Don't eat the meat toasties!
Case #1

Place: Istanbul and Bodrum, Turkey

Probable cause : Delicious meat toastie

1st Remedy : Lemon Juice mixed with Nescafe Coffee


Result - Copious vomiting


2nd Remedy : Laying in bed and attempting to die


Result - Auditory hallucinations - an entire episode of 'Moonlighting' (remember that?) heard in English, followed the plot, got the jokes, the lot. Except it was in Turkish. I don't speak Turkish.


1st Comedy Moment : I'm in the bathroom expelling from both ends. Boyfriend of the time in the bedroom asking me to hurry up. Now. Please. Hurry Up! Oh Dear God!

Don't bother.


2nd Comedy Moment : I will not be beaten by this bug so I book a daytrip to Ephesus. Feeling much better, managed the entire coach journey with no problems at all. Reach the ancient site, get off the coach.

*Cough*

Oops.


3rd Comedy Moment : On return through Customs at Gatwick I am pulled over by the men in uniform. Why? I've just returned from a fortnight in the sun. I look like death - grey pallor, slightly sweaty, and who am I looking out for? My case has to be broken open - couldn't find the key. In an explosion of dirty knickers (eeww! But not *that* dirty) the Customs guys find……nothing but overspending. They fine me and tell me I'll be sent to prison if I do it again within five years. I cry as I watch men and women with healthy tans walk past wearing entire leather outfits and Turkish carpets strapped to their backs.


Final Results and Conclusion
I see my GP. I suggest I have Typhoid. He tells me I have Salmonella. I lose nearly 30 pounds in weight.



****************

Case #2


Place: Tangier, Morocco

Probable cause : Delicious meat toastie

1st Remedy : 'Medicalcork' (that's the generic name, it's also known as 'Bungup' and 'Stopshits' ) from the local doctor.


Result - Stop producing pale brown fluid from both ends.

2nd Remedy : Eating small quantities of boiled rice


Result - entire bowel peristalsis is halted


Comedy Moment : I can't go. At. All. I try eating a little fruit. Nothing. A little fruit juice. Nothing. Two days later I feel the urge to go. I retire to the bathroom - a cupboard in the hotel room. I sit and wait. And wait. Then. Oh. My. God. I want to die. I begin to cry. My husband (at that time, #1) hears me, he comes and holds my hands. Slowly over the course of what seemed like hours I manage to pass a small white golf ball.






A golf ball.


( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:16, 14 replies)

All I can think of to say is
FORE!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:18, closed)

Why did the customs gents
fine you?
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:19, closed)

I was fined
because I'd bought a leather jacket and a small rug. I'd spent £65 and at the time you could only bring in £35 from non-EU countries - at that time Turkey wasn't part of the EU.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:20, closed)

Oh god
I'm sitting here giggling madly with tears running down my cheeks (of my face)
Complete comedy genius :D
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:20, closed)

Holiday shits
Are no fun, ain't that the truth! you have my every sympathy...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:25, closed)

I think I love you
.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:30, closed)

I can imagine
That passing that golf ball left you with something of a handicap...

*hides*
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:40, closed)

A Golf Ball.
Fantastico!

I shall never eat a 'delicious meat toastie' again... :(
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:57, closed)

*cough* ......... Oops
A clicky for the understated use of 'Oops'.

Far too many would have used "WAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHOMIGODIJUSTKACKEDMYSELFEEEEEEEK".

It's just not British, all that emoting business.

Tread on a landmine? "Bugger".

Werewolf leaping out of bushes? "Tsk"

Wings fall off aircraft? "Poor Show"

Madame Clucky in a Foreign Clime soiling her (no doubt) immaculate Shreddies? "Oops"

Class.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 17:24, closed)

somewhere in there
is a hole in one pun...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 17:38, closed)

Sorry to be a pedant
but Turkey isn't actually in the EU, although they are trying really hard to get in!
(hutchers, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 18:11, closed)

Its a real shame..
..that Turkey didnt operate a policy of weighing you on the way in and the way out and deducting duty free allowances if you'd gained weight during your stay..
This way you could've happily taken a lorryload of their funny-fags out of the country with no problem, seeing as how you'd left your colon there in return, am I right?
(Vic Flange, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 19:28, closed)

@ Hutchland
Sorry to be even more of a pedant...but at no point did I say Turkey was a member of the EU.

Not that their meat toastie capabilities have anything whatsoever to do with their EU ambitions anyway.

;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 23:02, closed)

True
But you did say "at that time Turkey wasn't in the EU" in a later reply to your thread. Sorry if I misunderstood, but that indicated to me that you might think they have subsequently joined. No offence meant.

EDIT: Stayed a couple of months in Istanbul in 2006, can vouch for the quality of Turkish meat toasties.
(hutchers, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 15:58, closed)