?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:26, closed)

No
Thankfully in the time it took her brain to realise what had been said and then attempt to formulate a reply I had strode to the safety of my house with my beloved bin.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 17:23, closed)

Good lord...
I just looked at your profile to see a picture I hadn't seen before... *hides*
(Virulent, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 18:07, closed)

he is talking about me you know

(OTT, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 22:51, closed)