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This is a question School Assemblies

Our school assemblies were often presided over by the local vicar, who once warned us of the dreadful dangers of mixing with "Rods and Mockers". One of the cool teachers laughed. Tell us about mad headteachers and assemblies gone wrong.

Inspired by the mighty @Rhodri on Twitter

(, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:43)
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I can't unsee that.
I can, to paraphrase Robert Louis Stevenson, remember her as if it was yesterday. But I still can't work out why they would do this to us.

Granted, 40% of pupils left with no qualifications at all, some followed their mums into the oldest game in the world, one got banged up a couple of years later for murdering a grannie, etc, but still, there was no bloody need for that.

Our last assembly of school. The teachers emerged from the fug that was the staff room, reeking of smoke, and decided that they were going to do a 'gang show' of sorts.

Hmmm. Well, it started amicably enough, one teacher deciding to weave as many surnames as possible into a short story, 'I stood on a Sharp Flint' is the only sentence I can remember...

Skip to the end, the grand finale.

Miss Wells.

Ah Miss Wells, harridan of this parish. Horn-rimmed glasses, prim, proper, fierce. A pearl necklace worn without hint of irony. Retiring with us, that year. The head mistress no less.

The lights dimmed. The music started. *that* music. Often promising, rarely portentious. But of course, context is key.

Dressed in chiffon and rose-coloured taffeta, with a feather boa to boot, she proceed to gyrate in what we can only assume she thought was an alluring manner.

Layer one I can't remember clearly, as she didn't spend that much time in it, but layers two and three are the ones that are etched indelibly...Layer two was a black negligee. The merest suggestion of stockings and suspenders underneath.

Oh. my. god. For the love of all things bright and beautiful, please stop there.

And then the negligee came off.

Really Miss Wells, what were you thinking? That we were all biddy fiddlers? Did you lose a bet? Did the cookery and metalwork teachers, caught inflagrante in the stock cupboard, have something on you? A bizzare tryst? We will never know.

But the sight of a 60+ year old woman wobbling around the stage in a bra and knickers watched by 200 teenagers, through barely parted fingers?

Yeah gods.
(, Sat 15 Jun 2013, 19:25, 9 replies)

"Biddy fiddlers".

(, Sat 15 Jun 2013, 19:34, closed)
Why was she wobbling? 60+ isn't old.
Did she have your mum's shoes on?
(, Sun 16 Jun 2013, 6:13, closed)
The real question is
how many of the class went off and had a horrified wank that night?
(, Sun 16 Jun 2013, 8:58, closed)
Guilty as charged.

(, Sun 16 Jun 2013, 9:18, closed)

(, Sun 16 Jun 2013, 22:17, closed)

(, Mon 17 Jun 2013, 11:06, closed)
Very good/disturbing
I'm wondering though, how would someone wear a pearl necklace ironically?
(, Mon 17 Jun 2013, 12:46, closed)
"Look, I'm wearing a pearl necklace. Bet you didn't think I'd ever be seen dead wearing a pearl necklace, did you? But I am, and I'm wearing it IRONICALLY! Aaaaah!"

(, Mon 17 Jun 2013, 21:03, closed)
Perchance it is the euphemistic "pearl necklace" where the irony is to be found

(, Tue 18 Jun 2013, 11:10, closed)

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