My unofficial school project
There is a school project I have gained infamy for, however, it was one very much unofficial and non-condoned by the school. When I was a younger lad and still at school I would have likely been described as "quiet", "shy" or "timid". I hardly spoke to anyone in my year and would keep myself to myself. I would get good reports noting my conscientiousness and all the other trappings of a prized swot. Fate one day struck me and knocked me off my current path and into new territory though.

What could it have been that sent me on such a divergent path? Why of course the internet my friend. Having convinced my mother to upgrade to broadband and entrust me with setting everything up I became delighted to learn of there being 10mb, a whole TEN!!!, worth of webspace that came with the account. I pondered many a day and tested as many designs; my mind churning over what I could create. I needed something that drew people back again and again, something different, personal and funny. After two weeks of pondering I struck gold and thus...

"Wanker of the Week" was born!

The premise? People could vote for someone they thought had been a wanker and the reason why, votes would be tallied and the supreme wanker would be announced at the end of each week. This was back in the day before social networking so a quick e-mail to everyone on my msn account got the ball rolling. There were over 100 votes in the first week. Soon enough my whole year of school knew about it and were regularly voting. At the end of each week I also struck on the idea of making a Certificate of Wankership for the weekly 'winner'. This was sprung on them Jeremy Beadle style after waiting for them outside of their classes.

The webspace was HTML and M$ Frontpage only unfortunately so no fancy code could help make the tables for me and I had to each night tally the votes and update it myself. This did not bother me however as there were many gems for the reasons section - "Johnny Davis - by Waffles the dog - 'he hits me with his tennis racket and makes me lick peanut butter off him afterwards'" and "Charles Baker - by [his girlfriend] 'he makes me take it up the arse and it bloody hurts'". The genius behind that one was even though the girlfriend didn't know about the website he still fell out with her because of it!

As the popularity grew people began to demand more and more. After adding a guestbook which acted more like a forum I was receiving daily content to add. This included what was to be my downfall - edited pictures of members of the teaching staff including the headteacher in a bunny suit chasing children. I was falling behind with updating the website and not producing enough content to met demand so I had to take on helpers. In the end the website had - wanker of the week, history of wanker of the week with running commentary, guestbook, page making fun of the teachers, pictures of teachers, porn pages, jokes pages, cheats page and a page of "the white home-boy" raps done by a guy in my class that were only included because they were so shit. One rap in particular which will be mentioned again later was him talking about killing the teachers with an AK rifle. I even had two people listed as "photographers" for the website.

I knew things had gone too far when I walked into my graphics design class late and saw every computer screen on my website. Some of the younger school kids who had started to get involved had apparently been telling the "sound" teachers about the site and it was only a matter of time before I was caught. Vigilant of how fast things were progressing I decided one morning enough was enough and I would delete everything once I got home. Fate is a cruel beast and that was never to be. During the graphics design class one lad complained his internet had stopped working, he called the teacher over who explained that people caught on the website were having their internet cut off and would have to meet with an assistant head to get it restored. Fucksocks!

Break came at 11am and my website team and myself gathered to discuss what was happening. I decided if nothing was heard by lunch I would skive the rest of the day. The period before lunch was Physics and there I sat quivering over what was to happen. Five minutes were left to go and the "white home-boy" turned to me and proclaimed "we're free!". At that moment however I heard the distant sound of a door creaking open in the corridor. The air grew thick and I was only conscious of the slow sounds of footsteps reverberating in my head.. one by one they came and seemed to go on forever. Suddenly they stopped along with my heart as it was replaced by knocking. The door slide open and there was the assistant head!

"Brydie?"
I raised my hand, my mouth didn't want to work - I had never had a punishment exercise or detention never mind the trouble I was to find myself in.
"Come with me!"
I got up and was edging round the desk when I heard the words that struck home how serious the situation was...
"AND BRING YOUR STUFF!"

I proceeded behind him through the corridors towards the office, him every now and then turning round to say "this way" or "come along". Entering his office I was informed to sit down and he assumed his place behind the desk.
"You know why you are here"
"emm, no" I squeaked, I was praying it was something else, please god you miserable bastard please!
He sighed and turned his computer monitor round to show me the website. There staring back at me was a picture of a teacher being sodomised by another, I had to face facts - I was as fucked as he was.

"We know it is yours it is registered in your name" A lie! It was in my mum's name and I have a brother at the same school as well as a common surname so it could of been plenty of people. I had a list of team members on the site but they were all handles, no-ones real names were anywhere to be found. It transpired he had all the names of those involved. How? I'm guessing it was the lad caught on the website though he denies it to this day. I don't blame him, I would of done the same as apparently he was told if he didn't grass he wouldn't be allowed to use the school computers thus by default failing two of his subjects. I myself am as guilty as him as I sat there defeated confirming the names of those the assistant head read out one by one.

Eventually after my initial grilling I was moved to the waiting room where two of the team members were also. We were told to sit in silence and we stayed there for ages before again my name was called. I went for the assistant head's office but was shouted at and directed to the head's. Inside they both sat and I made to opposite them. His face burned red.
"What possessed you!" He screamed as he turned the monitor to show the picture of him in a bunny suit. The surrealism of it was unreal , I felt as if I could pass out at any moment. Nothing was said for a few seconds, me visually shaking and him gritting his teeth in pure anger.
Finally - "I was going to take it down" I protested
"Well its too late for that, your grandmother is on her way to collect you. You are to be suspended pending the police's advice it may become an expulsion. Furthermore, some of the teachers may wish to press charges so you'll be kept informed."

I saw my future slip away from me. I was raised to expect to go onto university and now I was being told I could be expelled and given a criminal record. If I was kicked out there was no chance another school would take me if they heard why I had to leave this one! These thoughts and more bounded round my mind as I trailed home with my grandmother - the whole 20 minutes it took to walk home in complete silence.

Believing the game was up I whenever no one was paying attention packed a rucksack which I hid inbetween times in my cupboard. I was later to run out armed with it and two bottles of spirits... that though is another story ;-).

In the end eight people were suspended with at least 11 people having been called in to be interrogated. One tried pointing out that the welcome page had a message proclaiming "if you are a teacher or member of staff at any high-school you agree by clicking to enter to give me £10,000,000,000,000.01" as his defence which apparently didn't go down well. The White-home boy was made to sit while the headmaster read over his raps asking him what caused him to be so perverted and that charges may be brought against him as well. His defence of having spelt the teachers name wrong meaning it actually referred to fictional people worked and instead of being suspended he was sent a letter home informing his parents it may be worthwhile if he was to receive therapy.

After I was caught and dragged back home the police wanted to talk to me, not as a criminal but because I had been a missing person for two days. They informed me that they had seen the website and actually found it quite amusing and that in no way was it going to be viewed seriously. "Its like when I was a lad you'd write things on the toilet wall and cut the teachers heads out and glue them onto others". The school reluctantly let me back and I completed my education with a cloud ever loaming above my head... and that my friends was my unofficial school project.

Apologies for length and lack of funnies - its my first time after all!

P.S. the last comment in the guest book before the site was removed? "Tut tut you naughty fourth years - good site though :-D"

EDIT: I can't believe I forgot to include the part about prize giving! I think the website and being suspended happened around March-April time and then June of that year was prize giving. As I said I had normally got good report cards etc and this year I was to be given both the computing and accountancy & finance prizes. What happens is you are given book vouchers in advance to buy a book, hand it in and then get given it back by the headteacher infront of everyone's parents. I'd love to say I bought a book entitled "Advanced Web Design" but sadly I did not; instead I got "C++ an introduction". I swear I still saw the headteacher take a double glance at it though before having to shake my hand and give it to me.
(Brydie, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 18:15, 20 replies)

Brilliant! :D

(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 18:21, closed)

Yes!
This is win!
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 13 Aug 2009, 18:27, closed)

Mr A. Stewart
You have been summoned to Dick's office for a good tie rearranging...
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Thu 13 Aug 2009, 18:28, closed)

Who are you?
Lol, I didn't ken there was anyone from the school on this site?!
(Brydie, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 20:48, closed)

Apologies for lack of funnies?
That was fucking hilarious.

Click, and if there's any justice in the world this will win.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 18:32, closed)

Link plz
kthxbye
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 18:35, closed)

I like this!
:)
( R.Soul hmmm, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 19:05, closed)

the headteacher in a bunny suit chasing children
Hahahahaha.Just spat my drink out you fucker.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 13 Aug 2009, 21:59, closed)

.
I didn't know if I was going to burst out laughing or crying as the monitor turned to face me. On my left-hand side I had happy smiley headteacher in his lovely pink bunny suit and on my right side it was angry headteacher in his work suit - was as if someone had put one of those parallel universe mirrors in between them.
(Brydie, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 23:07, closed)

Fantastic Story
Wish I had the ingenuity to do something similar in my school days! Well played.
(Spackles Made sexual advances in your general direction on, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 22:50, closed)

I presume the one with the bunny suit was shooped?

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 14 Aug 2009, 0:40, closed)

Of sorts
No one had any photoshop skills so it was all high-quality paintbrush cut and paste!
(Brydie, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 0:46, closed)

win
winwinwinwinwinwinwin!
(goorf, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 3:07, closed)

I bloody hope so!

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 14 Aug 2009, 7:15, closed)

i applaude you sir/ma'am
and i even got that feeling of dread you captured so well.

just brilliant!
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 8:03, closed)

Suspended for satirical website?
Been there. 1998: not a good year.
(ManekiNeko loves horses, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 8:58, closed)

Perfect
See if the Wayback Machine has this archived... I click in your general direction
(MightyX5 living on a small island on, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:22, closed)

awesome
I wonder if the site has been archived (archive.org)? What was the domain name?
( rofl harris, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 10:49, closed)

Damn
You've no idea how excited I got when you told me of that site. web.archive.org/web/*/http://abers.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk

Sadly it only has the truely awful site I made to replace Wanker of the Week and the even worse one I made afterwards when I got interested in politics. If you go for Jun 05 2002 that was done the summer after it all happened - all the material on it was what was left after I had to remove wanker of the week, the teachers page and the teachers pic page. Basically its a bunch of crap jokes and other stuff people sent me for the old site that wouldn't get me suspended again. It does make reference to wanker of the week though thats it web.archive.org/web/20030424001418/abers.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/about.html

There wouldn't be another archieve website that could go back further? Roughly only need another two-three months further back!
(Brydie, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 11:38, closed)

shame :-)
archive.org generally goes back further, but I the further you go back, the less was archived.

Humble beginnings:
web.archive.org/web/19981111184551/http://google.com/
( rofl harris, Sat 15 Aug 2009, 16:14, closed)