QOTW
Things you have said you wish never got out of your mouth.

I have done this tons of times but I did draw attention to the remarkable tan one of my new colleagues had after a she returned from Oz.

"Cor Blimey! With your blonde hair and fair complexion you had better watch!" then....
"Why is she crying? Eh? I didnt know her mum died of skin cancer!" then.....
"Ooww! That hurt!"

Go to Hull.....
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Wed 15 Jun 2005, 20:32, Reply)

Learning the hard way...
Pah! Who needs advice, instructions or experience!? Just let me get on with it...
(Haymaker, Wed 15 Jun 2005, 11:05, Reply)

What's the most amusing act of Revenge
you've ever carried out?

Pooing on the desk of my ex boss did the trick for me.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Wed 15 Jun 2005, 10:24, Reply)

Secret things I do which make me uncool
You want everyone to think that you're one of the cool ones. Only people won't be impressed when they discover that you...
(ah sod it tinsels chummily, Wed 15 Jun 2005, 9:01, Reply)

The stupidest thing
youve ever heard a tourist say
(Rushy, Wed 15 Jun 2005, 0:09, Reply)

Habits/Moments of surprise
Things you always catch people doing. Preferably odd. Be creative, don't say smoking. Lots of idiots do that. Do YOU have a friend who won't stop scratching his ass?

Like the time I went skiing. Went up a little uphill... which had a steep downhill on the other side. Very steep. Cue airtime, seemingly for ever... "Holy FU

/eats snow
(The Machinist, Tue 14 Jun 2005, 21:42, Reply)

Schoolyard Nutters
When you were in grade school, did you share class with a strange kid - or maybe YOU were the strange kid! Tell us your strange tales from school

I cannot tell a lie, I saw this on SomethingAwful
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Tue 14 Jun 2005, 7:05, Reply)

What Did You Do When...you were 18?
Says it all realy. :-)
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Tue 14 Jun 2005, 0:23, Reply)

Day Tripper
Most insane events that ever happened to you within the space of a day. I don't mean isolated events that were really momentous-- I mean strings of events that came together by the threads of the universe, somehow connected by random chance but that produced awesomeness. Pure uncut awesomeness.

Bollocks to length. Write enough that you need.
(Tezcatlipoca, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 22:39, Reply)

The Most Interesting Thing You Have Stolen
Forget Traffic Cones and Garden Gnomes, what wild things have you stolen over the years from people.
(loopadoop loves toilets, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 19:16, Reply)

As a result of a horrible time I had on Saturday . . .
Ask people about their worst public transport journeys. I think the mix of beggars, headphone twats, fat people and shouting maniacs can make for some truly interesting experiences. And you'll get to hear some of my classic District Line stories . . .
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Mon 13 Jun 2005, 18:46, Reply)

Why did no one tell me?
I learnt how to wink at a very young age. I became very adapt at winking with my right eye. I would wink here and wink here. It could be said that I mastered the art of the wink with the right eye, so much so that I neglected the needs of the left one. Oh well, no bother I thought.

Dont get me wrong, I can blink both eyes and close both eyes, but I could never close my left eye on its own, and no one had brought this up in conversation, and I just believed everyone could just close one of their eyes.

This was right up to Air Cadet Camp, I was 15. "Ok you Maggots," The Officer may have said, "now just close your left eye and look down the sight..."

cue mumblings from me, and having to wear an eye patch for a week to learn how to close my left eye.

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME! I could have learnt this years ago and not had to suffer the humilitation of Air Cadet Camp.
( dantl, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 13:45, Reply)

Your most embarressing moment
The single moment in your life where you wished that the ground would open up and swallow you.
(Randall4k, Sun 12 Jun 2005, 14:30, Reply)

i have a question of the week

story ?

how about , most annoying fucker you have ever had to endure and not fuck from a height due to working relations.

I work in a factory and its ok , ok money , clean work and a generally pleasant bunch . . . there is however this one fucko who is a non stop shit talking brainless fuckwit , who refuses to shut the fuck up even when it is clearly obvious that no one is interested . . . and the lies . . . one minute its " my daughter takes ages to put to sleep" the next its "my daughter sleeps like a baby" on seeking clarity on any of this dip shits blatant contradictory lies more lies will be invented . . . . we are at a loss and want to kill him . . . . sorry for the rant but maybe a most annoying fucker you've ever had to work with or be with thread may help others like me offload . . . the writing of this as the fucker scurries around me talking shit is helping . . . .

ps . . . these threads help me through many a hard night . . . ! up with divulgance !

j
(The Cats Twat, Sat 11 Jun 2005, 3:16, Reply)

Things you shouldn't have said to your boss
At a works do, I called my boss a tight cnut for not buying everyone a round.

On another occasion, my boss told me he was a Man Utd fan - cue me rambling drunkenly about how all Man U fans were glory hunters who knew nothing about football. Got sacked within the week.

How have you insulted your boss?
(lolwhites, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Crazy parties
Like the first time I went to my best friends house for a slumber/60's party when i was about 14. I was greeted by her running across the street semi clad to hug me and said "if i stick my tongue down your throat im just being friendly". She reminds me of this every time I get to see her, usually after drinking on a night out!

Had some great parties at hers during school, getting pissed on lambrini and grapejuice that hit harder than it straight!
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 15:29, Reply)

What's the longest you've sat at b3ta.com and why?
( Frumbert has no sig, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 12:48, Reply)

Idea!!!
Onion related incidents, be it you cut the onion and started crying, or it molested you and your family...
(Lardface, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 20:03, Reply)

Reality/Dream
Ever had a problem distinguishing between dream and reality? I once woke up convinced I'd found a schoolmate dead, and for some reason had disoposed of his body in a needlessly macabre way. Ridden with guilt I went to school, and nearly shat myself when I saw that he was alive.
What problems have you had distinguishing tween reality an dream?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:19, Reply)

Sex with colleagues
Subject says it all, really.

In my case, there's a long, boring story about being jumped in a lift by a woman 20 years my senior at a staff do.

Pose the question, and I shall answer!
(apologies_for_length, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 4:25, Reply)

Worst/best places to fall asleep?
A friend of my brothers fell asleep in his local pub once. He was never noticed and woke up about 3am.

He drank the place dry

I also 'woke up' coming very hard with a rather nice, large breasted woman on me about 3 weeks ago the morning after an end of exams party. She took the condom off and I never seen her again.

Anyone have the address of the nearest GUM clinic?
( Bamboo Steamer, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 23:19, Reply)

Pretentious thing friends of ours have done
I once had a friend who used to wear a big black trenchcoat and when we were out gettin pissed in the forest he used to run from tree to tree flapping his coat like a coat!

He then would climb a tree and 'write poetry', he always picked the tree that people took a piss at and would make a sort of 'ahem' coughing sound just to get your attention.

We still talk about him today
( Bamboo Steamer, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 23:13, Reply)

People Over Whom I've Been Sick
When I was fifteen I once (well many times actually) got completely bladdered on rum and black. Woke up the next morning feeling a tad under the weather. Having decided that there was no way I was going to make it to the bog I decided it was best that I throw up out of my bedroom window which was directly over the front door. Unfortunately the milkman was just leaving our morning pinta at the time. He never delivered to us again.

On another occasion I threw up in someone's duffelcoat hood. Thankfully he was a student so it doesn't really count as a misdemeanour.

Sadly the milkman is now a dieing breed and so the opportunity to vomit on them has dwindled considerably.
(deadmonty, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 15:56, Reply)

....and that was the day i lost my foot!
a few years back i triped over an industrial lathe at work, my shoelace became jammed in the cogs of the lathe and subsiquently i lost everything from my left knee down...

...AND THAT WAS THE DAY, I LOST MY FOOT!

now yours.
(JinDod, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 15:12, Reply)

Better than stupid things people say
Stupid things our friend Lisa says, so far we've listed a couple of good quotes from her...
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 14:05, Reply)

Stupid Things People Say
I'm putting more things I’ve heard that are stupid, just because I’ve got nothing else to do now that neighbours has finished:

Friend: How come if there’s no electricity in 28 days later all the windmills are still turning round?

HUH?

Friend: Don't windmills make wind?

Just nod and smile.
(RainbowFaerie, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 14:04, Reply)

Misheard song lyrics
People often don't listen properly and think they hear something stupid. I heard that they banned the kinks song Louie Louie, because people thought the lyrics were rude. They’re not, people are just stupid.
(RainbowFaerie, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 14:00, Reply)

What is the worst set of directions you've ever been given?
Same Friend as in RainbowFaerie's post:

Driving up to a T junction I ask, "which way," she says "straight on," I point out you can't go straight, cue shouts of "left, no right, wait, left, or right," then eventually she points left! They both lead to the same place anyway...
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Stupid Things People Say
Everyone says stupid things sometimes:

My friend once told me she was thinking of not eating meat anymore, becoming one of those virgos!

Another friend says many of these phrases, including does this quiche have origami in it?
(RainbowFaerie, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 13:55, Reply)

I've an idea!
How about where we talk about stupid stuff we shouldn't have done, but did anyway. I've got buckets, mainly involving my answers to certain GCSE questions.....
(Karl avec un K I am an England fan, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 12:20, Reply)